Forget the soaps - read this post!

LegacyUser

I’ve just been offered an affordable house in an area of south Dublin. I’ve accepted it and since found, so my horror, that situated just streets away is the home of an ex of one of my ex’s. This woman is raising his daughter, which’d be fine and dandy - only problem is I’m raising his son and these kids are both in their early teens, only a year or so between them!

This woman and myself have both split with the father of our kids and have nothing to do with each other, we’ve never met, nor have our kids. My son knows he has a half sister, but has no idea where she lives. Her daughter knows nothing at all about her half brother, not even that he exists.

I’d have preferred for the kids to have been some part of eachothers lives (probably my own son being an only child had some part in my feeling that way) and I asked his father years ago if he’d be agreeable to them meeting, but he told me no go. He doesn’t want to upset his ex who apparently has some big-time resentments regarding me and my son.

I honestly think maybe the only logical way to approach it is to keep my mouth shut till he’s a couple of years older and is better able to handle the news. Of course that leaves open the possibility that he might actually meet her on his own steam and God only knows where that could lead! It dosent bear thinking about.. (I have nothing to do with my sons father by the way. He’s had no part in our lives and we had the conversation about the kids at one point a few years back when we ran into eachother in the street.)

This feels to me like a real scandalous soap-opera situation! I’ve waited a long time for this house, we’ll be moving in any day now and I could let my nerves get torn apart by stress if I thought about it long enough. I’d really appreciate any genuine guidance on the issue, and my main question is this:

Do you all think it’d be possible to just take this house and get on with my life and ignore the close proximity? I mean, many people live their lives having nothing to do with their next-door neighbours, so would it matter that my sons half sister is living a few streets away???

None of us have ever even come eye to eye, so it's not like we'd even recognise eachother if we ended up passing eachother by. I've been practically counting the days till I got an offer of a house and I dont feel like I should have to mess this up just because my then-bf started screwing around and got some other woman up the pole many moons ago.

Please help!!!

Sleepy

TBH, my opinion is that your son and his half-sister have a right to know each other, regardless of her mother's feelings.

Since the father appears to have no part of either of his kids' lives I honestly can't see how he has any right to have any say in how they're raised.

Take the house, maybe let the mother know that you're going to be neighbours if you have any means of communicating with her (maybe a old fashioned letter since you seem to have her address) and let her know you'd like them to meet through ye're doing rather than what could happen if they meet on the street alone (I'm sure she'll share your fears on that front).

Congrats on your new home!

metrovelvet

It doesnt seem particularly scandalous.

Who you are protecting and why?

Zillah

Wow that is really soap opera-like.

Ok, I'm not involved so its very easy for me to say this, but I still its the right thing to do. Contact the mother, tell her you're moving in nearby. Express your concerns that they might meet on their own. Tell her you're sorry if she feels hard done by but that that isn't whats important anymore, the children are. They have a right to know they have siblings and that you'd like to arrange a meeting. If you don't think you're son is old enough, perhaps contact her now and discuss it and maybe plan something for the future.

And to be very honest the father can go to Hell. Such audacity to make demands of two women he has left his children with!

Exit

To hell with what the father or the other woman thinks. What you should care about is you and your son. You wanted this house for a long time, so take it. Don't let other people's problems get in the way of your happiness. If your son is old enough, I would actually tell him that his half-sister is living across the road, so don't try anything on with her. You don't need permission from the other mother to tell your son this.

daiixi

Your son knows he has a half sister so tell him that he should maybe keep that in mind whenever he beds any strange girl in the future.

SarahSassy

Your loyalty is with your son... He should know that he has a half sister and he can then make his own decisions as to whether he should make contact. I would do this sooner rather than later as he may feel he has a lot of lost time to catch up on with her.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote:

TBH, my opinion is that your son and his half-sister have a right to know each other, regardless of her mother's feelings.

I agree with that completely Sleepy, in fact I always have, but I'm only the parent to my own child and I don’t feel I have the right to make decisions for this girls parents. I will tell my son when I feel the time is right, but as to whether they meet, that's a few years away I reckon. (unless of course it happened by chance - God help us!)

Sleepy wrote:

Since the father appears to have no part of either of his kids' lives I honestly can't see how he has any right to have any say in how they're raised.

Well that's one of the problems, he does have a hand in his daughters life. It’d shift the perspective of the situation if he didn’t. Him and her mother only split five or six years ago, so their little girl was raised by both parents for most of her life. He still sees his daughter, or at least he was still seeing her at weekends the last time I spoke to him, which was three years ago now. If he maintains they should not meet where does that leave me? There really isnt much I can do about that, as like I said, I cant make decisions for anyone elses child.

Apparently and according to him his ex is still consumed with jealousy and resentment because he and I had a child together. He told me he’d be in “big trouble” if she even found out he’d stopped to talk to me in the street, and he was telling me this two years after they’d split up!!! I’m not taking his word for it on the issue of her feelings either; I didn’t imagine her screaming like a banshee down the phone at me many moons ago. I know how she feels about me, she’s made that perfectly clear herself. Long story short:

He and I met, spent 18mths living together, had a row that went on for a couple of weeks and during that time they met. She got pregnant within six weeks, so I, thoroughly disgusted, blew off on him. They fell out the following year, he and I had begun seeing eachother again and I got pregnant. I kicked his arse out when he tried it on with my flatmate, he then went back to her and stayed with her for a good many years (and she was more than bloody welcome to him after I finally accepted what a dirtbird he was over the flatmate carry on) - and now this sorry house business is the latest chapter in the saga!

Sleepy wrote:

Take the house, maybe let the mother know that you're going to be neighbours if you have any means of communicating with her (maybe a old fashioned letter since you seem to have her address) and let her know you'd like them to meet through ye're doing rather than what could happen if they meet on the street alone (I'm sure she'll share your fears on that front).

Congrats on your new home!

I dont have her address, I've only been told that she is living in a small estate of a few streets which is adjoining the new (equally small) estate I'll be going to, so even if I had a mind to send her a letter I'd have about sixty houses to choose from! It'd be do-able to find her I suppose, if/when my head starts working in that direction. I just dont think it's something I should do now while the kids are this young. I think they'd be better able to handle it when they got to their mid teens at least, and I also think this girl will be more likely to know her own mind at seventeen or so and be able to make a decision about meeting my son, independent of her mothers bias.

As for my own son, somebody asked me who I was protecting and why - I'm protecting my son and I think the 'why' part may be obvious now that I've laid all these other details out. I'm not about to expose my son to a grown up's animosity, nor am I about to tell him and expect him to keep it to himself, that wouldnt be right and would just introduce mental confusion he's too young for.

Thank you for your congratulations Sleepy, and thanks to everyone who advised me to take the house. I really do want this house and it'd be a bitter pill for me if I had to back out over this, or anything else. It’s still freaking me out though – I’ve been up there to check the proximity out and you could walk from the centre of that estate to the centre of mine in five or so minutes!!!

Chinafoot

daiixi wrote:

Your son knows he has a half sister so tell him that he should maybe keep that in mind whenever he beds any strange girl in the future.

That's what popped into my head too. Now that really would be a soap opera!

Your son has a right to know his sister. You, his sister's mother and his father have no right to stand in the way of that. Think how much he could resent you in years to come when he finds out that he's missed out on a relationship with a member of his family because of the demands of a deadbeat dad and a jealous ex.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote:

Think how much he could resent you in years to come when he finds out that he's missed out on a relationship with a member of his family because of the demands of a deadbeat dad and a jealous ex.

Why would he resent me? I never had a problem with him meeting and forming a relationship with his half sister, in fact I've actively sought that out for him and been knocked back. I'm sure if he's going to resent anyone the people he'd be logically likely to resent would be the deadbeat dad and the jealous ex.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond, but I think this thread is getting a little off topic. What I'm querying here is whether or not, in these complicated circumstances, it'd be wise to take this house.

Beruthiel

nervesgone wrote:

What I'm querying here is whether or not, in these complicated circumstances, it'd be wise to take this house.

Try not to over think things. A house like this doesn't come along every day, take it, live your life as happily as you can and let the cards fall where they may.
This woman sounds like she has more than a few issues, why should you be even contemplating not taking this house because of her? Get some perspective nervesgone! This is her problem, not yours. It's a free country and you can live where ever you wish.

As for your son, be honest with him, about everything. I have no doubt that at some time in the future he will go looking for his sister, he has every right to and that woman is nothing but selfish to keep this from her daughter.

daiixi makes a very good point, at the very least your son should know what his sister looks like, if they were to meet as strangers that would be a rather large twist in this soap opera of yours.

Enjoy your new home and best of luck.

SarahSassy

Definitely take the house and good luck to you both.

biko

Tell your son he has a half sister named Niamh (or whatever her first name is) and that you hope that they can meet sometime, just not now?

Who knows, maybe they'll meet somewhere somehow but at least he'll know her first name then.

Take the house.

0utshined

Your family = You + your son. Not your ex. You need to do what's best for you and your son and that means taking that house. Don't even question that!

Personally, I'd tell my son so 1) nothing happened between the kids and 2) he knew who his sister was.

I don't know why in the fúck yo would care about anything that got your son's father in trouble with his ex? That's his problem not yours. He gave up the right to input into his sons upbringing when he bailed and IGNORED him 10+ years ago.

You seem concerned about the girl finding out if her parents don't want her to know. I wouldn't, they've had long enough to tell her. If you really are then contact the parents and tell them two things : 1) You are moving to that street on X date and 2) You are telling you are telling your son who his sister is on Y date. Really, it's not your problem. If they don't want her to know then let the other woman move. How often do you get an offer for a house like that?

Do what's right for you and your son not other people.

ali.c

I can see you concern about your son being exposed to animousity by this women. But just to give u my experience as it may be relevant, i have a 1/2 sister i have never met, it seems that both her and her mother had no interest in them meeting us (my dads new family). My dad still kept in touch just we never met. It was explained to me when i was around 7/8, it bothered me for a while (couldnt believe that she had no interest in meeting me tbh) and then i just accepted it the way kids do.

I would be for explaining it to him, details depending on his age and then let it go. I think giving your son the necessary information is the way to protect him and then when he gets to dating age you can fill him in on some of the additional details.

Chinafoot

nervesgone wrote:

Why would he resent me? I never had a problem with him meeting and forming a relationship with his half sister, in fact I've actively sought that out for him and been knocked back. I'm sure if he's going to resent anyone the people he'd be logically likely to resent would be the deadbeat dad and the jealous ex.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond, but I think this thread is getting a little off topic. What I'm querying here is whether or not, in these complicated circumstances, it'd be wise to take this house.

I'm not trying to offend, just mentioning a possibility. He may think that you didn't fight enough for him to have this relationship and that you should have thought "screw what my ex says, my son whould know his sister" instead of letting him decide that his son should be kept away from his sister. Again, I'm not suggesting that you did that, nor am I trying to offend you, but it's possibility your son could feel that way, however illogical it may be.

Of course you should take the house. You said yourself you've been waiting for this to happen so why should you be put off just because this woman had a problem with you? View it in a positive light and maybe see it as an opportunity to help your son form this relationship with his sister before he misses any more time.

metrovelvet

warning: propinquity + combatibility can = great relationship

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Try not to over think things. A house like this doesn't come along every day, take it, live your life as happily as you can and let the cards fall where they may.
This woman sounds like she has more than a few issues, why should you be even contemplating not taking this house because of her? Get some perspective nervesgone! This is her problem, not yours. It's a free country and you can live where ever you wish.

Thanks so much Beruthiel and everyone else! I can’t believe there hasn’t been a single person yet telling me not to take the house, maybe I have been over-thinking things. As I said earlier, lots of people have no dealings with the people living either side of them, so maybe this needn’t be nearly as big an issue as I thought.

And yes, I've always thought it was cruel and selfish of them to deny their child her own half brother in her life. She wouldnt hear of it and he went along with her for the sake of an easy life. I've never asked him for anything in fiscal terms, I know I'm entitled but I’ve never even considered it. To take money from him would have meant to hand over some kind of parental rights, and he's obviously not the sort of man who deserves them. My son deserves better and he's gotten better because I've seen to it that he has.

It never seemed right to me that the kids would know nothing of eachother, that's why I told my own child about his half sister. As for them not telling their daughter, I've said I always thought that cruel, but I think it's particularly so as she has no full blooded brothers. At least I know when the time comes I can say I was honest with my son about her existence, if not her proximity initially. I wonder what she'll be telling her daughter when the time comes?

Oh and Outshined, I’m not bothered in the least if his ex chews the head off him. I’m not bothered now and I wasn’t bothered ten years ago when I told her on the phone exactly what a cheating knacker he was, and I’m quite sure she let him have it after that conversation! The biggest reason why I worried about whether or not to take this house was because I don’t want to be putting my son in the predicament where he is being raised in a hostile environment. Being a single mother makes a woman very protective of her kids as there’s no one else there to do the worrying or pick up the pieces when something goes wrong in their lives and there's no man there to fill the traditional male role of family 'protector'. Another reason I’ve been thinking so deeply on this was because I was wondering if I actually have the moral right to move practically under her nose in these circumstances and possibly help create a situation which could emotionally damage her child also, who after all didn’t ask to be born any more than my son did, and I'm surprised that that issue hasnt come up in the general consensus here at all (or maybe I've spoken too soon, as that tayto add goes; there's always one! lol)

I'm feeling pretty relieved now people - so thanks again everyone!

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote:

warning: propinquity + combatibility can = great relationship

Well, when I take this house the propinquity is a given, but there is nothing to suggest compatibility. (Assuming this was a misspelling and that is what you meant)

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote:

I'm not trying to offend, just mentioning a possibility. He may think that you didn't fight enough for him to have this relationship and that you should have thought "screw what my ex says, my son whould know his sister" instead of letting him decide that his son should be kept away from his sister. Again, I'm not suggesting that you did that, nor am I trying to offend you, but it's possibility your son could feel that way, however illogical it may be.

Of course you should take the house. You said yourself you've been waiting for this to happen so why should you be put off just because this woman had a problem with you? View it in a positive light and maybe see it as an opportunity to help your son form this relationship with his sister before he misses any more time.

Thanks Chinafoot. I wasn’t offended, just kind of not relishing the idea of him resenting me over it, which I sincerely hope wont be the case. I fully intend to make it my business to tell him all the opposition to their meeting came from the other camp, which it 100% did and I'm very glad to be able to say so. Maybe that's because I gave up on my sons father a long time ago. Maybe her mother just had emotional involvements that were too deep to allow her see beyond her own jealousies. *shrug*

As for the advice on taking the house, yes I intend to do that now. I'll let you all know how it goes!

Beruthiel

nervesgone wrote:

Another reason I’ve been thinking so deeply on this was because I was wondering if I actually have the moral right to move practically under her nose in these circumstances and possibly help create a situation which could emotionally damage her child also, who after all didn’t ask to be born any more than my son did, and I'm surprised that that issue hasnt come up in the general consensus here at all

What moral right!? This doesn't come into it here. This is not your doing, and you can do what ever the hell you like.
You sound well adjusted unlike the rest of these people involved. Not your problem that they cannot act like grown ups.
If I understood your comments correctly, these kids are in their teens? That means this woman has had 13 to 17 years to get her head around this situation?
Anyone who is still hanging on to this sort of bitterness after such a long period of time is clearly in need of a professional. Most normal adults would have come to terms with this by now and let it go. They would have gotten some perspective on it and made some decisions.
I find the selfishness of this woman galling, to keep the fact that her own child has a brother away from her is unforgivable imo. The truth will always out in the end and her daughter will be none too pleased with her. I wouldn't give a toss about anyones feelings here except your own sons, doing right by him is all that counts.

Miss Fluff

First and foremost congratulations on the house OP:) As far as I can tell your ex is a complete scumbag who has had a hand in jeopardising your happiness at numerous points in your life, don't let him or his actions (past or present) influence YOUR decision on YOUR happiness any longer.

I lived in the UK some years ago and I knew a guy called Richie. Richie was out in a neighbouring town one night and got talking to a dolly bird. They were snogging the face off one another, things getting hot and heavy when he went to the mens toilet's at closing time to procure himself some condoms for the night that lay ahead. In the interim, an old local man came into the toilet after Richie and said you obviously don't have any idea that is your sister do you? Richie's father was of African descent and when he gave it a moment's thought there was no question of the resemblance. His Mum had never told him he had a half-sister however.

You don't have to go into HUGE details with your son just now but he does need to know. Biko's suggestion of finding out the child's name and at least telling your son that he has a sister called "blah" and she lives in "blah" should make him wary in future. I wouldn't protect your ex, he has no part in your life anymore but you do need to protect your son and the information is better coming from you.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

What moral right!? This doesn't come into it here. This is not your doing, and you can do what ever the hell you like.

Thanks Beruthiel; you would think she'd hold her ex to some sort of account, but she always seems to have been of the attitude that it is the women (and yes I do mean as in the plural, he hurt her with more women than me) who are at fault and that her ex's trousers repetitively just dropped independent of any thought process on his part.

Beruthiel wrote:

If I understood your comments correctly, these kids are in their teens? That means this woman has had 13 to 17 years to get her head around this situation?

Yes, they are in thier early teens. Her daughter will be fifteen on her next birthday, shortly after Christmas. My son was born literally a couple of weeks after her daughters first birthday.

Beruthiel wrote:

Anyone who is still hanging on to this sort of bitterness after such a long period of time is clearly in need of a professional.

Thank you for that line, lol. I fully intend to steal it if I ever come face to face with her b!tchery!

Beruthiel wrote:

I wouldn't give a toss about anyones feelings here except your own sons, doing right by him is all that counts.

Yes, you're right, and it IS the right thing to do, I think, to take this house. My son deserves a stable home, same as her daughter has had all these years. To hell with it! Now as I think of it, it took me longer to get myself together to be in the financial position to take this house precisely BECAUSE I was a single parent and didnt have the support that she enjoyed throughout her childrearing days, so it's hitting me now that I've already been penalised for any mistakes I may have made and added to that the mistakes of somebody else, so yes, to hell with it - the next call I make will be to organise the man with the van!!! LOL!

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

First and foremost congratulations on the house OP:)

Thanks! It's been a long time in the coming and if I were to stupidly turn it down who knows how long I'd be left waiting for another offer? If it were to take a couple more years my son would be practically raised by then. That's another one of the thoughts that's been spinning around in my mind and causing me so much stress.

Miss Fluff wrote:

As far as I can tell your ex is a complete scumbag who has had a hand in jeopardising your happiness at numerous points in your life, don't let him or his actions (past or present) influence YOUR decision on YOUR happiness any longer.

You have no idea how true that is Miss Fluff. The mad thing is I was only three years older than her daughter is now when I got pregnant and I was treated for depression on and off for years after the birth of the baby. I had no family support either and I found single parenthood such a hard struggle to cope with alone.

Miss Fluff wrote:

I lived in the UK some years ago and I knew a guy called Richie. Richie was out in a neighbouring town one night and got talking to a dolly bird. They were snogging the face off one another, things getting hot and heavy when he went to the mens toilet's at closing time to procure himself some condoms for the night that lay ahead. In the interim, an old local man came into the toilet after Richie and said you obviously don't have any idea that is your sister do you? Richie's father was of African descent and when he gave it a moment's thought there was no question of the resemblance. His Mum had never told him he had a half-sister however.

Well that story just gave me the heebie-jeebies all over my body! Dont worry, I'll never let a situation like that develop!

(by the way, it's worth reporting - my nerves arent gone anymore! Isnt this internet a wonderful tool? lol)