Insecure on the Dart!?

Dub_girl_101

Well, I just signed up to this thing now so not too familiar with the whole thing but I'm curious...is there anyone else in Dublin that feels like I do (insecure on the dart) or is it just me!?

To briefly fill you in, I get the dart pretty much every morning and evening and I find myself actually worrying about having to get it the next day! That cant be normal surely? And i'm literally cringing on the dart looking around feeling as though everyones staring at me etc. It's sucha horrible feeling and I don't know why I find it so difficult. I've told the odd friend about it and they find it hard to believe me sayind stuff like "what on earth are you insecure about" and all this. Also walking around town, I always take side streets to avoid the main ones like grafton street n all....crazy, I know!

About me, I'm a really friendly, laid back kinda girl, great sense of humour etc. The only thing is, I'm extremely low in confidence and am extremely self conscious everywhere I go. I put myself down a hell of a lot convincing myself i'm not pretty. My family and friends of family etc all think its ridiculous that I feel "ugly" and they all say "its so far from the truth, if only you could see it" and all this. I just cant believe it because I don't know whether they sincerely mean it or not.

I'd really appreciate if people could respond to this with their views on it! Cheers!

spurious

I'm having terrible deja vu with this - was this in some other forum earlier today?

If you are that anxious that it is affecting your life, you might talk to your doctor about some ways of relaxing - meditation etc.

The other people on the Dart are not looking at you btw and you're not ugly.

blobert

Unlike most other public transport the seats on the Dart face each other. I think this makes a lot of people uncomfortable, unlike a bus you are facing strangers.

txt_mess

Sounds like you have a bit of a fear of crowds as well as being insecure its quite common lots of people just can't handle large groups or confined areas.

As for feeling ugly or that everyone is staring at you it is probably in your head but maybe you need to talk to a consellor or someone objective that could help you understand whats going on in your head.

Luckyduck

You have to keep reminding yourself that you are as good as anyone else.... when in doubt abd worrying about what people think always imagine them on the loo! Works for me if I feel intimidated by someone!!

am i bovvered?

I think a session of confidence building/assertiveness etc with a counsellor would do wonders for you.It might be worth looking into.Theres loads of these courses out there,just look up counsellors in your area in the yellow pages,most list the areas they specialise in.

WindSock

No matter how ugly you feel, remember that there are always people uglier than you ....


and prettier . Such is life...

KilbarrackBlows

Dub_girl_101 wrote:

Well, I just signed up to this thing now so not too familiar with the whole thing but I'm curious...is there anyone else in Dublin that feels like I do (insecure on the dart) or is it just me!?

To briefly fill you in, I get the dart pretty much every morning and evening and I find myself actually worrying about having to get it the next day! That cant be normal surely? And i'm literally cringing on the dart looking around feeling as though everyones staring at me etc. It's sucha horrible feeling and I don't know why I find it so difficult. I've told the odd friend about it and they find it hard to believe me sayind stuff like "what on earth are you insecure about" and all this. Also walking around town, I always take side streets to avoid the main ones like grafton street n all....crazy, I know!

About me, I'm a really friendly, laid back kinda girl, great sense of humour etc. The only thing is, I'm extremely low in confidence and am extremely self conscious everywhere I go. I put myself down a hell of a lot convincing myself i'm not pretty. My family and friends of family etc all think its ridiculous that I feel "ugly" and they all say "its so far from the truth, if only you could see it" and all this. I just cant believe it because I don't know whether they sincerely mean it or not.

I'd really appreciate if people could respond to this with their views on it! Cheers!

I know exactly what you mean i dont like the dart at all and feel the same most times i go on it i think it is mainly because you have to sit face 2 face kinda. But i use to be mugged by a local gang on our train station when i moved to kilbarrack so that probaly has something to do with it :eek:

Also tend to do the same in town but its just an anxiety thing always paronoid id be attacked by a junkie or someone if i use to bring money with me id hide it in my sock thats how paro i was but im not botherd anymore.

The dart always feels unsafe there's always a gang of little nackers or some scummy ****e hassling me all the way home from connely station i was terrafied he started smoking spliffs on the dart and sat in front of me and was drinking vodka and kept trying to get me to drink with him there was two nuns sitting beside me :eek: they thought i was friends with him but i was just trying to get away from the freak he fell asleep and nearly fell onto me ! that was years and years ago i was only 17 at that time.(25 now)

Also people always seem to be gawking at me or im just paro or there is something on my face i didnt notice !

Esel

Bring a book and read it. And realise that people are only 'looking' at you because they happen to be facing you.

patrickolee

You are probably looking at them to see if they are looking at you, they are looking at you because you are looking at them! Stop looking, you'll be grand.

muppetkiller

It's probably a self image problem coupled with the fact that your in a confined space. Get some of those self-help books to read on the dart...you'll probably end up laughing when you read them and how they relate to your problem.
I really enjoyed change your life in 7 days by Paul McKenna...

Dub_girl_101

Thanks a mil for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Yea I think it is a low confidence/self-image problem...the thing that baffles me though is the question of "is there something wrong with my image/how i look", I just cant believe people who tell me i'm pretty and all this, I just like block it out completely! I've been thinking this way for years because when I was in school I got a rough time (schoolbag cut up into pieces with a scissors, my stuff thrown out the window on the top storey of the school etc) and I was always a real friendly, bubbly kinda girl so I thought "what can be the problem" and so thats when i started believeing it was the way i looked...Is that a normal way to feel/think or am what does anyone think? Thanks a mil!

muppetkiller

You've just programmed your brain into thinking negative subconsious thoughts when it comes to your looks. It's not an easy change that but it can be done. You just have to learn not to be so hard on yourself and lots of positive thoughts.

'Self-talk is the endless stream of thoughts that run through your head every day. These automatic thoughts can be positive or negative. Some of your self-talk comes from logic and reason. Other self-talk may arise from misconceptions that you create because of lack of information.

If the thoughts that run through your head are mostly negative, your outlook on life is likely pessimistic. If your thoughts are mostly positive, you're likely an optimist — someone who practices positive thinking.'
Here's a few examples I pulled from the web ..

Filtering.
You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all of the positive ones. For example, say you had a great day at work. You completed your tasks ahead of time and were complimented for doing a speedy and thorough job. But you forgot one minor step. That evening, you focus only on your oversight and forget about the compliments you received.

Personalizing.
When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. For example, you hear that an evening out with friends is canceled and you assume that the change in plans is because no one wanted to be around you.

Catastrophizing.
You automatically anticipate the worst. You refuse to go out with friends for fear that you'll make a fool of yourself. Or one change in your daily routine leads you to think the entire day will be a disaster.

Polarizing.
You see things only as either good or bad, black or white. There is no middle ground. You feel that you have to be perfect or that you're a total failure.

You can learn positive thinking
Instead of giving in to these kinds of negative self-talk, weed out misconceptions and irrational thinking and then challenge them with rational, positive thoughts. When you do this, your self-talk will gradually become realistic and self-affirming — you engage in positive thinking.

You can learn to turn negative thinking into positive thinking. The process is simple, but it takes time and practice — you are creating a new habit, after all.

Periodically during the day, stop and evaluate what you're thinking. If you find that your thoughts are mainly negative, try to find a way to put a positive spin on them.

Start by following one simple rule: Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else.

Examples of typical negative self-talk and how you might apply a positive thinking twist include:

Negative self-talk Positive spin
I've never done it before. - It's an opportunity to learn something new.
It's too complicated. - I'll tackle it from a different angle.
I don't have the resources. - Necessity is the mother of invention.
There's not enough time. - Let's re-evaluate some priorities.
There's no way it will work. - I can try to make it work.
It's too radical a change. - Let's take a chance.
I'm not going to get any better at this. - I'll give it another try.

Practicing positive thinking every day
If you tend to have a negative outlook, don't expect to become an optimist overnight. But with practice, eventually your self-talk will automatically contain less self-criticism and more self-acceptance. You may also become less critical of the world around you.

Practicing positive self-talk will improve your outlook. When your state of mind is generally optimistic, you're able to handle everyday stress in a constructive way. That ability may contribute to the widely observed health benefits of positive thinking.



The funny thing is you probably see a fella with a girl and think to yourself I'm way better looking than her, yet if he was single you'd be thinkin i'm not pretty enough lol...the brain is a funny thing.

Victor

Tomorrow. Stop for a moment and count how many people's faces are looking in your direction. Then how many are actually looking at you. You will find it is a very small number.

Dub_girl_101 wrote:

Also walking around town, I always take side streets to avoid the main ones like grafton street n all....crazy, I know!

Thats not so crazy, depending on one's reasoning. I will sometimes take the longer, quieter route, just so I don't have to stress out negotiating the crowd.

Sometimes I'll stay on the bus at O'Connell Bridge, even though walking would be quicker, because it is safer on the bus.

matt-dublin

i think if you look at this: http://www.pie.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055139404

you'll realise that there's nothing to worry about.

Do you look at other people on the dart? Or do things that might make other people feel insecure?

Big crowds don't bother me, purely cos i don't let them. Its probably just me but i don't like to let things like that to get to me, i feel its pointless and will only hold me back as a person.

KilbarrackBlows

Dub_girl_101 wrote:

Thanks a mil for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Yea I think it is a low confidence/self-image problem...the thing that baffles me though is the question of "is there something wrong with my image/how i look", I just cant believe people who tell me i'm pretty and all this, I just like block it out completely! I've been thinking this way for years because when I was in school I got a rough time (schoolbag cut up into pieces with a scissors, my stuff thrown out the window on the top storey of the school etc) and I was always a real friendly, bubbly kinda girl so I thought "what can be the problem" and so thats when i started believeing it was the way i looked...Is that a normal way to feel/think or am what does anyone think? Thanks a mil!

i think thats common among people who got bullied in school i use to get ganged up on and they would cover me in spit :mad: and steal my books and PE was a nightmere i just stoped doing it all together to avoid them.
But looking back now i know the things they said werent true im not a ugly ginger considering the guys who said had heads that were bordering on a donkey human cross breeding program of some kind.

vespahead

blobert wrote:

Unlike most other public transport the seats on the Dart face each other. I think this makes a lot of people uncomfortable, unlike a bus you are facing strangers.

well not true on the bottom floor of most double deckers and singles there are seats facing each other down the bck,

but ye i know wat u mean i hate being stared at and hate to be around large groups of strangers

i think self confidence wise i have the same feelings as you i constantly feel ugly and cant bare to look in the mirror with my shirt off sometimes.altough im told im not how i view myself i still get depressed over it,and even worse around my friends i act totally confident even cocky and never let anybody see me depresed or even sad.

sorry its such a long post but i geuss what im saying is its not easy when you feel this way and their are other people who feel this way

KyussBishop

I posted this in the other thread, it sounds like you have social anxiety:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

Zillah

Hmm, the things about needing to avoid busier streets like Grafton is a bit extreme. You might be developing Agoraphobia. If its becoming a problem maybe talk to a psychologist? If nothing else they could help with your confidence issues.

Victor

Lets no be jumping to conclusions that only a doctor should make. For example social anxiety causes difficulty with (performance related) social interaction, there is no evidence of that here.

Dub_girl_101

matt-dublin wrote:

i think if you look at this: http://www.pie.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055139404

you'll realise that there's nothing to worry about.

Do you look at other people on the dart? Or do things that might make other people feel insecure?

Big crowds don't bother me, purely cos i don't let them. Its probably just me but i don't like to let things like that to get to me, i feel its pointless and will only hold me back as a person.

Eh no I wouldn't really look at people on the dart...like I actually wouldn't bother really cuz not alone is it rude to stare but i don't wanna freak anyone out! But you know yourself....its only normal to have a quick scan of your surroundings but nah I'd just listen to my ipod or something! Though your other question is interesting..."do things that might make other people feel insecure?". Come to think of it I probably do, what i do i don't know but I think in some situations where I'm just so nervous other people can sense that and that in turn makes them nervous! haha completely unintentional tho!

Also thanks a mil everyone else for all your comments...i really appreciate it! Jeez this board thing can become quite addictive!

Marksie

A lot of what the posters say makes sense and yes, a lot of this is down to your self-esteem issues.
You know the probable cause of these and there has been advice given about positive thinking, changing your outlook and wasys of doing this.

Its common enough for people to look around and catch each others eyes on trains etc. Its not necessarily because you are standing out it just is the way people act.

There is also the possibility that it IS because you are pretty of course .

Also, i dont like the heaving crowds you get (sometimes i feel that three in a shop is too much lol)

But that is due to the concept of personal space. or to put it another way the comfort zone. The space within which we are not comfortable with strangers being present.
It sometimes is a cultural thing, but it can be invaded in areas such as public transport or areas of heavy population density. It is in fact the same for everyone to a greater or lesser degree.

In addition there is social conditioning,: we are taught from an early age that catching somenes eye and staring is somehow a challenge, not to be done, something wrong. This may be exacerbated in your case because of your past experiences

certainly in some of the workshops i have attended we have done exercises or processes whereby we look directly at people attending who we don't know. It can feel strange doing this, but surprisibngly they fele the same thing. but with practice this uncomfortable feeling wears off.

In the end it could be a total mixture of some or all of teh above. But teh fact is, you are aware and have been given advice by others here on steps to try.

the_syco

spurious wrote:

The other people on the Dart are not looking at you btw and you're not ugly.

Actually, I tend to look at the fine ones. OP: if there are people glancing at you on the dart, it's cos you're a babe. Simple as.

=-=

As for catching ones eye, I'm a f**ker for doing this, subconciously.

KyussBishop

Victor wrote:

Lets no be jumping to conclusions that only a doctor should make. For example social anxiety causes difficulty with (performance related) social interaction, there is no evidence of that here.

There are many differing degrees and symptoms of social anxiety (agoraphobia being one of them, I have both) and performance anxiety is not a specific necessity for social anxiety.

I'm not jumping to conclusions in this case, I'm suggesting to the OP that she might have social anxiety. There is enough info in the link I gave (and the link Zillah gave on agoraphobia) to give a self diagnosis.

Victor

KyussBishop wrote:

self diagnosis.

Self diagnosis is a fools game and medical diagnosis isn't permitted or acceptable over the internet.

Further discussion moved to Biology & Medicine here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055140682