Ex Boyfriend...how to clear my name?

LegacyUser

I started seeing my now ex boyfriend a few weeks ago.
Anyway he was under the weather last week so I went down to his flat a lot and would end up staying over in his room. All very innocent, he's a great looking fella but very shy when it comes to kissing and such. I'm 18 he is 19 and we're both virgins.
Last Friday evening he called me to ask me to come to the pub, when I got there I realised he'd been drinking pretty much all day. Anyway I was supposed to be going clubbing with another friend but my bf didn't want to go and instead begged and pleaded that I came back to his instead. I said I'd go meet my friend for one and then come up to his place.
When I got there he wanted to go to bed straight away. I'd brought my nightie as I was sick of sleeping in my clothes but he got really angry when I wouldn't take it off.(he didn't even ask me to take it off in a sexy way it was more like an order) He sulked and wouldn't talk to me for about an hour, so I just turned over and went to sleep, putting it down to the fact he was hammered. He woke me up later rubbing my leg, saying he was sorry and such so I said fair enough forget about it. But he again asked me to strip and went psycho again when I said no. He got really angry, swearing at me, calling me every name under the sun, asking why did I bother coming up if I wasn't up for it etc really nasty stuff he even tried to push me out of the bed.
I was pretty freaked out by now so I got up and started getting dressed saying I was leaving and he said he didn't care, good riddance etc. I asked him why he was being so horrible and he told me to F off.
I'd no money for a taxi and his housemates didn't seem to be around so I had to walk the 30 mins back to my house in the early hours of the morning, I was so upset when I got home, I felt so stupid how could my wonderful fella who is normally so sweet and sensitive turn into that horrible twisted little monster.
When I woke up, I pulled my phone out of my bag to see what time it was. There were about 20 messages and 30 missed calls and some voice messages - mostly from him, some private number and some from his housemates.
They were asking where I was, to answer my phone, he was worried, he woke up in the night and I was gone and he didn't know what happened etc. His housemates texted me to please answer my phone and stuff. My phone was on silent so I never heard them.
I called him and he sounded awful he asked would I come up and see him so I did. I knew I had to break up with him but I thought I'd best do it to his face.
He said he had no idea why I had "run off", that he knew we had a fight but he didn't know why etc and that I had put him through hell because he didn't know if I was ok.
And here I was expecting an apology!!
He was more upset than angry but really just feeling sorry for himself. I was startin to feel like it was my fault when his housemate came in and had a right go at me!
She called me vindictive and nasty and said I'd been right bitch for not answering my phone and my bf had gone out looking for me and everything and he was worried sick. (He knows where I live if he was that bloody concerned he coulda just come down like!)
I was so taken aback, because she's usually really friendly that I didn't even have the ability to tell her to go F*ck off and mind her own business.
My bf just sat there snivelling and saying how could you do this to me etc
I lost it and told him he knew exactly why I left and it's own fault for being a total pr1ck in the first place and stormed out.
Well as good as that felt, pretty much everyone we know now thinks I'm a scheming psycho bitch and he's the poor little wounded lamb.
I accept on one level that maybe he doesn't remember exactly what happened and I'm really devestated about the way things ended and I don't want him to think I hurt him on purpose. I don't owe him anything but I really don't want him to think of me that way either. But then there's this other side of me that wants to just scream at him for what he did.
We're in the same group of friends so I can't avoid him either.
Oh PS: I don't drink so I was sober for all of this.

cowzerp

Make sure the group know why you left, he could of raped you or anything with that mentality-make sure its him that comes out of this bad and not you-learn from this and be careful around excessively drunk people! dont spare his feelings if your going to look like the bad guy here!

The Sweeper

Sounds like your boyfriend's a scumbag when he's drunk.

Two fingers to the lot of them. Anyone asks you why you didn't answer your phone, tell them precisely what you've typed here.

This isn't your fault. But the next time you speak to your ex-boyfriend, tell him exactly what he did, blow by blow, and ask him precisely what he thinks you should have done.

Guy's an asshole. You're well rid.

star-pants

Hey there -- That's horrible you had to experience that - especially the fact he was your boyfriend at the time.

As you said he might have been so drunk he doesn't recall how he was/the fight (That doesn't excuse him at all but just that he may not remember). So perhaps - is there anyway you can talk to him? (not that he deserves your time but so you can tell him what he did) Altho in saying that - he's not going to want other people to know what a dangerous person he was whilst drunk.
Just tell your friends -- your *true* friends what happened -- you don't have to tell them every thing if you don't want to give details, but say that he was aggressive & pushy & you were scared & left.
His friend btw had no right to yell at you like that -- as you said he knew where you lived if he wanted to come & check if you'd gotten home.
I can understand you were shocked at having people have a go at you so you couldn't set them straight at the time -- but if you think it won't go pear shaped/have them think you're making stuff up, maybe take that housemate to the side & tell her whats what.

the other side -- is to try and move on & definitely stay away from that guy(either way!!)
Hope you're ok

StormWarrior

I second that. The next time anyone has a go at you, tell them exactly what he did. He sounds like an absolute b******. Maybe he can remember what happened, he just didn't want people to know what he had done.

dr.bollocko

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Two fingers to the lot of them.

QFT

Oryx

Go to the person in your group of friends you feel closest to. Have a quiet chat with them, and explain what went on from your point of view. Given that what you are saying sounds reasonable to me, your friend will hopefully see where you are coming from. Ask them to explain to your other friends in the group. You may have to put up with the fact that things will be a bit unsettled among your friends until this dies down, but at least your side of the story will have been put across.

Bad luck on the boyfriend, by the way. But Im glad you found out about his nasty side before being subjected to anything worse.

Caliden

He remembers exactly what happened. If he remembers the arguement he knows why you left and what he did. He is using the drink as an excuse.

I've had moments where I've been drinking all day and for the life of me can't remember how I got home. It's scary stuff but you don't remember minor details like arguements when you're that drunk.

If you push him you will get it out of him. As for his roommate, it was none of her business and you should have told her to get stuffed and keep her big nose out of it.

Make the story clear to your friends saying he practically tried to force you to have sex. Ignore that loser and all his snivelling texts.

PeakOutput

wat a dickhead............explain yourself once to your friends if thats not enough for them fuk them too

BaZmO*

soangrysosad wrote:

my bf had gone out looking for me and everything and he was worried sick.

soangrysosad wrote:

(He knows where I live if he was that bloody concerned he coulda just come down like!)

That right there shows that he is full of sh1t.

matt-dublin

Definitly better off leaving him IMO,

if he's that bad when he's drunk at 19, imagine what he'll be like in 10 or 20 years...

Matti's Spider sence says.... Wife Beater on the way.

Confront him infront of his friends i say!

miles teg

I not sure if you knew if he was awake or not but years ago my girlfriend told me one of the best conversations I ever had with her was in the middle of the night when she got really upset and I made her feel better. She was really grateful the next day but I couldn't remember a word of it... I was asleep all through it! (and hadn't been drinking at all)

It's possible that with either/or the drink and sleepiness, he basically wasn't being himself... dreamlike perhaps (I think you mentioned he's usually much nicer). Anyway, from reading your post, seems to me there's crossed wires. From his point of view, you were gone. From your point of view, he was being a spa.

the_syco

miles teg wrote:

From his point of view, you were gone. From your point of view, he was being a spa.

And from my point of view he was trying to forceably undress you to bone you. Tell him, if he remembers nothing of that, you can't trust him anymore, and that he needs help.

Vegeta

the_syco wrote:

And from my point of view he was trying to forceably undress you to bone you. Tell him, if he remembers nothing of that, you can't trust him anymore, and that he needs help.

yup, steer well clear and they're not exactly great friends if they wont stand by you

Talliesin

It is impossible to make everyone in the world happy with you.

Once you accept that you start to care more about which people are happy with you and which aren't.

After you reach that point you begin to take assholes saying bad things about you as a good sign.

You have an asshole saying bad things about you. Take comfort in that fact.

Flicky1

Caliden wrote:

He remembers exactly what happened. If he remembers the arguement he knows why you left and what he did. He is using the drink as an excuse.

I've had moments where I've been drinking all day and for the life of me can't remember how I got home. It's scary stuff but you don't remember minor details like arguements when you're that drunk.

If you push him you will get it out of him. As for his roommate, it was none of her business and you should have told her to get stuffed and keep her big nose out of it.

Make the story clear to your friends saying he practically tried to force you to have sex. Ignore that loser and all his snivelling texts.

I agree he def remembers the "row". The cynic in me would think that perhaps he was being wonderful just to get laid and felt he had waited long enough and when you said no he went beserk.

You better set your friends straight soon. The longer you leave it the less likely it is that they will believe you. He has poisoned them already!!!

Marksie

Flicky1 wrote:

The longer you leave it the less likely it is that they will believe you.

and if in explaining to them they still don't believe you. Dont keep trying to persuade them.
Give a shrug and say, well thats up to you to belive or not.

Otherwise you run into the "methinks, she doth protest too much" syndrome.

as for the not avoiding him, looks like he is doing a pretty good job of attempting to isolate you.

Dub_girl_101

Jeez thats a really tough situation your in. What I took from reading the first half was that he did seem to be an incredible boyfriend to have (shy, kind and the good-looking bit is a bonus), so i'm just wondering do you personally think it's an alcoholrelated problem with him? ie/ he changes personality when alcohol has taken over...

If that is the case, I think you should talk it out with him one on one cuz the only way of sorting something out at the end of the day is simply by talking. I really feel for you when you say all your/his friends are blaming you and calling you nasty stuff cuz you've done absolutely nothing wrong...so I wouldn't worry about it!

If he does have a problem with alcohol (could be addiction, change of character or whatever the case may be) I'd suggest telling him to get it sorted with a counscillor or someone before you get back together cuz I've known a few women whose husbands have been extremely aggresive with alcohol consumed...in one case she was even forced to jump out the kitchen window while he held a knive in the air! Though thats a very extreme case...

Hope some of that was of use to you! As easy as it sounds though, try not to worry about it, just remember, it's not your problem...

aidan24326

cowzerp wrote:

Make sure the group know why you left, he could of raped you or anything with that mentality-make sure its him that comes out of this bad and not you

Possible but in fairness the OP has made no suggestion that he tried to rape her so it would be wise to avoid using that word, as the mere mention of it even in a non-accusatory way can have people turning 2 and 2 into 7.

OP, many people have done foolish or out of character things at one time or another when drunk, and it could have been a one-off, but this sounds much worse than average and it sounds like he was being aggressive and almost threatening in his tone. That would be a major red flag and you've made the right decision in leaving him. No use hanging around to let him do that to you again, which he likely would.

LegacyUser

Hi again, everyone,

I don't think he woulda raped me or anything like that because apart from pushing me he never got physical and even at that he was pushing me away not trying to pull me closer or hold me down.

I believe he doesn't really remember it, I don't think he's calculating enough to lie and make stuff up.

However I have no intention of getting back with him. If it had been further down the line maybe I'd give it a chance. I really liked him but just the way he treated me and how pathetic he acted afterwards was just too much.

And marksie I agree with you that I can't really go overboard with pleading my case either because I'll just look like I'm being spiteful.

Also some of my friends I've talked to are of the impression of "What did I expect getting into bed with him in the first place" and I'm a tease etc.
They didn't say it in a mean way just in a matter of fact way so I'll choose to ignore it I think.

lucernarian

You could try to show your friends this thread?? It is a very honest summary of what happened, and there wouldn't be any of the usual shouting etc.

portford

He sounds like a manipulative ****er who always gets his way and when he doesnt get it he throws a hissie fit. What a tit? I know exactly how you feel considering im in the process of dumping my asshole of a BF. He's not a nice person at all with drink, very much into himself and like your ex wants to get his own way the whole time. Hate that ****

The_B_Man

ye print this thread out and accidentally leave it lyin around somewhere!!

just let me know if u are doin that and ill delete this post or edit it to say sumtin mean! lol

tritium

Have to agree with other posters on this one. The "I was drunk and I don't remember" line is basically crap. He remembers enough to know you had a row, and in my experience the drink is usually a convenient excuse to dodge responsibility for his actions.

To be honest your ex sounds like a self absorbed, self pitying waste of space, and you're probably lucky that you find this out now rather than later in a relationship. I'd go with other posters on this and explain in detail to people why you left. Oh and if his housemate is still being stroppy about it, then tell her politely but firmly to shag off

delos

soangrysosad wrote:

I don't think he's calculating enough to lie and make stuff up.

Alternatively, he could be very good at lying and manipulation when he is sober and loses his touch when he's drunk. Sorry for being cynical but you are well rid of him...

K-9

soangrysosad wrote:

Also some of my friends I've talked to are of the impression of "What did I expect getting into bed with him in the first place" and I'm a tease etc.
They didn't say it in a mean way just in a matter of fact way so I'll choose to ignore it I think.

Yeah, ignore that. So if he had raped you, would they still say the same?

comongethappy

Listen - you're friends are wrong for brushing this off. It's okay if he had asked for sex, you said no, and he just went back to sleep - but he was being forceful on the issue and showing you no respect whatsoever. If you have a boyfriend, you should be able to sleep in the same bed without having sex! And okay - lets say that it was the drink - he is obviously one of those people that can't mix with drink and needs to avoid it at all costs - but do you really think he would? You're best to be rid of him!

sweet-rasmus

ah, it least talking to your friends went easy enough. clearly, you are going to stay away from him as much as poss, but i hope it doesn't affect your group of friends too badly; that's the worst thing about it all. put it all behind you and look to the future