Married and bi

LegacyUser

I'm married for a few years and I'm bi but not told my wife. I've only ever met a few guys through gaydar for casual sex meets: until recently that is.
I've met a really nice guy whom I've fallen for bigtime. He seems to feel the same way and I would love to be with him.
Do you think that this is only a fling or should i tell my wife about it. I've not had sex with him yet, but everything else.
I don't want to hear any moralising answers here as this is afaik this is a bi board too and this is most certainly a bi issue.

LegacyUser

It's the old story, do you want to risk your relationship with your wife for a possible fling? Is it fair on her? If the feelings are real then potentially you are about to end one relationship and start another.

It hardly matters that you are bi. The problem is exactly the same as if there was another woman. You only have to pick up a magazine on any rack on the country to see stories of what happens in those situations.

camel700

I'm married also, and only wish I could find another guy to play with, but all I can do is wonder...
The real dilemma for you, is if your wife would dump you if she found out. If you went behind her back...and she found out, there could be the dumping thing again. My suggestion is to probe her feelings about men with other men. Maybe not come right out and say it, but hint around in some sort of fashion. If you get vibes from her that it repulses her, then you're left with only a few options. Forget other men, and stay locked up in your marriage. Go on a business trip, and meet up with the other guy, covering your tracks.
Forget about your marriage and commit to the other guy. (But that is only part time). It is a dilemma, and I'm in one too.
My wife doesn't like fishing or hunting much. I thought, that I could go fishing, or hunting, and meet up with a guy and do what men do. I don't go to bars, so that excuse is not valid for me. I have a motorcycle now, so that could be another good excuse. Going out for a ride with... You get the idea. If it was with another woman, than it is called Cheating. If it's with a guy, then its called...cheating too. Well, there you have it. You could either Cheat, Introduce him to your wife, and hope she get's a little turned on by him, Bring home some porn, and introduce her to some bi-sexual content, pull out a dildo while having sex with her and suck on it some... Lot's of ideas. Or you can tell her you sometimes get turned on by some men and hope for the best.
I really don't have an answer. Only you know your wife, and how she would take it if you told her. She could be really hurt, or she could look forward to the day when there were two men in her bed. Maybe another woman who knows? People don't usually talk about sex or fantasies they have. They're sort of private for some. My wife and I talked about it a little, and later, we bought some toys. :-)

Hmm_Messiah

limeric90/90 wrote:

I'm married for a few years and I'm bi but not told my wife. I've only ever met a few guys through gaydar for casual sex meets: until recently that is.
I've met a really nice guy whom I've fallen for bigtime. He seems to feel the same way and I would love to be with him.
Do you think that this is only a fling or should i tell my wife about it. I've not had sex with him yet, but everything else.
I don't want to hear any moralising answers here as this is afaik this is a bi board too and this is most certainly a bi issue.

You don't want moralizing because its a " bi board" , that means bi people don't bother with morality?

You ask a question but want to restrict what answers you get? Intriguing

And you've done everything but had sex with him? depending what you mean by "everything" but sounds like you have limited the meaning of sex in either a very naive or very calculating false way.

Should you tell your wife you've had casual sex with other people ? yes

Do we think this is only a fling ? How would we have the least clue?


If this is more substantial really its him you should have this conversation with . Being married and bi is very much a LGB issue , cheating on your partner isn't really is it ?

In all seriousness, this woman you married , you loved her? love her still, in a complete way ? if the love is real you need to share the full reality of you with her, there are any number of outcomes , some very scary, but you asked the question (I think - or was it should i keep meeting some one and not tell the wife) your sexuality and your sexual activity are separate things

limeric90/90

limeric90/90 wrote:

I'm married for a few years and I'm bi but not told my wife. I've only ever met a few guys through gaydar for casual sex meets: until recently that is.
I've met a really nice guy whom I've fallen for bigtime. He seems to feel the same way and I would love to be with him.
Do you think that this is only a fling or should i tell my wife about it. I've not had sex with him yet, but everything else.
I don't want to hear any moralising answers here as this is afaik this is a bi board too and this is most certainly a bi issue.

Basically you are looking for tips for cheating? yeah?
You've got them in the 2nd post.

Now that someone else has seen fit to advise you on how best to cheat on your partner,I'll give you some *real* advice.
Go and have a long hard think about how your partner would feel about you cheating or anybodies partner for that matter.

What you should actually be doing is making a choice rather than cheating.
Fidelity is much better.It just means that you have to work a bit harder at finding your partner and not as it seems rush into marriage.
you must have known that you would be cheating via the other side of you when you exchanged vows with your wife? Right ?
"straight guys" and I'd venture to say the majority of them who marry have the wherewith all to decide on "the one" before they take that big committment.
It's downright stupid and wreckless in my opinion to make a long term committment to anyone if you actually know you can't live up to it.
It's also obviously highly disrespectfull to your partner as well as being hurtfull to them.
It's not a genuine road to travel-simple as- so take a u-turn or just become single again.
That would be my advice.

unreggd

For christ sake you married your wife because you love her, i'm guessing?

If you love someone, you dont cheat on them, and no, its not alright, and it makes no difference if your bi or gay or straight or a bleedin tree!


There no such thing as justified cheating

Talliesin

limeric90/90 wrote:

I don't want to hear any moralising answers here as this is afaik this is a bi board too and this is most certainly a bi issue.

I have to love this attempt to pre-empt any opinions you won't like and just keep things reinforcing what you want to hear.

Of course a plain "take your internalised biphobia and **** off" for the implicit statement you are are making about the rest of us isn't ruled out, so lets start with that.

And of course, I can still ignore the morality of the matter while talking about moral courage. Someone who opts for a monogamous lifestyle and lives one has moral courage (even if they slip-up in that, as long as they pick themselves up again). Someone who opts for a polyamourous lifestyle and lives one has moral courage. You however claim one thing and then try to do the other. This is because you are a moral coward.

And really, I feel sorrier for your wife for living with a moral coward than for potentially living with a cheater.

Mawg

Another score for the stereotypical bisexual. You're dragging our reputation through the mud, man.

azezil

You're a cheat, plain and simple, spare us your "oh but I'm bi-sexual, I don't feel complete!" b.s., if you loved this woman enough to marry her cop yourself on, you've made a commitment to her so cut out this cheating crap and just end it with her, bi-sexual issue my hairy hole!

patrickolee

How can a bi-sexual practice his/her sexuality in a monogomus relationship? Maybe monogomy doesn't fit.

*Reaches for copy of 'hermaphrodite times' personal section*

O.P you need to talk to you wife. Hopefully you can do it without telling her about your inappropriate liasons. If you admit them, I think you might as well just give up on the relationship now. Quicker in the long run. She might be interested in threesomes as indicated by previous posters, or she might be understanding of the situation, but I think you need to do it in a "I have not done this before, but think it might be interesting" type way.

I think females tend not to be so open to the non conventional relationships (sweeping generalisation there I realise, there are plenty of open minded females out there, but probably fewer than men..). Long term if you think your wife will not accept the new situation, you need to move on and so does she. Having a relationship with a man may be easier and you probably have a better chance of finding a man who can live with your expression of bisexuality than you will of finding a female who can cope with it. Having said that, you'll probably find it harder to find females to have affairs with, if they know you are in a relationship with a man. doh. Maybe you should just forget about the straight side of your sexuality???

claire h

patrickolee wrote:

How can a bi-sexual practice his/her sexuality in a monogomus relationship? Maybe monogomy doesn't fit.

When you label your sexuality, what you're labelling is the people you tend to be attracted to. It doesn't mean that you're attracted to all of them at the same time. Bisexuality is no more synonymous with polygamy than any other sexual-identity grouping.

When you get into a relationship, unless it's specifically agreed that it's an open one, you agree to not act on other attractions that you might have. Just because there's a larger pool to draw from when it comes to people that bisexuals might potentially be attracted to doesn't negate the basic idea of a committed relationship. The idea that bisexuals 'need' both male and female sexual contact at the same time is a myth along the same lines of anyone who 'needs' to sleep with people outside any relationship because their partner just isn't satisfying them. It's an excuse for cheating.

Scoobydoobydoo

limeric90/90 wrote:

I've only ever met a few guys through gaydar for casual sex meets

Oh, well that's ok then! The first thing that comes into my head reading this is why on earth did you get married.
Anyway, this sounds like this is all about you and that you're not as concerned for your wife. Sounds like you only want to risk your marriage if you can be sure it will work out with this guy first, which is selfish, but then again, if you don't take this step what do you do - go back to casual sex meets to fulfill your desires, which is also selfish.
Camel's advice is just crap, sorry. I know he's in this situation too, but if he thinks that finding more ways to deceive his wife so he can please himself is the way to go, then that's his choice. But where does it end? In twenty years when your wife has loved you and given you children etc. then you finally admit it. Then what? She's destroyed, alone, broken hearted. Feels that her whole life was a big lie, and she never could've competed with a man anyway.
I think that even if this guy is actually just a fling, that you'll meet someone else that you connect with and you'll be going through this again.
Do you think are you really bi? I mean are you saying here that you're bi because you're married, or are you sleeping with other women as well as men? If you're only after men why is that? You obviously fancy guys, fine, but if you feel the need to continue going out to find men then you need to talk to your wife. Because if you were just bisexual you could still be faithful. But you obviously can't, which tells me you need a man rather than a woman, even though you are married to one.
For yourself and your future, you've got to sort this - not by figuring out what lies you can get away with, you can't go on like that, it's tiring, stressful, and if you do form a relationship on the side with a guy, you can't expect him to be a secret either. It's not fair to anyone.
Do the decent thing, be honest with yourself, step back and think of everything you're doing and what you want the most. If you want to stay with your wife, then you've got to be faithful, she doesn't deserve this. If you feel that you're capable of cheating even once more on her, you've got to end it I think.
If you don't nip something in the bud now, either the marriage or the men, it's just the worst thing you can do.


you've got to consider your wife. She needs to be able to start over too, and it may take her a while, because obviously she'll be traumatised, but if you let this drag on a few years, it will be so much worse.

LegacyUser

'im married to a bi man and was aware of it before we got serious, im very happy with him and have joined in his lifestyle and have no problem with it, let me know if you would like to chat'