Girlfriend had abortion in past relationship

LegacyUser

Last night I learnt that my girlfriend had an abortion 2 years ago while in a relationship with her last boyfriend. She would have been about 21/22 at the time.

I dunno if it should really bother me but it kind of did. Could just be the initial shock, but I found it a little hard to stomach for some reason. Nothing to do with the fact it was an abortion (I've no problem with abortion itself), it just throws up a load of questions, like who she's been with in the past, why she was so careless, how safe has her past sex life been etc. Also we've talked about babies and abortions before just in conversation, and she never mentioned this before.

Is this really a cuase for concern or is it really none of my business?

Thanks.

Beruthiel

Sh!t happens. It's in the past, and I don't see what it's got to do with you at this stage.
Why exactly would you consider it a cause for concern?
Personally speaking and imo, I would see it as none of your business.
As for the safety issue, if you're concerned, why don't you both go get tested for STI's?

Publin

Depends on your outlook and feelings about abortion I think.

In my opinion, I feel abortion is completely wrong (I'm not looking to start a debate on this by the way) and if I found out that a girl I was seeing had had an abortion in a previous relationship, then I'd have a few very important questions to ask such as did the father get a say, what if she got pregnant with you and you wanted to keep the child etc. I'm not saying end the relationship or anything of the sort, but these would be questions that I, personally speaking, would need answered and would need to talk through. Also questions about safe sex and possible testing as Beruthiel said would also be an issue worth discussing.

Some people may disagree and say this is none of your business or the like, but for me this would be a fairly major issue and I would certainly consider it my business. Then again, as I said it depends on your attitude towards abortion to a huge extent. Obviously the fact that you're even raising the question here means you are concerned about the issue at hand and the only advice worth listening to, is that your should talk to your partner.

enda1

Beruthiel wrote:

Sh!t happens. It's in the past, and I don't see what it's got to do with you at this stage.
Why exactly would you consider it a cause for concern?
Personally speaking and imo, I would see it as none of your business.
As for the safety issue, if you're concerned, why don't you both go get tested for STI's?

What do you mean its none of his business?? What's the point of a relationship if you have to treat the person like a stranger in a ridiculus PC fashion and censor everything you say. Sure by that logic nothing she ever did previous to meeting him is any of his business. If someone lives with so many secrets, they will find it hard to ever have a meaningful and trusting relationship.

As regards the OP, I'm sure it was just a very difficult and emotional subject for her. Perhaps she feels guilt/remorse or feel that you would have reacted badly which was why she never brought it up. People make mistakes, and what she is like now and since you met her should really be what you judge her on.

Good luck with that!

spurious

Everyone has things in their past.
Each year, lots and LOTS of Irish women find themselves in a situation where they consider having (and have) an abortion. I doubt it's something any of them bring up in conversation regularly. The fact that she has mentioned it to you now would lead me to think she is quite serious about you and wants you to know her 'warts and all'.

You could ask yourself the same questions about people you've been with - like Beruthiel says, you can have an STI test to put your mind at ease.

Poppy84

Look at things from her point of view she obviously for one reason or another couldnt have the baby its not fair for you to judge her for it. Be happy that she felt that she can confide this information to you.

AnonoBoy

Obviously the OP is entitled to his own opinion about it but I think people mean it's none of his business in that it wasn't something she did that directly relates to him.

As for safe sex etc. - well I know people who have been in monogamous relationships, using two methods of contraception and still managed to get pregnant. I'm afraid those little fellahs are determined sometimes - and it's not neccessarily a reflection on the people involved.

Look at it this way - it's a very sensitive issue and she must trust you to confide something like this in you. Many women would never want it known - I know friends of mine who have had abortions who would not confide it to a boyfriend until there had known them for years.

Wibbs

Publin wrote:

if I found out that a girl I was seeing had had an abortion in a previous relationship, then I'd have a few very important questions to ask such as did the father get a say, what if she got pregnant with you and you wanted to keep the child etc. I'm not saying end the relationship or anything of the sort, but these would be questions that I, personally speaking, would need answered and would need to talk through.

Very good points and the very reason it would be his business and why I have to agree with enda1's take.

What do you mean its none of his business?? What's the point of a relationship if you have to treat the person like a stranger in a ridiculus PC fashion and censor everything you say. Sure by that logic nothing she ever did previous to meeting him is any of his business. If someone lives with so many secrets, they will find it hard to ever have a meaningful and trusting relationship.

They're a couple and while they have a shared present and possibly future their unshared past impacts that in different ways. If I had a traumatic incident in my past that may impact how I would approach a similar situation in a present relationship it would be responsible for me to discuss this with a current or future partner.

Beruthiel

enda1 wrote:

What do you mean its none of his business??

Beruthiel wrote:

Personally speaking and imo, I would see it as none of your business

And if that's not clear enough, I mean, if it were me, that is how I would see it.

Cake Fiend

5893274 wrote:

Is this really a cuase for concern

I wouldn't say so.

5893274 wrote:

or is it really none of my business?

I wouldn't say that exactly (depending on how deep the relationship is), but I certainly don't think you have a right to give her a hard time about it.

ScouseMouse

I think you should be thankful she told you. Telling you about this is a sign of her honesty with you and you should take it as a sign of her loyalty to you. I imagine she had serious concerns about this which must be a major thing/mistake in her life. But she did and thats good.

Just ask yourself, do you like her to keep secrets from you?

You cannot say she was reckless, mistakes happen, condoms break, and she got caught. Forget about it completely, it is nothing for you to be concerned about and should be left in the past.

Marksie

5893274 wrote:

Nothing to do with the fact it was an abortion (I've no problem with abortion itself).

Are you sure on that?

5893274 wrote:

It just throws up a load of questions, like who she's been with in the past

Would you have worried about the above if she hadnt said she had had an abortion? Surely its an independent issue that should have been explored separately.
She could ask the sqame questions of you on that particular issue. I thiink she has told you something intensly personal and probably the biggest secret she has. She has done this for a reason. Be careful if you are going to broach these questions as you may give entirely the wrong impression of what you think of her.

5893274 wrote:

why she was so careless

Immaculate conception was it? It wasn't just her responsibility there were two of them involved. Again be careful accusing her of being careless If you simply muts know, dont force her to tell and let her talk about it in her own time.

5893274 wrote:

how safe has her past sex life been etc.

Same can be said of you again its an independent issue really. Unless of course because she chose this course of action it somehow reduces her in your eyes.

5893274 wrote:

Also we've talked about babies and abortions before just in conversation, and she never mentioned this before.

Maybe she didn't think the time was right to let you see the other side of her, the side hidden from everyone but the clkosest and most trusted.

5893274 wrote:

Is this really a cuase for concern or is it really none of my business?.

You can broach the subject, it is between the two of you. but do be careful how you say things.
She may be trusting you enough and care enough.. and may believe that yu are worthy of that.
If you approach all of the above questions, you may very well give her the impression that because of what she has told you, you consider her to be of free and easy virtue.

angelsfire

Well to be honest you can get a STD from anybody, doesn't have anything to do with getting pregnant. I'm sure alot of people have had unprotected sex out there that you have no idea about!! I think if she told you what happened in her past then she must trust you very much.

I don't feel like you deserved to know just becasue you are dating right now, now if your relationship gets serious enough that wedding bells are the next step, then I think she should tell you...until it is nobodys business. It is the past and am sure she is sad and depressed over the situation and that is a hard thing to get past. She shouldn't have to dredge it all up everytime she gets a new boyfriend!!

comongethappy

The way you are feeling is normal. She could have been taking precautions but perhaps was sick so the pill wasn't effective, or used antibotics which weaken it. I know people who have had abortions, and even if it was the right thing to do, they still feel guilt/sad/angry about it, so be careful what you say to her. I suppose, if you feel close to her, ask her about how she became to be pregnant (what she was on or did her bf use condoms?). Ask her what she's using now and how she feels on the abortion looking back. If she mentioned it to you I think that you have the right to ask a few questions, but breech the subject gently, and don't give out to her for any reason (eg, if she was just careless).

aidan24326

Why do you 'find it a little hard to stomach'? What exactly is your problem? She got pregnant, she dealt with it responsibly. If you're concerned about her sexual history or STI's that's an entirely separate issue and irrelevant to the abortion.

It's a sign that she now has alot of trust in you and like others have said it probably means she wants you to know her fully, skeletons in the closet included. Be thankful for that. I imagine some girls have abortions and never tell anyone. It's a very private thing. If you're curious about the background to how it happened, ask her gently but don't push it and do not judge. After that just forget about it, it's history now.

K-9

5893274 wrote:

Last night I learnt that my girlfriend had an abortion 2 years ago while in a relationship with her last boyfriend.

5893274 wrote:

it just throws up a load of questions, like who she's been with in the past, why she was so careless, how safe has her past sex life been etc.
Is this really a cuase for concern or is it really none of my business?

Well she was in a relationship when it happened. Why would it matter who she was with in the past? She wasn't necessarily careless or not being safe!

Though of course she may have been, its a delicate subject to address, but I can't see why the fact she had an abortion, would bring up these fears.

Been there, condoms and the pill and even the morning after pill, if used twice in one month are not guarenteed.

Really as you say yourself, you really aren't against abortion, why is it an issue? Do you understand why girls have abortions or not?

Look personally I would hate to think that a partner of mine had an abortion (IMO). That's coming from being a father of a 9 year old boy to a then 19 year old pregnant girl. Couldn't understand why the ex then said a few years later, when we where still together, that if it happened again she would have an abortion.

I understand why most girls have abortions completely, and don't condemn them for it. Past sexual history would not be an issue with me, more, if I was in the same circumstances would I agree with the decision? In my case, it wasn't an issue before, why now?

Everybody, father and mother, is entitled to their opinion on it.

You agree that you don't have an issue on abortion but then focus on her past sexual activity? If it bothers you that much you are going to have to, sensitively, try and find out the individual circumstances. But really, I can't see why you have these issues from just your gf having an abortion.

Lemming

OP, this girl has confided in you something immensely personal, and it probably took her a great deal of courage to work herself up to tell you about it as someone else has pointed out that it isn't exactly dinner-table conversation material. In my opinion, that she told you something like that is a sign that she trusts you and is serious enough about you.

And what have you rewarded her trust with? By running around doing the panic-stations "OMFG, what if ..." routine with some highly unflattering and suggestive questions regarding her sexual conduct among other things.

Personally, I think she made a poor choice in confiding something of this nature in you since you're obviously not equipped to either handle it or show her any consideration at all.

axer

Beruthiel wrote:

Sh!t happens. It's in the past, and I don't see what it's got to do with you at this stage.
Why exactly would you consider it a cause for concern?
Personally speaking and imo, I would see it as none of your business.
As for the safety issue, if you're concerned, why don't you both go get tested for STI's?

I cannot understand that logic. If someone is going out with someone and really cares about this person then of course past actions matter to them. Past actions are an indication of how a person thinks and where they coming from. I cannot agree that it is none of the OP's business - they are going out ffs.

@OP: I definiitely don't think it is none of your business but you must remember that is a decision that your girlfriend made in the past when presented with the facts.

There is definitely a stigma attached to abortion in this country partially if not entirely due to the the catholic upbringing most here have experienced. Just because it is illogical doesn't make the feeling go away. The OP is only thinking outloud and trying to work it through his head. There is nothing wrong with that.

I think you (OP) must learn to understand why she had this abortion. She did not have it for no reason. I can't imagine it doesnt effect her.

The only 100% effective contraception is not to have intercourse. Pregnancy does happen unexpectedly no matter how much protection you use. She wieghed up the options and made her choice. You know you must deal her choice no matter how you feel if you want to be with her.

Like said earlier, she has trusted in you to tell you this which is a good sign.

Lemming

axer wrote:

There is definitely a stigma attached to abortion in this country partially if not entirely due to the the catholic upbringing most here have experienced. Just because it is illogical doesn't make the feeling go away. The OP is only thinking outloud and trying to work it through his head. There is nothing wrong with that.

That the OP is "thinking out loud" isn't an issue. It's the questions that are running through his head that are imo. It strikes me that the OP is soo caught up in some sort of "omfg who'd she sleep with in the past?!!! She must be SUCH a slapper" line of thought that he doesn;t see the human underneath who has laid out an incredibly personal and life-altering secret to him. That speaks volumes.

All of the questions (that he mentions) are selfishly motivated and there appears to be scant consideration for her feelings on this matter.

K-9

Lemming wrote:

That the OP is "thinking out loud" isn't an issue. It's the questions that are running through his head that are imo. .

Yeah, somebody could have a so called "Catholic" or indeed personal objection to abortion, but could still see that this girl is not a "slapper" and may have had many various reasons for deciding to have an abortion.

lemming wrote:

It strikes me that the OP is soo caught up in some sort of "omfg who'd she sleep with in the past?!!! She must be SUCH a slapper" line of thought that he doesn;t see the human underneath who has laid out an incredibly personal and life-altering secret to him. That speaks volumes.

This would concern me far more than a "moral" objection to abortion.

The Sweeper

I was going to say "it's none of your business" but people seem to have difficulty with that viewpoint, so let me phrase it differently:

Your partner's past actions, if they choose to disclose them to you, should be treated as past and separate to your existing relationship. In some instances, I would feel it is highly inappropriate for you to pass judgement on your partner, challenge their past decisions or start a fight with them based on actions from their past, especially if during your time with them to date you have no reason to think badly of them based on their behaviour towards you.

For argument's sake, if you girlfriend knew about this thread, she could easily start another one saying:

"I've been with my boyfriend long enough to really start trusting him, and last night I admitted to him that I had an abortion while in a long-term relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Now he seems to suddenly think I'm some sort of faithless slag who slept around and didn't take precautions - he didn't even bother to ask me how I got pregnant. Then he went and posted on an internet bulletin board for other people's opinions, like he doesn't have a brain of his own!! Has our relationship so far really meant so little to him that he's judging me on this? What about me? I trusted him with this and I feel like he's thrown it in my face. I'm so hurt. "

Would she be right?

Wibbs

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I was going to say "it's none of your business" but people seem to have difficulty with that viewpoint, so let me phrase it differently:

It's not the basis of the viewpoint I take issue with, it's the sometimes overly simplistic and blanket way the viewpoint can be applied by some(and opposed by others).

I think it is his business, but and it's a big but, it's how it's his business that's the real issue. It is only his business in how it may effect their relationship in the future, not the past. The past is gone. That said, none of exist in a vacuum and the past has effects on who we are today and how we may react tomorrow. If we forget about the emotive subject of abortion for a second, any subject that would be difficult to confide to a partner brings it's own energy to a relationship. It's how that energy is dealt with marks out the maturity of both in the relationship. Just saying "well it's none of his/her business" is frankly silly. Indeed the very act of her telling him in this example, she made it his(or better, their) business. It's again how they navigate this is the thing. Reverse the roles for a second. Let's imagine he went through a very depressive time in his life. Attempted suicide, the works. He's fine now. Cured as it where. He tells her this. Would we say it's none of her business how this may effect their life together if by some chance it popped up again? Or by knowing that she may view him a little differently? Extreme example, but still valid.

Hypothetical situation. Woman has abortion in past(really doesn't matter why). Tells current boyfriend who for arguments sake is deeply opposed to the practice. Woman falls pregnant to current boyfriend. She decides that it's still not the right time for her to have children. = Big issue. Second hypothetical situation. Woman has abortion in past(again really doesn't matter why). It has effected her emotionally very badly. Said emotional fallout impacts current relationship. = Another issue. Third hypothetical situation(which may be the case here). Woman has abortion in past. Boyfriend thinks this marks her out as someone different to the person he thought she was. = Big issue. The latter hypothetical is his problem though. In that case he needs to cop on.

Now anything he or she did in their respective pasts got them to where they are as people today. Indeed that past and how they've come through it may be a large part of why they fell for each other in the first place. I know it has for me in the past. Women I knew at 20 who I wasn't particularly attracted to, became far more attractive after living life, in it's good and bad ways. It made them far more interesting people because of it.

It has sweet fúck all to do with her "morals" or any of that guff. If the OP thinks that, then he really needs to cop on.

Your partner's past actions, if they choose to disclose them to you, should be treated as past and separate to your existing relationship. In some instances, I would feel it is highly inappropriate for you to pass judgement on your partner, challenge their past decisions or start a fight with them based on actions from their past, especially if during your time with them to date you have no reason to think badly of them based on their behaviour towards you.

Agreed.

Given the often volatile reaction to this subject, the OP's girlfriend took a brave risk to confide in him. That alone for me would be the first thing I would appreciate. I would consider myself lucky that a partner would trust me enough to tell me that. The why's and wherefores of hearing such information and how it might impact their relationship(if at all) is something they need to discuss.

Nevyn

Between January 1980 and December 2004, at least 117,673 women travelled from Ireland for abortion services in Britain. There are no statistics to account for the number of women who travel to other countries for abortion services.
These are not faceless numbers.

This is your sister, your friend, your work colleague, your aunt, your mother, your girl friend,
your ex girl friend, the person you see on the dart, luas, bus every morning,the girl in the newsagents,
or checkouts or the girl that was giving you the eye the last time you were in that bar and in this case the ops girlfriend.

Honestly I am surprised that this topic has not come up more often; most likely it is because it is still such a taboo.

I am sure that there are people who have gotten married to and had children with a woman that had an abortion and are completely unaware of it.

Op your gf has been very brave and has show a great level of trust and respect for you.

Many young men say that they are ok with the concept of abortion and the abstract of some unknown woman having an abortion but that often changes when they find out this fact about someone they know and care about.

People make all sorts of judgements about the type of women who have abortions to rationalise why they have them and can get quiet a shock when
the find out that a 'good person' who they respect has had one.

I think OP you may have had a certain stereotype in your head of the 'sort' of women who have abortions and as your gf did not fit that type you assumed she would not have had one.

You are now trying to get your head around this stereotype and your gf and wondering if she conformed to that stereotype two years ago and has she really changed and has she been fooling you all this time.

I think you need to set your preconceptions aside.
I think you need to learn about what it means for a woman to travel out of this country for an abortion.

You can't expect you gf to be able to teach you about all this.
She may not be able to share with you her experience, she is most likely worried that she may have made the mistake of telling you but she bravely took that risk.

I wrote a post about this a while back Op and hopefully you will find the time to read it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=3207946&postcount=21

Yes you are going to need some time to adjust and figure out what you think and feel but I would suggest that you don't use you gf as a sounding board and that you don't punish her one way or the other when you figure out how you feel and if you can be in a relationship with her.

As more women refuse to be reviled and rebuked for having an abortion and start to share their stories it will be come less taboo.

axer

Thaedydal wrote:

Between January 1980 and December 2004, at least 117,673 women travelled from Ireland for abortion services in Britain. There are no statistics to account for the number of women who travel to other countries for abortion services.
These are not faceless numbers.

This is your sister, your friend, your work colleague, your aunt, your mother, your girl friend,
your ex girl friend, the person you see on the dart, luas, bus every morning,the girl in the newsagents,
or checkouts or the girl that was giving you the eye the last time you were in that bar and in this case the ops girlfriend.

Honestly I am surprised that this topic has not come up more often; most likely it is because it is still such a taboo.

I am sure that there are people who have gotten married to and had children with a woman that had an abortion and are completely unaware of it.

Op your gf has been very brave and has show a great level of trust and respect for you.

Many young men say that they are ok with the concept of abortion and the abstract of some unknown woman having an abortion but that often changes when they find out this fact about someone they know and care about.

People make all sorts of judgements about the type of women who have abortions to rationalise why they have them and can get quiet a shock when
the find out that a 'good person' who they respect has had one.

I think OP you may have had a certain stereotype in your head of the 'sort' of women who have abortions and as your gf did not fit that type you assumed she would not have had one.

You are now trying to get your head around this stereotype and your gf and wondering if she conformed to that stereotype two years ago and has she really changed and has she been fooling you all this time.

I think you need to set your preconceptions aside.
I think you need to learn about what it means for a woman to travel out of this country for an abortion.

You can't expect you gf to be able to teach you about all this.
She may not be able to share with you her experience, she is most likely worried that she may have made the mistake of telling you but she bravely took that risk.

I wrote a post about this a while back Op and hopefully you will find the time to read it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=3207946&postcount=21

Yes you are going to need some time to adjust and figure out what you think and feel but I would suggest that you don't use you gf as a sounding board and that you don't punish her one way or the other when you figure out how you feel and if you can be in a relationship with her.

As more women refuse to be reviled and rebuked for having an abortion and start to share their stories it will be come less taboo.

Ecellent post Thaedydal.

LegacyUser

OP - while everybody has valid points on whether it's your business etc.......
I am going to comment on my own experience.

I was in exactly the same situ as you are in now. My ex told me that she'd had an abortion. I was (an still am against abortion - not debate please) but liked this girl a lot and decided like a lot of the posters suggest that it was in her past.
One thing that did niggle at me was if i got her pregnant would she consider my feelings or have a abortion if it suited her.

anyway had the long term relationship bought the house etc....then one day she discovers she is pregnant - decides that she doesn't want to have kids - so she went to uk with the words "I'm going - I'll deal the the fallout when I get back"
needlesstosay we split up pretty soon after that.

I guess my point is that she has done it before so you should be aware that she may find this acceptable as a last resort and you may not have a say in the matter.
A lot of it depends on her attitude to the previous abortion. would she consider it again?

enda1

Thaedydal wrote:

Between January 1980 and December 2004, at least 117,673 women travelled from Ireland for abortion services in Britain. There are no statistics to account for the number of women who travel to other countries for abortion services.
These are not faceless numbers.

This is your sister, your friend, your work colleague, your aunt, your mother, your girl friend,
your ex girl friend, the person you see on the dart, luas, bus every morning,the girl in the newsagents,
or checkouts or the girl that was giving you the eye the last time you were in that bar and in this case the ops girlfriend.

Nah. I'd say its all the same girl, obviously the town bike!

Nevyn

enda1 Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.
Read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
Have a nice day
Thaedydal.

Dudess

OP, a friend of mine had an abortion when she was 18 and there is no way she would have told any guy unless she wanted the relationship with him to become that bit more serious. The boyfriend she finally did tell (after a long, long time) would have similar points of view to yours. He found it a little difficult to deal with initially, but he didn't judge her and he put himself in her shoes - because he loved her and wanted to make a go of things. That was around four years ago. They are now engaged, building a house, and she is pregnant. They are ecstatic and insanely in love with each other.
Abortion is obviously a big deal for a woman - your girlfriend wouldn't tell you unless she had considerable feelings for you. You should focus on that, not the abortion.

K-9

been there wrote:

I was in exactly the same situ as you are in now. My ex told me that she'd had an abortion. I was (an still am against abortion - not debate please) but liked this girl a lot and decided like a lot of the posters suggest that it was in her past.
One thing that did niggle at me was if i got her pregnant would she consider my feelings or have a abortion if it suited her.

anyway had the long term relationship bought the house etc....then one day she discovers she is pregnant - decides that she doesn't want to have kids - so she went to uk with the words "I'm going - I'll deal the the fallout when I get back"
needlesstosay we split up pretty soon after that.

I guess my point is that she has done it before so you should be aware that she may find this acceptable as a last resort and you may not have a say in the matter.
A lot of it depends on her attitude to the previous abortion. would she consider it again?

Thaedydal wrote:

Many young men say that they are ok with the concept of abortion and the abstract of some unknown woman having an abortion but that often changes when they find out this fact about someone they know and care about.

You need to seriously think about this one. You say you have no personal problem with it, but if you where in a position like the above would it concern you then?

This is a bigger issue than some concern about her "sexual past".

Some great points being made here coming from different sides and point of views.

Hagar

Personally I could not remain in a relationship with someone who chose to end a human life. If that's not a problem for you and you don't think she could do it again to a child you might father, go for it and the best of luck to you both.

embee

I'm going to agree with others and say that this is none of your business.

Its in her past, a situation that arose out of a completely different relationship to the one she is in now. She made the right decision for her at the time. I really don't understand your comment that you felt a bit "sick to the stomach". Telling someone that you've had an abortion requires a huge amount of bravery, and instead of coming online here to ask strangers opinions, you should be talking to your girlfriend about it. You should also feel good that she feels she can trust you enough to tell you this. It is a deeply, deeply personal thing that she has decided to share with you. You shouldn't judge her for it at all. Accidents happen all of the time.

py2006

I actually think it is very much your business if you two are in a serious long term relationship. If you had only met the girl last week then yes it would be none of your business.

I think a very good point that not alot of people have given much thought to on here is would she do it to YOUR child if she was to get pregnant. I am not saying she would but if she was to get pregnant and you were dileriously happy about it but she went to England without telling you or discussing it with you. That would kill me to be honest!

I think you would be right to ask that question in your own mind and that is were it is very much your business if you see yourself with her long term.

py2006

py2006 wrote:

I think a very good point that not alot of people have given much thought to on here is would she do it to YOUR child if she was to get pregnant. I am not saying she would but if she was to get pregnant and you were dileriously happy about it but she went to England without telling you or discussing it with you. That would kill me to be honest!

I think you would be right to ask that question in your own mind and that is were it is very much your business if you see yourself with her long term.

I hate to nit pick, but your phrasing makes it sound like the OP is the only one whose child it is :rolleyes:

In any case, if you're in a relationship with someone, surely the whole "what should happen in case she becomes pregnant" topic should have been addressed already, particularly if it's serious enough that she feels she can reveal something so sensitive and personal to him

If a situation occurred like in the above quote where one person in the relationship took off without consulting the other I think there are more issues there than just abortion...

axer

embee wrote:

I'm going to agree with others and say that this is none of your business.

I think you miss the whole point of a relationship. How can it not be his business?

embee wrote:

I really don't understand your comment that you felt a bit "sick to the stomach".

I don't really understand that comment since he never said he felt (and you quote - who are you quoting btw?) "sick to the stomach". WTF?

embee wrote:

Telling someone that you've had an abortion requires a huge amount of bravery, and instead of coming online here to ask strangers opinions, you should be talking to your girlfriend about it. You should also feel good that she feels she can trust you enough to tell you this. It is a deeply, deeply personal thing that she has decided to share with you. You shouldn't judge her for it at all. Accidents happen all of the time.

Now that makes more sense.

Nevyn

The op stated that he

found it a little hard to stomach for some reason

.

And it would appear that this reaction is what has him worried esp as he has not figured out why.

Wibbs

Maybe his difficulty in stomaching this comes from simple shock, or now for the first time he has to deal with something that previously was a subject in the abstract. It would also for some men who take issue with this sort of thing, make concrete in their minds that she had a past that they up to that point ignored. Immature? Yes, very. Common? Yes, again. Especially insecure men being faced with thoughts of the woman's previous sexual life. Pregnancy, never mind abortion, being the obvious result of that. That's his issue alone though, not hers or theirs, though that line of thinking will impact the latter if not nipped in the bud.

If I was in the OP's position, I would naturally have a few questions, beyond the pros and cons debate that lay outside of the remit of this forum.

1. Did the ex have any input on the decision?
2. Would she have wanted him to?
3. While this is a traumatic event in her life does it still have an emotional resonance with her that might effect us as a couple(obviously beyond what would be natural with such a trauma)?
4. If it were to happen again, would she consider it as an option?
5. Is there any other reason, beyond sharing a hard time in her past, why she told me(probably not)?
6. If it did come up again, would I be involved in the decision a la points 1 and 2?
7. Are we singing from the same hymn sheet regarding the whole subject? If not can we compromise?

Of them number 6 would be a deal breaker for me if her answer was in the negative.

As I wrote before, while what she did in her life before they were together is not directly his business, If there's something that may impact on their current relationship and their future together then it's obviously is his business. To think otherwise is avoiding the issue and frankly idiotic. That's how issues like this in relationship can break them up. In the OP's case it's having some effect already and they need to work through the relevant questions, however silly, together. Otherwise they're not much cop as a couple.

Talliesin

Wibbs wrote:

Maybe his difficulty in stomaching this comes from simple shock, or now for the first time he has to deal with something that previously was a subject in the abstract.

That's what I get from the post too.

Pyjamarama

5893274 wrote:

it just throws up a load of questions, like who she's been with in the past, why she was so careless, how safe has her past sex life been etc. Also we've talked about babies and abortions before just in conversation, and she never mentioned this before.

Were you celibate before this relationship? If not it's a tad hypocrtical to be so judgemental. You ask why she was so careless, again mistakes happen, it happened when she was going out with someone, it's not like she was having a million one night stands with no contraception!

She may only be comfortable enough in the relationship now to talk about it so she obviously trusts you with this information. I'm sure it was a big deal to open up to you about it so be supportive and maybe skip the part asking her why she was so 'careless' :rolleyes:

Minesajackdaniels also makes a fair point with his example post from your girlfriend. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and saw her boyfriend was linking her having an abortion to promiscuity?

sillymoo2007

Imho I think what has happened happened and its in the past nothing you can do about but just except it, deal with it and get on. Your gf took a huge gamble on your relationship to tell you such a horrific secret of her past, there probably isnt a day where she doesn't think about it weither she regrets it or not she most likely is reminded on a daily basis anniversaries and such like as to what she did.

She obviously trusts and loves you a huge ammount to tell you. Simple thing to do is put aside your own IMO selfish questions and talk to her, ask her to explain the whole situation to you.

The fact of it being taboo in irish society I feel has nothing to do with weither she tells somebody or not. She most likely feels very ashamed in her own head as to the decision she made. I accompanied a friend to holland for an abortion and I found the whole thing very traumatic myself just being there as support was upsetting enough. so I cant begin to imagine how she felt having the abortion.

So to answer your thread just talk to her and let her tell you in her own time and put your judgements aside. On the other hand if she had a young child being an unmarried mother would you still of been or be attracted to her. Apparently the statistics of abortion in ireland are 1:8 women. As somebody else said your mother, sister, aunt, female friends, etc are they undesirable women?

embee

axer wrote:

I think you miss the whole point of a relationship. How can it not be his business?

I know the point of a relationship. I've been in a good one for 5 years. Its not his business just like a lot of stuff in my partners past is not my business etc. Things that he's done in his past that he may not be too proud of have very little bearing on our relationship as things stand. Its been 5 years now. If he were to turn around and tell me something deeply personal from his past before he met me, I wouldn't think to myself "He should have told me that ages ago, I have a right to know every aspect of his past." That's crazy. I'd feel glad that he felt he could tell me. Is it now a case that, when we meet someone new, we are expected to lay everything on the table within the first 5 dates? Just to avoid this sort of thing in the future... if I were single now, and I met someone, I'd tell them absolutely everything about my 26 years on the planet so far.... I don't think so.

axer wrote:

I don't really understand that comment since he never said he felt (and you quote - who are you quoting btw?) "sick to the stomach". WTF?

I read it wrong then. Sue me.


OP, I meant to ask earlier... had she not had an abortion and had had the baby, is it likely that ye would be together now?

Requiem4adream

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Your partner's past actions, if they choose to disclose them to you, should be treated as past and separate to your existing relationship.

Your actions in life help to shape and define who you are; it's the things we say and do that matter, nothing more or less. In any serious relationship, you get to know your partner for who they are , sometimes even who they've been or who they could be.

There's a world of difference between giving a person a clean slate, getting to know them on the merit's of what you learn about them and between thinking that they're previous actions have zero relevance.

To pick an extreme example, imagine a girl in a committed relationship with a man for 3 years, who confides in her that he was previously convicted of rape. Can she treat that seperately? past being in the past ?

We're all human and it's never black and white. What you do and say in your past is part of the equation in who you are, and "who you are" should always be relevant to your partner.

Wibbs

^^^^ Well put and bang on the money.

axer

embee wrote:

I know the point of a relationship. I've been in a good one for 5 years. Its not his business just like a lot of stuff in my partners past is not my business etc. Things that he's done in his past that he may not be too proud of have very little bearing on our relationship as things stand. Its been 5 years now. If he were to turn around and tell me something deeply personal from his past before he met me, I wouldn't think to myself "He should have told me that ages ago, I have a right to know every aspect of his past." That's crazy. I'd feel glad that he felt he could tell me. Is it now a case that, when we meet someone new, we are expected to lay everything on the table within the first 5 dates? Just to avoid this sort of thing in the future... if I were single now, and I met someone, I'd tell them absolutely everything about my 26 years on the planet so far.... I don't think so.

Your past actions are an indication of who you are today whether or not you are ashamed of them or not. I'm not saying that someone has to give their potential partner a book on their life but to have an attitude that something is none of the other partner's business especially in a long term relationship is strange and somewhat dishonest imo.

K-9

Requiem4adream wrote:

To pick an extreme example, imagine a girl in a committed relationship with a man for 3 years, who confides in her that he was previously convicted of rape. Can she treat that seperately? past being in the past ?

We're all human and it's never black and white. What you do and say in your past is part of the equation in who you are, and "who you are" should always be relevant to your partner.

Well, that puts why this subject is relevant, better than any other post including mine. Yes it's extreme, but sometimes they have to be, to get the point.

axer wrote:

Your past actions are an indication of who you are today whether or not you are ashamed of them or not. I'm not saying that someone has to give their potential partner a book on their life but to have an attitude that something is none of the other partner's business especially in a long term relationship is strange and somewhat dishonest imo. Yesterday 10:13

She volunteered the information so unfortunately it is relevant. Eg. if somebody was against abortion (not debating here, just bringing up a viewpoint) in the majority of cases, should they just get over it? It was in her past, she had an abortion? He has views, should he just get over it? Obviously the OP's views on sexual history aren't relevant.

We don't know why this girl had an abortion. To me, unless it was a very serious scenario, I would worry that I wouldn't be compatible with the girl. Maybe I'm speaking from having a 9 year old and it was never a serious option, but to me there are a lot worse things that could happen to a person than a child.

Sometimes, these things have to be turned around. If it was a girl in here asking for advice, after her bf said he had encouraged his ex gf to have an abortion before, or didn't have a problem with it, would there be as many people saying it was none of her business? Would it be a concern for the girl that his past may have a relevance to their future?

IMO, to a large extent yes.