Listening to Our song

lilmissprincess

I’m listening Alex. I’m listening to the rain falling down on my window and I’m listening to the echo of the trees hitting off my window when the wind gets too much, and the lyrics of “our song” are echoing with them. It’s playing on the CD player. We chose a not so commercial song, one by RARE, “Lost your mind”. I can hear Kristian’s voice shouting out the words to which we shouted along to when we went to see them in Concert last November. You put your arms around my waist and whispered the words of the chorus as the crowd sang along and I can still hear your voice Alex! I can still hear it, your words, not Kristian’s. Their first slowish song, with an amazing climax.
I remember crying to this song when I was writing you my first letter Alex. All those months ago. Writing every word made me feel like the worst person in the world but Al, I had to do it. You have to see that from my perspective, you were going down, and you were going to bring me with you if you had to, and maybe you would have been right to, but I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to make those choices. I’m still not. I don’t want to play God, I don’t want to be the master of my own destiny. That’s too much decision making, its too much playing to chance and I hate that. I wrote you that long letter and it was tearstained and pained and I hated it, but it was a necessary first letter to write. These letters aren’t much easier Alex, because I love you and I know what I know now and it HURTS. It hurts to know. It hurts to know that I could have made a difference.
It hurts to be sorry.
It hurts to know I should have listened. I should have been there for you when you were on your knees.
I wasn’t.
As the song goes baby, “Its been long time coming, regrets aint worth your pain, I may have lost my mind but I found you…”
I’m sorry for losing what I found…

Holden Blake

First of all, remember: PARAGRAPHS ARE YOU FRIENDS! It really does make your work so much more appetising to read:)

lilmissprincess wrote:

I’m listening Alex. I’m listening to the rain falling down on my window and I’m listening to the echo of the trees hitting off my window when the wind gets too much, and the lyrics of “our song” are echoing with them. Ok I get that you are going for the whole stream-of-conscious thing here but you really should consider shortening this sentence It’s playing on the CD player. We chose a not so commercial song, one by RARE, “Lost your mind”. I can hear Kristian’s voice shouting out the words to which we onceshouted along to when we went to see sawthem in Concert last November. You put your arms around my waist and whispered the words of the chorus as the crowd sang along and I can still hear your voice Alex! I can still hear it, your words, not Kristian’s.
I like the whole nostalgic build up here

Their first slowish song, with an amazing climax.
I remember crying to this song when I was writing you my first letter Alex. All those months ago. Writing every word made me feel like the worst person in the world but Al, I had to do it.

You have to see that from my perspective, you were going down, and you were going to bring me with you if you had toif needed be, Shorten this sentence, break it up into two if you have toand maybe you would have been right to, but I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to make those choices. I’m still not. I don’t want to play God, I don’t want to be the master of my own destiny. That’s too much decision making, its too much playing to chance and I hate that. I wrote you that long letter and it was tearstained and pained and I hated it, but it was a necessary first letter to write. These letters aren’t much easier Alex, because I love you and I know what I know now and it HURTS. It hurts to know. It hurts to know that I could have made a difference.
It hurts to be sorry.
It hurts to know I should have listened. I should have been there for you when you were on your knees.
I wasn’t.
As the song goes baby, “Its been long time coming, regrets aint worth your pain, I may have lost my mind but I found you…”
I’m sorry for losing what I found…

You have the makings of a very good piece here and it has left me asking all sorts of questions about the relationship between the narrator and this Alex character. However you really need to think about formatting and making your work more presentable to the eye. Not much happens here apart form a long running internal monologue. Perhaps adding in a few actions to help spice it up a bit would help. Good Luck:)

lilmissprincess

Thanks for that. The original piece is part of a series of these kind of monologues/letters towards Alex, the other two Alex pieces are also in there.
Yeah, really should work on sentence structure and paragraphs, my english teacher will have a heart attack next week when he sees how bad i've gotten =(