Advice needed

TIStatNtother

I met an irish girl from laois im an english guy from the uk and ur wondering what the hell is an english guy doing on a irish forum...well i need some advice

here the story

i met this girl online and we got close we met just before christmas and spent a weekend togther...now this is when we got serious....she told me she loved me and wanted a life with me...so anyway she said she couldnt do it yet cause she was still in the x`s house so okay i agreed ...then she got her own place and more exscuses started her kids needed to agree so okay i said i agree with that...then it was she wanted her seperation papers thats all she ever wanted so i agreed to that to.........now she has her own house and the exscuses are still pouring out now she has to have surgery and she will move to uk after the surgery...well i offerd to come take care of her in ireland and leave my life in the uk behind me...so anyway i put this to her she said im doing it my way either u wait till after the operation or u dont........thats ur choice....now i do love this girl prolly the only girl i ever properly loved 100% i have offerd her my love and a life and she keeps wanting more time more time........am i wasting my time i need to hear the truth no matter how hard it is.....i think about her all the time but i think i no its never going to happen any 1 got any advice pls i need it. its got so bad my heads a mess i found myself at 4am 3 days ago staring at 400 paracetamol and a bottle of vodka my heads a mess i cant think straight im not sleeping eating my head wont let me stop thinking im so low i never laugh smile go out the house......i need some advice plssssssss.

Miss Fluff

Sounds like she is fobbing you off. Suggest booking a definite date for her and the kids to fly over and see what she says. Is it always you that calls her?

Carrigart Exile

she's finally got freedom and is understandibly not wanting to give it up too soon. Why don't you all go on holiday for a week together, see how you all get on, you may find you are also glad to take things a little slower

dlofnep

Ah jesus man, she's playing with your head. On the off-chance that she actually cares about you but is just enjoying freedom - explain to her how you feel and if nothing in the short-term future is going to come of it - cut her loose.

Beruthiel

If it were me, I'd tell her she has a week to come to a decision, if she cannot come to one after that time, then bye, bye, you'll be moving on with your life.
She is defo putting you on the long finger and is getting away with it because you have allowed this situation to happen.
Life is too short for you to be putting yourself 'on hold' in the hopes she gets her act together.

Wibbs

I have to agree with Beruthiel on this. You'll have to force her hand to get out of this limbo you're in currently. There's something about the manner, speed and now this back and forth nonsense in this relationship that rings alarm bells for me. It feels like she may have "used" you as a bridge from her old life to her new one. Might not even have been conscious on her part either. Common enough. It may be that or none of the things we're thinking of here. Either way you need to find out where you stand.

I also agree with Beruthiel when she says there's no point waiting around for someone to get their act together. If they ever do get their act together it's often with someone else.

TIStatNtother

i have and all she says that she will move to uk when she has had her surgery but she has said i can come there 5-6 times before and nottins come of it so whats going to be different after the surgery ..looks to me like u guys are right...she used me to get through her hard times with her x i think its time i moved on in life thxs for ur advice guys......but maybe i have been a fool all along to be played the way i have i even asked her to come to uk live with me cause she doesnt like ireland she refused.....i think its time i moved on,,,

TIStatNtother

i took ur advice gave her an ultimatum not after the surgery not latta down the line.............her answer was when i decide or nottin so i guess she has been playing me for a fool ..awww well im to soft and she new it

4Xcut

Fair play for making an unpleasent decision, there was never a nice option but luckily for you, you picked the right one.

TIStatNtother

hope i did make the right one but in the back of my head i no i did ....just dont want to admit it......i did love that girl very much i feel used and a idiot

Beruthiel

No need to feel like an idiot, you did right by someone and they took advantage, if anything she is the one who should feel shame.

TIStatNtother

hello all im his brother he lets me use his pc im so worried about him..he never leaves the house..he is drinking like a fish...i acctually caught him 2am the other night with a bottle of whiskey and 12 boxes of painkiller`s.....he is so depressed and im worried to hell about him...this girl has messed him up so bad i dont recognise him he has lost so much weight never sleeps drinks never eats....u no ur all thinking its a girl but he acctually loved her for real and even asked her to marry him she said yes and then all the lies and head games started ....i need some advice to make him snap out of it cause at this rate..he is going to do something silly......i can see it in his eyes all the lifes gone from him....he didnt deserve what he got my brother is a good person and what has happend has made me angry........please any advice would be great as 2 what i have to say to make him listen and see sense.................ty

limklad

My only advice is to talk to him without judgement.

He has been very very unlucky he pick a woman with a head case who abuse his love for her and used him in such a way, even if she going through a bad time with a breakup with the previous releationship.

She used him to fill her insecurity that she wanted to feel loved by other men, better phrase for this is "selfish love".

Tell him that they are definetly more and a hell of a lot better fish in the sea.

comongethappy

Tell him that it hurts a lot right now, but it will get better. Tell him it's better that he didn't go over, marry her, become attached to her children, only to find out maybe she was with another man (or her ex still) and lose a lot more.

Get him off drink - it will only make him more depressed. Pour all the drink out in the house, bin the painkillers away from home. Watch him - let him know you're their to talk or just to listen to him cry. This girl isn't worth his life. And he sounds like a man with a lot of love to give that will make a woman one day very happy, and vice versa. Tell him to focus on getting himself better at the moment, love will come in time.

TIStatNtother

well were do i start here......i cant keep a watch on him 24/7 i have my own family he is drinking like a fish i pour it away he goes bye more.....he is heading for a disater ......i can see it i just cant understand what she has done its like she has brain washed him or something im at the end of my tether i dunno what the hell to do..........this is not been dramatic but i can see me arriving one morning and him hung from a rope or something........i think he needs professional help im going to ring the doctor.what the hell has she done to him .anyway ty all for ur help and sincere kindness ........his brother

SarahSassy

OP, you dont sound stable at the moment and maybe the girl realises that and does not want any more instability into her kids lives right now. They have been through a separation and moving out of their Dad's house. Now their Mother has a new boyfriend and she is talking about moving (I assume the kids too) to England.

One question - have you been telling her that you are suicidal?? She has been giving you mixed signals alright but if you are threatening suicide she may be scared to finish with you and scared of what you might do...... This could be her way to back out of the relationship gently......

If she does want to he in the relationship, she is obviously proceeding slowly and I guess it is for her kids sakes. Get some counselling, get your act together and then come back to her when you are capable of taking a responsible role in their lives.

TIStatNtother

no this isnt the person in question this is his brother this all started when she promised him to move there it was cancelled.then she was coming here canceled exscuse after exscuse she gave to my brother and she has messed his head so bad ...my brother never threatend to kill himself at all...this all started after the story above after a yr and a half oh her playing mind games with him...sorry if u were confused im his brother im asking for advice on behalf of him i just dont no what to do anymore.with him he has lost the will to live im wondering what she did to him he wont speak to me or his family in anyway its like he is in a deep dark hole and i cant seem to bring him out of it...........ive called the doctors gave him sleeping tablets and medication but this guy i see now isnt my brother i no from 1 1/2 yrs ago hes a mess mentaly and physically........she has ruined a happy go lucky lad and made him into a mess.........what should i do pls cause as his brother i love him and i want th best for him...i just dont dont no what the best solution is for him thats the trouble...........

SarahSassy

He needs to go see a professional counsellor.