Daddy no help!!!

lil-buttons

Hi,

Ill make this short.
I have a baby of three months and have just gone back to work part time(need the money). I am finding it a bit hard cos Im very tired all the time now.

The daddy in question helps out once in a blue moon - yes he plays with the baby but I need him to get up with the baby feed him change him anything at all. Its really annoying me and no matter how many times I sit down and tell him how I feel or ask him to help he just doesnt.

I really feel like the relationship is coming to an end because of this. We argue because of this and he just acts like yeah she wont leave or like he doesnt care - and I know he loves the baby loads.

I really dont know what to do!

Any suggestions - much appreciated!

Femelade

Is there somewhere you can go? Can you move in with your parents or family member for a week or so? .i'm sure your family would love to help you out, it is very hard to mind a baby when you are lacking sleep, it can be very frustrationg trying to do it on your own, believe me, i know well.
i think a kick up the ass is what this guy needs. You need to make him see that "eh, yeah i will leave you if you dont cop on"....


has he seen the new SMA ad? its very daddy orientated. Might be an eye opener for some dad's.

Nevyn

lil-buttons wrote:

Hi,

Ill make this short.
I have a baby of three months and have just gone back to work part time(need the money). I am finding it a bit hard cos Im very tired all the time now.

The daddy in question helps out once in a blue moon - yes he plays with the baby but I need him to get up with the baby feed him change him anything at all. Its really annoying me and no matter how many times I sit down and tell him how I feel or ask him to help he just doesnt.

I really feel like the relationship is coming to an end because of this. We argue because of this and he just acts like yeah she wont leave or like he doesnt care - and I know he loves the baby loads.

I really dont know what to do!

Any suggestions - much appreciated!

You need to set up a division of labour for the house and the childcare.

It takes a year for your body to go back to how it was after having a baby,
and you need to start as you mean to go on.

IF you are both working then you have to share the chores at home.
Working a 40 + hour week and doing the loin's share of the house work and childcare will quickly have you run down and miserable and depressed.
Trust me been there and done that and it was not fun.

Have you left Dad and daughter alone for the day yet to get them to bond and to give him the chance to gain some skills and confidence and to get a break yourself ?

txt_mess

Like the other posters said he needs a good kick to get him into action.

Think you need to pass the lot over to him for a day/night make up some work trip or something that means you have to go off for the night book yourself into a hotel and catch up on your rest.

hellbell123

hi there..

you should tell your bloke your off out for the afternoon/evening and go for coffee with a friend or sister or whatever you want really and leave him to do some of the real hard work himself!

something like this might make him realize just how much work is involved and show him what a damn good job your doing..hopefully he,l see how much you need his support

Tarakiwa

Maybe he is nervous ...... help him ....... show him how to do things ....... ease him into it!

DinoBot

OP,

I'm going to stand up for the dad because I found myself guilty of the same type of behavior when we had my youngest

Id say he is a bit unaware of the work load involved because you have took up the slack too often. Now although leaving him with the baby for an afternoon or a full day might help I don't think it will.
You really need to assign him tasks (us men need to told what to do, really bad at multitasking )

Perhaps, it should be his job to prepare the baby for the next day in childcare (or where ever). He would be 100% in charge of getting the bag and food ready etc. , expect mess ups and allow him to mess up. RESIST helping too much.
I think giving well defined tasks is better than leaving him to it for short bursts.

di11on

I'm a daddy and I get an elbow in the ribs when it's my turn :-)

What's worked for us when one person feels like they're burdened with an unfair share of something, generally, is a rota system.

That can be a great cause of resentment, when one person feels like the other isn't helping out in a particular area. The sad truth of it, speaking from a man's point of view, is that we just can't (or won't) see these things ourselves and have to be pushed. So now, every other morning, it's my turn to feed baby. Works for my wife and works for me too, because now I know that she's not lying in bed thinking "oh here we go again, time to get baby, my useless husband never helps out" :-)

RIRI

First of all OP the return to work (be it full or part time) is very, very difficult and requires a lot of adjustment - on everyone's part.

I have had a similar experience and even though I had sat OH down on several occasions and tried to explain how exhausting it was trying to manage a full-time job / meals / laundry etc etc etc it was like talking to a brick wall. It almost drove me to the point of leaving him.

I started doing what other posters have suggested i.e. giving him full responsibility for getting babs organised for the childminder. There were a good few occasions where no lunch was packed or he forgot the suncream or change of clothes but while he could turn a deaf ear to my complaints he couldn't ignore the childminder! (A wonderful lady btw). as soon as OH realised the amount of work involved in just that one task he's far more receptive to my requests to help me out.
As others have also suggested I went off to Spain for 5 days to visit a friend and left absolutely nothing organised for either babs or OH. Slightly cruel maybe but it helped cop him on. I also stopped doing OH's laundry completely for a while A bit drastic but again he now realises the effort it all takes. I still have to tell him what needs doing but it's better than nothing. I imagine you feel taken advantage of and unappreciated at the moment but honestly most of the time they just don't realise!
Best of luck

lil-buttons

Thanks all -

There are some good suggestions and just as this was posted I have to go away for a night(really) next weekm for work so it might help.

Again thanks for the advice much appreciated
x

valen

It's also worth remembering that some guys need you to be blunt with them. If it's 06:00, you are tired and the baby is crying, just say 'your turn', dump the baby with him, and head for the spare room for a while. It's too early for arguing.

My wife has deemed 06:00 - 09:00 to be 'daddy time' where we play in the living room & watch Mythbusters (eight month olds love explosions). I know she really appreciates those few hours in the morning.

John

hakenberg

To be honest my wife and I decided that If I had to get up for work then it was not fair I should get up with our first daughter during the night, my wife could always nap during the day when the child was napping, on weekends we took shifts.

however when we had our second daughter it was pretty much all hands on deck...

If Daddy does not want to help with night feeds and does not have to get up for work at 8:00 deny him sex(always worked for my wife).

DinoBot

hakenberg wrote:

If Daddy does not want to help with night feeds and does not have to get up for work at 8:00 deny him sex(always worked for my wife).

Hey!!! What are you doing giving ideas like that out. :eek: :eek: :eek:





MY WIFE might read that................

simona

Leaving a father with a baby for few days might end up with a disaster: a room full or nappies and mess and worried father.on the other hand,as others said previously,might bont both of them

i would advise you to spend a weekend only with your husband,making sure your relatives take care of the child.probably both of you need some time togather to understand each other...
from my personal experience...just be happy that he is with you..be happy that he sticked with you and not ran away like so many genetic dad's.i say genetic because they are not worth being called dads .(running away and not caring)
good luck to you

Gillie

Tarakiwa wrote:

Maybe he is nervous ...... help him ....... show him how to do things ....... ease him into it!

Nervous after three monthes?

He needs to get the finger out TBH!

I feel that I do as much as my wife does and whenever possible will get up during the unsocialable hours.

We're lucky in that our baby is fantastic at night.

Most nights she sleeps straight through.

As for Dads not getting involved - ye don't know what ye are missing!
It's the best thing that has ever happened me - EVER!!

I hope you get him straightened out OP!

simona

Gillie wrote:

Nervous after three monthes?

He needs to get the finger out TBH!

I feel that I do as much as my wife does and whenever possible will get up during the unsocialable hours.

We're lucky in that our baby is fantastic at night.

Most nights she sleeps straight through.

As for Dads not getting involved - ye don't know what ye are missing!
It's the best thing that has ever happened me - EVER!!

I hope you get him straightened out OP!

Ohmygod that waas soo cute i wish my child's father would say the same.

tuppence

Gillie wrote:

As for Dads not getting involved - ye don't know what ye are missing!
It's the best thing that has ever happened me - EVER!!

I hope you get him straightened out OP!

Fair play that you are so enlightened. Unfortunately, theres too many that arent. A new baby really rocks the foundation of a relationship and many donnt survive. I reckon there needs to be more of a groundswell of movement in relation to male attitudes. There are still men out there that have no notion of partnership working. Some still see that if you're a woman, you genetically and instinctively know what to do, and are able and up to do it and that any request for support is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, when you try and straighten them out then your a 'nag"....Sad but true. Keep up the good work and make sure you shame any of your male mates that tell you any different. Some learn what there missing a bit too late.

stinkybum

simona wrote:

Leaving a father with a baby for few days might end up with a disaster: a room full or nappies and mess and worried father.on the other hand,as others said previously,might bont both of them

Oh dear - dirty nappies lying around - how awful !!! I'd rather a dirty room and a father that gives a **** than a clean room and a lonely baby.
If my OH behaves like that when our LO arrives, he'll be out on his ear so fast. Once the baby is warm and fed and safe, i dont care what happens.

simona wrote:

from my personal experience...just be happy that he is with you..be happy that he sticked with you and not ran away like so many genetic dad's.i say genetic because they are not worth being called dads .(running away and not caring)
good luck to you

Are you taking the piss ?? Be glad he didnt run away ???? :eek:

I dont know about the rest of the women on this site but i dont know why ANY woman needs a lazy fat arse sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching television to help her raise children.

My best mates OH did bugger all when the baby arrived and eventually after 6 weeks, he came home to find 2 bags packed, one for her and one for him. She said that if he didnt take the baby for 2 nights while she went to a spa, he could take his bag and never come back. Their 2nd is due any day

simona

i am not taking a piss at all
yeah in some cases it's much better to be on your own

TScul

Just tape that new SMA ad on tv and play it on a loop until he gets it!

Seriously though, he helped create that child so he needs to help take care of him. My husband and I share all the baby work, always have. When he went back to work after baby was born I'd get up at night during the week and he'd take over at the weekends so I could get a good night's sleep. Thankfully he was sleeping through from around 6 weeks. He'll be 2 in dec and we're both working fulltime so it's completely 50/50. Well, it was until I became preggers again so now it's more him 75, me 25. But I am minding the second one 24/7...

Gillie

tuppence wrote:

Fair play that you are so enlightened. Unfortunately, theres too many that arent. A new baby really rocks the foundation of a relationship and many donnt survive. I reckon there needs to be more of a groundswell of movement in relation to male attitudes. There are still men out there that have no notion of partnership working. Some still see that if you're a woman, you genetically and instinctively know what to do, and are able and up to do it and that any request for support is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, when you try and straighten them out then your a 'nag"....Sad but true. Keep up the good work and make sure you shame any of your male mates that tell you any different. Some learn what there missing a bit too late.

Most of my male mates are fascinated but none of them are fathers yet themselves! Its funny to watch their reactions when they see my little one though! I swear they get broody! Although they'd probably never admit it.

What can I say though. I feel like the luckiest man alive! (Jesus that sounds soppy!:o )

tuppence

Gillie wrote:

Its funny to watch their reactions when they see my little one though! I swear they get broody!

No, That would be the wind:D

kelle

lil-buttons wrote:

Hi,

Ill make this short.
I have a baby of three months and have just gone back to work part time(need the money). I am finding it a bit hard cos Im very tired all the time now.

The daddy in question helps out once in a blue moon - yes he plays with the baby but I need him to get up with the baby feed him change him anything at all. Its really annoying me and no matter how many times I sit down and tell him how I feel or ask him to help he just doesnt.

I really feel like the relationship is coming to an end because of this. We argue because of this and he just acts like yeah she wont leave or like he doesnt care - and I know he loves the baby loads.

I really dont know what to do!

Any suggestions - much appreciated!

I'm sorry, OP, but I could not put up with that! My OH is excellent, so I'm very lucky. What I think is frightening is, what if both of you decided to have the same attitude towards looking after your child? The child would be neglected, and in need of intervention by Social Services. That means he could be called a child neglecter (incorrect grammar, I know), but he gets away with it because you're there to do it all. Well, he helped bring the child into the world and he has a responsibility! There's a lot of good suggestions here.
Actually, my grandmother was horrified to see my husband change my son's nappy a few years ago, she remarked (as if proud of herself and declaring me useless) that not once did she ever ask her husband for help when rearing their children! My aunt told her she was one big bloody eejit.

di11on

There's another dimension to this that maybe you should highlight to Mr NoSoUsefulWithBaby.

When the baby was breastfeeing, there was very little I could do, lacking the appropriate equipment! Since she's weaned, I'm able to help out an awful lot more. As a result, I feel much more connected to our daughter... in fact, since being weaned, I now have a wonderful relationship with her and realise how much I was out of the picture before.

So what I'm trying to say is that your OH is seriously missing out... to have my girl crawl up to me in a flurry of excitement when I come home from work is the best feeling in the world.