Should I tell her?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, got a problem and I don't know what to do! What do you think?

I was staying at my friends house for the weekend. Shes engaged but I hardly know her fianee. I don't really like the guy so I generally stay out of his way. We had a good night out and went back to their place afterwards and everyone stayed up for a while watching a movie and having a few drinks. I went to bed before the rest because I was wrecked and was expecting a call from my boyfriend and wanted to talk to him in privacy. I drifted off to sleep but was woken up by her fiancee getting in beside me in the bed. I initially thought I had gone to bed in the wrong room by mistake but he was trying to kiss me now and saying things like "Its alright- she'll never know" so I quickly realized it was no accident.

I pushed him off and told him where to go and said if he left immediately I wouldn't tell her. He eventually backed off and left via the window so nobody would see him exit my room. I tried to ring my other friend, who was also down in the living room drinking, for some advice on the situation but she didn't hear it ring so I left it and drifted back to sleep. A while later though I awoke when the bedroom door opened. It was him again. He was apologising for what had happened but at the same time he was making his way over to the bed again.

He got in and continued to push himself on me trying to kiss me. He said the others were all busy with the movie and she would never have to know. I had my had over his face pushing him away forcefully. He wasn't stopping. I was backing out the other side of the bed now and just about to shout for help when my phone rang. He got a fright and left but said he would be back as I answered the call.

It was my boyfriend. I filled him in on what was happening and he was furious. My other friend came down to the room then (not the girl whose fiancee it is) and I told her about it. She was shocked because hes not the type of guy you'd expect to be like that. She slept in the room with me for the rest of the night. The next day she pulled him aside and gave out over what had gone on and said he owed me a proper apology. He said he was drunk and did not remember a thing. He came and said sorry but I didn't know what to say about it so I just said forget about it.

Ever since my friend and I have been debating whether or not to tell my friend what happened. If we don't we're gonna have to sit by and watch while she marries the prick. The other friend who knows it her bridesmaid! We decided the right thing to do is tell her but we thought we should give him the opportunity to tell her himself. So we told him to tell her or we would. He threatened us and said he wasn't going to and if we did he would make our lives hell. Now we don't know what to do. Even if she knows we don't think she will leave him over it. She mightn't even believe me it happened. I need advice!

Tar.Aldarion

Tell her. Don't want her marrying somebody like that. Or get him to tell her, saying you will do it otherwise.

Pyr0

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

Tell her. Don't want her marrying somebody like that. Or get him to tell her, saying you will do it otherwise.

She already said that to him, and he threatned her.

I'd tell her.

Gillo

unreg34345 wrote:

I had my had over his face pushing him away forcefully. He wasn't stopping. I was backing out the other side of the bed now and just about to shout for help when my phone rang. He got a fright and left but said he would be back as I answered the call.

Definetly tell her, if he threatens to make your life hell bear in mind (and maybe I'd reading too mind into the situation) you could complain to the gardai about a sexual assualt.

SarahSassy

Tell her. It's up her what she does with the information.

sabrina99

such a tricky situation and im sure it has affected you
I think you should tell her, I understand you don't want to lose her friendship so ,maybe you could tell her and let her know if she does decide to stay with him( it is her choice) that you will not tell anyone about it,
you dont want people to think she is a fool for staying with him.
Imagine if you didnt tell her and a few years later maybe when they have kids he does it again, you would regret not telling her,

CathyMoran

You have to tell her. You could have had him up for sexual assault for what he did to you. Men like that make me furious, your friend deserves better than that.

comongethappy

defo tell her. And as for his threats? Sounds like he's a bully and he's hoping you won't call his bluff. Keep an eye on your mate though - he sounds a bit unstable.

Miss Fluff

Yes, tell your friend. Just be prepared to lose her as a friend permanently, if she's marrying the guy it's highly likely she will take his side. I'd definitley tell her. Will her bridesmaid support you 100%?

Dub_girl_101

Tell her! She'll appreciate it down the line, if he's done it once he's likely to do it again...!

Anthony_1980

tell her and in men time tell police that you have been treathened by ur friends fiancee so if he does anything to you , you have it on police record

aidan24326

Anthony_1980 wrote:

tell her and in men time tell police that you have been treathened by ur friends fiancee so if he does anything to you , you have it on police record

No need to bring police in to it right now, unless these threats became serious. Likely he was just trying to scare them off in the hope it would blow over.

OP, you probably should tell the friend but it's a tricky one, you may end up as the bad guy here. Coming onto you again the second time was just taking the piss. Once was bad enough. You can only tell her and let her make up her own mind what to do after that. Get the other friend to back you up.

biko

Dub_girl_101 wrote:

Tell her! She'll appreciate it down the line, if he's done it once he's likely to do it again...!

He probably have done it before and will do it again. These guys never stop. tell her.

AdrianII

tell her, if he has tried it on with his fiancees best fiend who else has he tried it on with

Garthicus

The *exact* same thing happened to a friend of mine, she was terrified but told her friend what her boyfriend had done a couple of days later, unfortunately the friend did not believe her and ultimately they stopped being friends, she was right to tell though, someday she will realise that her boyfriend is a creep.

Please tell your friend what happened, it may be hard to do but she has to know, it may happen again and the girl he does it to might not be as lucky as you.

Best of luck

faceman

i think its obvious that when her other half attempts to sexually assault you that you need to inform your friend. The real issue however is how to tell her as she may not believe you at first or mite take his side. You got to do it the right way and its not an easy thing to do. You know your friend best and will know how to do it.

Best of luck.

Yes.
Tell her.
Tell a few more people too,people may know more about him than you.
What happened is bang out of order.
He's a stupid eejit to be honest.

ircoha

unreg34345 wrote:

Hi everyone, got a problem and I don't know what to do! What do you think?

.... I had my had over his face pushing him away forcefully. He wasn't stopping.
..... He threatened us and said he wasn't going to and if we did he would make our lives hell.

File for sexual assault combined with threatening behaviour.

This quy is dangerous and is a threat to all women around him.

I presume there were two of you when u told him so the two of u go to the gardai.

Don't tell her, Just file the charges and step back.

At the very least, ASAP, document and sign a written version of the events for your own sake. If u know a solicitor, leave it with him/her in a sealed envelope so as you cant be accused of retro-engineering.

stolenwine

Your friend deserves someone better not a sleeze who threatens her friends. Take your other friend with you for support if you decide to tell her.

Otherwise just think every time she invites you over to her house for tea you'll have to smile and make small talk with this creep, not pleasant.

Victor

unreg34345 wrote:

He threatened us and said he wasn't going to and if we did he would make our lives hell.

This proves his guilt. Innocent people, don't threaten people. So he's a cheat, a liar and a bully.

Next time, scream.

hunnymonster

If I was your friend I would want to be told.

lilmissprincess

Ditto. Would you really be able to watch her marry him knowing that he's that kind of man who, knowing he gets away with it by manipulation, will do this kind of stuff again?
Didn't think so.

Anti

Yes you should.

star-pants

Hey -- I was in a similar situation --
I lived with a friend and her fiancee was staying for a month, I wasn't really warming towards him cuz he didn't seem like the nicest guy. I found out he wasnt' -- he harassed me for a few wks -- whenever noone was around so I'd have no proof. Trying to kiss me, holding me trying to touch me etc---every time I would push him away give out ot him & try and get away. I was scared cuz he was a big guy, and myself & the girl were only friends not even a year so I didn't know how much she'd believe me. In the end I told her mother (who also lived there) and we decided to sit her down & tell her. The mother unexpectedly had to go away to a funeral & wanted to wait til she came back soas to be there for her daughter, but it sorta came out before she got back.
Friend went nuts, fiancee denied it all to my face... I felt like a fool. They argued... then decided it was a misunderstanding & would work it out. I was not impressed.
He went home the next day, and he was supposed to come back a few weeks later (he was from overseas) but my friend realised she'd been in dreamworld & said he was a complete b***ard and told him where to go & never contact her again.
It was awkward with us for a while, but a few years on & we're really good mates.

BAsically.. its horrible, its tough -- but as her friend she needs to know. Rather she'd find out now, then it happen *after* shes married & then stuck in the situation.

Good luck hun *hug*

Chinafoot

Tell her and do it before he gets a chance to worm his way out of it and spin things around on you. You've told him that you're going to let your mate know but you've given him time to come up with a story that will more than likely consist of you coming on to him. She'll probably believe him too.

You need to sit her down as soon as possible and make sure whoever was with you when he threatened you is there too to back you up.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,
Thanks for the advice. Its just a really uncomfortable situation but I know what I have to do.
Will keep you posted as to how it follows through.

tritium

If you're her friend you have to tell her, even though she may not see you as a friend when you do.

She's about to marry a piece of trash who's just threatened and assaulted one of her friends, and who possibly would have raped you. I would think that it's unlikely to be a one off, never happen again to anybody event either!

The "I was drunk" line is the standard line for this kind of jerk, as seen in other threads on this forum. When thats not working he turns into a nasty little bully throwing a tantrum to try to get his way. Usually its just bluster since intimidation and the threat of something is much more effective than actually doing anything. Regardless though I would suggest making the guards aware of the threats, if nothing else it means that if he threatens you again, then mentioning that the guards have been made aware should make him back off.

To be honest, in situation like this, especially if they've been together any length of time, you may find that past behaviour on his part may be well known to your friend, even if she keeps it private. It's up to her what she does with the information though, but all you can do as a friend is to make her aware and give her the choice

meglome

Victor wrote:

This proves his guilt. Innocent people, don't threaten people. So he's a cheat, a liar and a bully.

Next time, scream.

Well said.

Just keep in mind that people often say they want the truth but they really don't want the truth when they hear it. You would be doing her a big favour by telling her but she really really may not thank you for it. gl

kryogen

tell her over and over and dont expect a good reception but you have to tell her as a friend, you cant let her marry this dickhead

dame

Tell her.

Bring your other friend with you when you tell her. I'd be wary of telling too many other people in case she and her fiancé decide to stick together and make you out to be some evil jealous slandering cow. That said you have nothing to be ashamed of so tell the truth if people ask you about him or what happened, just don't go broadcasting it to everyone who vaguely knows you all. Stay out of his way and look after yourselves. He'll be angry when she's been told and he's made threats already.

Best of luck.

scoobydoo2

unreg34345 wrote:

Hi everyone, got a problem and I don't know what to do! What do you think?

I was staying at my friends house for the weekend. Shes engaged but I hardly know her fianee. I don't really like the guy so I generally stay out of his way. We had a good night out and went back to their place afterwards and everyone stayed up for a while watching a movie and having a few drinks. I went to bed before the rest because I was wrecked and was expecting a call from my boyfriend and wanted to talk to him in privacy. I drifted off to sleep but was woken up by her fiancee getting in beside me in the bed. I initially thought I had gone to bed in the wrong room by mistake but he was trying to kiss me now and saying things like "Its alright- she'll never know" so I quickly realized it was no accident.

I pushed him off and told him where to go and said if he left immediately I wouldn't tell her. He eventually backed off and left via the window so nobody would see him exit my room. I tried to ring my other friend, who was also down in the living room drinking, for some advice on the situation but she didn't hear it ring so I left it and drifted back to sleep. A while later though I awoke when the bedroom door opened. It was him again. He was apologising for what had happened but at the same time he was making his way over to the bed again.

He got in and continued to push himself on me trying to kiss me. He said the others were all busy with the movie and she would never have to know. I had my had over his face pushing him away forcefully. He wasn't stopping. I was backing out the other side of the bed now and just about to shout for help when my phone rang. He got a fright and left but said he would be back as I answered the call.

It was my boyfriend. I filled him in on what was happening and he was furious. My other friend came down to the room then (not the girl whose fiancee it is) and I told her about it. She was shocked because hes not the type of guy you'd expect to be like that. She slept in the room with me for the rest of the night. The next day she pulled him aside and gave out over what had gone on and said he owed me a proper apology. He said he was drunk and did not remember a thing. He came and said sorry but I didn't know what to say about it so I just said forget about it.

Ever since my friend and I have been debating whether or not to tell my friend what happened. If we don't we're gonna have to sit by and watch while she marries the prick. The other friend who knows it her bridesmaid! We decided the right thing to do is tell her but we thought we should give him the opportunity to tell her himself. So we told him to tell her or we would. He threatened us and said he wasn't going to and if we did he would make our lives hell. Now we don't know what to do. Even if she knows we don't think she will leave him over it. She mightn't even believe me it happened. I need advice!

You gotta tell her now because if you leave it to this guy he will twist the truth to make it look like your fault and she will not beleive a word you say. Seen it happen before.......

im...LOST

This post is not gonna do much more than what you have already been told numerous times before.

Tell. Her.