My BF wants me to be with other men

LegacyUser

My boyfriend has revelaed to me over the last few weeks that he wants me to be with another man in bed as he watches. I'm quite open minded and up for it, but still seems a bit weird or something for me.

Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it? Is this a bad idea?

DD

I wouldnt ever share my bf and he has the same opinion . Its up to you, only if u want it too.

AnneRose wrote:

My boyfriend has revelaed to me over the last few weeks that he wants me to be with another man in bed as he watches. I'm quite open minded and up for it, but still seems a bit weird or something for me.
Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it? Is this a bad idea?

seamus

Some men enjoy it. Same as some men and women like to have threesomes or group sessions or whatever.

I've never been involved in anything remotely approaching this, but perhaps it may be worth double-checking and triple-checking about the whole thing. He thinks it's great now, and he probably gets off thinking about it, but when faced with the actual deed happening, his jealous side may kick in and it could potentially sour the whole relationship. Getting another person (anonymous or not) involved in a relationship is a big step.
On the other hand, it could open up a great and exciting new side to your relationship.

LegacyUser

AnneRose wrote:

My boyfriend has revelaed to me over the last few weeks that he wants me to be with another man in bed as he watches. I'm quite open minded and up for it, but still seems a bit weird or something for me.

Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it? Is this a bad idea?

lots of men fantasise about there partners been with other men, we do this without ever been with anyone else, she tells me about been with fella's and i get turned on the dirtier she is! i would not let another man with my girl but get turned on by her been a dirty girl!! try this 1st, i think bringing someone else in spells trouble in the real world.

Marksie

The idea of threesome/ group/ couples intercourse can be a big turnon for both men and women.

There are many reasons for wanting to do this, exploring each others boundaries, challenging convention, fulfilling fantasies. Expanding the range of experience or sheer boredom within the realtionship, the latter not being a good reason to embark on it.

Have you asked your partner why he wants this... if he gets turned on by it is he aware of what potential feelings of jealousy may be thrown up by watching you with someone else?

Have you discussed what it means in terms of your relationship as a whole?

Are you entirely comfortable doing this? and aware of what issues it may raise?

Are you planning to do this because you are intruiged by the thoughts of it or just to please your boyfriend?

Don't proceed until you are entirely comfortable both with the reasonings behind it all and aware of any possible ramifications
.
Remember too that such activity should be something taken as an addition to the realtionship, not a replacement for what is present already.
If you find that this is being done beacuse the realtionship is on rocky ground or things have gotten stale, then you are heading for disaster.

It's common enough I would think
just make sure he deals with any potential jealousy issues and there aren't any issues with getting someone else involved
and of course that everyone's happy with it

Talliesin

AnneRose wrote:

Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it?

There are quite a few reasons and the way one person who enjoys this views the whole thing could be very different to another person who enjoys it just as much.

It could be that he's quite visually oriented, and therefore having a view of you having sex that he could not if he was actually participating would turn him on; it could be that it appeals to a submissive part of his nature to be in a situation that many people would see as taking advantage of him; it could be that it appeals to a dominant part of his nature to be in a position to "lend" you to someone; it could be that he has a degree of attraction to men that while not strong enough to make him want to have sex with a man is strong enough that he could enjoy the sight of a man having sex with a woman he already finds sexually attractive; he could enjoy the fact that another man enjoys a rare chance to have sex with a woman he gets to have sex with regularly, an extension of a pretty common ego-boost if other people think your partner is "hot". It could be something else entirely.

I state this not to celebrate the wonderful variety that exists in human sexuality but because this variation means that with different motivations going on (which he may not be able to articulate well) there are different things that could make such an experience good or bad for him.

And that's on top of what could make it good or bad for you.

Not to mention the other guy.

So, if we take as an example the possibility that it is an extension of his liking that other people find you attractive it may be a very good idea that the two of you do something sexual together shortly afterwards to reinforce in his mind that he's the guy you are regular lovers with and hence both increase his enjoyment of it and reduce the risk of jealousy.

However, if it's because he's very visually inclined and it's essentially a voyeuristic thing, then watching you have sex with another man may to him have been one of the best sexual experiences he's ever had - that may well put him in the mood for more sex with you shortly afterwards, but he might also very much be in a "coming down" mood and not want to.

And if its because of submissive inclination, then he actually wants to be made to feel slightly jealous and/or unable to "measure up" and not be able to do anything about it. Having better sex with him shortly afterwards would actually take something away from it for him.

Before you do anything it's a good idea to try to work out as best you both can just what it is that turns him on enough that he wants to do it and what turns you on enough that you're at least prepared to experiment.

Marksie wrote:

If you find that this is being done beacuse the realtionship is on rocky ground or things have gotten stale, then you are heading for disaster.

Agreed. The one exception I'd point out though is that if this turns him on to the extent that it could be considered a fetish of his, then not having that fetish fulfilled could lead to a staleness of its own.

If it's not so much a full-blown fetish as something that turns him on a bit that could "spice it up", then what you say is definitely true.

LegacyUser

AnneRose wrote:

My boyfriend has revelaed to me over the last few weeks that he wants me to be with another man in bed as he watches. I'm quite open minded and up for it, but still seems a bit weird or something for me.

Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it? Is this a bad idea?

From someone who's been involved in the swinging scene a bit, I can tell you that it can be an incredible experience - its all been positive in my experience.
First of all, you should welcome the fact that he felt comfortable enough to share his fantasy with you - its a sign that your relationship is very close. When I first shared this with my gf at the time, it took a fair bit of courage I can tell you, not knowing what her reaction would be. Luckily it was positive, and we've enjoyed quite a few times with other guys that were amazing.

Talliesin is right, most guys are very visual, and thats a lot of the fantasy - to watch your partner having sex with someone else is visually very arousing.
Part of my fantasy was also seeing my gf act like a slut - sleeping with a complete stranger that I had invited to fu€k her. She never knew the guys, sometimes she was even blindfolded so didn't even see their faces. Very arousing for both of us, and for me to see her submit like that was a dream come true.

As long as you yourself are happy to do it, and you're sure both of you are doing it for the right reasons, go for it. Do make sure to include him in the experience, don't ignore him and focus all your attention on the other guy. Eye contact with him will really heighten the erotic tension, and as soon as the other guy is finished I'd tell your bf its his turn, he will prob be so turned on he'll cum in no time, but hey, he'll enjoy it!

johnnysmurfman

Down with that sort of thing I say. Stuff like that is just not normal and you should not do it.

Talliesin

Voyeur bf wrote:

Do make sure to include him in the experience, don't ignore him and focus all your attention on the other guy. Eye contact with him will really heighten the erotic tension, and as soon as the other guy is finished I'd tell your bf its his turn, he will prob be so turned on he'll cum in no time, but hey, he'll enjoy it!

I think whether this will make things better (or indeed be absolutely necessary) or not will depend on him. Some people's own take on such play is to actually enjoy being ignored. Really is something to have a good idea about.

randomname2005

johnnysmurfman wrote:

Down with that sort of thing I say. Stuff like that is just not normal and you should not do it.

One person's 'normal' is another persons 'very weird' would you turn around to an Inuit in Canada and tell them not to let a walrus decompose for a year before eating it because it is weird to you?

OP, you need to sit down with your BF and talk to him about this, see why he wants you to do it. Some people don't like to share partners, others do, for a variety of reasons, but only he can tell you why.

Is it a bad idea? Maybe, maybe no, that depends on you and your partner, how committed the relationship is, how jealous ye are likely to get and so on.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I suppose if I was worried a girl was going to cheat on me because of my jealousy it would be nice to be able to control her cheating. Or at least think I was controlling it.

Get your hands offa my woman.

Talliesin

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

I suppose if I was worried a girl was going to cheat on me because of my jealousy it would be nice to be able to control her cheating. Or at least think I was controlling it.

If the OPs boyfriend thought that way then I'd say it would definitely be a bad idea, would just give the mind more negative images to dwell on.

metrovelvet

Sure why not?

On condition that

1. You pick the guy

2. Your boyfriend may watch but he must wear a blindfold

BUT does he want to watch you or does he want to watch the man? Who is his focal point? Do you think he could be a little gay?

Firetrap

If it was my boyfriend, I'd be wondering why I wasn't enough for him and why he felt the need to add another person into the equation. Would it be a random stranger or one of his mates? Then again, if it's what you're into, who am I to argue?

dlofnep

If you do it - I think it would probably ruin your relationship. I'd say it's down to this guy is totally insecure with himself and all he can do is picture you cheating, so his only way to come to terms with it is to allow you to cheat while he watches.. He's fueled by the adrenaline of it all.

IMO.

Wibbs

dlofnep wrote:

I'd say it's down to this guy is totally insecure with himself and all he can do is picture you cheating, so his only way to come to terms with it is to allow you to cheat while he watches.. He's fueled by the adrenaline of it all.

IMO.

Interesting take. Never looked at it like that, correct or no.

I think Marksie and especially Talliesin have really covered most ground and given a solid background to the situation. Talliesin's post was an eyeopener and very informative.

Like everything in a relationship, good solid communication is the key. Without that, this or even issues on where you're going on holidays this year etc will cause problems down the line. You've a lot of info here, from the above posters especially, now it's time to talk.

cowzerp

i reckon he's just turned on by watching you and would probably imagine himself with you while watching, why not just role play?
Personally i would not like somebody near my girl.

LegacyUser

'IMO he probably wants to do it for voyeuristic reasons. I've had 3somes with my bf - one of them with another guy, one with another girl. It just comes down to what turns you on. I doubt that he wants you to sleep with another guy to "control" you.

However I would agree that whatever group sex that happens it's very important for you & your partner to focus on each other before, during and afterwards.

Be sure you want to do it, talk about it with your bf - bring up the pros and cons and if you go ahead with it, enjoy it for what it is.'

want2play

Voyeur bf wrote:

From someone who's been involved in the swinging scene a bit,

We are a couple who fancy a bit of this but cant seem to find where unless hiring an escort etc.
Are there any Irish chat rooms or forums not frequented by time wasters and middle aged men?

Nevyn

You have to keep looking until you find a site that works for you and meet people who are invovled in the scene.

cowzerp

AnneRose wrote:

My boyfriend has revelaed to me over the last few weeks that he wants me to be with another man in bed as he watches. I'm quite open minded and up for it, but still seems a bit weird or something for me.

Anyone know why this would turn someone on so much or why he'd want me to do it? Is this a bad idea?

Are you hot? im suprised there have been no offers as yet!

Beruthiel

cowzerp wrote:

Are you hot? im suprised there have been no offers as yet!

cowzerp
read this forums charter, another comment like that one and I'm banning you.
B

Talliesin

want2play wrote:

Are there any Irish chat rooms or forums not frequented by time wasters and middle aged men?

If the OP decides to go ahead with this, I suppose this may be relevant to her as well.

From what I've heard, no there are no chat rooms or forums not frequented by time wasters (middle aged men I wouldn't be too keen on excluding, it won't be that long until I'm one myself). One of the biggest gripes I hear are people responding to clearly irrelevant profiles (in particular men responding to profiles of women who are only looking for women).

However, I've heard some success stories too, so they aren't all frequented by just time wasters.

The people I know who use sites of this sort are from the BDSM and fetish scenes rather than the pure (as in no other fetishes involved) swinging scene, so I can't give any recommendations. What I have heard from them though is that very full profiles are a pre-requisite to having any success, and I imagine that applies more generally.

As well as the time-wasters you also have to be careful about dangerous people. Most such sites will have a section on safety advice when meeting people from them (while aimed at a slightly different scenario, so does [thread=105620]this sticky in the LGB forum[/thread] the most salient points are the same). Even if you are in a position of relative strength compared to the other (you are with your partner meeting a single person and so have strength of numbers, you're meeting someone that seems relatively passive, etc.) it's well worth paying attention to.

Marksie

Talliesin wrote:

If the OP decides to go ahead with this, I suppose this may be relevant to her as well..

Yes, i believe so too as she has in her first post certainly expressed an interest.

Talliesin wrote:

What I have heard from them though is that very full profiles are a pre-requisite to having any success, and I imagine that applies more generally..

There will always be more timewasters than genuine people. You have to decide what you want and the relevant age range is, and make it absolutely clear in your profile.
A lot of "stag" males would be married or attached, and that gives several obvious limitations. Not the least being the all wind and water.

As Talliesin said, an in depth profile, well written is something to look out for. Also look at the initial messages they send to you, it really can make a difference. A single one liner of the sorts of "up for it?" isn't terribly conducive to the idea that they actually know what they are doing. a polite well constructed message will give you a better idea of them and what they are about.

Remember too that you are likely to get bombarded with more of the timewasters than the genuine ones. But that you are in the position of strength.

Talliesin wrote:

As well as the time-wasters you also have to be careful about dangerous people. Most such sites will have a section on safety advice when meeting people from them (while aimed at a slightly different scenario, so does [thread=105620]this sticky in the LGB forum[/thread] the most salient points are the same). Even if you are in a position of relative strength compared to the other (you are with your partner meeting a single person and so have strength of numbers, you're meeting someone that seems relatively passive, etc.) it's well worth paying attention to.

Oooh agreed with that one. I would add that it would be best to have a pre- no going further initial meeting. Even if its just a coffee. That can sort out a lot of issues

Anti

Dont know if this has been said already. But make sure protection is involved. for all parties.