Disagreement about where to live ?? (Sorry so long)

LegacyUser

I appreciate any thought on my current situation, it has been constantly in my head for the last 2 weeks & looking to get some people's opinions, prior to discussing this with my parents & close friends

I have been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, and we have been living together happily for the last year. He has a site near his family home which we have been considering building a house on - we even went to see a local architect for an initial chat / consultation

However, over the last 2 weeks I have been having serious second thoughts for the following reasons:-

(1) I am not originally from the same county as my boyfriend - I moved here especially for him. I have a good job, but very few friends (& obviously my parents don't live here either) This is not a huge issue now as I can go home most weekends but undoubtedly down the road if we are married & have kids etc... this won't be as easy anymore. I am afraid of feeling trapped & lonely in an area where I will not know anyone except my boyfriend & his family - with no support of my own

(2) We are currently living in a city, however the site is aprox 40 minutes out of the city in the remote countryside. I grew up in the country myself & would like to eventually settle in the country - but this area is VERY quiet, located between 2 very small villages, of which my boyfriend or his family rarely go out in /socialise in. There are no taxi services locally & if he or his siblings go out in the vicinity, lifts need to be arranged in advance or they stay somewhere else. A round trip taxi fare into the city for a night out would certainly cost approx €100 & realistically would be out of the question. My fear again is that I will feel trapped / confined etc....

(3) If I move to his area, I will be living right by all his family (his parents & his brothers & sisters as they are all living there / plan to live there - 5 in total) This in itself is not a problem, as they are all lovely & I get on well with them, but again there is no way he would consider living near my family

I am willing to stay & live in this county with my boyfriend (he refuses point blank to move to my county) provided there is some compromise on location. There are plenty other areas approx halfway beween my home place & his (still living in his county & nearer his house than mine) but he refuses to even contemplate living anywhere except his own "site".

I can understand this from a monetary perspective, however I would prefer to live in a smaller house than contemplating future happiness. He on the other hand wants to build a huge two storey house & this is only possible if we / he builds on his site.

I am beginning to feel slightly resentful of him, as I have already compromised hugely by moving here, yet he won't even consider contemplating living somewhere else other than his own site. He says he wants to get engaged soon / can't wait to have kids etc... but it is all on his terms...i.e only if we live where he wants to live. Surely if he really loved me, he would even discuss this with me

He has started making me feel guilty by saying "ok I am going to tell my parents tomorrow that you don't want to live there....etc..etc.." knowing that that will freak me out, as they are very nice & I would not like to seem ungrateful.

All in all I am just feeling annoyed that it is automatically expected of me to live in this area, with no room for discussion of any alternattives, knowing that it is SO quiet & I will be settling for a life away from my own parents / friends.

Any thoughts, or has anyone had to make a similiar decision? Thanks in advance

Miss Fluff

From your post I'd surmise that he is completely rail-roading you into it. Bear in mind that your first home is rarely the house you will live in for the rest of your life. By the same token, if you are paying for half of it you should at least be happy with it's location. I'd put the brakes on investing a single cent into it until you are both happy with the decision. Don't be bullied.

jd83

Yh he is rail roading you, i know that if you have your own site its cheaper and all that but whats the point if your not happy. You need to sit him down and explain you issues with it as it could cause huge problems down the road. You both should have equal say where you life, maybe discuss different options like selling the site and buying elsewhere. There is no point in having a big huge house if your not happy with its location, it will quickly turn into a big huge prison. Hope you work trhings out op.

Carrigart Exile

You've got land, invest in it, they are not making any more. Tell boyfriend that you are happy to go ahead on teh basis that this is an investment property with a view to living in it for a short time before selling it to make a profit and buy a house where you both can live happily.

easyontheeye

a freind of mine (and not the only one might i add, a female friend of mine has since separated and moved back to dublin) is in the same situation as you, he moved to a really remote part of the country. about 50 mins from dublin (in good traffic). his family friends, job...its all in Dublin. the lad is depressed. even when a friend is having a birthday its an expensive night out having to find somewhere to stay the night, taxis...etc . He cant go out ad hoc when he feels like, has to pre plan everything. seriously looking at him it just aint worth it! he has two nephews and 3 nieces and they hardly recognise him because he cant visit his family that much.

i was thinking of moving somewhere down the country myself but now i have seriously backtracked. no way in hell would i do it

dont give up your quality of life...without that what have you got? it seems like hes getting everything his way. he has all his freinds and family around him..what will you have?

i just have to add, this is a huge decision so make sure your 100% happy! its your life. i just re read your post and i didnt see compromise on his part! could this be the start of things to come? quite frankly **** his parents, they have no part to play in this.

daiixi

Why don't you arrange to have coffee with his mum and explain your situation to her? Maybe she'll be able to talk to your boyfriend and help him see your point of view. If not, well you have a choice to make. It's your life and your happiness, you've the right to be selfish about it too. Of course that may mean the end of your relationship.

justsomebloke

Carrigart Exile wrote:

You've got land, invest in it, they are not making any more. Tell boyfriend that you are happy to go ahead on teh basis that this is an investment property with a view to living in it for a short time before selling it to make a profit and buy a house where you both can live happily.

yes but if she does this chances are that they will never move out, as he will put his foot down and he will initally probably agree to it to please the OP but would actually have no real intentions of moving in the future

homah_7ft

Are you sure you want to be with this chap? I get the feeling that he will only accept things his way and that doesn't bode well for the long term.

Beruthiel

The bottom line is this, when choosing where to live, both people in the relationship have to be happy with what ever decision is reached.
Anything else, is just total shelfishness on one persons part.
Me personally, I couldn't live anywhere near his or my parents.

kmick

I think you should stand your ground and tell him the whole moving to the middle of timbuctoo is out of the question. Draw a line in the sand now or this thing will get out of control.

So what if he tells his mother you don't want to Live there. Its the truth and I dont think she will personally be put out about it if she is any way decent.

Bottom line is this if he wants to stay with you he will compromise. There is another side to that coin which is maybe he will go ahead without you. In that case I hope he is happy living at home beside his mammy.

seamus

I think you need to make it perfectly clear that you are standing firm on this one. He's playing the stubborn card in the hope that you'll give in - i.e. he doesn't believe that you feel as strongly as he does about the situation.

You need to lay out your stall exactly as it is, and don't focus too much on sparing his feelings. Particularly when family comes into it, it's all to easy to make up reasons why you don't want to live near them.

My gf's parents have bought a large piece of land and are building a house on it, she suggested that I move into the new house with them (it's closer to everything), and only in passing made the suggestion that we might build a small house on the land. I had to shoot it down straight away, my reasons were:

1. Living in her parents house means that I'm eternally a guest. I would never be able to relax and stick my feet up. It would be like being at home again, only worse.

2. Living right beside her parents would pretty much guarantee that privacy is eroded. Every second night would end up being dinner in the other house, and when kids eventually do come along, having the grandparents 30 seconds away can be both a curse and a blessing. If someone has to make an effort to get to me (i.e. drive), then they're not just going to pop around when they're bored or lonely.

Like Ber says, I couldn't live close to her parents or my parents. In your case, I find his family's obsession with all living close to eachother a little creepy.

cold_filter

I was in a similarish situation with my GF, when we decided to buy our own home, she wanted to live in dublin shes originally from the far west! Where as i am from dublin and would have preferred to live in the country with space and a good size garden. It took quite a while but we compromised and now we are both happier.

Could you maybe sell the site and move somewhere closer to your home?

The Sweeper

OP

The most striking bit of your post, for me, was where you say you're starting to resent your bf a little.

Resentment is poisonous in a relationship. He thinks he's providing for you and there's no reason for you not to want to do things his way - you've GOT to let him know otherwise.

It is not unreasonable to not want to live near his family.
It is not unreasonable for you to want to live somewhere you BOTH want.
It is not unreasonable for you to want to be HEARD on such an important matter.

I've moved to Australia with my other half in April 2007 and we moved in with my mother in law. I didn't want to live here for more than three months. We're still here. It's the single greatest cause of strife in our relationship (in my opinion). I am utterly isolated out here - UTTERLY. The public transport is rubbish and I don't drive (I have a full license but I hate driving with a passion) and even to get to the shops for bread and milk, I'd have to be driving.

So I spend all day every day in the house. I work at home, so at lot of the time I can spend glued to the PC which is something of a saving grace for my sanity, but at the same time, there are days when I utterly resent everyone around me for the situation I am in. I think I made a massive concession in our relationship moving thousands of miles from everyone I know, leaving my family and friends and starting life anew, which is a decision I considered at length and finally concluded that it was in the best interests of both of us.

Feeling the same courtesy of consideration hadn't been extended to me - well frankly that's been a killer.

So from personal experience - lay it all on the line. Be as blunt and as honest as you can be - and don't worry about looking selfish. It's not selfish to extricate yourself from a situation where you make all the concessions. You have to do what's right for you - and from what you've said so far, his plan isn't right for you.

If you allow yourself to be persuaded that to go along with this, that resentment will grow. It will colour your whole relationship. It will develop into bitterness - and most importantly, letting him do this entirely on his terms may put you in the position where he NEVER concedes an inch to you on anything again. You simply cannot live your life to please someone else. You won't be able to keep it up, and if you finally crack he'll be confused as to why you've cracked - after all, you did go along with all his choices, didn't you...

Sleepy

Let him go tell his mum you don't want to live on the site. It's not like your reasons for it are unreasonable.

Carrigart Exile makes a good point about building the house with him and moving on once you can afford something nearer where you want to live but tbh, it sounds like your boyfriend's a stubborn prick who would lead you along with the promise of moving closer and then go back on that promise. Tell him to cut the apron strings (or maybe see if you can enlist his mother's help in doing so).

Beruthiel

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Feeling the same courtesy of consideration hadn't been extended to me - well frankly that's been a killer. ..

I hope you doing something to sort that out before it becomes a serious issue between ye?
I'd rather live in a one room bedsit than an in law or parent, that's how strongly I feel about this.
My privacy is so important to me, as seamus said, being able to put your feet up on the table, walk around in your pj's all day if you want to, having the total run of your own gaf is an absolute must for me and I could never compromise that.

The Sweeper

Beruthiel wrote:

I hope you doing something to sort that out before it becomes a serious issue between ye?
I'd rather live in a one room bedsit than an in law or parent, that's how strongly I feel about this.
My privacy is so important to me, as seamus said, being able to put your feet up on the table, walk around in your pj's all day if you want to, having the total run of your own gaf is an absolute must for me and I could never compromise that.

Yeah, working on it.

Going to try and see about buying somewhere, but if we can't buy then we've got to rent. If we don't rent I'll end up utterly despising my MIL - and she's a nice person, it's just plain craziness to expect two of us to coexist in the one house.

At the moment I find living here exhausting - it's one thing coping with your partner's moods, another thing entirely coping with the moods of an in-law. Still, taking a time out with my month back in the UK & Ireland soon and I'm hoping to return to Oz with a reservoir of relaxation and patience and the drive to sort out our living arrangements.

You're dead right about not giving in on something you feel strongly about - it'll just end in tears if you do.

Beruthiel

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

If we don't rent I'll end up utterly despising my MIL - and she's a nice person

I understand completely, his ma is dead nice also and would bend over backwards for you, but I can't stay longer than 3 days in her house, before I'd start to loose it. Three months would be totally out of the question!

You're dead right about not giving in on something you feel strongly about

It's an issue that's not worth loosing a relationship over. A relevant point for the OP, if both people are interested in keeping their relationship a happy place to be, then this should not be something that causes problems, a happy medium must be found that works for both people.

Talliesin

Anon2 wrote:

I am beginning to feel slightly resentful of him, as I have already compromised hugely by moving here,

Does he realise that it was a compromise?

Just about anyone will say that compromise is important in a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of the time we don't acknowledge the compromise.

Firstly, we are generally genuinely happy to make compromises for those we love. We don't make much of them simply because they are something that we are more than prepared to do.

Secondly, if you imagine any sort of romantic ideal of a "perfect couple" then you probably don't picture them having to compromise much, but rather as having their goals and dreams so closely aligned that what one wants is also what the other wants. All but the most cynical of us want to have something close to that. Even those who don't believe in couples would like something where things just automatically worked out. As such we're always at least slightly motivated to not acknowledge to ourselves that we're making a compromise and if one does express that something is a compromise then ones partner is motivated to not fully acknowledge the extent of that compromise.

However, if they aren't acknowledged as compromises then every little compromise can add up to a death of a thousand cuts to a relationship, and the harm of big compromises can linger forever.

It will foster resentment within you, and it will grow. If you let resentment grow then it'll eventually get to the point of when you will split up rather than if and who will be the one to call it quits rather than whether that could happen. And it'll take a long time to get to that point, which makes it a lot less pleasant in many ways than some of the other things that destroy relationships. Worse of all, if a couple is going through a period of uncertainty caused by a quick shock like discovery of infidelity there's a certain amount of putting things on hold until it works out one way or another. When you've got slow-burning resentment you're still building your life together (building the house, having children, making shared friends) at the same time that the resentment is growing and making the final death-blow all the more painful.

Whatever practical solution you come to regarding where you live, you can't let that resentment continue.

Compromise is indeed important in a relationship, but unacknowledged compromise is a killer.

Anon2 wrote:

He says he wants to get engaged soon / can't wait to have kids etc... but it is all on his terms...i.e only if we live where he wants to live. Surely if he really loved me, he would even discuss this with me

Love inspires people to do the right thing, but it's not enough to guarantee that they will, and it's absolutely useless at helping them work out what the right thing is.

From his point of view he may well be thinking "if she really loves me surely she would want what I want" or worse yet, assuming "she loves me, therefore she wants what I want".

As I said above, the archetypal "perfect couple" always want what each other wants. It doesn't actually work like that in the real world, but it can be easy for people to fool themselves into thinking that it does.

Anon2 wrote:

He has started making me feel guilty by saying "ok I am going to tell my parents tomorrow that you don't want to live there....etc..etc.." knowing that that will freak me out, as they are very nice & I would not like to seem ungrateful.

That's deliberately portraying things in the worse possible light, which is bull****ting. It's also taking the truth (you don't want to live there) and disingenuously misinterpreting your motives (suggesting that you wish to avoid his parents, which is dangerous bull****ting.

When someone is bull****ting you have to call them on it before the bull**** becomes "accepted". Simply do not allow that interpretation of the facts to enter into discussion.

Turbulent Bill

Reading between the lines, the OP's partner might be from a farming background, so using a site on the family farm might be a very big thing to him or his family. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but he may be angry that the OP is passing up what he sees as a golden opportunity - he needs to know the other side of the story.

Ickle Magoo

The only way relationships ever survive & grow is through talking, listening & compromising. You fella seems to be doing great in the talking stakes but I don't see much listening or compromising. It's your life too & you are entitled to have a life you enjoy & if that means a smaller house, half-way between his family & yours then I don't think that is anything other than a reasonable request.

I moved to Ireland for my DH & I can tell you from experience than no matter how big his wage, nice the house or whatever, it doesn't bring your friends or family any closer - and with two small children that makes life very hard at times.

Emotionally blackmailing you with threats of telling his family you don't want to live near them is just that & shouldn't be treated as anything else. In fact, I'd be more annoyed at the disregard he has for your feelings, wants & needs than the fact he has a preference to live close to home. :mad:

I agree with a lot of what Minesajackdaniels says. You have to lay it all on the line & both make the decision of what will work for you both or the resentment & blame escalates when the "outsider" inevitably finds things hard going. If your fella is only interested in what he wants & expects you to go along with it then you need to accept that his inability to take what you want into consideration is not healthy for you or your relationship. Hope you can talk some sense into him. Best of luck.

meglome

All the family of a friend of mine in the country all live around each other on the families land. It does seem to work for some of them but some of the marriages are in trouble. I've often been down there and they live in each others pockets which generally seems to suit the members of the family but not always their spouses. I personally wouldn't like it one bit, waaayyy to close for my tastes. I like my family I just wouldn't want to live next door to them.

I also know a few Dublin people who bought nice houses in Kildare and Meath but they sold their lives to get them. So yes they have a home but they now don't have much of a life.

LegacyUser

'Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read & reply. At least now I know I am not being completely unreasonable

Turbulent Bill wrote:

....but he may be angry that the OP is passing up what he sees as a golden opportunity - he needs to know the other side of the story.

This is exactly his thought at the moment "why would we forfeit a site, with houses & sites being so expensive etc.... " and it seems like he can't get past that mentally.

daiixi wrote:

Why don't you arrange to have coffee with his mum and explain your situation to her? Maybe she'll be able to talk to your boyfriend and help him see your point of view.

I get on quite well with one of his sisters & might be able to have a chat with her & explain my side

Thanks for all the advice & opinions - let's hope we can work something out - It would be a shame for 2 people in love & happy in ever other way, to have to go their seperate ways for the sake of money / a site.

Lots of discussions ahead '

The Sweeper

Hey Anon2 - last thing I'll say:

Stick by your guns on this one in your discussions.

See, the thing is, your other half does have a point - it's a site, it's less expensive to build, it's near a support network for at least one of you etc. etc. it makes financial sense and so on.

But you have to remember: all those plus points are worthless if you're unhappy. WORTHLESS. Don't let yourself be dissuaded from following your gut feeling by the apparent logic of going along with your other half's plan. I cannot stress how important that is.

In your heart of hearts you know this isn't going to make you happy - that WON'T CHANGE. No matter how convincing the argument about this being the right thing to do, you have to feel compromise is coming from somewhere, or it just won't work for you.

Carrigart Exile

jsb wrote:

yes but if she does this chances are that they will never move out, as he will put his foot down and he will initally probably agree to it to please the OP but would actually have no real intentions of moving in the future

Then that's what lawyers and Division and Sale is all about