Noah's Ark

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but
no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained
planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is
development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was
another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them
and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to
protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that
I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint
with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm
supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my
sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building
experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive
me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The Iriish government
beat me to it."