Opinions

The_Conductor

The below is reposted on behalf of a regular Boards poster.

Kind regards,

Shane

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im writing this as the girlfriend of someone who was adopted shortly after birth, who is trying to understand some of what's going on in his mind. largely, im just curious to see how "normal" his attitude is.

like i said, he was adopted shortly after birth, his mother was living in women's shelter at the time. he was adopted by a couple who, while he was growing up, were not exactly model parents. fighting, coldness, blahblah, enough to mess up his head basically. by the time he was 13/14, he was into his drink, fúcking up school etc.

at 16, he discovers him and his lil bro and sis are all adopted (separately, obviously). basically, since then, he has felt completely rootless. at 16 he moved out (ranaway?), and got into a really really messed up lifestyle... dont wana go into too many details, but it was very not good.

now, a mature adult, with a kid of his own, he's quite different to teenage him, but still with a lot of anger. he's found his birthmam, i dont know exactly how that went, but i know they have a decent relationship now. he has mentioned though that he intends to find his dad one day (birthmam has given him his surname and country of descent, but thats all he has), and "make that bástard pay too".. there was what i can only describe as a casual coldness to his voice wehn he said that... twas in a lighthearted manner, almost jovial, but i knew that he was in no way joking. it disturbed me a little. a lot to be honest.

has anyone who has been adopted felt the same way? i understand there must be a tangle of emotions associated with suddenly discovering youre not quite who you thought you are (i understand that that sentence is open to interpretation, please dont start arguing that point, it's not what im here to ask about), and feeling 'rootless', and that his father left his birthmam,and she in turn left him, but is that much cold anger, that want for revenge, whatever sentiments that are behind that statement, how 'normal' so to speak are they?

i dont know if that seems like a stupid question to ye or not, but it's just one of those little nagging things at the back of my mind. thanks for any opinions.

holly_johnson

Hi, and thanks for your post. It's not easy to put those kind of emotions out there...

I can understand that he feels a bit "cold" and "detached" from it all. It's probably his way of coping with all this emotional turmoil that he's had to bear since he was young. Sometimes people feel it is easier to switch off and pretend it's "not that big a deal".

I have seen similar behaviour in my own brother who, like me, is adopted. He has never wanted to know anything and the mere mention of the word makes him fly off the handle. When I traced my own bith mum (we have different parents) he freaked out and made me swear I would never tell anyone.

I think it is just a coping mechanism as I feel men seem to take the supposed rejection by their birth mums much harder than women - my opinion, I'm sure others will differ!

I think all you can do is be there for him, and support him if he wants to trace his birth dad. He may not agree with what his birth mum has said about him, and maybe you can try and plant the seed in his head that he should make up his own mind about him when/if they meet.

Other than that, talking is a great tool for healing, and maybe if you encouraged him to talk to you or someone else (social worker etc) he might find it helps a lot when reconciling with the childhood he had and the birth mum he has met.

I wish you luck!