Need Advice

LegacyUser

My wife and I have been have relationship problems over the past year or so.
Recently we have been trying to patch things up and Id say our communication is
quite good. I thought things were going okay. But yesterday she has asked for space and wants me to move out for awhile.
Ive suggested going to a counselor awhile back and she always said its no good. But now she has said she might give it a go.
So Im looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Does moving
out help things or make things worse ?
Would going to counselors help ?

Im really looking for advice here as Im not sure what to do next.

IRISH RAIL

I would say be careful if you look bat at my problems there not a million miles from yours
I did both the space thing and the counsellor thing heres what i can tell you
If you do move out you could be making things worse theres bitterness that you had to go
also paranoia sets in what is she up to etc and she could be the same you could meet someone when your not there and that could put a spin on things from both sides
you could go to a counsellor she wasnt too keen on the idea but if you do break up at least you tried everything to help sort things out be proud of that
if yu want my opinion move into another room if available this would keep you under the same roof so no one has to move out (you would be paying two rents aswell thats not fair ) you both know where the other person is, you can talk without having to arrange anything , go to a counsellor theres a really good group in fitzwilliam road called mrcs there number is 6785256 ( sorry if i shouldnt post that ) ive been to them and it helped a lot I had one of the best days of my life with my life with my partner yesterday
we talked and the big thingis that theres no pressure for anything theres no quick solution to these things
best of luck from someone who knows what its like

mcauley

Unsure22 wrote:

... But yesterday she has asked for space and wants me to move out for awhile....

TBH If she has suggested space, I think it should be her who moves out, It is her decison after all.....

Why should you be asked to leave?

Just my view on things.

dent

Unsure22 wrote:

But yesterday she has asked for space and wants me to move out for awhile.

Speak to a solicitor before you do this. You might be effecting some of your rights if things don't work out.

Talliesin

Unsure22 wrote:

Does moving
out help things or make things worse ?

Could do either.

What exactly is she planning to get out of the period of separation?

I think a lot of the time these "breaks" happen because people know they need to do something but have little idea what that something is, so they take a some strong action and hope it shakes things up in a productive way. Sometimes it does, and that's good; sometimes it helps you realise that you should have ended the relationship a long time back, and that's good but painful; and sometimes it just leads to more resentment, paranoia, mistrust and pain.

Unsure22 wrote:

Would going to counselors help ?

Maybe not, but it's likely to do some good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I really have no one to talk to about this so its really helped hearing from you.

I think she has asked for space and my feeling is she wants to see whats its like without me around. I think she wants to see if she will miss me and if she still loves me or not.

So from my side I feel I need to let her do that because at the end of the day if its over its over :-(

I have somewhere to stay short term but in long term Im not sure what Im going to do. I have booked in for a counselors session but Im not sure if she is going to be responsive to that. All this came like a bolt out of the blue to me last night but I think she has been wanting this for some time (6mnths).

I think I'll just have to see what happens

sure22

I was in a very similar situation to you a couple of years back and went to Accord on Harcourt Street, http://www.accord.ie. It is a "catholic marriage care service" but there was no religion involved whatsoever. I really can't speak highly enough of the counsellor who helped us, sound guy, non-judgemental with plenty of good advice. The cost is up to you as you are asked to make an anonymous contribution each time you visit. Ultimately only you and your partner will sort this out but counselling can guide you down a route you'd never find on your own.

I would definitely advise against moving out, use the spare room if needs be. And finally, chin up, some things are worth fighting for and in my experience love is definitely one of them ...

CathyMoran

We stayed together under one roof but he wanted me out all the time. The councelling did not actually work for us but then fate stepped in and we resolved our problems. I would not move out if I were you, by all means use the spare room but do not leave, you need to have time together to work things out. I would agree about going to Accord, they were brilliant, and as the last poster said somethings are worth fighting for.

LegacyUser

sure22 wrote:

I was in a very similar situation to you a couple of years back and went to Accord on Harcourt Street, http://www.accord.ie. It is a "catholic marriage care service" but there was no religion involved whatsoever. I really can't speak highly enough of the counsellor who helped us, sound guy, non-judgemental with plenty of good advice. The cost is up to you as you are asked to make an anonymous contribution each time you visit. Ultimately only you and your partner will sort this out but counselling can guide you down a route you'd never find on your own.

I would definitely advise against moving out, use the spare room if needs be. And finally, chin up, some things are worth fighting for and in my experience love is definitely one of them ...

Hi,

Thanks. But Im afraid that if I don't move out she might have resentment that Im not giving her space ? Can it still work if I just use the spare room ? I have booked in with Accord but Im not sure what to expect. Why do you advise not to move out ?

Beruthiel

Unsure22 wrote:

Hi,

Thanks. But Im afraid that if I don't move out she might have resentment that Im not giving her space ? Can it still work if I just use the spare room ?

Who can tell? But it's the best way to go while making the decision. It's what I did.

Why do you advise not to move out ?

Because we are presuming that ye own the house? You moving out under those circumstances could cause a lot of trouble for you later down the line if she decides to finish with you. Her having the keys and ownership of the property and you no longer there.

sure22

Why do you advise not to move out?
As a couple of people have stated above, from a legal standpoint you are better off not moving out if you own the house. Any solicitor will tell you the same. We were living apart when we went to Accord and the first thing they advised was to move back under the same roof. We did separate rooms until things improved. If she wants space then let her have it, go out to the cinema, go out with mates, work late, go away for the weekend or whatever but seriously, don't move out.

What to expect from Accord?
That is going to be subjective, I'm sure every couple is different. I found it easier to talk there than when it was just the two of us. Having a "mediator" means you are allowed to talk uninterrupted and you are forced to listen without interrupting. I found you could air and listen to grievances without descending into an all out row.

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for all the replies its really helped me to clear my mind. I think I wont move out and take things from there. I think it just took me by surprise and I wasn't sure what to do.

Victor

I think go through the first few meeting with the counsellor (I think it tends to be both together, each separately and then both together again) before you make any decisions this big.