Family - Or the lack thereof

LegacyUser

Hey People,

I’m 25 and in the past 5 years I have progressively grown to hate my parents - not because of some juvenile issue, I hate everything they stand for (money, power and notoriority)
In my teens I had a pretty rough time going very hard on myself because of the usual 'nobody understood me' thing etc and that was difficult times, I hated them then, but it was a different sort of hate - that’s why I know this is more real.

Their opinion is that you are either 'on the team' and support their every decision (Wright or wrong) or you’re an outcast and to be honest I disagree with their motives on 90% of things. I can remember a time when family, health and well-being were very important to them but now 'its all about the money' as the song says.

My sister moved back from the USA to live here and be close to family - she is returning to the states because she cant deal with their 'Relatively Bigish fish in a very small pond attitude' - the most annoying part of it all is that the whole 'image' is built on a LIE and is FAKE because the reality is FAR from rosy (but that’s another story) Its probably a sign of the times we live in (thanks FF) its a lot to do with something we call the 'Bob the builder' syndrome.

Now I realise that I can’t change them and that they are their own people, but I feel trapped, I want to walk away but I cant turn my back on them...

I’m into family and want to be close to my siblings (I really admire my boyfriends family, they have very little more than the clothes on their backs but they have a great work ethic and really positive attitude about everything - most of all they stick by each other through thick and thin!

Iv tried to make my feelings known and to help them to see the error of their ways but i’m told 'i’m going back to the difficult teenager of old' (Iv left that behind a long time ago and consider myself fairly well rounded now) They find it impossible to see that they might be at fault over anything anymore and always attack your Achilles heel if you try to point out their failings to them.

I don’t live with them and haven’t done so for the past 3 years but I do work for them - I REALLY want to leave but I feel tied in because they need me (Even though they don’t realise it) i’m torn between walking off the set and letting they bring about their own demise or sticking it out through the rough part and then leaving - but I don’t think my sanity can stick that...

I don’t know what i'm asking for here but I need to get this out as I feel like i’m going loose it soon... i’m turning into a wreck

Beruthiel

Rock&hardplace wrote:

I don’t live with them and haven’t done so for the past 3 years but I do work for them - I REALLY want to leave but I feel tied in because they need me (Even though they don’t realise it) i’m torn between walking off the set and letting they bring about their own demise or sticking it out through the rough part and then leaving - but I don’t think my sanity can stick that.

It's quite simple when you break it down.
You get one life to live, you cannot stay in a job you hate just because they need you. They will not die over this and will find a way to sort their own business out, be it continue or sell up.
Either way, this is not something you should feel responsible for, no parent should expect their child to continue a family business unless they wish to do so.
Find yourself another job, they'll get over it.
This will cut down the amount of contact you have with them and your strong feelings towards them might soften as time goes by.

Marksie

It is very much a truism that you are responsible for your own happiness and unhappiness ultimately.

The same is true of your parents. You are not responsible for them they are adults and can make their own mistakes.
If that involves sacrifice family/ principles/ personal development/ ethics. Then it is up to them to realise how empty it is ultimately.

The business was there before you joined and will be there when you leave. similarly their life will follow its own course regardless of what you do.

Whjat is obvious is that if you do stay there your hatred will deepen further until it becomes a deep loathing. Time to step away and sort out what you need to do for your own development. Removing yourself from the situation will give you time to reflect and think about your next steps.

LegacyUser

I have more or less decided to do this, i am looking into Moving away and have started the search for a new job... I would rather not have to leave on a bad note but there will be no way of avoiding this - i know they will demand that i stay and train someone to do what i do, but to be honest i dont feel that i owe this to them and that i have been used and taken for granted enough (afterall, if my roll is so worthless and unrecognisable as they seem to think it should be very easy to replace me)

My Brother is also in the company and he is hearlded as a golden boy, at the end of the day its his pie and to be honest i dont want any of it, but i know hes a little suspicious of my motives of being here. Hes welcome to it because i know its a poisioned chalace.

There was recently a new hire, a female, and im suspicious that my father has designs on her (we have had solid reason to doubt his fidelity before). I have spoken to my brother on this but hes got his head in the sand and like his parents, doesn't want to deal with anything. This has made working here almost unberable because im picking up on signals between them that i would rather not.

My mother is a gombean dancing to his tune, she used to be a lovely woman but has become bitter and hurtful over the years, very hurtful towards me in particular, she blamed me for a change in her relationship with my sister that returned from states - asked me if i was 'carrying sores' and had tried to sabotage their friendship... The reality was far from that, i was infact telling my sister not to give up on her that she was going through a difficult time.

My father has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar depression, i feel that this contributes greatly to the problems that are here, but everyone wants to ignore the issues and keep their heads in the sand 'incase the neighbours would think everything was anything but perfect'.

Anyway, i guess i cant up and leave without being branded the 'black sheep' of the family once AGAIN so i just have to deal with it and move on. I know that i have tried my best so i shouldn't feel bad, but at the end of the day i cant help but feel like im turning my back on the problem... Even though help is not wanted or appreceiated, people would prefer to 'not talk' and pretend that its ME that has the problem. Maybe if i do infact 'go away' from the situation we will all be a lot happier...

Hippo

You say you've tried to explain your feelings to them but they've effectively dismissed what you say. All you can do is articulate your feelings about them as clearly as you can. If they choose not to listen or whatever then you at least know where you stand; you can walk away or stay as you choose. By leaving or breaking off contact with them you will remove the irritation of being in close contact, but you will still feel plenty of anger (at least for a period), no matter where you go.

Do what feels right for YOU.

Marksie

Rock&hardplace wrote:

Anyway, i guess i cant up and leave without being branded the 'black sheep' of the family once AGAIN so i just have to deal with it and move on. I know that i have tried my best so i shouldn't feel bad, but at the end of the day i cant help but feel like im turning my back on the problem... Even though help is not wanted or appreceiated, people would prefer to 'not talk' and pretend that its ME that has the problem. Maybe if i do infact 'go away' from the situation we will all be a lot happier...

Sometimes they have to lose something to realise its value and no-one wants to look at themselves and realise it is them and their attutudes

You have to cut your own cloth in life OP and labelling as the black sheep doen't cut it. Family or no family, total removal from the situation is required at least for a while.

Mullah

There is more than a touch of the drama queen about this to me.

It is very, very simple.

If you don't want to work for them then don't.

>I want to walk away but I cant turn my back on them...<
>at the end of the day i cant help but feel like im turning my back on the problem... <

Why? You hate them don't you?

>My Brother is also in the company and he is hearlded as a golden boy, at the end of the day its his pie and to be honest i dont want any of it, but i know hes a little suspicious of my motives of being here. Hes welcome to it because i know its a poisioned chalace.<

If you don't want a part of "a poisoned chalice" then why whip out the envy stick?

>My father has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar depression, i feel that this contributes greatly to the problems that are here<

Sorry? This just gets thrown in with no explanation. I thought you hated their wealth, power & notoriety? How does bipolar contribute to this?

>'incase the neighbours would think everything was anything but perfect'.<

Your quotation marks and supposition, I'd suspect.

>Anyway, i guess i cant up and leave without being branded the 'black sheep' of the family once AGAIN so i just have to deal with it and move on. I know that i have tried my best so i shouldn't feel bad, but at the end of the day i cant help but feel like im turning my back on the problem... Even though help is not wanted or appreceiated, people would prefer to 'not talk' and pretend that its ME that has the problem. Maybe if i do infact 'go away' from the situation we will all be a lot happier...<

Honestly, it seems to me that you relish the role of martyr. I know people like this: not happy unless they are miserable, content to define themseleves in terms of an opposite instead of standing for or being something themselves.

The simplistic view of wealth (the rich are bad, the poor are honest and happy, obligatory pop at the celtic tiger) smacks of willful naivity to me as well.

If you hate them and what they stand for, why the agonizing over the decision?

Sleepy

OP, I'm pretty much the black sheep in my family and tbh I enjoy the role. It's nice being the one they expect little of because every success I have is another way of proving them wrong (funny bit is, I'm professionally the most successful in my family - parents included)

rubyred

I'm the black sheep in my family. Had plenty of rows over the years. I moved out 7 years ago (I'm 25 now) and for a while had very little contact with them. I don't agree with their views and choices in life and they don't agree with mine, but when you are not living/working with each other that doesn't matter so much. I go home once a month for a weekend, we talk about stuff that doesn't matter and avoid the subjects that we don't agree on. I don't get on with them great but neither do I hate them anymore. Put some physical and emotional distance between you and them, and you'll (in time) learn to accept each other as you are.