Unfinished Sympathy

ctrl-alt-delete

Unfinished Sympathy

Sometimes i wake up where the sun will never rise,
perspiring from a dream I've had and starting to surmise,
About a game I've played where nobody wins or loses,
A heart left beating black and blue from the bruises.


Just because we cease to speak, is not to say i do not think,
or take the time to make or break,or try my very best to shake,
the thoughts of distant memories that converge all my energies,
towards some unfinished sympathy.

You said if it's supposed to happen then it will be,
But nothing ever happened on it's own if you ask me.

---

Havn't written anything in ages, this just came out there in a matter of seconds. A bit messed up but it's supposed to be,


any comments appreciated

Lucas10101

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

Unfinished Sympathy

Sometimes i wake up where the sun will never rise,It's I not i, why sometimes? Clichéd statement and boring start mate.
perspiring from a dream I've had and starting to surmise,The flow didn't go well here at all, I stopped and started many times. Rise and Surmise is a crappy rhyme and seems forced. You could lose the "and" and shove in a comma. You could also lose the "I've had" as it adds nothing.
About a game I've played where nobody wins or loses,The "I've" repetition adds nothing to the poem. It's very clichéd and boring at this stage.
A heart left beating black and blue from the bruises.You have now made a transition with no reason, for a start Black and Blue suggests Bruising so you don't have to say it. Your syllabic meter is 12,14,14,12, so if you shorten the middle two lines and tighten them, the scheme will improve. It's still a boring theme.


Just because we cease to speak, is not to say i do not think,Forced rhyming here as well which is why it reads so bad. You have changed the rhyming scheme, it's all over the place. It's full of little words here and there which takes seriously from the flow.
or take the time to make or break,or try my very best to shake, Same thoughts here I think. The repetition adds no originality to the poem and makes it read crappy and boring.
the thoughts of distant memories that converge all my energies,
towards some unfinished sympathy. Trying to hard to impress and it shows by the lack of meaning in the last two lines here. It's slightly clichéd as well. The syllabic meter here is 20,16,16,9....see that the transition from the first to second stanza is so awkward by the bad use of poetic form here. It requires further change. I think the use of enjambment would create a better feel while tightening the form will help the flow thus increase potential meaning.

You said if it's supposed to happen then it will be,
But nothing ever happened on it's own if you ask me.All my comments above apply here.

I didn't like it, the theme, you conveyed no emotion or meaning in the poem. and it was created of a bunch of clichéd imagery which had little effect due to the lack of conveying the meaning correctly. I think you should take my comments on board to improve more.

Lucas.

---

Havn't written anything in ages, this just came out there in a matter of seconds. A bit messed up but it's supposed to be,


any comments appreciated

Lucas

dublinario

Lucas, are you taking the p*ss? That is the most contrived, postured drivel I've read on boards.ie under the guise of "constructive criticism". Your feedback is abysmal, and badly written. Ok, it's only feedback, and as such not subject to the same scrutiny as a finished poem; but I still find it galling to read such a comprehensive deconstruction from somebody who writes this badly:

Lucas10101 wrote:

I didn't like it, the theme, you conveyed no emotion or meaning in the poem. and it was created of a bunch of clichéd imagery which had little effect due to the lack of conveying the meaning correctly. I think you should take my comments on board to improve more.

You haven't a leg to stand on mate! Your own writing is extremely poor.

DC

I'm not sure why Lucas felt the need to be so vitriolic. The poem might not be the greatest poem in the world, but I found it enjoyable all the same.

Fair enough, the second verse may not have the same rhyming scheme as the first, but as someone who believes poetry should be free of the shackles that some poetry nazis would impose, I thought it still worked well. Everyone is free to come up with their own schemes, as far as I am concerned.

The final couplet (if I have my terminology right) is very nice.

the raven

dublinario, hear hear!
i started reading Lucas' response and following the terrible surprise i found myself laughing...

i'm not going to flame his *ahem* questionable response, i'll go straight ahead to my criticism of the poem.

i really liked this line: "A heart left beating black and blue",
however with the end tacked on, "from the bruises", it is a confused metaphor - what i mean is, the heart is now terribly discolored but not caused by bruising because the discoloration is bruising, i feel it can be easily misread; you don't mean to say that bruising causes bruises... battery causes bruising... or whatever.

(i'm at that stage where when you say a word over and over it literally loses all meaning to you...)

i just have to say this as well, ignore that sh1t about syllabic meter, as long as it sounds right it's fine. one of the main tenets of poetry (imo) is that as long as it sounds well when spoken aloud it's absofuknlutely fine.
i really think that's one of the best ways of ironing out a piece actually, is saying it aloud, seriously focusing on the lines as you say them. it's a part of what will dictate your punctuation and how you want it to be read. as well as the fact that it'll identify irksome rhyming or some stutter of rhythm.

good work

busted flush

the thing here is you write on here and its seen by anyone who want to waste their time by reading what you have to say.i disagree with lucas however he is certainly entitled to write what he wrote . if we all came on here back slaping and pumping our already inflated egos what disgusting bunch of bastards we would be. i taught it was again average like most of the stuff on here however rome was not built in a day!
my advice here is keep it as an unfinished sympathy

Spyral

I like it, sod lucas

dublinario

busted flush wrote:

the thing here is you write on here and its seen by anyone who want to waste their time by reading what you have to say.i disagree with lucas however he is certainly entitled to write what he wrote . if we all came on here back slaping and pumping our already inflated egos what disgusting bunch of bastards we would be. i taught it was again average like most of the stuff on here however rome was not built in a day!
my advice here is keep it as an unfinished sympathy

I don't fundamentally disagree with you, about the general quality of the writing or the right to criticise. But I think you open yourself up to a unique (to the writing forum) kind of rebuttal when you say ..."i does think yer writing is crap, could yiz like, try to improve more and be beter at de writin". The nerve of this guy Lucas to ostentatiously deconstruct a short poem line-by-line with semi-literate (if not quarter-literate) flailings.

Anybody can criticise. Anybody can criticise forcefully. But if you're going to lambaste, shouldn't you at least be competent in the domain? I wouldn't go up to Gordon Ramsey, shove toast in his face and tell him he's a sh*te cook.