Wedding: Why can't I get my say

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Just want an opinion on this.

My fiance and I are planning our wedding. Or, more, should I say she is.

Any Idea's I have are just dismissed in favour of her own. For instance for the reception I wanted it to be fun with a fair few local bands (I can get them free too!) and a lot of general new ideas. She's told me that no, can;t have that, has to be traditional with, in her words, "Normal wedding music that no-one likes but expects".

I designed invitations that were fun and colourful. She wants the traditional ones.

IN fact, every idea seems shot down

So I'm on the verge of just telling her to just send me an invitation and I'll RSVP, as I dont feel part of this at all. It's gonna be the same old boring day as any other with none of me in it.

And comments?

Carrigart Exile

NotThePlanner wrote:

Hi guys

Just want an opinion on this.

My fiance and I are planning our wedding. Or, more, should I say she is.

Any Idea's I have are just dismissed in favour of her own. For instance for the reception I wanted it to be fun with a fair few local bands (I can get them free too!) and a lot of general new ideas. She's told me that no, can;t have that, has to be traditional with, in her words, "Normal wedding music that no-one likes but expects".

I designed invitations that were fun and colourful. She wants the traditional ones.

IN fact, every idea seems shot down

So I'm on the verge of just telling her to just send me an invitation and I'll RSVP, as I dont feel part of this at all. It's gonna be the same old boring day as any other with none of me in it.

And comments?

Despite what Cosmo says it both of yours day, not just hers. Seek compromise, suggest the boring band until 21:00 then one of your suggested bands takes over.

Hagar

If you can't compromise on the wedding, the marriage is going to be interesting...

de5p0i1er

Most women take over planing weddings, if it means that much to you talk to her you don't want to start your life together as her slave.

Pigman II

Just suck it up bud. It's her day, not yours.

You've the rest of your lives together to be the boss of her.

vibrant

Hello NotThePlanner - unfortunately I think yours is a very common feeling among grooms-to-be.

I'm not married, my only experience of weddings is through family members and friends who have got married, and the majority of the brides-to-be have turned into complete and utter psychopaths in the run up to the wedding.

While I can't offer any advice, I suggest that you have a look at some wedding related bulletin boards. Most of the readers/posters are probably women, but there might be one or two blokes out there who could give you better advice. If you're worried that the Mrs is going to be on the same board, well try an Australian one, or a British one instead of an Irish one!

My heart goes out to you, I saw my sister sideline her fella in the run-up to the wedding, so much so that some of us were kind of expecting him to jilt her at the altar, as she woulda deserved it!

SarahSassy

Sit her down, tell her you are unhappy as she has taken over what is both your day.

Did you help her out wth the general planning or are you only jumping in now when all the work is done to add what you want???

The bands generally have to be fed and watered. Maybe she is worried about the extra cost in this regard. Maybe she does not like their musc and thinks people wont dance to them... In saying all that you should have your asy.

py2006

SarahSassy wrote:

Did you help her out wth the general planning or are you only jumping in now when all the work is done to add what you want???
.

I doubt he was allowed to be involved in the general planning.

I am not married myself but obviously have been to weddings etc. Generally the women take over the whole planning of the event and alot of guys sit back and are happy for them to do it.

To me it all seems to be about impressing your guests rather than enjoying the day thats in it.

Wibbs

Very common. A lot of women have been planning their wedding day since they were toddlers. Damn near every romantic fairy tale ends at the altar. Men very rarely gave it a second thought. It is her day more than yours in a some ways. At least that may be the perception with some. Your job is often just to turn up.:D Of the married couples I've known it was usually the woman(and the women in the family) that ran the show like a military exercise. Often running up big bills in the process(dumb). Not always though. With one woman friend of mine it was the groom who was the obsessive one about it all, with similar frustration on her part. They separated so.....

For me the marriage is the important bit, not the wedding. I could give two hoots personally about the day itself, but her not respecting some of your wishes over the small stuff rings alarm bells for me. That's what it boils down to, respect. I would insist that you have some say in the things you want. It should reflect both of you. Now it is only one day. The rest of your lives together deserves the work, but this is not a good start if she doesn't respect your wishes. Not good at all. If it was me, I would have a serious conversation about this. If this kind of thing is reflected in your relationship down the line, your wedding day might go well for her, but your marriage may not. Both of you need to establish boundaries and respect, before not after the day in question.

Miss Fluff

I'm sure you're contributing to the wedding in financial terms, it's pretty important you both agree on what you want for your big day.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridezilla tbh

Firetrap

Have you tried sitting your fiancee down and telling her how you feel? Perhaps she's so obsessed with the wedding that she has become a Bridezilla.

Just wondering - is she normally like this when it comes to making important joint decisions?

Oryx

The Bridezilla thing happens to even the sanest women. Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, the colour of table napkins and the choice of starter become world changing events. (And Im married... did the whole big wedding thing... but at home. )Your fiancee wants her wedding to be 'perfect', as it is in her mind, even if that means stomping all over your feelings to get it. Its actually not personal, its just part of the complete madness that is a wedding. (When else would you spend 30 grand on a single day out?)

The cure of this conditon is being married, when you realise it was actually only one day.

A compromise on the band thing might be to check if any of the ones you want play an old time waltz or quickstep to keep the grannies happy.

LegacyUser

I think she is being a selfish B***h, It's your day for both of you. What Wibbs says is very good advice. What is the marriage going to be like. I have friends who are married and all the complained about before the wedding was the lack of interest and help from their blokes. Your paying enough for the day step up and get what you want. It's a joint venture!

SO what if she has been dreaming about it her whole like so might you have been so it's up to ye to take from both those dreams and fuse them into one. You have obviously put alot of thought into it yourself. I don't agree with some posters when they say it's really her day. Not true.
Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

I know all about the bridezillas/ Thanks for all the advice. Just wanted it to show me, and I want to have my personality coming through, not just hers!

CathyMoran

I agree with Wibbs, the rest of your life together is important, not your wedding day. My husband had to arrange most of our wedding as I was very sick in the months coming up to it (plus we married just within the deadlines) but he still managed to put both of our personalities into it. You need to speak to your wife to be to get her to understand that it is about the two of you.

WindSock

NotThePlanner wrote:

I know all about the bridezillas/ Thanks for all the advice. Just wanted it to show me, and I want to have my personality coming through, not just hers!

So you think your wife is boring then, and the same as everybody else? just talk to her and tell her you would like a little input, something you can both agree on.

comongethappy

I agree - speak to your wife to be. Sit her down, and tell her it's your day too, and their needs to be some compromise. The suggestion of splitting the music time was good. Two of my mates got married, and a band till 11, and then a DJ the rest of the night. Try to keep an open mind to what she wants as well. If you want to try to get your way on something, try to think of something that you're willing to do for the wedding that she wants (Ex - ask her what kind / colour of flowers she's getting. She'll probably your cravat (sorry for spelling) to match, etc.).

I'm married, but never became a bridezilla - wasn't interested in planning it really! And trust me, the wedding is only a day - marriage is the best bit if you've found the right person, you might want to remind her of that!

judas101

lots of local bands - that would be the coolest wedding reception ever

forbairt

I've just been through the whole wedding thing ... so I've some idea about all this

Firstly its both your day but in my view its more her day ... some people are going to tell me thats sexist bs but its my opinion ... a lot of girls grow up with the idea of the perfect wedding and happily ever after ... most guys I know didn't grow up with that dream ..

I think ye really need to sit down and talk about it though ... we did and well I realised that my music taste wasn't exactly suited to everyones taste .. I did however at the end of the night get my songs ... heavy metal type things ... only 5 or 6 but it kept me happy (definitely not the kinda things parents would like to have heard)

Maybe try to compromise about the bands ... and see if you can have 1 band play at one time and maybe a few hours later another plays ... weddings do go on for a bit so

I guess I also got to put up a rather silly website brittanybeers (yes we were married in france) and we didn't tell all the guests about it just a few mainly on my side or those with a sense of humour

For the Cards maybe you can compromise and send some to your friends and to hers the others ?

just shelling out a few ideas ...

LegacyUser

Hey notthe planner,

I WISH my fella would be as interested as you are.
He just goes "It's up to you" to anything I suggest its so frustrating.

If I were you I would just say in a non threatening way "look I'd really like to talk to you about the wedding etc"

Have you been involved (or trying to be involved that is) from the very begining or had she started making plans already.

Some women have been planning their weddings since they were 5.
i wish I had, I'm hopeless.

CathyMoran

Another compromise would be to agree to have a rennewal of vows in a few years where you have your way.

Carsinian Thau

I can't give you much advice on how to deal with the situation but whatever way you do it, just be very careful. Things are already very tense so it would be in your (and your fiancée's) best interests to remain calm and be very tactful.

Good luck.

lisajane

Its your wedding too. U have every say in it. She shouldn't ignore what you want. I bet ur paying though and she'll let u.
Im not married and i have no idea how to plan 1 either, it would kill me if the fella didn't contribute with things.
I dont know why so many couples spend thousands on a wedding - just for the 1 day. How much, would a wedding cost? 20 grand maybe? I can get a new car for that and have it for a few years after. Furniture for a house. Nice holiday. But on a wedding? For the 1 day? What do u get out of it? A wedding is about 2 people being together for the rest of their lives, surely they dont have to go to so much trouble for the 1 day? I'd go out pick the flowers myself, bring my own food and not invite greedy people that just wants a free meal out of it.

milkerman

The day itself is not as important as what comes after it. So long as your fiance does not think that all decisions are hers to take in a unilateral fashion and the way your wedding is being planned is somewhat disturbing.
Personally I hate the traditional wedding party formula. You meet friends you haven't seen in years, you get to chat for a short while & then then it's all drowned out by some twat that thinks hes Bono howling into a mic backed up by an out of tune guitar. Great.
Talk to your fiance, remind her you are PAYING for half of all this crap and that without your cooperation nothing will happen.

ShotgunPaddy

Dump her now before it's too late.

Garthicus

CathyMoran wrote:

Another compromise would be to agree to have a rennewal of vows in a few years where you have your way.

Yup, I agree, thats what I am hoping for!! I will have a trad band and a comedian and a free bar with burgers and chips for everyone!

00112984

Sounds to me like you want your way on all the *fun* stuff like the invites and music.

When was the last time you offered to price florists, fill-in Notification to the State certs, find birth/baptismal certs, work on mass/ceremony booklets, apply for pre-maritial course (if you're getting married in a Catholic church in Ireland)?

I'm getting married next year and notice that everyone (including my husband to be) is more than happy to give me their opinion on what band/dress/invitations I should have but none of them (including future-hubby) give a shíte about helping with the boring stuff.

Garthicus

Ouch! :-)

LegacyUser

Goes to show, there is a lot to be said for a quickie wedding in Vegas!!!

The_Conductor

I'm Cathymoran's other half- and can give an opinion from the other side, as it were. First of all- the number of women who turn into complete and utter psychopathic sirens ala the crowd on weddingsonline.ie never ceases to amaze me. It is a joint day- there are two people involved, its a cermony celebrating a partnership that will hopefully last a lifetime. Certainly its her special day- but its his special day too. The bull**** that guys don't really care, and we've been planning it for over 20 years so put up or shut up, is disrespectful towards future husbands in the extreme and not a very good way to get off to wedded life on a good footing.

Bridezilla is unfortunately a very true phenomenon- but this does not mean that you should allow yourself to walked over in the preparations.

You really have to put your foot down and sit down with your bride to be, immediately, and negotiate compromises with her. Life is a series of compromises, mostly compromises that make perfect sense in retrospect and that work out to everyone's advantage.

To the poster who said guys have no idea about florists and organising things- thats bull. I personally visited 22 florists in the Dublin area- and organised a trade card for Doyles and some of the other distributors to view the different stock they have. I organised family members into small little jobs- like helping with decorations, which gave them something to do, and made them feel a part (it was a very small cermony and not all family members were able to make it- so it was important for both of us, that it was very personal and intimate. My wife chose the readings, I chose the psalms- I did the print setting and organised the booklets- it was a joint effort that worked very well indeed (even if some things that I really should have done well in advance got left to the last few days).

There is no good reason whatsoever that guys cannot get involved in the whole wedding thing. Just because we fall asleap in wedding shows- and would sooner be watching a match or gardening even, than looking at dresses, does not mean we are complete and utter imbeciles who cannot be trusted to play a major part in organising the day. It is only one day after all- but its the first day of the rest of our lives too....... Sure girls start dreaming of their big day from not long after they are out of diapers, but this does not lessen the fact that they are only 1 of 2 people involved in the cermony. It should not be left to the guy to turn up at the alter and mutter "I do", and nothing more.

Bridezilla bedamned- sit down with your wife-to-be, and have an honest discussion with her, about what role you can play and how you would like the wedding to be a celebration for both of you- instead of just being her Disney fantasy.........

ali.c

lisajane wrote:

I dont know why so many couples spend thousands on a wedding - just for the 1 day. How much, would a wedding cost? 20 grand maybe? I can get a new car for that and have it for a few years after. Furniture for a house. Nice holiday. But on a wedding? For the 1 day? What do u get out of it? A wedding is about 2 people being together for the rest of their lives, surely they dont have to go to so much trouble for the 1 day? I'd go out pick the flowers myself, bring my own food and not invite greedy people that just wants a free meal out of it.

True but with the average wedding present apparantely meant to be in the region of €100 for one person and €200 for a couple eh you'd more than make back the cost of the wedding if you plan it right and invite enough people........Personally i dont get it but having had attended a few they are quite expensive things to attend.

Op from what you are saying I am getting that you dont want a traditional boring wedding, it is your day too and it would bother me more that she is poo pooing your ideas from the outset rather than looking at them and dicussing them. Maybe just have a serious conversation with her about it and tell her that how you feel!

LegacyUser

Heya,

Re the Band thing.

Does your future wife know these local bands you can get for free?
And what kind of music do they play?
Maybe she thinks they'll just be getting drunk and messing and stuff?

I'm not sure what really put that in to my head, but maybe there's more of a reason besides the music.

On the other hand I can see where she's coming from with the "traditional" wedding band idea.

My dad plays in one, he says the reason they are so successful is the mixture of music they do, 60s - to present. And they even throw in a few waltzs and "novelty" stuff for the oul grannies and aunties.

This may sound like your idea of hell but it generally keeps a lot of people happy and creates a nice vibe.
Weddings are stressful to plan, she's probably more worried about everyone coming to the wedding than about herself OR you for that matter.

Have you gone with her to hear the band she wants?

You could have "her" band as the band and the local bands instead of a DJ maybe?
How involved have you been over all?

ircoha

ali.c wrote:

True but with the average wedding present apparantely meant to be in the region of €100 for one person and €200 for a couple eh you'd more than make back the cost of the wedding if you plan it right and invite enough people........

My, my, my what a thought process. Brings a whole new meaning to breakeven analysis as well as selecting guests; " Auntie Ann is on SW so wont ask her".

The other interesting thing here is that is suggests a one person wedding

average wedding present apparantely meant to be in the region of €100 for one person

OP: Up to now how has the decision making gone in the relationship or have u been happy as long as there is beer in the fridge and the cable tv is paid.

Be honest here, what about previous holidays/ shopping/ what clothes u wear/ what u watch on tv/ cooking/ who drives to_from parties/who's friends do u see more often/ who initiates the horizontal jogging/etc.

IMO the answer to this is crucial. I dont want u to post the answers here but it will help establish whether this is this a one off with ur other half or is it indicative of her generally.

Victor

ali.c wrote:

True but with the average wedding present apparantely meant to be in the region of €100 for one person and €200 for a couple eh you'd more than make back the cost of the wedding if you plan it right and invite enough people........Personally i dont get it but having had attended a few they are quite expensive things to attend.

Having a wedding isn't about making your money back.

ali.c

Victor wrote:

Having a wedding isn't about making your money back.

As i said personally i dont get it, the whole big day i.e. the stress, the feeling under pressure to invite everyone twice removed. My comment was more in response to the poster who commented that ppl attend weddings to get a free meal. last wedding i went to cost me what over 500 quid so eh i could of bought a lot of meals with that. Of course a wedding is meant to be about celebrating love and publicly making a commitment to someone.

Oh and i obv meant if you attend the wedding as a single person and did not bring a guest, doh for bad wording i my part.....

Enough OT.......Actually it just occured to me OP is that your fiancee could be under pressure from other sources (i.e. friends and family) as to how to plan the wedding, there is alot of social pressure tied up in the whole wedding thing, just something to consider!

The_Conductor

ali.c wrote:

Enough OT.......Actually it just occured to me OP is that your fiancee could be under pressure from other sources (i.e. friends and family) as to how to plan the wedding, there is alot of social pressure tied up in the whole wedding thing, just something to consider!

Just because his fiance is under pressure from other people, does not excuse her sidelining of the OP. If anything its good to use the other person as an excuse to all these conflicting people- after all the big day belongs to both husband and wife- not to the whole entourage, who should be there to witness their big day and to offer support to them.

S.

SarahSassy

I think a lot of this is dependent on whether or not he has helped with all the nitty gritty up to now or if he is just coming in at the end of all the preparations and wanting things his way?

Victor

smccarrick wrote:

after all the big day belongs to both husband and wife- not to the whole entourage

Just don't tell the mother in laws. :eek:

The Corinthian

Hagar wrote:

If you can't compromise on the wedding, the marriage is going to be interesting...

This is actually the most relevant post in the thread in many respects. If this is a common example of how she respects the OP's opinion, then I doubt it will be a long and happy marriage.

dame

NotThePlanner wrote:

I know all about the bridezillas/ Thanks for all the advice. Just wanted it to show me, and I want to have my personality coming through, not just hers!

It's not even going to show her personality though is it? You've said she wants the same as everybody else because that's what's expected. You need to talk to her properly, explain how you feel. Tell her how the day is just a day but why not make it your (plural) day rather than just another wedding. Why not make it stand out and be memorable.

It may be that she is afraid to do anything different because her mother/sisters/aunts/friends are all projecting their own images of the "perfect" wedding onto her.

Do have a think about your relationship and day-to-day interaction. Does she always get what she wants at the expense of what you want or is it just a case of Bridezilla? If it's just Bridezilla then she'll hopefully turn back into the lovely person you got engaged to once she's calmed down after the wedding. If not, then hmmm.........