An Issue

unreg342445

Ok, this is going to be long, I can feel it, so, apologies.

I have a girlfriend. We have only been going out a few months. I would class our relationship as "not fantastic". She has a tendancy to nag and get into huffs, and as such it makes me feel a little stressed, and I find even having a conversation with her a bit stressful sometimes, she can be very difficult. That said, I still have feelings for her. Because of the summer break and the fact that I'm in college, we are in different places for a couple of months.
I also have a female friend. I wouldnt say we were ever best friends or anything like that, but we'd meet up every now and then in college for a chat. I always enjoy talking to her. She is a very shy and kind person. Very different from my girlfriend. We'd meet up for a legitimate reason, which I'm not going into here, but it wasn't compulsory and neither was it just "hello random person, let's be friends"
Anyway, once again, I won't see her until after summer.
Well, over the summer I've noticed two things. Firstly I don't miss my girlfriend, simple as that. Secondly, I do miss my friend, and I feel more than "just friends" towards her. I find myself thinking about her a lot. I guess I did feel a bit like that before the summer, but because I'm with someone, I wouldn't have given it much thought. Before summer began there was a party and my friend and I were talking. I was just making some silly jokes and she was laughing away and hitting my arm, and then she stopped and said "i really like you...". Now I'm not sure how far to look into that, as she'd had a couple of drinks, and I guess she could have just meant "as a friend", but I must say, it didn't seem like that was what she was getting at... Anyway, I just deflected it with a jokey remark and said I had to go find my girlfriend(who was also at the party). This was not the first indication I'd had that she might have liked me...
Anyway, I think the perspective I've gained by being alone during the summer has led me to think that I would be a lot happier with my friend, and even if that doesn't happen, I should break up with my girlfriend anyway.
I'm a young guy, I have only had a couple of girlfriends so far, and they seem to fall into the "very bossy and demanding" category, which kind of makes me feel more stressed than I'd like. I really think I could be much happier with a girl like my friend, who is just a nice pleasant girl who I can talk and laugh with.
These two girls are not friends or close or anything like that.
Then again, maybe I'm just feeling that way about her because I've realised I don't like the way my girlfriend acts, and she seems to be different.. Maybe I'm deluding myself and she's just more pleasant because we aren't going out. Maybe all girlfriends are bossy and moody. I don't believe that though, they are a different type of person. Maybe my friend liked me a few months ago, but has now put me firmly into the "friends" bracket. She sends me emails every now and then telling me that she's really looking forward to seeing me and such, I know that doesn't mean much though...

missmatty

Right. Only going out with girl A a few months and the relationship doesn't sound great and you don't miss her when she's away. Finish this up. It's not fair on either of you.

Girl B: Sounds to me like she liked you but knew you were not fair game as with Girl A. I think this has possibilities.
She def sounds like more your type of person anyway.

Now what do YOU think you should do? I think you know.

milkerman

Hi,
Sounds to me like you have already made your decision and are just feeling a wee bit guilty about it. Doesn't matter if your GF is good or bad, you fancy someone else.
Be straight up and tell your GF you want to break up, tell her in person or by phone - NOT TEXT- be a gentleman always.
GF's will only be bossy & overbearing if YOU LET THEM.
GF's usually prefer the male to stand up and be counted as opposed to lying down & being mounted!

Zzippy

unreg342445 wrote:

Anyway, I think the perspective I've gained by being alone during the summer has led me to think that I would be a lot happier with my friend, and even if that doesn't happen, I should break up with my girlfriend anyway.

I think you've answered your own question there. Your friend sounds like a lovely girl, who by the sounds of it actually does like you, but was too nice to try to move in when you had a gf.
If you don't miss your gf, and she wrecks your head anyway, you do need to break up with her. Sure, give it a go with your friend, but even if that doesn't work out, you're better off then than you are with the current gf now...
Good luck!

Wibbs

Well I would get shot of the current girlfriend. From your point of view you don't miss her, the relationship isn't that fantastic and she is acting like a pain in arse according to yourself. Ditch her. Do it nicely though and none of this lets be friends nonsense, especially at first. Staying in the relationship is doing neither of you any good it seems. She may be a different person with someone else, so let her and you find out.

New girl. After you dump the current then see where you stand with her and take it from there. Be direct and let her know what you feel and what you want. You may get burned but that's the risk. there's always a risk in anything worthwhile so go for it.

Now as for your attraction to bossy demanding harpies. The fact is you yourself are attracted to that. It does something for you or you wouldn't end up with women like that. Certainly not stay with women like that. So in future, maybe look for a partner in a different way. I would also reckon how you act around them may bring this out(even in the most placid of people). If you're all dismissive and don't stand your ground you will tend to get that kind of behaviour in return. I'm not suggesting that you be all stupidly hairy chested and macho about this, but simply stand your ground. There's little worse in either gender than overbearing demanding behaviour.

I will say that is much more likely to happen in women if the men are acting way too passively. That's very common to see. Look at how many guys come on here friendzoned or not sure how to act or can't stand up for themselves, always the bridesmaid, never the bride, boo hoo Etc. There's a lot of that about. Over sensitive metrosexuals or boorish lager louts ate either end of the scale. If I was a woman I'd be getting píssed off myself. If the man won't make any decision or always backs off, or is over emotional, I'm frankly not surprised they get irritated and come over all naggy. From a male point of view that is very irritating in a woman as well. In a man it's social death.

Now there are people who are boors, pure and simple, but often it's as a reaction to others that those tendencies can come out. I know one woman who would tend to the demanding end of the spectrum. With her previous exes she had her moments(oh boy). Now she's going out with a man who treats her with respect and love, but expects the same from her and guess what? He gets it without asking for it. If you don't want to be a doormat, don't act like one. Personally, I don't stand for it and I don't allow it in myself. A relationship should be of equals with some tooing and froing and compromise.

Went a bit OT there, but what the hell.:D

Talliesin

unreg342445 wrote:

Anyway, I think the perspective I've gained by being alone during the summer has led me to think that I would be a lot happier with my friend, and even if that doesn't happen, I should break up with my girlfriend anyway.

Pretty much.

You have the "even if that doesn't happen" in there, so you don't seem to be falling for the trap of constructing a full-blown romance in your head before it has even begun.

It says something that you don't miss your girlfriend. It says something that you don't describe the relationship as something that brings you much happiness or improves anything. It's very early days, so it's possible that it could indeed turn into something better, but you pretty much read like someone who has a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. From what you've said, I don't think that's something that is going to last. You really don't seem to have much of a spark.

It really seems like that's a matter of the sooner it's over the better it is for both of you.

Your friend is another matter, while it says something that you don't miss your girlfriend it doesn't say "everything" that you do miss your friend. For one reason or another I didn't see a very good friend of mine for some months until recently and I certainly did miss her. But that's pretty much it. Friend not around, missing them; friend back, happier. End of story.

So, she's more than "just friends". I have a few people amongst my friends that aren't just friends - they're very, very important people to me, whom I consider as close as or closer than blood-kin. There's no "just" about it.

Maybe you'll find that this is the case between you and this friend of yours.

And then maybe the possibility that's at the front of your mind is the case and you should indeed become lovers as well as friends and try to build a relationship as partners.

Both of those are pretty damn good. Either of those possibilities are two of the best things you ever get in life.

Of course, this raises the risk that you might try for one such possibility and end up with neither. I wouldn't worry about that over-much to be honest. If you decide you want to make a go at a boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship, and tell her how you feel, and she doesn't reciprocate that feeling, then chances are it'll make things slightly awkward for a brief time but if you aren't mooning around like a love-sick puppy who's been kicked then the awkwardness will pass in no time.

Get yourself sorted out in terms of how you are with your girlfriend first.

Then (assuming you don't decide that there actually is more between you and your girlfriend and you didn't write that post in a moment of doubt about something that's otherwise worth going for) see how you feel about your friend when you next see her again. If you feel that the pull you feel towards her is of a romantic nature, then go for it, if you feel it's just strong platonic love, then be grateful to the universe or whatever deity you might believe in because friends you feel that fond of are a pretty damn good thing to have.

lucernarian

Just adding to the "dump her" opinions. That relationship is going nowhere. Consider your feelings to the friend you miss. There's the makings of a relationship if you like her on a physical as well as on a platonic level.

You seem to know what has to be done. Trust in yourself a little more. Go for it, if she's a bit shy I think it's only more flattering to her that a guy would be interested in her. Hope it works out for you.

unreg342445

Thanks for the advice.

Wibbs, firstly, I'm only 20, I've only had a couple of relationships, perhaps I am attracted to bossy women, I don't feel like I am though, it is not a trait I admire in a person at all. I'm not some 35 year old who's been going from bossy woman to bossy woman for years and saying "why me". I'm not prone to getting "friendzoned" with women I'm attracted to and I'm not a massive doormat either. I stand my ground on things, I make decisions, I try to act like a man. I am not some meek effeminate type.

I think you may be onto something. And maybe the original post is subconsciously about something else, heh. Ok, I am not a doormat, but my current girlfriend I feel sees relationships as some kind of battle or power struggle. I'm not a pushover, but in relationships, what I want is someone to enjoy spending time with and talking to, intimacy and such. Not a battle. Helping each other out and making each other stronger, not belittling and moaning in an effort to get one up over the other person, or bemoaning what they did or didn't do.

Perhaps some women are just more pushy than others in the first place. Perhaps my girlfriend is just a more bossy personality than my friend in general. I believe this, since I know them both and know how they both behave in a number of situations.

I would contend that I'm not a doormat, but I don't see my self as a real "I'm the boss and what I say goes" type man either. Perhaps my girlfriend is looking for a bossy man to keep her in line? Perhaps my approach to relationships is too laissez faire for her taste. But then again, maybe my personality is more suited to someone like my friend. You know, maybe I'd be "alpha male" enough for her. I don't want to be in a constant struggle for dominance in a relationship. I just want to relax with someone I like.

Is that a childish idealistic notion or something? I hope this isn't coming off as "i hate playing games" or some such sob story, but when I like someone, I like them. They don't have to constantly prove themselves to me forever after.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Find girl B's bebo page, message her. You can tell a lot about someone's feelings by how enthusiastically they reply. If she's public don't add her as a friend & see if she adds you.

Get the impression you don't want to be with your girlfriend.

Talliesin

unreg342445 wrote:

Ok, I am not a doormat, but my current girlfriend I feel sees relationships as some kind of battle or power struggle.

Lots of people see relationships that way for all sorts of reasons. They tend to prove themselves right

unreg342445 wrote:

Perhaps my girlfriend is looking for a bossy man to keep her in line?

Doubt it tbh.

unreg342445 wrote:

Perhaps my approach to relationships is too laissez faire for her taste.

Sounds more likely. Especially since her idea of laissez faire and yours are possibly quite different.

unreg342445 wrote:

You know, maybe I'd be "alpha male" enough for her. I don't want to be in a constant struggle for dominance in a relationship. I just want to relax with someone I like.

Sounds like you shouldn't worry too much about the "alpha male" thing really, going by both what you say you want and how you describe your friend (and now potential girlfriend) it doesn't seem to me that you want to be an alpha male, nor does she want to be with one.

unreg342445 wrote:

Is that a childish idealistic notion or something?

I wouldn't say so. You don't sound like you're expecting everything to be perfect, just hoping things can be good.

I agree with the sentiment. Life's too short to drink bad wine.

unreg342445 wrote:

I hope this isn't coming off as "i hate playing games"

Well, why not hate people playing games? Games are great when everyone is having fun. Once that's no longer the case, they just brings misery.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Find girl B's bebo page, message her. You can tell a lot about someone's feelings by how enthusiastically they reply. If she's public don't add her as a friend & see if she adds you.

I think it's already clear that whatever the nature of her feelings for him, she likes him a lot. This wouldn't say much beyond that.

Besides, Bebo involves too much squinting at a tiny photograph and trying to work out if a nickname you don't recognise belongs to someone you know or not for that to say much.

lucernarian

A bit ironic considering what I'm doing, but typing is cheaper than talking. I'm not sure Bebo is the best way to go from a friendship to a relationship. I don't think it's good to read into replies like that.

unreg342445

I don't have a bebo or anything similar and won't be making one anyway. Doesn't really appeal to me.

Wibbs

unreg342445 wrote:

Wibbs, firstly, I'm only 20, I've only had a couple of relationships, perhaps I am attracted to bossy women, I don't feel like I am though, it is not a trait I admire in a person at all.

Maybe it's that you're attracted to confident appearing types who then turn out to be bossy, hence with the current squeeze you get píssed off and bored with the whole thing.

I'm not some 35 year old who's been going from bossy woman to bossy woman for years and saying "why me".

Judging from what you're writing here you won't be either. Good thing.

I'm not prone to getting "friendzoned" with women I'm attracted to and I'm not a massive doormat either. I stand my ground on things, I make decisions, I try to act like a man.

If you can pull that off most of the time, without being a boorish pain at 20, then kudos.

I am not some meek effeminate type.

and in fairness it takes all sorts to make a world and meek effeminate types have their thing goin on too. I re read my post and it may read like that's always a bad thing to be. It's not, a man is not just a stereotype. One of the truest, kindest, most well balanced, reliable, loyal and strongest men I know is a mate of mine. He would be up at the top there with what I would put as a bloody good definition of being a "real" man, never mind a human being. And he's gay. Indeed he's verrrry gay. He takes that as a compliment too, the mincer.:D Interesting thing is that straight women spot this in him in a big way. They're forever trying to change his mind. Seriously, he even has had marriage proposals! :eek: The git.:D Many straight men I've seen look down on him would learn a damned valuable lesson by emulating him. I know I have in the past.

Ok, I am not a doormat, but my current girlfriend I feel sees relationships as some kind of battle or power struggle. I'm not a pushover, but in relationships, what I want is someone to enjoy spending time with and talking to, intimacy and such. Not a battle. Helping each other out and making each other stronger, not belittling and moaning in an effort to get one up over the other person, or bemoaning what they did or didn't do.

We're singin from the same hymn sheet here. No mistake. Can be quite hard to find though.

Perhaps some women are just more pushy than others in the first place. Perhaps my girlfriend is just a more bossy personality than my friend in general. I believe this, since I know them both and know how they both behave in a number of situations.

True and age and experience can either increase or decrease those tendencies. Different partners can too.

I would contend that I'm not a doormat, but I don't see my self as a real "I'm the boss and what I say goes" type man either.

Good balance.

Perhaps my girlfriend is looking for a bossy man to keep her in line? Perhaps my approach to relationships is too laissez faire for her taste.

That's very possible. Been there. You'll work at it but soone or later it gets old as you've discovered.

But then again, maybe my personality is more suited to someone like my friend. You know, maybe I'd be "alpha male" enough for her. I don't want to be in a constant struggle for dominance in a relationship. I just want to relax with someone I like.

Continuing the hymn singin in unison here.

Is that a childish idealistic notion or something? I hope this isn't coming off as "i hate playing games" or some such sob story, but when I like someone, I like them. They don't have to constantly prove themselves to me forever after.

No it's not childish at all. The complete bloody opposite. You're more likely to hear those sentiments expressed from someone further down the line with more years and relationships under their belt. Don't compromise that either. It's the best way.

Now maybe I'm going to get roasted for this but anyway..... Forgetting men of the same age(who are often as bad), in general women in their late teens/early twenties seem far more prone to the whole game playing nonsense and the influence of their peers than older women who've largely copped on to that(though you do still get them). Of course they like the men are trying on different patterns of behaviour to see what fits. Every generation does it and will continue to do it. All I will say is that I'm quite glad I don't have to swim in those treacherous waters anymore. Now obviously there are many exceptions. Many of them, but there is an undercurrent of gameplaying there and it's a royal pain in the arse for someone looking for a straight answer and normal honest intimacy.

Go for this friend of yours. You never know.

unreg342445

Thanks a lot for the advice everyone, it's greatly appreciated.