Rowing with boyfriend about communication

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm getting increasingly annoyed at my boyfriend and I don't know what to do. I feel like he is taking me for granted. We are going out a few weeks. He is away at the moment. I had been feeling he was starting to take me for granted. He wouldn't ring me as often as he did when we first met. He'd tell me he'd be over in half an hour and I'd be ringing to ask where he was 2 hours later. That's happened a couple of times. The day before he went away he told me he wouldn't be able to see me because he was too busy packing but said he would ring later. That was fine except it got really late and he hadn't rang. I texted him saying I was sick of him taking me for granted and what was the point in carrying on if we are only going out a few weeks and are fighting already. He starts ringing but I don't answer. After 4 or 5 attempts he texts me saying he was asleep and that he was going to ring me. He rings me again, this time I answer and he is all upset, saying he loves me and doesn't mean any harm. He is going away the next day so rather than have him going on holidays all upset I say OK and tell him I will talk to him when he comes back. All is OK at first, he emails me to say he has arrived safely etc. He emails almost every day. Then the other night I send him a long email, just telling him news and stuff and saying I miss him. The next time he is online he doesn't write back, even though I was also online at the same time. I feel like a complete sap for telling him I miss him etc and then he just ignores me.
I feel again like I'm being taken for granted. But I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe there was a friend there at the time and he didn't want to write me a private email in front of them. The next day he writes to me and is more affectionate than usual, saying he misses me etc. I am online at the same time, I write back and he gets back to me straight away. I think I must have been right to give him the benefit of the doubt for not writing back sooner. Then the same thing happens again today. In the last email I sent him last night after he'd logged off, I asked him what time will he be home tomorrow. He is online today but doesn't write back.
Now I feel like an idiot again. I tried to break up with him before he went for taking me for granted. I give him the benefit of the doubt for ignoring me and then he does it again the next day. I asked him what time he would be home so I could look forward to it but he just ignores me. Maybe he thinks he got away with ignoring me before so now he can do it again. I feel like a complete idiot. He is a lovely boyfriend apart from all this but we have had a few rows since we got together over him not communicating and over him taking me for granted, it seems like as soon as he thinks he's got away with it he does it again. I've just been through some very stressful times which he knows all about and I don't need stress from him. On top of all this he is going away again in a couple of weeks.

Sorry for the long post.

SarahSassy

talktome wrote:

We are going out a few weeks.

Take a serious chill pill or you will be soon saying 'we were going out for a few weeks'.....

You sound needy, controlling and demanding. The guy is on holidays and you are trying to control him and take the good out of his holiday. Your stressful time was exactly that - YOUR stressful time, not his. Its a new relationship and you are already acting like a naggy wife. He is not taking you for granted he is trying to get some space away from you....

Next time he says he will be over in 30 minutes and does not arrive, go out!!!! Just disappear and do something for yourself. After a few episodes of this he will either turn up on time or give you a more realistic time frame....

Give him a bit of space, stop thinking and analysing every move, go out with your friends and take the pressure off him. To be frank, I am surprised he has put up with it for this long... I would be running for the horizon.

Wibbs

You're only going out for a "few weeks"? Eh hello? Honestly, my first reaction is that you come across as incredibly needy and insecure. That will put people off, especially at this early stage. You seem to want constant reinforcement of his feelings for you.

After only a few weeks you think he's taking you for granted and you think of breaking up with him? He doesn't email you back immediately and you get your knickers in a bunch and think he doesn't love you?

Maybe I'm reading this wrong(and I'm suffering the fúcker of all hangovers), but if I was in his position my head would be melted, especially at this early stage. I'll be honest this kind of stuff would be a deal breaker for me. Bye bye baby. It really would. Now I'm not saying that he doesn't take you for granted, but your emotional rollercoaster of responses towards him would worry me in his position. You're seriously over thinking this. Common enough with some women. You're looking at every detail of what he says or doesn't say and making conclusions based more on how you see yourself, not anything he might be particularly trying to get across. You'll only worry yourself into breaking the relationship and it'll do you no good.

Trust me, keep this up and he will leave you. I guarantee that. Overly needy and emotional attention seeking types of either gender are not attractive at all. Even moreso at this very early stage. You pull this a year in and you might have some leg to stand on, after a few weeks and he'll get very tired of this. I wouldn't blame him. Been there and it's very very wearing and I consider myself pretty patient. There are limits though.

You need to look at why you feel the need for this constant emotional reinforcement that borders on the paranoid. He may have issues, everyone does, but for you, you need to work out why you're like this.

pog it

I think that's sound advice from SarahSassy: if he's two hours late turning up and hasn't the manners to call you to let you know, then you should definitely not be there waiting for him.. what state will your self respect be in if you let him treat you any way he likes? Let him know it's not acceptable.

Also, I find it strange that he has no time to call you even when he's packing: all day? How busy could he be? And where has he been that he can't call you while he's on holidays? I think one call would be reasonable instead of constantly relying on emails.

Foxykitty

I think you are very stressed out and you need your own time stop thinking about him and what he is doing, do your own thing. be your own person, Do you really need a bf at the moment if you have gone through something very stressful relax

and when you done doing what you need to do if he is there it's ment to be if he is not, it's not!

it could be worse

Talliesin

talktome wrote:

He starts ringing but I don't answer.

Eh, why not?

Do the two of you actually have anything going on except for drama over him standing you up and you not answering his calls.

You haven't even built any sort of a relationship yet. After a few weeks he's not really a boyfriend, he's still mostly just someone you're dating.

Now, drama is great fun. It really is, all of us have a capacity for enjoying drama; it helps to stop us going completely insane when the **** really hits the fan and we find ourselves living in a gods-damned soap-opera - with some git with a short attention span switching channels to a cop show and a medical drama every few minutes - for a few months.

Sod it though. That happens enough as it is - you've said you've another source of stress already.

At best you'll probably die some time before you're 100th birthday and there'll be plenty of unavoidable stress in the meantime. All in all, life's too short. You're meant to be in the "haven't a clue where this is going to go, don't care, having a great time" stage after a few weeks. You've somehow jumped to "gah, after all these years together how did it end up like this?"

Why bother?

LegacyUser

He rang from the airport this morning, I decided to cut him some slack and not be mad at him, he is bringing me out later. I bother because he is perfect apart from all this and I do have a tendency to expect boyfriends to be perfect and to come down on them like a ton of bricks over something small.

SarahSassy

Well sure if you had said he was arriving home today it would have made a difference..... I read that he as landing tonight and you were wairing around to meet him when he got home......

No one is perfect - not even yourself!!!!

Wibbs

talktome wrote:

He rang from the airport this morning, he is bringing me out later.

OK cool.

I decided to cut him some slack and not be mad at him

That was nice of you. Good plan though. Keep that up as otherwise you'll come across as some hormonal, immature, paranoid bunny boiler and give the rest of women kind a bad name. Which is a pity as most are not like this. I don't know were you learned this was the way to act, but you better start un learning it and fast.

I bother because he is perfect apart from all this

Well if he's "perfect*" apart from all this a continuation of cutting him some slack is a very good plan, because if you don't he'll perfectly leave you.

and I do have a tendency to expect boyfriends to be perfect and to come down on them like a ton of bricks over something small.

Well now you know your problem and it is a problem then you can attempt to change this behaviour. For your sake, first and foremost. If you don't and you expect people to be perfect(in your view) and berate them for not being, you will again come across as some high maintenance spoilt little brat that stamps her feet when the world and people in it don't go her way. Real attractive in a person. Seriously for your sake try to change this.

* PS no one is perfect and trying to fit that square peg into any number of round holes will get you nothing but grief. Face that and learn from that.

Talliesin

talktome wrote:

he is perfect apart from all this

Bet you a guinea to a shilling he isn't.

peckerhead

talktome wrote:

I do have a tendency to expect boyfriends to be perfect and to come down on them like a ton of bricks over something small.

:eek:

"There may be trouble ahead...."

Wibbs wrote:

...cutting him some slack is a very good plan, because if you don't he'll perfectly leave you.

Get real, girl.

Carrigart Exile

You sound serious hardwork and high maintenance after only a couple of weeks together.

SarahSassy

How did you get on?

TheDriver

I'd go with CarrigArt on the high maintenance/spoilt issue, his head is probably wrecked trying to make sense of u. Take a chill pill or u will be single or else in an unhappy relationship

LegacyUser

'We are getting on great, he is going away next week again. I have been trying my best to not be selfish and not to nag him.'

axer

talktome wrote:

'We are getting on great, he is going away next week again. I have been trying my best to not be selfish and not to nag him.'

Keep up the good work. You were being totally unreasonable and I understand it is hard to change but you are trying which is great. Well done and good luck.

LegacyUser

There's nothing more annoying then a girlfriend who constantly checks up on where you are and gives out to you if you don't reply to texts or messages etc... straight away. The chap is on holiday, let him enjoy himself! He obviously cares about you as he would have pissed off long before now if he didn't. Give him a bit of space and remember that he has his own life just as he has yours.

LegacyUser

ManOfPower wrote:

...his own life just as he has yours.

That should say his own life as you have yours. Oops.

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

talktome wrote:

Hi,
We are going out a few weeks...... He is a lovely boyfriend apart from all this but we have had a few rows since we got together over him not communicating and over him taking me for granted,

my advice is to dump him now, sooner rather that later and give this poor young fella a chance to meet somebody nice.
sorry but i feel the problem is with you, you seem a little high maintains.
sometimes been told is the best advice one can get.
hope this helps

ali.c

Seems to me like you have two issues here which have been all rolled into one...
the saying he'd call and not calling or the saying he will be over in 30mins and no sign of him, is IMHO plain bad manners* and if i am honest disrespectful. Now i know people are saying that its only a new relationship, but if i had arrangements to call over to someone and was going to be late irregardless of whether i had a relationship with them i would call and let them know

the email thing, well the guys was on holidays and so what if he didnt reply instaneously? Sometimes i dont reply to emails either, mainly as i am in rush or whatever and would rather take my time with it or i am not sure what i want to say back yet. Your over analysing it just a bit too much IMHO

Seraphina

you're the kind of annoying bunny boiler than gives all women a bad name.
calm down seriously, its only been a couple of weeks
the more you try and force it the more it will fall apart.

LegacyUser

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

Talliesin

What are you getting out of this?

Why are you not answering the phone?

Micamaca

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

You're a wee bit mad aren't you? Go on, tell the truth!

How is not opening the door to give him a chance to explain why he is late helping you? Perhaps he had a pefectly good reason for being late and you didn't even give him a chance.

Now perhaps he was playing a computer game with his mates, as boys do, and he forgot the time, again as boys do. I have experience of this myself. But perhaps something happened to delay him, and now you don't know. So grow up woman! Communication is key. Sit down with him and explain calmly and sensibly that it annoys you that he leaves you sitting there for an hour or so. Tell him if he is going to be quite late, to let you know. But in all honesty if I were him, the next text would be a "see ya!"

The stuff about the holiday is just utter nonsense...you're not joined at the hip now or ever likely to be...just keep repeating that to yourself. Mother of God!

axer

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

My god, please take \m/_(>_<)_\m/'s advice now.

You recognise earlier that you are a major part of the problem and then you do something like this. How do you know but he didnt have a good reason for being late.

TBH I am a tolerant person but I would be seriously considering dumping your ass if you didnt apologise for the childish behaviour and promise to try and change. Nobody expects you to change overnight but if you recognise the problem (and let your boyfriend know this) and then take steps to change then you could overcome this.

Wibbs

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

This drama queen stuff is pure nonsense. Yes, you had reason to be irritated at his tardiness. Fair enough, that is an issue. Pretending to be out and then whipping yourself up into a self indulgent frenzy is more of an issue. While his apparently repeated lateness shows a lack of manners or organisation, your reactions and general attitude to relationships is by far the bigger issue.

Now his lateness is solvable if he's willing to do so. Your self indulgent, demanding, needy, immature, spoilt brat, the world owes me perfection viewpoint is a much harder nut to crack. If I were his friend and he told me about this, I would seriously suggest that he drop you like a hot coal. Walk away and don't look back. This will get worse before it gets better etc.

If you're this needy and demanding at this early stage, what are you going to be like down the line? What if you moved in together or god forbid got married? Harsh, maybe, but I suspect if he was showing up on time and acting within the general area of good boyfriend you would still find some "problem" with him or anyone else who doesn't come up to your standards:rolleyes:.

Word to the wise, I guarantee you don't measure up to his or anyone else's with your attitude. The attractions of your gender will only keep him or anyone else interested for a while. When that passes and he has to deal with you as another human being, you may find that his lateness won't be the problem. He just won't show up at all.

In short, grow up, you're not going to be daddies little princess to the rest of the world. The sooner you realise that the better. There's a very short time in your life you will even vaguely get away with this guff and that time is now. When that passes you may find yourself rightfully avoided like the plague if you continue on this course.

Talliesin wrote:

What are you getting out of this?

Why are you not answering the phone?

Good questions. I'd say some weird sort of self indulgent reinforcement of how she views the world.

Pyjamarama

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

And you may never hear from him again!! My god he is outside your house and you won't answer the door to talk to him. Are you 13? This is seriously teenage relationship drama territory. Turn off Dawson's Creek and think about if you want a relationship or a melodrama as you seem to be thriving on the drama of the situation. People on this board are giving you good advice, chill out or you will not be in a relationship for much longer.

axer

OP: What age are you?

Pyjamarama

axer wrote:

OP: What age are you?

Was wondering that myself ...

Deadalus

Girls like you drive me mad. I had been out with a few girls when I was younger who would get weird and crazy if I didn't respond to a text or answer the phone or something for an hour or so and I began to think that maybe women where just nuts. Thankfully I have since met some normal girls who don't turn everything into a huge deal. You have to relax and just take it easy. Ask yourself who benefits from you freaking out and escalating the situation into a big drama scene each time he does something you don't like.

talktome

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

Why would you have heard from him again, if someone kept cutting off my calls I'd stop calling

stop being such a drama queen

If you actually want to resolve this issue, sit down and talk to him when he finally shows up and make it clear how you feel *without* flouncing

If you just want to be in a soap, leave the poor boy out of it

koneko

No offence, but you sound insecure, immature and needy. If your boyfriend was posting this thread instead of you, people would in unison tell him to dump you. Sort yourself out. You've only been going out a few weeks.

MrBaseball

talktome wrote:

'Had another rowtonight, he tells me he'll be around in half an hour, an hour and a half goes by til he rings. I don't answer and I get a text to say he is outside my house so I just say "you didn't show up so I went out". He rang once more but I cut it off cos I was too annoyed to talk to him, if he'd sent me a simple message to say he'd be an hour late it would have been ok. That was a few hours ago and haven't heard from him again since.'

You should do him a favour and dump him. Use your free time as a single person to work on your issues and insecurieties. To be acting this way at this early stage is crazy, and he will get fed up with it very quickly.

LegacyUser

He originally said when he rang "I'll be half an hour, is that too late" and I said "no". Then he shows up an hour late. He's been an hour or two late several times before without explanation or notice and I tried to be patient but I am sick of waiting around for him to show up whenever he feels like it.

Marksie

talktome wrote:

I am sick of waiting around for him to show up whenever he feels like it.

Then don't
There is a book called dealing with difficult people.
In that it states that is someone is perennially late then you give them 15minutes and then walk away and do your own thing.
You dont get upset or start a row

LegacyUser

I'm sik of everything. I'm sick of getting mad at him and feelin horrible afterwards. We'd been having a lovely time after he came back from holidays and just as I'm starting to think that maybe things will be ok after all we're fighting again. We had a lovely night in the night before last, completely soppy, then the next night he doesn't bother showing up for an hour and we're back to square one again. I was really looking forward to seeing him last night after the great night we'd had the night before and then he decides not to bother showing up for an hour. I feel like a fool for looking forward to seeing him only to be let down.

vorbis

about him being late. Whats stopping you calling him back??
He may have just forgot the time. Instead you seem delighted at the thought as you can use it to whip yourself up into a frenzy.

Do you act the same way around your friends? Telling us your age might help as well. Tbh though even as a 14 year odl teenager this is probably unreasonable behaviour!

Talliesin

talktome wrote:

He originally said when he rang "I'll be half an hour, is that too late" and I said "no". Then he shows up an hour late. He's been an hour or two late several times before without explanation or notice and I tried to be patient but I am sick of waiting around for him to show up whenever he feels like it.

So. how's your masterful strategy working out for you?

LegacyUser

'

Talliesin wrote:

So. how's your masterful strategy working out for you?

What would you do if someone was regularly an hour or two late without telling you?'

edanto

See above - but basically it's a respect issue. Whilst I agree with the others that you're obsessing a bit too much with this new guy, to give a straight answer to your question about what to do if someone if late - basically call him when he's late and tell him that you're wondering where he is.

Then when he turns up tell him it pisses you off that he makes arrangements that he's not sticking to and can he stop doing it. Why say half an hour if he means two hours? He might say it's 'cos you'll get all grumpy if he says he won't be there for two hours, but you'll have to deal with that.

After that if he keeps doing it, then call him when he's half an hour late and tell him you're going out with a friend for some fun and bored of waiting for him. Also, make a nice fuss of him when he does turn up on time and show him you appreciate it.

LegacyUser

I broke up with him last night, just said that there's been too many silly fights and it's not worth it, he wasn't too happy. I wish we could just get along cos we have so much in common.

CrazyNoob

talktome wrote:

I broke up with him last night.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:


Thank God!
Now he will be spared your insecurities and he can have a happy life

OP best of luck with the future theraphy

muppetkiller

I think the scary thing is after everyone here giving you advice on what the issue is i.e. YOU ...you failed to answer a single Post ? you just ranted continuously.

You can add never being wrong to your long list of faults.:rolleyes:

Flicky1

Has your boyfriend seen this thread? Give me his email address he deserves to know whay a pyscho he is going out with!! How old are you? I definitely dont think your old enough to have a relationship even if it is only a few weeks!!

SarahSassy

YOu need to spend a lot of time on your own to get some perspective on life and what has been going wrong in your relationships. Its not a dig at you, everyone needs to do it when their relationships have been destructive....

Enjoy your friends, take up a course build your self esteem and get your head together before you try another relationship.

K-9

talktome wrote:

I broke up with him last night, just said that there's been too many silly fights and it's not worth it, he wasn't too happy. I wish we could just get along cos we have so much in common.

Well explain to him what your issue was and that it bugs you.

Everybody has fights, sometimes they are worth it, as they sort out issues.

You are wrong fretting about replies to e-mails. E-mail is not a way to discuss your emotions. You get along most of the time, well work out the issues that concern you. Mr. Perfect is not out there.

muppetkiller wrote:

You can add never being wrong to your long list of faults.

Hope you aren't like this. Been there. Miss Perfect or Miss always right isn't out there either. True love and respect is when people love you because of your imperfections as much as your good side.

dango

Probably the most annoying thread i've ever read.
*ducks out of PI*
Good to hear it was resolved though.