What the hell is wrong with me?

lilmissprincess

Okay, I'm 15 years old, I've started going out with an amazing guy a couple of weeks back and its going great. I haven't felt this happy around someone in a long long time, and I'm really happy that i'm with him cos he's a lovely guy etc.
Before I got with him, I was in a pretty bad way, for the past year and a half I took my frustrations out by bashing my head off a brick wall. Theres a lot of stuff that has happened over the last three years, and I realise my name is not anonymous here so I'm hoping that if anyone who knows me sees this that they won't blame stuff I may or may not have done in the past. Theres stuff that I can't forget, that I let get to me and it makes me feel so unnaturally bad about myself.
I'm friends with very few people at the moment who I was friends with three years ago, but I still have that constant fear that everyone who I love and care about is going to walk away from me, due to me doing or saying something stupid, or some other unexplained reason. I'm afraid of the past reliving itself. One of my best friends is a twenty year old guy and for teh past few months we had something going on, like we'd flirt like mad and stuff like that, it was the fact that he was in college in Dublin and that we would rarely see each other that we said would stop us doing anything about how we felt. So gradually I got over this guy, and things are good between us and stuff, if more distant...
Over the last year and a half I was bullied by a younger student at my school who hangs out with people I used to be friends with. It was somewhat sorted out before school ended in June but I'm still left wondering what the hell awaits me in September, last year she managed to turn some very close friends against me for a couple of months.
For a few months i ended up going to a "counsellor" in school, a trained teacher, on the advice of my principal who after seeing the effect the bullying had on me decided I needed to filter my anger into a healthy way. I came out with a lot of stuff to her but still had a lot kept inside taht i have told nobody.
And now, even in my happy state of being crazy about my new boyfriend, I'm finding myself being drawn into this state of feeling so useless and stupid about choices I make and even the things I say to people. I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a month, brought on by a comment from my boyfriend which he didn't intend to hurt me but it did...
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy???

Jack Vegas

You kind of slipped the thing about the 20 year old lad flirting with you in there on the sly, hoping it wouldnt be noticed.

Ill tell you first off, that fella is a sick ****.

Carsinian Thau

lilmissprincess wrote:

For a few months i ended up going to a "counsellor" in school, a trained teacher, on the advice of my principal who after seeing the effect the bullying had on me decided I needed to filter my anger into a healthy way. I came out with a lot of stuff to her but still had a lot kept inside taht i have told nobody.

You need to tell this teacher what you kept hidden. If you can't tell them then you'll have to find someone else to talk to.
It's not pleasant to be in your position (believe me, I know) but if this teacher is actually trained (or someone else is actually trained) you can be helped.
As for what awaits you in school in September, you may find that things have settled down over the summer or maybe even people have recognised their mistakes and want to make ammeds. Otherwise, things are usually so hectic that you'll have some time to develop a strategy to deal with things.
I think the reason why your boyfriend's comment hurt so much is that you have too much stuff in your head. Try fixing the major issues and stuff like that may just fall into place.

lilmissprincess wrote:

I took my frustrations out by bashing my head off a brick wall.

I know how addictive self harm can be. It used to be a major problem for me. That's something that you really have to tell someone about. If you can't do that, set yourself a time frame to get out of it and if you haven't done it by then, then tell someone. e.g. Aim to restrain yourself completely within about a month.

It really is very important that you talk to someone about everything. I never did and I had t get over a lot of stuff on my own. I'm not fully fixed even now. If you talk to someone you could save yourself a lot of time and even prevent yourself from being damaged.

It may feel that you are completely on your own in this and while it is true that you are alone in your symptoms, there are people who really want to (and can) help.

Btw, in answer to your thread title question, there really is nothing wrong with you. You just have a little problem that needs addressing. Just make sure you see to it before it gets too big.

Storm_rages

just want to second what Carsinian Thau said/
There is nothing at all wrong with you but you may need to talk to someone.
Being 15 is horrible and i would never go back there, but things do change and it will get better.

cocoa

I agree with Storm_rages there, being fifteen / growing up in general / being bullied can be really terrible. I got my fair share of bullying but I can only imagine the sort of nasty psychological harm that girls do to each other. (I'm not trying to dis girls here, I'm just saying that in general lads will be more physical which is sometimes a lot easier to recover from, while girls are much more into nasty hurtful mind games).

I can imagine you're dreading returning to school but don't. Try to ignore it, try to enjoy the end of the summer. If you let what happens in school follow you home and eat you up with worry or fear that will be terrible, but if you can leave all that in school and enjoy yourself outside of it then it won't even seem so bad. It will be much, much easier to not mind about this stuff if you talk to people about it, wrapping yourself up in your own thoughts can seem like a good idea but it helps so much to vent to someone.

Better still, you might not have any trouble whatsoever in school, I sincerely hope so anyway.

And again, things do change, this will not last forever no matter how terrible or eternal it may feel. Even if you do feel down and unhappy, keep on going! This too will pass.

No, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you, everyone has problems, everyone feels down, everyone has different ways of dealing with things. You sound to me like you have a fairly good knowledge of yourself and you'll realise when and if there's something wrong. I think you understand how to make things better and I think you can.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Im 14 almost fifteen and I know exactly what your goin through. I was bullied like you when I was younger and I kept it all bottled up inside.I would advise you to talk to someone you trust about how your feeling. It really does help. Also the way you said that the comment your bf made hurt you even tho he didnt mean it to- dnt worry, I always seem to cry over little things, I think its hormones and stuff and I find it very theriputic(sp?) to cry...basically I give myself 10 mins to cry and then convince myself to cop on...I dunno I dont wallow in it and you shouldnt either!Hope I helped.
Your not alone believe me!xx

Talliesin

lilmissprincess wrote:

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy???

Not everything can be fixed quickly or fixed perfectly.

You're at a stage in life where on the one hand more things happen that won't just go away in a couple of weeks (in general, and it's better to not be one of the exceptions that's well used to this by now) and on the other where you haven't dealt with as many such things, so you aren't used to some things being a matter of the long haul.

You're also at a stage when there are fewer things important to you that are internally important and more externally important (compare a young child whose primary concern is Dora the Explorer as the one extreme and someone with a business and family to think about on the other - you're way past one point, but not entirely at the other point and while the years that for most people bring the greatest amount of adult freedom with the lowest amount of adult responsibility are coming up this is a rather frustrating point in the transition). All through your life the degree to which those things that are important to you are important outside of you as well has increased and this is a point of a bit of a "growth spurt" in this regard. The same thing is happening to your peers, but not necessarily at the same rate which can lead to a bit of a disconnect*. A disconnect can also come from taking very different views on those things that are newly important to you and your peers.

The issues you've been dealing with are one of the long-haul things. It won't be dealt with quickly because it simply can't be dealt with quickly.

At your age even defining "happy" can be hard. What makes you happy is going through a transition now too and it can be hard to keep up with just what the hell it is, never mind pursuing it.

You've explained how you've made a lot of progress on some important issues. Great, you're doing well, but it's not a sprint so you won't reach the finish line any minute now. It's a marathon, and when it's over there'll be another one.

Don't worry too hard about the finish line, just get into your stride.

* This is one of the reasons that nerds - who tend to have more of an interest in some matters that will still be important when they are adults - tend to have a harder time at this age but also - since we tend to later maintain an interest in fun things like comic books and computer games - tend to have more fun as adults, but it certainly doesn't just apply to nerds.

lilmissprincess

I'm known as a nerd cos I tend to hide away from people, live on my computer and the internet and just write. I've found a place where i actually fit, where i can let everything out without people thinking im a psychotic freak, its just a character in Youth Theatre, and I live for the two hours a week where I just belong with these other people who see what they want to see. Sadly thats not on during the summer....

Talliesin

Ever read http://paulgraham.com/nerds.html ?
I don't agree with all of what he says there, but you might be able to take something from that.

milkerman

Hey Princess,
Teen years do suck.
Stay to hell away from that 20 year old, in a moment of weakness he could become a RAPIST in the eyes of the law, even if you say yes.
Stay with the counselling, it does help. It is sometimes easier to discuss a painfull issue with a dispassionate observer than a parent.
The other chimps consider you a nerd because you have an interest in theatre. Their views will change when they grow out of their Bratz dolls. Was it Wilde said 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars'. Sad thing is, you will always meet naysayers & begrudgers in day to day life.
Your BF does raise a good point, try to be happy, don't worry about September. Your little bully friend is just trying to heal her own inadequacies by having a go at you.
Enjoy the rest of your holidays.

shanethemofo

When i read These posts im always reminded of The Hackers Manifesto. You Do what u like, what makes you happy. In your case its theater. It makes you happy so jump at any oportunity to get involved. You will make loads of new friends .

Dont listen to what anyone says to you in school, and those people you regarded as friends who got turned away from you?

If they were your true friends then why didnt they support you?

As for hurting yourself, i understand that you have to be in that position to understand why, but god nothing can be so bad as so you would need to harm youself!


Now i know hacking has nothing to do with your problem but i hope you will see where im coming from here

The Hackers Manifesto - The Mentor
Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"...

Damn kids. They're all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain, ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?

I am a hacker, enter my world...

Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...

Damn underachiever. They're all alike.

I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it. "No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..."

Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.

I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me...
Or feels threatened by me...
Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...

Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.

And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is found. "This is it... this is where I belong..."

I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...

Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...

You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals.
We explore... and you call us criminals.
We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals.
We exist without skin color, without nationality, without
religious bias... and you call us criminals.
You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

+++The Mentor+++

Talliesin

shanethemofo wrote:

If they were your true friends then why didnt they support you?

One of the sad things about being that age is that on the one hand your friends become your entire world (you've begun to break away from your family, but you don't yet have a family of your own or much to actually do in life except go to school) and yet the sort of things that really show someone's mettle haven't happened yet (and of course they're going through their own growing stuff too).

ali.c

lilmissprincess wrote:

Over the last year and a half I was bullied by a younger student at my school who hangs out with people I used to be friends with. It was somewhat sorted out before school ended in June but I'm still left wondering what the hell awaits me in September, last year she managed to turn some very close friends against me for a couple of months.

Right i just wanted to chip in on this point here. This is actually very common in bully situations, your "friends" choose the bully over you. I think there is a self-preservation issue though, it seems they would rather turn against you than go through what this girl was putting you through. Try not and be too harsh on them, granted they should of been stronger and its not pleasant but for friends of somone who is being bullied its a strong fear.

As for when september comes, hold your head up high and deal with what comes up. You cant predict how other people are going to behave so there is no point in worry about it till it comes around.

JacobM

You kind of slipped the thing about the 20 year old lad flirting with you in there on the sly, hoping it wouldnt be noticed.

Ill tell you first off, that fella is a sick ****.

He could be. But even at 20 most people are not very mature.

Everyone lives their own lives and that is difficult especially if they seem to accept each others but not your own. It seems unfair when one person is always supported but they seem not to support you. And it probably is. But if you are able to make decisions on your own and be decisive you might find that you are right all along and you will help other people.

Most girls/women don't get enough physical activity. It is a good way to stay healthy. And it expends energy. There are many things you can do. Some of them are only good for exercises, like fitness clubs and lifting weights (which is not popular among females). I ride a bicycle. It is great transportation. Some people jog. Others play sports. Other activities accomplish things and can be satisfying. Like washing a car, although this can lead to anal compulsion which would just add to the list of complexes. Whatever it is you like, you do it. But don't abuse substances even if others are. It is unappealing and that leads to failed relations and poor life decisions.

lilmissprincess

I ride a bicycle too. Up to last week i cycled 6 miles to and from work five days a week for this summer. But it was then during that time that I had time to think cos I was alone, and that was what terrified me cos I had all these thoughts of just, I don't know how to describe it, it was liek my thoughts were turning against me. I mentioned this to a friend only last night(the 20 year old, tbh), and he put forward the point that your thoughts don't turn against you, you do, you judge all the little things...he asked me what the hell I was judging and I couldn't tell him cos I didn't know...
Yeah, the theatre thing is what I'm sticking with, I have done since I was eight years old(is it strange that I've been bullied for 5 out of those seven years after starting it?)....
The friends who turned against me for that brief time....I'm sort of friends with them now, edgily due to fear of deja vu, I realise that some "friends" are lost forever and that's a fact I have to deal with.
Thanks for the manifesto and the link.
And thanks for all your advice.