Impossible friend

LegacyUser

Here's a long story, so fair play to anyone who sticks it out til the end and still finds it makes sense .

I've been close friends with a girl since we met in college 3 years ago. But lately I don't know what to do about her.
She's very jealous of me and very insecure and it's making it very hard for us to hang out.
I know I sound very full of myself saying she's jealous of me but I really feel that's the case, which I will explain in a minute!
I used to just ignore her silly behaviour because when she is good she is very very good but her latest stunt has really just led me to believe she is completely twisted.

Anyway here is some background info. (I know this will all seem irrelevant but I do have a point I promise!)
We met in college.
She had a boyfriend, seemed like a nice guy but was seldom seen.
I was single and we hung out in a big group of friends.
There was one guy in particular,MZ. And often it would just be the three of us hanging out, going to the movies etc. Anyways it was pretty obvious she fancied him and that he fancied me! He came on to me a few times but I wasn't interested and we became really good friends. Around this time I started dating the man of my silly teenage dreams, BX. Anyway after a few months that went sour I was heartbroken over BX and everyone knew it, you know how it is at 17 it feels like the end of the world!
Anyway MZ started trying it on again.
I still wasn't interested but my friend kept saying I should give him a chance, we'd be great together blah blah blah but at the same time she was flirting and being really touchy feely with him. Anyway she broke up with her boyfriend and went straight to MZ and it later turned out she'd been sleeping with him for the past month... while he was coming on to me and she was telling me to get with him! And then they more or less told everyone in our circle of friends that he had chosen her over me etc blah blah blah. Well I felt a little bothered but because I wasn't in love and didn't fancy him I just put it down to teenage drama and got on with it. We still all got on really well and had a good laugh together so I didn't see the point making a big deal out of it. We were great friends apart from that. I knew she was very insecure, so if she wanted to feel like she'd "won" something then I didn't really see the harm in it... at the time.

I started seeing my current boyfriend 2 years ago, he's a great guy couldn't be happier. But my friend is so so so negative towards him. She's not out and out nasty to him but she tries to make snide little digs about his appearance, his job etc. I think he's gorgeous so I don't care. She tried to come on to him right in front of me at one point, I think she was just trying to make me jealous so that's why I didn't end up decking her one. Her insecurities are not my problem I decided.
Around the time I got with him she started having serious problems with MZ, really bad stuff but she was determined to make it work. She started heavy drinking 3 or 4 nights a week and I think its had a lasting effect on her. She lost all interest in everything, her ambition, her drive everything gone she even cut herself a few times. Their relationship never recovered from their problems and they broke up a few months ago.
I tried to be sympathetic and supportive to her during those two hard years and I never shoved my wonderful relationship in her face or anything of the sort but she just got so bitter towards the idea of me and boyfriend being together. Always trying to find problems that weren't there, telling me I was making mistakes, saying really weird things to him behind my back etc. So we just didn't talk about it anymore. We have two other very close female friends but she never acts like that about their boyfriends! I tried to ask her how she feels about her breakup, but she didn't wanna talk about it so I left it.

Anyways ...
Last weekend, us 4 girls went for a night out. Low and behold BX (my teenage love LOL) was in town. I was grand seeing him again after all that time, I felt nothing it was great!
Anyway he kept trying to talk to me but my friend kept shouting us down. At first I thought she's just afraid I'm gonna cheat because I'm tipsy and she's looking out for me etc... but pretty soon she was all over him like a rash. She then made a big deal of asking me was it ok if she brought him home and would I be ok with that and so on. I think she really wanted me to say no. I said it's fine.
So the next day I get a big long text from her, saying how great the sex was, how he said no one had ever made him feel that way, she was meeting up with him later and so on.
I ran into BX down the town later and kinda laughed and said "Well did you have a good time last night" ... mainly coz I couldn't think of anything else to say!! He then told me that my friend had brought him back to her place, they'd had a few more drinks, and she'd basically spent the whole night bawling about how terrible her life is and how unhappy she is.

I really really feel sorry for her.

She's such a mess and I just don't know what to do about it. My boyfriend thinks I should just cut all ties but I can't really because she's friends with a lot of my friends and when there are no men involved in the equation she's a really great person.
I know she had a rough childhood and having a boyfriend, getting married and having a family is pretty much everything to her. But it's not my fault it hasn't worked out for her (so far! She's only young.) so how do I get her to stop taking it out on me!?? She doesn't act like this with anyone else as far as I know.
I don't know if I should tell her I know about BX or not because I know the next time I see her she'll just be boasting about it and I can't just sit there and play along...It's just wrong.

She's one of those people who always has problems, deaths of people close to her, lost her job, broke up with her boyf, money problems etc all genuine issues so there's never a good time to say it to her. I'd just feel cruel having a go at her. If I approach the subject gently she'll just change the subject. Our other friends have noticed she has a problem with me, but they don't want to get involved. I don't blame them for that I wish I wasn't involved!

I've tried ignoring her ... well ignoring her bullsh*t, I'd still reply to random "How are you" texts and we'd chat about general stuff when we meet up but I always end up being sucked back into the bullsh*t. I don't want to lose a friend but I'm startin to think there isn't much friendship between us left to lose...maybe there never was...I dunno. Is it possible to "break up" with a friend?

Any ideas people?

LegacyUser

Hey,
Don't really know what to tell you to do, but just wanted to say fair play for even hanging on in there speaking to this lunatic. You're a lot more understanding than I would be in that situation...

Your 'friend' is obviously going through a rough time, but it's still not acceptable to be so backhanded towards you. Friendships are supposed to be two-way, but if she is doing a load of taking and then throwing stuff back in your face, I don't really understand what you're getting out of this relationship.

She's probably insecure, with low self esteem and all the rest, but you have to look after yourself. If she's not attacking your other mutual friends, let them do some picking up of the pieces, because you have to protect yourself and your mental health. If it was me, I would keep my distance until she's back in a place where she's not trying to make you jealous or piss you off.

Saying she's fine where men aren't concerned really isn't good enough, because let's be honest here, you'll always have exes and hopefully always be seeing someone or some day married. Is she going to be stroking your future husband's leg in front of you and expecting you to take it? She probably does need to get some therapy and progress her life on and get over her problems, but I would take a step back and let her to that herself. Flag it with your other friends, and then move on to concentrating on friendships where the people actually value you and your friendship...

well that's my two cents!

L

Beruthiel

drama... wrote:

She probably does need to get some therapy and progress her life on and get over her problems, but I would take a step back and let her to that herself. Flag it with your other friends, and then move on to concentrating on friendships where the people actually value you and your friendship...

I would agree with all of the above.
Sit her down, tell her that you care enough about her to suggest that she needs to talk to a professional in order to sort herself and her life out.

Personally, I would have walked away from her long before now and fair play to you for putting up with her for this long.
People like her, who refuse to sort themselves out will eventually drag you down with them.
Life's to short to put up with crap like that. I've no problem being there for someone who's actually making an effort to sort themselves out, but someone who act's like that would be dropped pretty sharpish.

star-pants

Hey there,

I made it through your post & completely understood it.
In reading it - it totally reminded me of an ex-friend of mine.
I'll spare you all the details - and just give you bullet point info

-friends for the guts of 10 years (met in secondary school)
-got on ok for years but knew she'd a few issues
-issues got worse, treatment of her friends got worse
-she'd blow up at you & then expect things to be fine
-anytime you'd try to discuss things she'd change the subject/go offline/ row with you
-she had drinking / spending / guy problems
-date taken/married guys, be treated badly by them, expect to be able to tell you all about it & get comfort (even though she knew full well I didn't agree with it)
-if you pointed out one flaw in her life she'd attack yours

In the end I got sick of it, sick of being treated that way -- its not fair. I felt awful sorry for her cuz she's cut out most of her friends and that's why I stuck by her for so long -- plus when things were ok -- we were good friends. So I do understand where you're coming from.
But you can't let someone -- a supposid friend do that to you. We had one or two mutual friends but unfortunately that's not your problem, they have to sort out their issues themselves if they find it awkward.
We'd had a massive row & I didn't talk to her for 5/6months but then caved n contacted her. We started the friendship again, went ok, but then the old habits crept back, telling me about relationships I don't want to know about because I don't agree with them, picking at my relationships etc.
So one last massive row, where I decided to finally speak my mind to her (in the hopes perhaps she'd listen) ... no... she said really really horrible things to me and I realised that she could no longer be a part of my life -- she hurt me and all I ever did was try to be there for her.
That was maybe 3 ish months ago. No contact either way since.

Unfortunately there won't be an easy way to end the friendship -- She's being rather cruel to you. I feel sorry for your friend too -- all her problems that she has, possibly in a rut & just can't get out of it. But you can only help so far - if they won't be helped/accept it then you really can't do a whole lot. I know some people might read this and think 'you shouldn't give up on a friend' but you can't continue like this forever--trust me--I've tried it, it takes its toll on you and your life and it's so much effort made on your half for it to be constantly thrown in your face. I'm not being harsh or cruel but if she won't talk about things (you should maybe try sitting her down & having a very very honest talk--it may go horribly but it might be worth a shot before you leave the friendship--if that's what you decided to do) -- but yes, if she won't address her issues / how she's treated you then it's not worth it. Friendships can't be all one sided -- which is how it is. I know at times she's probably a great friend but she's also horribly mean to you at others. True friends should not be like that.

Sorry for this awful long post of a reply!! but I just wanted to tell you my experience incase it might be of help to you to hear about a similar situation.

I'm not telling you to 'break-up' with her -- I'm just giving my advice. If there's a chance it could work/she could realise her problems & treat you better then that would be great because it's a pity to end a long friendship. But if its not salvagable then... you'll have to make the break.

I hope this was of some use to you, you seem like a good friend and it's not nice to see good people be treated badly.

WindSock

Sounds like she is not worth the energy. People like this end up draining you. Probably best to cut off all ties and drift away. Let her remain friends with your other friends, if she doesn't have a problem with them. But sure then she will probably find someone else to pick on. She knows she is a mess, it's up her to sort it out.

McGinty

Personally I would let go of her because she is trying to build herself up by dragging you down and eventually she will succeed because you are giving her the space to do it. I think if you were to say to her what happened with BX it would backfire because she has deluded herself and if you expose that I guess she will be viscous towards you.

I have had former female friends flirt with my boyfriend at that time, including my ex-husband. These are not the actions of a friend, would you do the same to her? Her insecurities are hers, if she was that unhappy with life she would do something to change it. She may be the type who enjoys the drama of it all. It may be her only way to get attention. You cannot get her to stop her cruelty towards you because deep down she sees you as a threat and no amount of behaviour will change that. As for your other friends, if you do end the friendship you can meet with them when she is not around and just agree not to discuss her with them. Best of luck

ps: we all get jealous from time to time but not all of us act on it, I know I was jealous of a friend in a relationship and I knew the problem was with me and not her, but I didn't act on it because I care about her moreso than pissing her off.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

I know I should get the hell away, I think half of it is I want to be "Super Friend!" and help her, but I just can't see how or why I should.

We've all suggested therapy to her at some point (for her childhood problems) and she's all for it but never does anything about it.
We can't do it for her because it has to be her decision really.
My sensitive side thinks she doesn't want to admit she has a problem, and she fears being labeled as "crazy" or "psycho" etc but my cynical side thinks that as long as she has these problems she can use them as an excuse to act up and get sympathy. And I don't like having negative thoughts like that.

ollyk1

longstorylong wrote:

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

I know I should get the hell away, I think half of it is I want to be "Super Friend!" and help her, but I just can't see how or why I should.

We've all suggested therapy to her at some point (for her childhood problems) and she's all for it but never does anything about it.
We can't do it for her because it has to be her decision really.
My sensitive side thinks she doesn't want to admit she has a problem, and she fears being labeled as "crazy" or "psycho" etc but my cynical side thinks that as long as she has these problems she can use them as an excuse to act up and get sympathy. And I don't like having negative thoughts like that.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend when they are acting the absolute maggot is call them on it.

They need to realise their behaviour is inappropriate. I'm all for giving people chances and looking kindly towards them as they've had a tough time but people need to be making an effort to overcome their problems not wallow in them and cause more problems for others.

If it was me I'd be very straight up and matter of fact about this with your friend at this stage and spell out the problems I have with their behaviour. If they undertake to address it we could continue to be friends if not a seperation is in order. Btw I'm not just saying this I've done it. It's had good results and I've also lost friends. I've never regretted it.


Don't forget your friends say a lot about you and the person you are. Bear that in mind as you go through life.

CrazyNoob

OP read your post and
IMO
Some people are just self-destructive and cant function

Like a moth to a flame
They will take you and anyone else they can, down the road to ruin

I'd get out and cut ties and move on with your life rather than fighting self caused fires in hers (cos she wont help herself)

redfacedbear

I would suggest talking to your mutual friends about this.

My missus was having issues with an old friend that she kept from their other friends as she didn't want to appear disloyal. When it got to the stage where she had to bring it up she found out that they all were having problems with this person - some of them were similar to hers, others different.

All had offered help with little response and had reached the end of their respective tethers. They all were relieved to find they weren't alone and now, to varying degrees, they have all cut this person loose.

Your friend's behaviour sounds very erratic and your other friends have most likely noticed it too. A common plan of action might achieve better results than individual efforts.

kmick

I recently stopped contacting a firend of mine because of a load of the same issues you are having. One day I just went - ok this friendship is one sided and I am not getting anything from it. Because we had been REALLY good friends for close on 20 years it took me months to get over it. It really was like he had died for me. I mourned for ages and then started to feel better about it. I am ok now I tend to remember the good times (like you do in your mail) but dont get upset any more that they are not part of my life. Move on, concentrate on the good friends you do have and pump the effort into them. If your other mate calls be respectful and friendly but make it clear you are not a walkover. It hurts but you need to move on.

vorbis

had a similar situation with a friend I've know since college. I'm not really sure what started it but we always seemed to end up arguing after a night out a few months back. Both of us ended up saying some pretty nasty things.

The first few times it happened, I put it down to alcohol. Then it started to creep in while he was sober. He started making sniping comments about me being cheap. This was grand as first as I can be a bit tight However, when every single thing you do is construed as cheapness it quickly gets annoying.

The rowing while drunk continued. It certainly bothered me but only really struck home when another friend commented that I wasn't really friends with the other guy anymore. I made an extra effort after that not to escalate any rows but the sniping continued. The "breaing up" moment came though when sharing a taxi ride home with him and some friends.

He wanted me to get out of the taxi and walk 20 minutes home so the taxi could save 5 minutes of time instead of taking a slightly longer route that dropped me off 5 minutes from home. I thought he was joking but he was admanant about it. It caused a vicious row in the car and I've considered the friendship dead since. he's actually been a lot nicer since. However, regards the OP, I think when you reach a point where you say (**** it, why am I hanging around with this person) its very hard to go back.

WindSock

longstorylong wrote:

I know I should get the hell away, I think half of it is I want to be "Super Friend!" and help her, but I just can't see how or why I should.

Dont even bother, seriously, the longer you stick around trying to make things better, the more messed up things will get. A thankless task.

We've all suggested therapy to her at some point (for her childhood problems) and she's all for it but never does anything about it.

Well as you said, it's really up to her now to sort herself out. You can't do any more for her.

ceidefields

OP - I'm tired just reading your post, let alone dealing with your friend! I agree with what everyone else is saying - the end of the road has come for this friendship.

dawgestile

Yep, she sounds like a nightmare
I'd have cut & run a long time ago.

Twinkers

OP- I agree with what everyone else is saying too.

I was in a very similar situation and decided to cut ties. After the initial stress of going through with that, I felt like a weight was lifted and don't regret it at all.