Relationship Crisis (long post warning!)

LegacyUser

I'm in the middle of a crisis at the mo.
I've been with the same girl for nearly 10 years and I've been faithful for all that time.....up to 4 weeks ago.
We're both from the same town but live in a city so we pop home every now and again to visit the folks. My GF has been through a pretty serious illness and suffers from depression, we've been through hell and back with these probs and I always thought it had made us stronger.

Recently though I've been feeling that my life is just passing me by, I'm an outgoing, social kinda guy but my GF is mow the opposite and because she's been so ill i didn't like going out and leaving her on her own so I stopped going out.
This did bother me but I always thought that because I love her, it's the right thing to do.
Recently I'd started feeling depressed myself and she suggested I pop home on my own and see my folks, have a drink with old friends etc.... so i did.
I met a girl I used to pal around with years ago and we had a few drinks, a few laughs and went to a club. We drank some more and danced a bit, basically havin a laugh.
After the club we walked home (her place is on my way home) and when we got to her place she invited me in for coffee, I went but just drank coffee and talked for hours, gave her a hug and left.
That was grand, I went back to the city, back to work, never gave it much thought.
Two week later I was back down home with my GF, as usual she didn't wanna go out so I went out, not plannin to do anything but have a few drinks, and lo and behold, there was my old mate. Pretty much the same thing happened except for when she asked me back for coffee and we walked in the door, we just instantly started kissing and ended up making love all night.
I left the next morning and drove back to the city with my girlfriend and feeling very ashamed, thought I knew I couldn't tell her cos it'd destroy her, honestly, she's very fragile and something like this will kill her.
I've been back once since then on my own and I know I only went to see my friend.
We pretty much spent the weekend together, talking, socialising and pretty much in bed.
She's the complete opposite of my GF and I think thats what the attraction is. She says she has very strong feelings for me and I have feelings for her too but I also love my GF.
Now the part thats goin to get me labelled a sleazebag.
Because of my girlfriends depression and illness she's on a truckful of medication, and this has had a number of side effects, most notable of which is the fact that they have killed her sex-drive....I mean just killed it, nothing. We haven't had sex in about 2 years. Also the meds have brought on a lot of weight gain, now I know that shouldn't matter but it doesn't really help the situation when I'm not attracted to my GF.
I am in contact with my old friend and she says that she understands the situation and will leave me alone if I tell her too, it's just that at the moment, she's the only happiness in my life.
I know cheating is wrong and I'll be the first to put my hand up and say what I've done is wrong.
I know I'll be told that I'm only staying with my GF cos I'm afraid of what leaving her will do to her, but is it right to stay, knowing that my future will most likely be more of the same drab existence?
I do love my GF and we've been through tons of bad times together but lately there's only bad times. She's not working (I pay her rent, food etc.), every day I go home she's usually in bed depressed or using my credit card to buy stuff on the net.
I'm at the end of my tether here......could use some advice

muppetkiller

Is your girlfriends condition permanent ?
If so you really have to think about yourself for a change..Will you spend the rest of your life lookin after your current girlfriend ? Having said that it's been 10 years so if you really loved you'd stay with her but it would be difficult for anyone.

If she's depressed all the time , Wont Socialize , spending all your money, no sexlife ? What do you do together that makes you a couple rather than her nurse ?

Can you actually sit down and speak to her about your situation ? Does she realize what your going through too ?

For the record I'm not sure you are a scumbag for what you did. you come across as someone who is in a position nobody would envy. You have needs and two years with out sex is a very very long time.

jubi lee

cheating is always wrong... no excuses....

you're not happy with your gf, leave her and let her get on with her life.
you are only going to become more and more unhappy and will hurt her more in the long run.

Amazotheamazing

I know this sounds harsh, but life is there to be lived. I know depression is an awful illness, but you need to ask yourself whats best for you right now, loyalty is not the same as love, and a relationship is more than just being someones saftey net or nurse.

If you truly love your g/f, then you'll get through this, and you'll accept that you have to continue to make sacrifices for your relationship, if not, then it's time to think about moving on.

LegacyUser

'If your truly loved your girlfriend the thoughts of touching another woman would turn you. I think you've opened one eye by posting, and I hope the other one opens when you realise our advises.

Its not fair to be someones nurse, I think you need a change of scenario and to live your life. Maybe she can move home to her parents?

You have alot on your shoulders boy, paying her rent bills and food, and coming home to her in a depression. Just give yourself a break.'

Miss Fluff

RegLess wrote:

I know I'll be told that I'm only staying with my GF cos I'm afraid of what leaving her will do to her, but is it right to stay, knowing that my future will most likely be more of the same drab existence?

That's entirely your choice OP. You have to think of your happiness too. 10 years is a long time, as is 2 years without any sex. You provide for her, offer her support, pay her bills etc etc but all relationships have to be symbiotic and you have to question what are you getting from this relationship. No human being can give and give constantly and get nothing in return.

At the moment it seems like you are living a half-life. I can sympathise with why you strayed and maybe its the much needed writing on the wall for a relationship and an existence that really is not satisfactory at all. I have no doubt you love your girlfriend, you sound like you love her hugely but one can only take so much. You sound like you have a lot to give, don't give everything until you bleed yourself dry and end up hating her.

Her illness sounds truly awful, but you thankfully are not inflicted so go and live your life. Don't be a pr1ck and cheat on her though, you'll have to make a clean break.

MrBaseball

I wouldn't really consider this a normal case of cheating, in fairness. Sounds like your girlfriend is just a burden. Not to be overly harsh or anything, but it sounds like you're not really getting much from the situation. 2 years is a very very long time to wait. Sex is an important part of life, so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much for wanting to have it after 2 years of nothing. I guess whether you should stay depends on how much you love your girlfriend, since to the casual observer, you don't seem to be getting much out of this relationship. Life is short, I don't know if pity is a valid reason to lose out on a good part of your own life due to someone elses problems.

hotstuff2

you seem like a genuine caring person however I think it is clear you no longer have a future with your gf. you have had an awful lot to put up with and are staying with her due to loyalty. I know it seems harsh but I think you will need to sit down with your gf and tell her that you have been unhappy for a long time and that she really needs to start getting her life on track as it's not fair on you to have to constantly care for her/fund her etc. life will pass you by and there's no reason that you shouldn't be happy. your gf really needs to get medical help and get herself sorted. I realise depression is an illness and you are never fully cured but she will have to start facing up to things and getting long term help. This situation is doing neither of you any good and the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

jubi lee

the op doesn't mention anything good about the relatiohsip but that doesn't mean there isn't anything.

Also he did mention it was a serious illness his gf has just gotten over and now she has depression too... give the girl a break will ya jeez... if you had a life threatening illness i'm sure s*x would be the last thing on your mind.

Op are you actually in love with her?

LegacyUser

First of all, Thanks for all your comments.
I didn't receive the bollokin I thought I deserved.

Now...............

jubi lee wrote:

Op are you actually in love with her?

Thats the thing, sometimes I'm sure I am and sometimes I get to thinkin that its just force of habit, pity or something.

jubi lee wrote:

Also he did mention it was a serious illness his gf has just gotten over

She's over the worst of it but the illness will be with her forever and the meds too

jubi lee wrote:

the op doesn't mention anything good about the relatiohsip but that doesn't mean there isn't anything.

At the moment, there's very little good I'm afraid. We really are just like housemates at the moment,

jubi lee

Well then I think you have your answer...

editing this to say:
The thing is you'll be doing her a favour in a way. the worst thing for a woman (or for me anyway) is to think that someone is with me for the wrong reason or that they are no longer enjoying the relationship. I'm sure if she knew how you felt she would not ask you to stay in the relationship.

Obviously there are plenty of couples who deal with long term illnesses and meds and their various side effects on a daily basis. To me you don't sound as if your heart is in it and therefore will be a hinderance to her recovery more than a help.

I'm sure she has family and friends that can help her if and when you guys break up.there is no need for her to find out about the other girl and do expect some flack from her family and firends for 'abandoning' her at her most vulnerable. but remember you have a life too...resentment is a terrible thing.

LegacyUser

Well yes she has family, but they're a long way away, she has lost all her friends because of her illness/depression.
I would literally be leaving her high and dry and I don't have it in me to do that.
I feel like I'd be the biggest ba$tard on earth if I left her in the state she's got herself into.
I tend to be a bit soft and let her have her way, though she can always make me feel bad for getting my own way all the time, even though I don't! (odd I know but she can really use this as a stick to beat me with)

Marksie

You know, i can see why you went and did what you did and i am in agreement with miss Fluff over that, so it is best to put that to one side for the moment at least.

Simply put it was a symptom of what you are going through.

More importantly perhaps is the state of your relationship overall rather than this incident.
It would be terribly glib and totally useless to say dump her. What i get is a sense of obligation on your part that you must stay with her after so long and help her through this. Also a sense of playing the victim on her part. In the context that she can fall back on her illness as a means of making you feel guilty when things don't go her way. It is essentially manipulation of you via her illness.

Its a rock and a hard place that you are stuck in there.

She has sought help for the illness, but is still in helpless mode. Given that everybody close to her has gone, you are all thats left. It seem that the guilt is what she is using to binding you to her, possibly through fear.

Its hard, but have you thought of perhaps going yourself or together to counselling to see if her behaviour can be altered or recognised for what it is. For to be perfectly frank, her lifestyle is not condusive to a continued improvement and the realtionship is not healthy for both of you.

Talliesin

I think there's a lot to those traditions that have a vow in marriage of "in sickness and in health". There's a lot to admire in making a promise that no matter what happens in that regard, that you'll be there for that person.

However, you haven't made that vow. You can't be kept to a promise you haven't made.

It would be admirable for you to decide to continue being her nurse, but you are not under any obligation to do so.

You don't sound like you're a boyfriend. You sound like you're a friend, a very very good friend, but not a boyfriend.

I certainly am not going to say I think you should do either. I do think though that either way you'll be better off if you don't feel obligated. If you decide to split-up with her you'll feel less guilty, and if you decide to stay with her you'll harbour less resentment if you feel you really are doing it out of love rather than because you had no choice.

MojoMaker

Dude, we don't know her from Adam, what mystery illness does she have?

LegacyUser

I think there is a possibility here that she is controlling you with the use of her illness.
I know all about depression having suffered myself to varying degrees on a number of occassions. You have to be able to recognise it, acknowledge it and deal with it. Is she going for councelling of some kind or perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy. you have to want to help yourself. You can do nothing to help her and must protect your own sanity. You are to an extent feeding her depression by walking on egg shells around her.
I have a sister at the moment in your situation, except I feel hers is slightly worse as there are kids involved and not so nice threats made - long story and this post is not about her but about you.
Look after yourself. You can not put a high enough price on your health especially your mental health.
Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

MojoMaker wrote:

Dude, we don't know her from Adam, what mystery illness does she have?

Does it really matter, not being smart but I didn't really want to start discussin the illness of the girl I'm going to have to leave after nearly 10 years

Amazotheamazing

This is a bit off, but is there any chance that her dependance on you is actually holding back her recovery?

LegacyUser

Thats an interesting perspective. I guess it could be. Her dependence on me means she doesn't have to do anything for herself.
She'll never break the cycle if she doesn't get out there and try.
Think we broke up last night BTW

tbh

I'll just say this. There is nothing right or wrong in the universe - there are only points of view.

kryogen

ok, firstly i am not going to try make you feel bad or anything, i try to judge as little as possible.

you have mentioned that your GF has gained weight and your not attracted to her anymore, ask yourself if this new girl gets sick do you think you would stick around with her? or would you find another old pal to fulfill your sexual needs?

have you maybe thought about seeking professional help? you say you are feeling depressed, and since you are using this other girl to make you feel good why not try some therapy? or mabye both you and your GF should consider going to see someone professional to talk about your issues.

i assume your GF doesnt know alot about how you feel right now as im sure your trying to keep it to yourself because you dont want to burden her maybe. but one thing is certain, you cant carry on in this situation. its not fair to anybody, not your GF not the other girl and not even you! and can you imagine the guilt you would feel if and when your GF finds out? it will crush her and are you sure you would be able to cope with knowing that you did that to a seriously sick person?

it doesnt sound like you can stay with GF though IMO. you dont seem to be able to give the kind of care and commitment that she will require and i am again not blaming you, but i think you should probably end your romantic relationship with her if you cant re affirm your connection with her. there is no rule saying you cant give her emotional support and be her friend and still be there for her just because you are no longer romantically involved.

you get one shot at life, there is no practise runs so you have to do everything in your power to make you and those you care about happy. you are not happy now, so if you cant talk through your problems with the GF then do the decent thing and have enough respect for her to stop lying to her. just make sure she knows that you will still be there for her and you still care very deeply for her.

apologies for long reply

Ickle Magoo

What would you do if she wasn't ill? Try taking her illness & depression out of the equation & work out how you feel. Would you still be with her if she wasn't so reliant on you or you felt you would do more than the usual amount of hurt if you do/have split?

I don't agree with what you did but I have a lot of sympathy for the position you are in. Depression is a selfish, self-serving illness. It's very, very hard to live with & love someone who is in the depths of depression. You get no support or love or caring yourself & giving, giving, giving while a partner takes, takes, takes is no fun - if someone offered to give you some small piece of love & comfort, I don't blame you for jumping at the chance.

You need to get straight in your head the reasons you want to be with her (if you do?) & make sure those don't include obligation, guilt, manipulation, etc - by the same token make sure you aren't throwing away a relationship & person you love because things are so hard going at the moment & someone else has offered you a quick happy-fix. Would you consider counselling? I think discussing your situation open & honestly with a third party would go a long way to understanding exactly how you feel. That is if you haven't split up, of course. Best of luck

Marksie

RegLess wrote:

Thats an interesting perspective. I guess it could be. Her dependence on me means she doesn't have to do anything for herself.
She'll never break the cycle if she doesn't get out there and try.

Yes, I agree to an extent with that.

RegLess wrote:

Think we broke up last night BTW

It may give you both time to think OP, you could do with the space for a while i think.
It may also help you and your partner in the long run.

patrickolee

You gotta break up with the girlfriend as soon as possible, for both your sakes. It is going to happen anyway, better for her and you that you do it sooner rather than later. You never know it might make her happier as it may force her to get out of a rut.

LegacyUser

'i can't see any option but to end the relationship, you are both unhappy. life is too short to wallow in indesicivness.


i was in a simialr position last year, in a long term relationship, wasn't getting much enjoyment out of it, ended up in bed with a friend, the whole thing made me miserable. I broke up with the girlfriend, and it's changed my life completly for the positive. It's only looking back now that I see how unhappy I was. Things are the complete opposite now for me in so many ways. It takes balls, but you need to man up, think of yourself, leave your girlfriend and go and live life.'