Different ideas of relaxing

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one but basicially my partner and I have been arguing
over relaxing!

Im in a job I hate at the moment,totally wrecks my head and Im on agency
wesites every day looking for a new job. Getting a few calls back but nothing
definate or suitable yet. (Looking for work in paricular area so its taking
longer than normal job hunting)

After a day going through my work and also worrying about current and
possible future work (I tend to stress a lot, over stress even), when I get
home I tend to be tired and so relax by crashing down on the couch and watching tv for a while. Usually anything that doesnt require much thinking
so I can switch off.

Problem is, her idea of relaxing after a days work is to mow the lawn, go
for a cycle, paint the house, sow flowers .... basicially anything apart from
sitting down.

Yesterday was a bad work day for me and when I got home all I wanted to
to luy in a heap on the couch before playing a regular weekly game of football.

Came home, sat down and she says "I suppose your sitting there for the evening, will you not go out and do an do x,y,z to relax"

I said "No, had a bad day in work so just relaxing for a while before playig football" ... and the reply was "Your so lazy, every evening all you do is
come home p*ssed off about work and sit down in front of telly, if your annoyed about work go out and do something relaxing"

I said I was relaxing on the couch watching telly before playing football but
again her reply was "your just being lazy".

I went off to play football later in the evening and the usual hour game only lasted just over 40 mins as we were short on numbers and everyone was wrecked. Came home earlier than usual to be confronted be her giving out that I was too lazy to play for an hour and I should be going out and doing something to relax instead of lounging around the house!

Am I wrong for just wanting to relx by doing nothing or am I just a lazy sod?
To me relaxing is just chilling out but she says I should be relaxing by doing stuff!

Beruthiel

How2Relax? wrote:

Problem is, her idea of relaxing after a days work is to mow the lawn, go
for a cycle, paint the house, sow flowers .... basicially anything apart from
sitting down.

All are good ways to relax, as is sitting on the sofa for an evening.

Came home, sat down and she says "I suppose your sitting there for the evening, will you not go out and do an do x,y,z to relax"

I'm curious, have x,y, & z been waiting for a while to be done or is she just trying to find something for you to do for the sake of it?

Am I wrong for just wanting to relx by doing nothing or am I just a lazy sod?

It all depends, are you keeping up your end of the house keeping?
If you are, then what you do with your free time is your business and she should leave you to it.

TheDriver

Theres nothing wrong with doing things to relax, I hate sitting down doing nothing but then again, theres nothing wrong with sitting down doing nothing unless of course you are not doing your fair share and shes doing it all!!

Vegeta

If you're doing your fair share of the housework then point this out and tell her that you don't find the same things "relaxing" as she does.

Then inform here that you don't need the extra stress of her asking you to relax by doing physical labour when you come home

ntlbell

she sounds like your mother?

missmatty

She sounds like my flatmate!! Not happy unless she's running around doing something or pottering upstairs like a rat in the attic!

Different people like different ways of relaxing. Maybe she's not as stressed in work as you are. If you're pulling your weight around the house i don't see any problem with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I think I do my fair share of work around the house, maybe she has different
thoughts on that. I dont get home from work and start straight into cleaning
the house from top to bottom, but I dont slump around in squalor either.

Plus, on some occasions I do work she goes mental as its not done the way
she would like it to be done. I dont do things wrong or badly on purpose to
get out of doing it again or anything like that btw.

The 3 most head wrecking examples I can think of from the last few weeks
(sorry for the he said/she said):

#1
I mowed the lawn it the weekend before last and she was giving out that
it was cut too short. I left it for last weekend, to let it grow more, and had planned to raise the blades and cut it this weekend coming
(not as short as last time). Yesterdays arguement ...
She said: "why dont you mow the lawn if you want to relax"
Me : "I was letting it grow an extra week as it was too short after last cut
and I'll do it higher on Saturday"
She said: "Thats just an excuse, your so lazy!"

#2
A few weeks ago ...
She said:"We should do things together around the house, like paint the
bedroom"

Last week .. I say: "Will we get paint at the weekend and make a start on
the rooms on Saturday"

She said: "No, cant really be bothered, maybe in a couple of weeks"

Then yesterday she says: "You could relax by painting the bedroom"
I said: "I thought we'd pick out colours together and see what we both like"
Her reply :"Thats just an excuse, you dont need me to tell you what colour
to paint the walls, its just you being lazy again"

This really wrecked my head as she origonally wanted us to do it together
but then turned it back on me!

#3
I always clear the table right after eating because I hate leaving dirty dishes
and food out on the table etc. Yesterday (again!) I went to clear the table
(cooking was a jiont effort) after dinner and she says that I should leave it
and just relax. I did, and a half an hour later she shouts over "I suppose you
expect me to wash all the dishes as usual, your getting so lazy"

The "as usual" bit really annoyed my as I always do the washing up after
dinner and tea and now, even after she saying to leave it, I get an earful.
The only reason I didnt clear the table was to avoid an earful for not relaxing!

Based on those 3 examples I dont think I am being 1 bit lazy, but if I am
please let me know cos its wrecking my head how she can take all that
as me being lazy?

MrBaseball

How2Relax? wrote:

Going unreg for this one but basicially my partner and I have been arguing
over relaxing!

Im in a job I hate at the moment,totally wrecks my head and Im on agency
wesites every day looking for a new job. Getting a few calls back but nothing
definate or suitable yet. (Looking for work in paricular area so its taking
longer than normal job hunting)

After a day going through my work and also worrying about current and
possible future work (I tend to stress a lot, over stress even), when I get
home I tend to be tired and so relax by crashing down on the couch and watching tv for a while. Usually anything that doesnt require much thinking
so I can switch off.

Problem is, her idea of relaxing after a days work is to mow the lawn, go
for a cycle, paint the house, sow flowers .... basicially anything apart from
sitting down.

Yesterday was a bad work day for me and when I got home all I wanted to
to luy in a heap on the couch before playing a regular weekly game of football.

Came home, sat down and she says "I suppose your sitting there for the evening, will you not go out and do an do x,y,z to relax"

I said "No, had a bad day in work so just relaxing for a while before playig football" ... and the reply was "Your so lazy, every evening all you do is
come home p*ssed off about work and sit down in front of telly, if your annoyed about work go out and do something relaxing"

I said I was relaxing on the couch watching telly before playing football but
again her reply was "your just being lazy".

I went off to play football later in the evening and the usual hour game only lasted just over 40 mins as we were short on numbers and everyone was wrecked. Came home earlier than usual to be confronted be her giving out that I was too lazy to play for an hour and I should be going out and doing something to relax instead of lounging around the house!

Am I wrong for just wanting to relx by doing nothing or am I just a lazy sod?
To me relaxing is just chilling out but she says I should be relaxing by doing stuff!

She doesn't seem to respect you, for one reason or another. Explain to her that watching tv is how you like to relax after work, you don't like doing those other things to relax, if she doesn't like it or respect your choice ,she should get a boyfriend who loves gardening and the rest.

Seriously, that sort of nagging usually only comes when you have a history of letting her away with belittling you.

EDIT: Having read your second post, I seriously think you need to consider dumping her. Why do you feel like you should accept that kind of abuse after you've been working all day? Show some self respect and tell her you'll relax in the way you choose to and not how she tells you you should.

Talliesin

You know. Reading this, I get the feeling that she doesn't just feel you should have the same idea of how to relax than herself, but that she expects that right now you should have the same idea of how to relax that she has right now. Does that ring true?

Maybe she's more hung up on the idea that there's a right way to do things, than anything else. A lot of people do get into the attitude that their way is the only way on just about everything.

Sleepy

Dude, take the pants back.

Kinetic^

Sleepy wrote:

Dude, take the pants back.

Agreed and sorry to sound harsh but make sure she gives you your balls back as well. I'd dump her in a heart beat tbh. Is she doesn't like what you do......wtf is she doing with you? From what you've posted it's her that has the problem.

Hrududu

My idea of relaxing is sitting on the couch staring blankly at whatever sh1te is on telly. She sounds like a bit of a nightmare to be honest. Not because she has a different idea about relaxing. But because of the other stuff you posted. All that stuff where she said something one day and turned it back on you another would drive me insane.

fletch

Is there any jobs that you do find relaxing? I love washing my car and find it very relaxing. Perhaps you could do a job that you find relaxing and then she will be happy.

muppetkiller

Does she have nothing better to be doing other than standing around looking at you or waiting in the house till you come home ?
Tell her she needs to get some hobbies as staying in the house all the time is very bad for her health

LegacyUser

From what you have described it definitely sounds as if she sees you more as a child than an adult on an equal footing. Many people (of both genders) often adopt a nagging, condescending manner when dealing with their partners which is learned behaviour. Odds are your partner's mother/father acted in a similarly overbearing, nagging fashion.

There are ways to coax, encourage someone to do something without opting for the nag method.

I went through a similar experience with my partner a number of years ago. While employed in an admittedly boring, low paid job (a fact I was more than willing to admit to and recognise) my partner would spend every available moment pointing out job ads, employment related articles in the paper etc and telling me that I should apply for this or that job or write to this or that company.

My problem wasn't with the fact she was pointing out these things to me, it was the fact that she would talk to me like a mother would talk to her child, i.e. "mummy knows best" and "what you think doesn't matter" (not those exact words of course!) dismissing my reaction as me not wanting to do anything about things (even though she knew I was actively seeking alternative employment while remaining in the job).

This constant nagging was doing my head in and was causing serious friction in the relationship. One day I had to sit her down and explain that she had no right to plan out my life for me, that I already had one mother and didn't want another, that I was a grown, mature adult who was capable of knowing what was best for myself and that I would never talk to her in such a manner as I respected her as my equal. While initially shocked at my reaction she soon admitted I was right and the nagging stopped.

My advice, talk to your partner, tell her how her nagging is making her feel. Ask her how she would feel if you treated her like a child and disrespected her?



She knew that I was already unhappy in the job and was actively on the lookout for another less soul-destroying one. However, as I pointed out to her on numerous occasions, I did not want to simply jump from one soul destroying example of wage slavery to another and instead wanted to

ceidefields

My husband is like that and I just leave very well alone. I am perfectly happy doing my own thing while he relaxes on the couch. He chips in for his share of housework so it's not that he's lazy, he just enjoys vegetating, whereas I like to cycle and go for a walk or whatever.

Could you maybe explain to her that different people relax and unwind in different ways?

I would be wary of someone who's trying to get you to be like them!

Crumble Froo

i really really wonder what she would say if confronted with this thread. im not saying anything against you, OP, but surely if she's saying these things, she has a reason. everyone's perception of things is different, but given ye are a couple, and living together, id assume this is a serious enough relationship... when ye started goin out together, did she have this perception of you as lazy, which has just stuck in her mind? even though you may have changed, she still tends to think of you that way?

i think you definitely need to sit down and have a serious talk, though i can imagine it might be hard to bring up/she wouldnt take it seriously.

i think it's definitely something you need to resolve between the two of ye anyway. it's not something worth breaking up a good relationship over, but something like that can turn people sour etc, and stones rolling, moss gathering and all that jazz...

cowzerp

Tell her to stfu-she sounds like an old bag, you also sound a bit lazy but not to the degree that she is making out-are you gaining weight? maybe she thinks you need the exercise and is getting turned off her new found homer. sounds like change is needed somewhere along the line-i would not look forward to coming home to that every night and im never really stressed.

MisterMonkey

either she is really pissed at you about something else and is just using this as a way to get at you or.........she is absolutely insane, because this is not rational behaviour, not even close

TheDriver

I'd be out of there quicker than a hot snot, she sounds awfully controlling especially as she doesn't like the way you do things either, imagine what it will be like in years to come....

leeroybrown

Are you a lot more snappy or irritable than usual because of the work issue? If you are then maybe it's making her likewise and she's taking it out on you. Talk to her about it otherwise the relationship will be over sooner rather than later.

Personally, I have a fairly low threshold for people who irritate me like this and would end up dumping her post haste.

CathyMoran

She sounds terrible. You have a right to relax in whatever way you deem fit. I like to take things easy when I want to relax whereas my husband is more active but we manage to compromise, your girlfriend and you should do the same.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all replies, good points in all of them.

I noticed a few weeks ago that my work situation was making me a little
ratty so I stopped talking and going on about it at home.

Funny someone should mention weight gain as she has gained a little bit,
I'm trying to loose a few lbs but I'm not overweight or gaining any or
anything.

Regarding her talking to me like a child, that's definately true. I mostly put
that down to her being a teacher ... but after last night I think either she is
trying to get me to break up with her, or else she's just a moany old cow!

I got home earlier than usual yesterday and decided to give the lawns the
once over before she got home. Finished that and sorted out a wash she
had put on earlier. Just sat down when she came home and she started
straight away ... "So thats you lumped on the couch doing nothing for the
evening I suppose..."

So I pointed out to the lawns and her reply was "Oh, you left some grass
on the doorstep, could you not have finished the job properly" ... followed
by "so what are you going to do now at the weekend, I thought that was
supposed to keep you busy. You'll be complaining to me about having
nothing to do on Saturday"

So I explained that I wouldnt be complaining to her about being bored because I wouldn't be around the house at the weekend. I reminded her
that she had asked me to do stuff for her parents at the weekend and I had
to help my brother out with something on Sunday, so I done the lawns now
in case I didnt get a chance over the weekend.

That kinda shut her up for a minute and she started about what was I doing for the rest of the evening. So I reminded her that I was going out to watch
the match (we dont have Sky and she knew about my plans to watch it in the pub since the weekend and had turned down an invitation to join me).

So I went off to the pub and got home around 9.30pm, stone cold sober because I had the car. She was sprawled on the couch and just said
"Nice of you to come home, the match was over by 9pm and I've been here
by myself all evening"

Now after that I dunno if ..
1. She just resents the fact that I relax in very different ways and at
different times than her
2. Theres a bigger problem that she's covering up by complaining
3. With her being off for the Summer months she resents the fact that
I'm in work during the day while she's at home and when I get home I want
to chill out for a while instead of catching up to match whatever housework
she was doing.
4. Aliens have abducted her and replaced her with a dodgy clone

Beruthiel

How2Relax
Was you g/f always like this or has something changed recently?

If she's always been like this I really don't understand why you're still with her.
If it's something new, then sit down and discuss it with her because sometimes we pick on the little things when in fact, something much bigger is behind it. You've got to find out what that is and only she can tell you.

LegacyUser

Not, not always. I just noticed the complaining about me being lazy/bored/relaxing over the past month or so!

I've tried talking to her a good few times to see if there was anything
else major causing problems but she always says that nothings wrong?

Beruthiel

I don't believe that, ask her again when she calm and approachable.

Tazzle

Just to create some context, how do you guys hang out? when do you hang out? what is it about her that you like? Fair enough venting and whatever, but this all seems a bit one sided. Can't really grasp the whole story...

vorbis

dude, something is seriously wrong with her. As Bertuthiel said, you need to find out what it is. You shouldn't let anyone (never mind your partner!) treat you like this. Its time for a big chat. Don't take I'm fine for an answer.

j0e

tbh doesnt sound like she particulary likes you or spending time with you if its a constant state of irriation when your together, why bother? I dont like the whole thing off constantly checking up and giving you jobs to do

youcancallmeal

From what you've said she seems like a bit of a passive aggressive to me? This is something you'll definitely need to sort out or else it could ruin your relationship!

milkerman

I have experienced this type of unreasonable behaviour from my wife on two occasions- they both coincided with the first 6 weeks of pregnancy.
I am not suggesting this is the reason in your case- but there is a reason. Talk to the woman and tell her that she has no right to call you lazy or nag you in this way. Perhaps point out that this could force you apart if not addressed. You will need to impress on her the importance of the issue for you.
& get a pregnancy tester kit.

dudara

Is this the first summer that you've lived together? Being a teacher and being on her own for the summer months could be finally getting to her.

Either way, a big conversation is required, because if her behaviour is as you describe it, then it needs to be sorted out.

LegacyUser

'Thanks again for the replies.

Yes, this is the first summer we've lived together so I had been putting
it down to that putting a strain on things while we got used to it.

The pregnancy thing did actually cross my mind due to the mood swings
and weight gain but we're very careful (I know the only 100% careful way is abstinence, but we both use protection)

I tried talking to her to get to the root of the problem and we both realised
that in some instances we've been taking each other for granted.
(Fair enough, its a start I thought) More silence, so I made things as simple
as I could. I told her the only way we could sort things out and stop rowing
was to either
a) Decide our relationship is worth keeping and work at our problems,
1 by 1, small steps, and get through things.
b) Cut our losses and end things.

I told her that I knew we were having problems lately but we've been
together just over 3 years and I thought there was enough between us to
try and make a go of it.

I asked for her opinion ... the answer wasnt quite what I expected ...
"can you turn up the tv, the News is on and I want to watch it"

So I reckon its Goodnight Vienna.
Thank for all the replies, I did not think that I was bein unreasonable about
anything but needed to get it off my chest and get an outsiders opinion.'

someothername

heres a few ideas mate

get her to write a list of all the things she would like you to do for the house in the week.... say from sunday to sunday - she comes up with anything new it has to wait till the next weeks list.
you have a week to do them and she has agreed to this so if u wanna sit and relax then u can as u have till sunday to get the "list" done.

also try talking to her about it all away from the house - go for a drive a walk something out of the atmosphere and talk properly about it.
explain you need ur couch time and that she has to respect that... best o luck anyways

milkerman

Wow!,
Your partners desire to listen to the TV while you try to sort things out is very disturbing.
On the balance, I think it is Goodnight Vienna. Your partner might learn to value you if you did break up.
Best of Luck!

Esel

What shape is her father in? Would you like to end up like him?