The guilts

LegacyUser · 13-08-2007 10:03am #1

Hi all regular poster here

I was at a party last night, and i kissed someone i should not have and i feel like ****

Earlier in the day my beter half was there with me and he offered to take the children home and leave me to enjoy my night with my friends..........and i went and did that on him.
Now it was a quick kiss nothin major but I have done this before on him . He found out and it nearly tore our lil family apart.

Why oh why do I do this????? He can be sooo good to me and I'm dreading goning home this evening to face him.

I do love him so why when I get attention elsewhere do I accept it??

BTW we r together 8 yrs , I'm 27 he is 35

Beruthiel · 13-08-2007 10:06am

'

Bad Girl wrote:

I do love him so why when I get attention elsewhere do I accept it??

I give up. Why do you?'

Peewee_lane · 13-08-2007 10:29am

Seems to me that your looking for the attention, by doing the dirt and posting your shame here.

I can't believe you have kids, a little family, and you still don't know how to control yourself with drink. Or are you just an attention seeker? You said it yourself, you've done it before. God, do you want your family to split up? Do you want the kids to have to go through that. Grow up, cop on, it takes two to tango, your not innocent and I think at 27, you should have at least a little bit of cop on.

Donald Fagen · 13-08-2007 10:35am

Attention whore, TBH. It's not that complex a situation.

MrBaseball · 13-08-2007 10:43am

Bad Girl wrote:

Why oh why do I do this?????

Going by the information you've given in your post, it would appear that you do it because you lack integrity and morals.

littlesurfer · 13-08-2007 10:53am

maybe he deserves someone else who will love him enough to be faithful. Are you feeling something is missing at home?

LegacyUser · 13-08-2007 11:01am

maybe he does deserve better than me..... we have hard some hard times over the years and the first time i did it I was getting zero love or attention at home and he just drank from one end of the week to the other.

Now we have moved on a getting on better than ever but still i do this!

LegacyUser · 13-08-2007 12:30pm

Im a bit like yourself, although im a bloke. love my girl of 2 years to bits but just love the thrill and attention of chatting up and being wanted by other girls.

I used to kiss some of the girls, but ive learned to contol myself and just think of my girlfriend anytime I feel like kissing them. I see no problem with chatting the girls up and having a laugh with them, but then i draw the line. I am an attention seeker and i always will be but ive learend to control myself and i think you need to do the same.

Zulu · 13-08-2007 4:31pm

Not so much a "bad girl" as a sad girl.

You're 27.

Grow up and cop on.

CrazyNoob · 13-08-2007 4:33pm

Bad girl wrote:

maybe he does deserve better than me..... we have hard some hard times over the years and the first time i did it I was getting zero love or attention at home and he just drank from one end of the week to the other.

Now we have moved on a getting on better than ever but still i do this!

No maybe about it, he does deserve better and you know it too!
Are you trying to punish him or yourself???

If you cant trust yourself till you resolve your issues dont put yourself in these situations. You should always think first how will this effect my children before acting. They must be no1 in all decisions

ntlbell · 13-08-2007 5:03pm

MrBaseball wrote:

Going by the information you've given in your post, it would appear that you do it because you lack integrity and morals.

This sums it up, there's not much we can do for you.

impr0v · 13-08-2007 5:19pm

Bad Girl wrote:

Why oh why do I do this????? He can be sooo good to me and I'm dreading goning home this evening to face him.

I do love him so why when I get attention elsewhere do I accept it??

Sounds a little like you're trying to convince yourself. 'I do love him'; nobody asked if you do, so are you perhaps the one asking the question, and is the justification for your answer the fact that he can be 'sooo good' to you?

They're not sustainable grounds, if that is the case.

8 years is a long time. Do you feel like you missed out on assessing what's really out there, and/or having some fun, by entering such a committed relationship at 19? It wouldn't be an unreasonable thing to think or wonder. Did the arrival of the children make a decision for you that you hadn't fully reconciled yourself to?

It could just be a desire for confirmation that you are still attractive and desirable, brought on by growing feelings that you're not. There are ways to get that confirmation without risking a family.

The above is just speculation because nobody here has adequate information to judge properly, except you.

If you have your doubts it's best to air them, as they multiply in the dark. Whether you do or not, what you did last night is not a just thing to do. In fact it's cowardly, deceitful, a horrendous breach of trust and an attack on your partner. It undermines him in the eyes of all the people he knew at the party, and he doesn't even know it.

You should probably tell him, but you know that.

kittenkiller · 13-08-2007 8:42pm

Bad Girl wrote:

Hi all regular poster here

I was at a party last night, and i kissed someone i should not have and i feel like ****

Earlier in the day my beter half was there with me and he offered to take the children home and leave me to enjoy my night with my friends..........and i went and did that on him.
Now it was a quick kiss nothin major but I have done this before on him . He found out and it nearly tore our lil family apart.

Why oh why do I do this????? He can be sooo good to me and I'm dreading goning home this evening to face him.

I do love him so why when I get attention elsewhere do I accept it??

BTW we r together 8 yrs , I'm 27 he is 35

It must be because your own self confidence is held in higher regard than the love, consideration and respect your family have for you.

You already fu(ked up, you should have shagged this randomer and at least gotten a proper buzz out of trying to rip your family apart!

Do what you feel like doing pet, because yours are the only feelings that *really* matter.
So what if you're making your boyfriend feel like an inadequate piece of dirt that you can walk on, as long as you felt pretty for a few minutes, that's all that's important!

Best of luck raising your kids, I bet they'll turn out just fine.

Talliesin · 13-08-2007 9:18pm

Bad Girl wrote:

Why oh why do I do this?????

Because it makes you feel better.

The question isn't why do you do it as much as why don't stop.

You say it started at a point where the relationship was pretty much in tatters. As such it could well have been a matter of steeling yourself to get out of that relationship.

You had a pattern of behaviour that made sense, and also was enjoyable in itself, and also was pretty easy.

Now you've got one that is enjoyable and easy; neither of which are exactly going to help you stop it.

You need to readjust your behaviour to your new situation, and that isn't working for you. If you can't do it on your own, perhaps you should try counselling.

faceman · 13-08-2007 9:25pm

OP, ignore some of the self righteous comments posted here. You've done a bad thing but you need to understand why to try rectify it. Im sure if it was as easy as someone tellin you to cop on and grow up, then no one would ever be unfaithful to their partner.

You feel guilty, thats a good sign. Is it because you feel dirty or is it because you're upset that you betrayed your partner?

You need to think about if you are 100% committed and in love with your partner. If you want to put things right, then you need to do somethin about they way you carry on. That kiss could have turned into somethin worse, but it didnt. Was it because you didnt want it to or because you felt you had earned your trophy in the kiss itself? Do you think you might have self esteem issues in any way?

Are there elements in your relationship that are lacking or even boring at the moment? Its ok to be in love with your partner but feel that things have gone stale. You have been goin out a long time, maybe you need to put that spark back into the relationship? Remember what it was like when ye first met, you probably couldnt keep your hands off each other! There are counsellors and therapists who can help couples like that and im sure there are also plenty of books.

Im not trying to suggest that it was ok or acceptable what you did, in fact its the opposite. However being told that you are sad etc, isnt goin to help you put things right. If you do chose to stick with your partner, then dont do it again.

The Sweeper · 14-08-2007 3:24am

Yeah I'm with faceman on this one - there's a whole herd of high horses on this thread that are totally missing the point - the OP KNOWS she's done something wrong and she can't understand why she did it. THAT'S the part where she needs help, not a bunch of people telling her she's a faithless slag and should know better.

OP: few questions to help you look at why you do what you do.

First, who's this bloke you snogged? Is it someone you know well, or someone you don't know at all? And when you have a few drinks, do you flirt outrageously with everyone or is it just specific people?

Ask yourself: what are you looking for when you've a few drinks on you and your inhibitions are lowered? Do you feel you are not getting enough attention at home? Or is it the case that no matter how much attention your bloke gave you, it's specifically other people's attention that you're after?

As faceman says, you need to take a very long, hard look at what that kiss was all about - and admit to yourself, in the right situation, with the right amount of alcohol, and the right bloke, could that kiss have turned into something else?

Finally, the guilt is your friend. Sometimes we get unrealistic images of what our lives are like - if you're going through a bad patch, or a difficult patch, or a dull patch, it's easy to fantasise that your life with someone else would be a harlequin romance. In fact, it won't be. It'll be just as difficult and dodgy as your life with your existing partner, with bad days and shit times and dull patches. Occasionally you need a kick in the backside to remind you of that.

You can get that kick in the ass in different ways, and kissing someone else certainly isn't the best way. But try to remember, when YOU'RE bored, and YOU feel things are dull, and YOU wonder what the hell this life is all about, your partner is probably thinking exactly the same thing.

Beruthiel put a post on here a while ago that really grabbed my attention - in a long-term relationship, you have to make an EFFORT to be nice to each other, and make an EFFORT to do things together. Everyone in the world will get bored in a relationship where nothing ever happens. You have to plan things for yourselves - take a holiday, even just a weekend away - or one night away togehter while someone else babysits your kids.

If you plan nothing, do nothing and make no considerations for each other, of course you'll be bored witless with each other. Happiness doesn't come naturally in a long-term relationship. You have to make an effort - and when you have kids, remember that effort isn't just for you and him.

Victor · 14-08-2007 4:25am

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Yeah I'm with faceman on this one - there's a whole herd of high horses on this thread that are totally missing the point

/cancels joining posse.

OP: few questions to help you look at why you do what you do.

OP, sometimes it is really hard to answer these questions in our minds. We need to say them out loud, to admit to someone else. Whether you pick your mother / aunt / sister / best friend / counsellor / priest or some random strander is up to you.

Finally, the guilt is your friend.

Indeed, fortunately or unfortunately, this is true. Sometimes we have ourselves conviced that we have committed an offence on the scale of armed robbery from stealing someone's last chocolate*. Guilt is the little voice telling us that it is wrong. It is a much more dangerous slippery slope if that little voice isn't there.

* Actually these are bad bad people. Never start, never finish someone else's food without permission.

Miss Fluff · 14-08-2007 4:37am

[QUOTE=Victor* Actually these are bad bad people. Never start, never finish someone else's food without permission.[/QUOTE]

ROFL, in agreement, a crime against humanity:)

OP, I wouldn't feel the need to unburden a confession on your other half. Yes, what you did was not cricket but by the same token you need to examine WHY you did it in the first place. If you had too much to drink then cut down. Is this person you snogged someone you fancy? If so, stay away. You also need to have a look at your current relationship and what caused you to do this. You mentioned you went through tough times where he was drinking from one end of the week to the other. Did you ever fully resolve these issues? You say things are better than ever at this moment but are they really? Have you spoken about how happy you both are in your relationship?

Wibbs · 14-08-2007 8:13am

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Yeah I'm with faceman on this one - there's a whole herd of high horses on this thread that are totally missing the point - the OP KNOWS she's done something wrong and she can't understand why she did it. THAT'S the part where she needs help, not a bunch of people telling her she's a faithless slag and should know better.

OP: few questions to help you look at why you do what you do.

First, who's this bloke you snogged? Is it someone you know well, or someone you don't know at all? And when you have a few drinks, do you flirt outrageously with everyone or is it just specific people?

Ask yourself: what are you looking for when you've a few drinks on you and your inhibitions are lowered? Do you feel you are not getting enough attention at home? Or is it the case that no matter how much attention your bloke gave you, it's specifically other people's attention that you're after?

As faceman says, you need to take a very long, hard look at what that kiss was all about - and admit to yourself, in the right situation, with the right amount of alcohol, and the right bloke, could that kiss have turned into something else?

Finally, the guilt is your friend. Sometimes we get unrealistic images of what our lives are like - if you're going through a bad patch, or a difficult patch, or a dull patch, it's easy to fantasise that your life with someone else would be a harlequin romance. In fact, it won't be. It'll be just as difficult and dodgy as your life with your existing partner, with bad days and shit times and dull patches. Occasionally you need a kick in the backside to remind you of that.

You can get that kick in the ass in different ways, and kissing someone else certainly isn't the best way. But try to remember, when YOU'RE bored, and YOU feel things are dull, and YOU wonder what the hell this life is all about, your partner is probably thinking exactly the same thing.

Beruthiel put a post on here a while ago that really grabbed my attention - in a long-term relationship, you have to make an EFFORT to be nice to each other, and make an EFFORT to do things together. Everyone in the world will get bored in a relationship where nothing ever happens. You have to plan things for yourselves - take a holiday, even just a weekend away - or one night away togehter while someone else babysits your kids.

If you plan nothing, do nothing and make no considerations for each other, of course you'll be bored witless with each other. Happiness doesn't come naturally in a long-term relationship. You have to make an effort - and when you have kids, remember that effort isn't just for you and him.

This bears repeating and re reading for the OP and indeed anyone in a long term relationship, whether they think they're fine or not. The effort part is so often overlooked by many and then they wonder why the "spark" is gone. The OP's kissing exploits are a symptom of a deeper issue(duh). It could be simple boredom or something deeper. It's worth finding out especially when kids are involved.

cowzerp · 14-08-2007 8:25am

Glad you are feeling guilty-imagine how he'd feel if he knew you where doing that. shame some people are just cheats.

Talliesin · 14-08-2007 8:51am

cowzerp wrote:

shame some people are just cheats.

What wonderful insight you have into the human psyche. Now, what do you suggest she does?

Loomis · 14-08-2007 8:58am

I'd say you do it because you're selfish. Nothing else really. You put yourself ahead of your partner and children when you do this. So it's selfishness.
Unless you can do something about that then you'll always do this.
As for the 'leave her alone you self-righteous high-horse riders' - it has nothing to do with being self-righteous. And we wouldn't exactly need to be very high to be above cheating behaviour. She's wrong for what she's done. Saying we're self-righteous is a bit pointless as well as wrong

Wagon · 14-08-2007 9:03am

I suggest you pull your head out of your hole and realise that your 27 and not 17.

patrickolee · 14-08-2007 9:11am

Gosh, OP, you got a lot of abuse in this thread. Amazing to me really. It was a just a kiss right? No big deal. Don't worry about it, just try not to do it again.

Zulu · 14-08-2007 10:28am

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Yeah I'm with faceman on this one - there's a whole herd of high horses on this thread that are totally missing the point...

Normally I'd tend to agree with you MAJD, but the OP is 27. She knows what she did. She wants to know why she did it. She gave us fu(k all detail in the original post.
It looks to me that she needs a kick in the arse. In fact, I think she want a kick in the arse to be honest.
She has done this before. She will do this again. Some people are like that. Good for them; bad for there partners. That being said maybe there partners like that.

So to answer her question: why did she do it? For cheap thrills/for attention.
How does she prevent it happening again? Bloody good question, she probably can't. But I guess she could try to consider which is more important a cheap thrill/attention or her own personal scruples and the dignity of the partner she "loves". It might also help her to consider that the cheap thrill she craves so badly, has a strong potential of encouraging her partner (and the father of her child?) to leave her and her child. Is it really worth her child's father?

...but you are right, who are we on our lofty high horses? Personally I've never been in her situation, so I couldn't say for sure if I wouldn't do the exact same thing.

faceman · 14-08-2007 10:36am

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Beruthiel put a post on here a while ago that really grabbed my attention - in a long-term relationship, you have to make an EFFORT to be nice to each other, and make an EFFORT to do things together. Everyone in the world will get bored in a relationship where nothing ever happens. You have to plan things for yourselves - take a holiday, even just a weekend away - or one night away togehter while someone else babysits your kids.

Very good point.

For those of you throwin the stones. Can you please elaborate on how the OP might give herself a kick in the arse or how she needs to cop on? Does she just click a switch in her belly button for that to happen?

Talliesin · 14-08-2007 10:47am

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Saying we're self-righteous is a bit pointless as well as wrong

No, saying "gosh, that was a bad thing" is pointless.

The question isn't "hmm, I wonder if I did a bad thing or not?" it's "why do I do this?" with an implied "how do I stop?"

And "be more moral" is a fat lot of use because it doesn't actually give anything further than what the OP is already saying. There is zero value in it for the OP. You can't even get some negative value since her being un-reg means that any plans to make her stand in the village market wearing a scarlet letter A will have to wait until you've found out who she is.

Now, I completely agree that if kissing other people isn't allowed in a relationship then you shouldn't do that. So does the OP, so the only value in pointing this out is to stroke your own ego. That's the difference between righteous and self-righteous.

I have very little patience for people who do immoral things and then cry "I couldn't help it" when they get caught. That very same attitude though means that when someone, like the OP, says "I want to stop" then I'd rather see them succeed in that than engage in morality-****.

I think the OP should consider some counselling. Cases where ongoing behaviour is at odds with how you want to behave are cases where I feel counselling can be particularly beneficial.

Anyone got any more actual ideas on how to help the OP not do what you're delighting in telling her she shouldn't do, or does your high horse enjoy its new toy too much?

Nevyn · 14-08-2007 10:53am

Zulu saying that someone needs a good kick is not acceptible in this forum.
Please use a differnt turn of phrase.
Thaedydal

Zulu · 14-08-2007 11:31am

faceman wrote:

Can you please elaborate on how the OP might give herself a kick in the arse or how she needs to cop on?

How does anyone cop on - she needs to think it through.

Does she just click a switch in her belly button for that to happen?

Yea something like thats. Theres a place located behind you, at the end of your spine. You get someone with a foot to kick you good and hard there. The button is in deep, so it cant be a half arsed kick.

LegacyUser · 14-08-2007 11:50am

Don't mind too much of the abuse above. You did wrong but it's not the end of the world.

My guess is that you married too young. You still have wild oats to sow. It matters not if you love your partner- you can EASILY still yearn for 'outside' attention even if you love your partner.

It is precisely this reason that more marriages fail than work.

Say nothing to your partner and try not to do it again. If it persists then consider going solo. But for God's sake ask yourself this: is it worth what it'll do to the kids?

Zulu · 14-08-2007 11:56am

Talliesin wrote:

... so the only value in pointing this out is to stroke your own ego. That's the difference between righteous and self-righteous.

I have no interest in stroking my own ego. Sometime people need a "jolt" into action (Thaedydal I hope you approve). A verbal lambasting might achieve this, or it might not. Pandering to an attention seeker certainly won't help. (Apologies OP but I suspect you are an attention seeker).
You are aware that you sound equally "righteous" with your talk of high horses and egos?

I have very little patience for people who do immoral things and then cry "I couldn't help it" when they get caught. That very same attitude though means that when someone, like the OP, says "I want to stop" then I'd rather see them succeed in that than engage in morality-****.

We both agree on this point, but there are things in life that can't be talked through. Sometimes it takes moral fortitude, a brass neck and a pair of balls*. This is one of those times. The OP's actions are those of a child. She needs to grow up.

I think the OP should consider some counselling.

Perhaps.

...not do what you're delighting in telling her she shouldn't do, or does your high horse enjoy its new toy too much?

Did you really need to get that in? Productive was it? Disappointing Talliesin

*Brass neck and balls are a figure of speech and may not actually be required

Nevyn · 14-08-2007 12:04pm

I think the OP is trying to figure out why to understand and ensure that it does not happen again.

This could take a lot of self reflection and hard facing up to things about herself and her relationship which most people don't do for fear of what they may find.

It can often be in a relationship that you become too familiar with your long term partner and the thrill fades esp when you are both worn out from dealing with children and the everyday of running a household.

Zulu · 14-08-2007 12:35pm

Thaedydal wrote:

This could take a lot of self reflection and hard facing up to things about herself and her relationship which most people don't do for fear of what they may find.

Couldn't agree more

Marksie · 14-08-2007 12:58pm

Thaedydal wrote:

I think the OP is trying to figure out why to understand and ensure that it does not happen again.

This could take a lot of self reflection and hard facing up to things about herself and her relationship which most people don't do for fear of what they may find.

It can often be in a relationship that you become too familiar with your long term partner and the thrill fades esp when you are both worn out from dealing with children and the everyday of running a household.

It could be, or it could be the signs of something deeper. The OP did mention that this had started initially because of lack of affection due to teh partner drinking. We do not know the dynamic there so its all supposition, but it could be something hanging over from that. Some kind of reaffirmation of attractivness or lack of control on the OP part.

Whatever, it does seem to be some sort of self punishment (or even sone kind of subconscious punishment of the partner) as she isnt happy doing it and yet cannot stop. Its even possible that those who are severely critiscizing her are actually feeding this self punishment aspect. But that is just ruminating on my part.

The only person who can truly answer that question is the OP and as Thaed said, it is time for you to do some reflection and honest to goodness self assessment.

Talliesin · 14-08-2007 1:05pm

Two things that will prevent needed effort: Feeling there's no need, feeling there's no point.

If you feel no guilt then you will do nothing, for why should you?

If you feel nothing but guilt then you will do nothing, for how can you?

Oryx · 14-08-2007 3:05pm

Well, OP. Youve had your public flogging, but I think youve also had some pretty good advice, in the midst of the moralising.

To those who have been harsh: you are not in the OPs shoes. You dont know what her life has been like or what damage her partner's inattention and drinking has done to them both. Give her a break. To err is human, to forgive is divine.

Personally, I have no wish to make you feel any worse than you already do. I do think you love your partner and cherish your kids. But somehow you have a self destructive element that makes you forget about that and go for outside attention when its offered. I dont know why YOU personally do this, youll have to do some hard soul searching to figure that out. Perhaps you feel so bad about yourself you need someone else to like you, to make you feel good... wanted... Or on some level you resent your husband for what youve been through, and it makes you want to give some payback? Or as has been said, you might feel you havent lived enough and need to make up for lost time. Whatever it is, you need to be brutally honest with yourself in order to figure out what to do next to improve things. Thats hard to do, which is why outside counselling might help.

Anti · 14-08-2007 3:18pm

Bad Girl wrote:

Hi all regular poster here

I was at a party last night, and i kissed someone i should not have and i feel like ****

Earlier in the day my beter half was there with me and he offered to take the children home and leave me to enjoy my night with my friends..........and i went and did that on him.
Now it was a quick kiss nothin major but I have done this before on him . He found out and it nearly tore our lil family apart.

Why oh why do I do this????? He can be sooo good to me and I'm dreading goning home this evening to face him.

I do love him so why when I get attention elsewhere do I accept it??

BTW we r together 8 yrs , I'm 27 he is 35

Bold, Bold girl......

You were way out of line, and i have to agree with the attention whore comment ( not actual whore ) If you love him so much you would not have done this imho. Sounds to me like you are immature and want some fun. And arn't really into setteling down.

Talliesin · 14-08-2007 3:42pm

Anti wrote:

If you love him so much you would not have done this imho.

Maybe the pink cherub that miraculously stops people doing stupid or hurtful things to those they love was sick that day.

More likely IMHO. Love doesn't do a damn thing except through people. Love inspires us to work on things, but only a coward hopes love will sort anything out on its own.

texas star · 14-08-2007 4:10pm

I cant believe the slating the poor girl is getting it was a kiss,for gods sake. I would love to live in all your worlds where everything is so perfect.She has put her hands up to it. OP just forget about it and try no to do it again.

cowzerp · 14-08-2007 4:27pm

Talliesin wrote:

What wonderful insight you have into the human psyche. Now, what do you suggest she does?

stop cheating

Oryx · 14-08-2007 5:12pm

cowzerp wrote:

stop cheating

Concise, to the point, and completely useless. If life was that easy and emotion so easily controlled, noone would ever cheat, lie, or get fat.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2007 9:20am

Hi All

Thank you for all the replys no matter how harsh some of those were

The random snog was someone who I really liked but had not seen in 10 yrs so it wasn't just anyone.

I have torn myself apart mentally ever since, i hate myself and deserve some type of comeuppance(sp??)
I half wanted to tell him although he would kill me just so I can be punished but i don't thi9nk its the right way to go.

I have done nothing but put my family first for the past 8 yrs and it has always been first and foremost for me but sometimes I wonder who I am without being mammy y'know??

CrazyNoob · 15-08-2007 1:29pm

Bad Girl wrote:

The random snog was someone who I really liked but had not seen in 10 yrs so it wasn't just anyone.

I have done nothing but put my family first for the past 8 yrs and it has always been first and foremost for me but sometimes I wonder who I am without being mammy y'know??

Because its someone you liked doesnt justify it. Saying stuff like its 10 years and I liked him isnt the issue.
From where I sit I can see you doing it again

Primarily because of what you say putting family first for 8 years etc, thats exactly what you should do, you are a mother and have to face that and commended for the fact you've done this so far

BUT it still doesnt mean you dont have time for yourself and to treat yourself.

Kissing others isnt the way (its short term escapism)

The bit you have to work on with your family and you and your partner need to have time together alone sometimes too.

Oryx · 15-08-2007 1:47pm

Bad Girl wrote:

I have torn myself apart mentally ever since, i hate myself and deserve some type of comeuppance(sp??)

I think youre mentally punishing yourself anyway. Do you think you can let this go, and put down your guilt? Its not going to achieve anything (apart from reminding you not to do this again).

I half wanted to tell him although he would kill me just so I can be punished but i don't think its the right way to go.

Personally, I wouldnt. It may seem dishonest, but Id see that as taking the weight off your shoulders and putting it on his. Seriously, this is why catholics go to confession. To receive forgiveness without creating more pain. This was not a full on affair, just a lapse in judgement. Why wreck your life over it?

I have done nothing but put my family first for the past 8 yrs and it has always been first and foremost for me but sometimes I wonder who I am without being mammy y'know??

You definitely need an outlet to fulfil you, but sex is a very short term way of getting it. Perhaps talk to your other half about things you want, and discuss changing your situation a bit so you get to do things for you a bit more.

cowzerp · 15-08-2007 1:54pm

Bad Girl wrote:

The random snog was someone who I really liked but had not seen in 10 yrs so it wasn't just anyone.

That just makes it worse-that means there was feelings involved aswell-dont tell your partner or he'll be the 1 hurting for your betrayal, your a big girl and can make your own decisions, get a grip, move on and dont cheat again.

Talliesin · 15-08-2007 2:19pm

Bad Girl wrote:

The random snog was someone who I really liked but had not seen in 10 yrs so it wasn't just anyone.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm not sure it's either, but you felt a need to state it.

Bad Girl wrote:

I half wanted to tell him although he would kill me just so I can be punished but i don't thi9nk its the right way to go.

I think that's pretty much a cowardly way to react to your guilt.

There are reasons why you should tell him and reasons why you shouldn't, but doing it to get rid of the guilt isn't a good one. That's as selfish a reason as it would be if you decided not to tell him so that you could continue with such behaviour (or escalate it) and get away with it.

The decision should be made with regard to what effects its likely to bring in the future, since neither decision will have any effect upon the past.

Bad Girl wrote:

I have done nothing but put my family first for the past 8 yrs

That's not actually possible.

If you literally do nothing but put other people's interests ahead of your own you diminish yourself as a person.

If you are a diminished person you aren't as good for other people as you could be otherwise - not to say that you aren't normally good for them, but you could be a better if you were in a stronger position; everyone is better at everything when they are in a position of personal strength, especially when it comes to how you deal with other people.

Bad Girl wrote:

sometimes I wonder who I am without being mammy y'know??

Did snogging someone help you work that out?

I doubt it. You don't read like that's the aspect of your life where you are most unhappy, you read like you aren't even able to work out what aspect you are most unhappy in.

And if you are unhappy you will make bad choices. Happiness and wisdom are actually pretty hard to tell apart at a distance. Likewise unhappiness and folly.

Which isn't to say you should try the first idea for feeling good that comes to mind. That'll just lead you to doing something that makes you unhappier (like snogging someone on a night out and then feeling guilty about it).

Stop dwelling too much on that particular incident. It's giving yourself a stick to beat yourself with. That's a distraction from actually sorting yourself out, because as hurtful as it is to do so, it's still a lot easier. Then you'll feel guiltier and guiltier and less and less happy. Then you'll be talking to some guy who has a bit of charisma and you'll find yourself briefly distracted from your unhappiness. Then you'll start making out and maybe doing more than that (hey, might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb, after all). Then you'll be back here feeling even more guilty about that.

You are not in a position where you can coast along and where things will work out okay.

You are also not in a position where everything is doomed and there is nothing you can do.

You need to start moving forward in a lot of regards. Counselling can help give you a compass to do that, though so can other things.

Dwelling on it and not doing anything is the worse sort of selfishness. At least people being selfish in a way that is self-serving manage to please one person. This sort of selfishness doesn't even manage that.

The guilts

Comments