Should I put it all behind and move on?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend of 3.5 years left me 3 months ago because she said we rarely socialise together and when we do it's just about me doing drugs. I was really out of control at the time and can understand her feeling like that. The days before she broke up with me she was telling me how much she loved me and that she wasn't going to leave me but things have got to change. Then the next day she was acting really off with me and tells me that she doesn't love me anymore even though she told me the day before that she did. She said her feelings towards me were just not the same anymore and that we needed a break. I left it a week before texting her but she said nothing has changed and she still feels the same. Apparently she was just sick of worrying about me and said we needed some serious time apart so she could look after her own happiness.

We left contact for quite a while and then I text her asking her if she would like to meet up for dinner and she said she would. I was kind of hopeful that she would be interested in working things out but she said she wasn't yet and especially because she has travel plans and is currently away on a 5 week holiday with friends. I said I would leave it because she probably has no interest in me at all.

More time has passed and I really miss her so I e-mailed her and said I hope she has a great holiday and that i'd like to catch up with her when she gets back. She replied and was asking how I am and just general caht and also said she would give me a shout when she gets home to see everythings going.

At no stage did she say that this was definitely it. Her last word on it was that we said we would leave it for a few months and see where we were at and then decide.

Do you think I should move on? Am I putting myself through more hurt? I can't stop thinking about her and I love her so much. I can't accept that she just stopped loving me one day and never thinks about me or anything.

I'm really depressed over this at the moment and am considering some pretty depressing things.

jellie

I think you should try move on. waiting & hoping is just dragging out the pain. as hard as it is to do, try just get yourself to understand that its over. try keep busy.

if she comes back & things go well & you get back together, then great. but you cant wait around hoping, it will just wreck your head. what happens if you hold out waiting on her & she comes home having met a new guy on holidays? a lot can happen in 5 weeks.

i hope you can work through this.

Wibbs

The best way to look at this? You're not on a break. Breaks = breakups 99.99999999% of the time. Your old relationship is over. Face that.

Try to understand why from both sides. Move on from that. That however is not to say you won't have a new relationship with this woman, but it will only happen if the pair of you agree to bury the old one after working out and changing what may have caused it's demise. Otherwise you'll be back here in weeks or months wondering what went wrong. Other than incompatibility this is the biggest reason getting back with exes fails. The thing that breaks them up in the first place comes back with renewed vigour and finally breaks them up for good. The exes who do get back together and work out these problems usually have a stronger relationship than those couples who have never broken up though as working through a problem together like this prepares them better for the stress and strains of a long future together. Problem free couple can often implode at the first sign of trouble.

In the end, work on yourself. Knock the drugs business on the head and socialise more. I suspect it was more than the odd toot on a spliff too. It's like when people say they left someone because of drinking, it's hardly a glass of wine twice a week that makes them leave. Is it?

Anyway, work on yourself. Back up your words with actions and she will see that and then it's up to her. Working on the betterment of yourself is very good for you and your future and increases your chances of getting a new relationship with this woman by a 1000%.

boffin

Have you done anything to fix the problems that causes the breakup?? - i.e. the drugs. I think unless you have changed the drugs you should leave it alone. Your girlfriend maybe still loves you but has decided that you are not good for her the way you are at the moment.

LegacyUser

boffin wrote:

Have you done anything to fix the problems that causes the breakup?? - i.e. the drugs. I think unless you have changed the drugs you should leave it alone. Your girlfriend maybe still loves you but has decided that you are not good for her the way you are at the moment.

Yeah I have addressed my problems since day one that this happened. I was on medication for my head that I am now off and I am currently attending counselling to further help me. I have got my stuff together and i've been letting her know this.

I'm hopeful that this may be the case. She said she knows she is good for me but I am not good for her because she used to worry about me. Maybe when we meet up and she sees for herself how much healthier I look and how my habits have changed she might give me a second chance.

I can also accept that our last relationship is over and we would really have to start from scratch. I think we could do it and become strong but thats just my opinion on it unfortunately.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend for pretty much the same reasons ie worrying constantly about his drug abuse and the effect it was having on our relationship. I loved him dearly but i chose to listen to my head instead of my heart and think of my future and happiness. But just because I broke up him does not mean that I stopped loving him or thinking about him. Its been a month now and there hasn't been a day that i haven't thought of him. i guess what im trying to say is that your gilrfriend sounds like she needed time out. not from you but from having to worry about you. You need to give yourself time and give her time too to see how things pan out. Trust me if you want her back your going to have to do some cleaning up and stick to it. But don't think that she has completly forgotten about you. I doubt that very much. .3.5 years is a long time to erase someone from your memory just like that. Hope all goes well..

LegacyUser

'Would you ever get back with him if he cleaned his act up and stuck to it? I have cleaned my act up and i'm willing to do alot to get this woman back in my life.

Hearing that she hasn't just totally forgotten about me from someone makes me feel a bit happier because thats the scariest thing for me, the thought of her just erasing me from her life and not caring.

unreg22 wrote:

I broke up with my boyfriend for pretty much the same reasons ie worrying constantly about his drug abuse and the effect it was having on our relationship. I loved him dearly but i chose to listen to my head instead of my heart and think of my future and happiness. But just because I broke up him does not mean that I stopped loving him or thinking about him. Its been a month now and there hasn't been a day that i haven't thought of him. i guess what im trying to say is that your gilrfriend sounds like she needed time out. not from you but from having to worry about you. You need to give yourself time and give her time too to see how things pan out. Trust me if you want her back your going to have to do some cleaning up and stick to it. But don't think that she has completly forgotten about you. I doubt that very much. .3.5 years is a long time to erase someone from your memory just like that. Hope all goes well..

'

Talliesin

Look at this from her point of view.

Chances are the poor woman loved you. But you were a waster. She copped herself on and got out of a bad situation.

Now, let's say you get your act together. If she has any sense she's trying to get over you. With any given waster the chances of them responding to any given kick up the ass by actually getting themselves sorted out is pretty low. Whatever the reality of the situation, she has the remember that as far as she knows you probably aren't going to get any better any time soon. Eventually you'll probably cop yourself on to some extent, but she has to accept that it's probably not worth waiting for.

Also there's a risk from her point of view that you'll react to her dumping you by sorting yourself out but once you're at all comfortable in a relationship with her again it'll all go back to the way it was.

If she'd posted her point of view on this forum you'd read a lot of people telling her to not bother contacting you again and to just cut you out.

Hurt wrote:

I can't accept that she just stopped loving me one day and never thinks about me or anything.

Aww, diddums.

The chances are that she didn't just stop loving you one day and that while she'd been feeling less and less love for you for some time she does still have some love for you and does think about you.

The thing you have to accept though is that to any perspective other than your own, this is a bad thing.

You are a waster. She was in love with a waster. This was not good.

Hurt wrote:

I have cleaned my act up and i'm willing to do alot to get this woman back in my life

*swoon* my hero :rolleyes:

Gods, get over yourself. You make it sound like your going to gallop in on a white charger and slay a dragon for her.

You're not. Nor is that needed. What's needed is for you to stop being a waster.

You don't need to do anything for her. Quite the opposite. The last thing she needs is for you to have a burst of activity aimed at pleasing her, because it's not about her, it's about you.

You can only stop being a waster for yourself. If you don't then any relationship is built on sand. Put first things first, get yourself genuinely sorted out, and then see where you are.

JCDUB

Talliesin wrote:

But you were a waster.

You are a waster. She was in love with a waster.

What's needed is for you to stop being a waster.

QUOTE]

Jesus Tallies that's a very constructive post. You don't know his circumstances or anything about his drug consumption.

How is the view form up there on the moral high ground?

azezil

Being in a relationship where you're constantly worried about your partner is absolutely horrible, it can lead you to do things you later regret.

I doubt very much she has just forgotten about you but is blocking you out because it just hurt too much to care about you.

You're not going to win her back, if you truly love her, the best thing you can do for both of you is just move on and learn from your mistakes.

LegacyUser

'

azezil wrote:

Being in a relationship where you're constantly worried about your partner is absolutely horrible, it can lead you to do things you later regret.

I doubt very much she has just forgotten about you but is blocking you out because it just hurt too much to care about you.

You're not going to win her back, if you truly love her, the best thing you can do for both of you is just move on and learn from your mistakes.

I think Azezil is right here. I dunno whether I would want to go back to the relationship I had as I would be afraid that I would be dissapointed later on in life. Move on from her and take time out for yourself. It hurts at first but time is seriously a great healer. Learn from your mistakes and if you do find someone else later on you can start from a clean fresh page. There is no point in trying to change for someone else except for yourself. Otherwise it is pointless. As for your girlfriend let her make her own decisions. Don't try and cajole her to get back with you. Give her the space she needs and you never know maybe down the line you will end up being really good mates!'

Talliesin

JCDUB wrote:

Jesus Tallies that's a very constructive post.

Thank you.

JCDUB wrote:

You don't know his circumstances or anything about his drug consumption.

Sure I do. I know from what the OP said about being out of control.

And that's it. He can't fix things between him and her unless he's fixed things with himself and done that for himself.

Alternatively he can decide he's happy enough with that as it is. In that case they just aren't suited for each other.

Evil Phil

Hurt wrote:

'Would you ever get back with him if he cleaned his act up and stuck to it? I have cleaned my act up and i'm willing to do alot to get this woman back in my life.

Putting aside some of the judgemental criticism in this thread. You've said yourself you were out of control and that you've regained control and are now attending counselling.

Good for you, thats a big step to take so give yourself a pat on the back.

I don't think you were a waster, because of people in my life I know something about the causes of substance abuse. However, you need to do this for you not for somebody else. Can you see the benefits of your course of action even if you don't win your ex back? If she said to you tomorrow that she's never coming back to you would you give this up and go back to the partying?
I hope you stay the course. This dark stage in your life will pass and you'll be a better and stronger person for it.

Luckyduck

Just putting in my two pence of advice. I think its great that you are sorting yourself out, sometimes it can be an event, a person, anything that can start a person trying to sort themselves out. I don't believe anyone is a waster as obviously there were issues that caused you to take drugs. I have a friend and she used to drink way too much, she met a lovely guy. Went out with him, they broke up because she wouldn't stop partying...she had an accident, copped on and they got back together, got married and have 3 great kids! Not saying this will happen to you but the thing is she concentrated on herself, realised for herself and then everything fell into place. Maybe your relationship is beyond repair but at least either way you have the possibility of a good friendship.

Talliesin

Luckyduck wrote:

I don't believe anyone is a waster

Oh, I was definitely a waster for a brief period, so I'm quite sure people can be but I'm also sure it's not a permanent condition.