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If you read this Alex...please Understand

  • 14-08-2007 8:03pm
    #1
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭


    I have a thing going with this character Alex in my head at the moment...A lot of my latest work is about him and his ex. So plaease bear with me, this is a letter from his ex to him...

    You know that if things were different, it would be me in that photograph; the snapshot of a life once lived, with you. That my arms would be those around your neck, our smiles colliding, skin on skin. You know this. I hope.
    You know that I would have given anything, life itself for an opportunity, but yet when it came to it I didn’t, did I? I wasn’t the one in that photograph because of a choice I made. I chose not to be. We all have our decisions. I decided what to do. You were always the one who could never make up your mind. Its amazing how we changed each other but couldn’t change ourselves no matter how much effort we put in, isn’t it? Its like we lost grip of everything we held close and changed everything without permission, and then when we chose to change back the initial form was gone, there was NOTHING to change back to.
    It’s strange that I was once the confident, party-attitude girl. I was the girl who loved nothing more than to sit in a field with my friends and a naggin of vodka and get pissed out of my mind. And you used to like that too. But Alex, you made me change, and that girl went away and she’s now missing. I want to find her again, because although I don’t want to be the little half alcoholic I was, I want to me again.
    You got to choose what your life was like Alex.
    I think.
    Why can’t I? I can’t conform to the rest of the world anymore, not the world I want to conform to. I’m now this shy girl who wants to be invisible most of the time. Its strange, my deepest desire is to be the girl I was, and she was SEEN, noticed, visible, but I live like I want to be the invisible girl I am. I blend in perfectly into the crowd, perfect camouflage behind books and DVDs and stuff. I put my own obstacles forward and I know that’s my fault but Alex, I can’t help it. You had your ways of dealing with life and I have mine. I sometimes wonder if yours were better. And then I shake myself and tell myself that your methods weren’t exactly what anyone would call “dealing”. That your methods weren’t the right direction. You just thought it was normal, routine, everyday activity. How wrong you were, Alex. But I guess its what kept you halfway sane, for a while. The pain went away. So did your anger. Your anger at…everything and everyone. Even me, the person you supposedly loved most in the whole world.
    It was my choice, my decision to walk away. It’s my fault I’m not in the photo and she is.
    Does that make what you did my fault too? If it does…I think I’m sorry. We’ve made our decisions. We’ve made our mistakes. I’m sorry.


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