Eh, so should i be in the dog house?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

The last time i saw my gf was saturday evening for dinner. We had a great time, went for a drink after (i can't drink at the moment due to sports commitments). I have 2 jobs for the summer - so i'm working 7 days a week, and this week the full time one had some overtime going so i told her i probably wouldn't get to see her until tomorrow (saturday). She was a bit testy about that but i countered that because of her job i've regularly gone a week or more without seeing her and never made an issue of it.

So i did o/t on tuesday, but on wed is was cancelled but it was too late in the day to organise anything. Last night (thurs) i was in the second job as always and she has never had a problem with that. She checked her own work schedule for the next few weeks on tuesday and she's working all weekend 8am-8pm both days, so that rules them out. I had told a friend i'd go to a 21st with him tonight and i can't see my gf and now she's p1ssed with me. I won't be drinking tonight, just going to show my face for a couple of hours.

I won't see her till tuesday now, which wouldn't be that uncommon because she works a week of nights fairly regularly and sometimes her work means i wouldn't get to see her for a week even when she's just doing regular shifts.

It's just inconvenient timing and it's nothing new. Now she's angry with me, but it's hardly my fault is it? It's just life, and it's a bit busy at the moment. In 3 weeks we'll both be finished the full time work and have loads of time on our hands, but she doesn't see it that way. I apologised and said we'll do something good on tuesday, but she stilled sounded mad annoyed.

Should i feel bad?

spurious

Can't she go to the 21st too?

listermint

i find that you can never really do anything right , but try your best. sure there will always be something to gripe about regardless of what you do. You could try asking her to go, but if you'd rather go on your own, then maybe you have to ask yourself why?

Firetrap

Hmm. I'm wondering does your girlfriend resent all the time you're spending working? It's probably bothering her that her friends are getting to spend more time with their boyfriends. Like the above poster suggested, can you not bring her to the 21st? She's probably simmering away, mad that you're going to be going to the party instead of being with her. It's amazing how small things like that can really eat away at a person and turn into a big issue. Talk to her. Maybe don't go to the 21st or show up for a while then go somewhere with her.

Kinetic^

Is she angry at you or angry at the situation?

Dord

Firetrap wrote:

Talk to her. Maybe don't go to the 21st or show up for a while then go somewhere with her.

+1

Good idea, you should go there with her for a while then go off somewhere together.

Chinafoot

Unreg-0-0 wrote:

So i did o/t on tuesday, but on wed is was cancelled but it was too late in the day to organise anything.

Why couldn't you drop over to her or get her to drop over to you even for an hour or so. Why do you have to "organise" somehting? Does she live far away from you?

Unreg-0-0 wrote:

Last night (thurs) i was in the second job as always and she has never had a problem with that. She checked her own work schedule for the next few weeks on tuesday and she's working all weekend 8am-8pm both days, so that rules them out.

Same as above really. I appreciate that it might be a bit late when she gets home or whatever and that she has to be up early, but i Know if it was me I'd be making some effort to spend a little time with the other half in that situation.

Unreg-0-0 wrote:

I had told a friend i'd go to a 21st with him tonight and i can't see my gf and now she's p1ssed with me. I won't be drinking tonight, just going to show my face for a couple of hours.

As already mentioned, why can't she go with you? Did you even ask her to go along? If not, that may be one reason why she's annoyed.

LegacyUser

'We live really far away (about 70mins by bus). She's only just started driving. I don't drive at all. The 21st is out my way and she's in work tomo. Plus i'm only heading out to the 21st to show my face because i promised i'd go ages ago.

She'd regularly go to 21st birthdays without me and i wouldn't bat an eyelid over it. She doesn't know the person for tonight, and she isn't the type to go to one for a person she doesn't know.

I don't want to go to the 21st without her, i'd rather go out with her, but it's just one of those weeks.

Yes, i'm almost certain that she resents me working so much, but i'm saving so i don't have to work in college next year. My parents don't give me money (i'm glad about that btw) and working part time last year really inflicted on my exams, so it's just a temporary thing to get enough funds together so i won't be working at all soon enough.

Her friends boyfriends are all away at the moment. All of them.

I've apologised to her for working a lot and i've reassured her that in 3 weeks time everything'll be sorted. Her parents give her money all through the year, and she only works every now and again. I've always worked 20hrs a week with college on top and she's used to me having feck all time to spare (and, i always make time for her, often when it's not there to begin with). Her job REALLY fecks up us seeing each other a lot, but i never say a word. I just text her and tell her "don't worry, ya'll be finished this lot of shifts soon..." and try to organise something cool to do when she's finished them.

I'm mad busy this week. She's mad busy this weekend. Both our schedules have clashed and it sucks. I'm just dealing with it and can't wait for tuesday. She's not usually like this (we're together 3 years). It's nothing new or unusual. Why is she p1ssed with me?'

LegacyUser

'

spurious wrote:

Can't she go to the 21st too?

i agree i taut that too

plus if its finished in 3 wks wats her prob!!!!!!!!'

Exit

As usual, the answer to these kinds of things is "just talk to her". Ask her why she has a problem, point out to her that you've been in similar situations where she's been working and you haven't seen her and never kicked up a fuss about it.

Anyway, what's 70 mins by bus? I'd imagine most people if they didn't see their partner all week would make some kind of effort to spend a few hours together. That goes for her too. Why doesn't she just drive out to you? My girlfriend lives thousands of miles away. I haven't seen her for a month. If I had the money to splash out, I'd be on a flight tomorrow if it meant we could just spend a few hours together. It's all about making the effort.

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

It sounds to me like she's annoyed with you because of the situation. It's not a particularly fair way of apportioning blame, but it's perfectly natural for couples to do that.

Just ride it out. There's nothing you can realistically do about it at the moment, and getting in a bad way about it is an overreaction.

Attol

She probably just misses you and is frustrated by the whole thing.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I made the effort, hopped on the bike and went over to hers last night for a few hours. But of course it p1ssed rain and i needed a lift home. She was "too tired" to drive me home, so i got a bit wet on the return journey. F*ck it, i made the effort, she can't be annoyed anymore, so it's back to normal. I just thought it was a bit of a pointless journey 'cos she was too wrecked after work and fell asleep quickly.

I'm just not bothered about big gaps in between seeing each other and she is. We knew it would be like that when we got together and there's never been an issue about it until now(almost 3 years!). Ah well, out of the dog house for moi.

carnival_joe

i reckon she's probably mad because you are chossing to go to aprty, not see her, when you had to blow her off earlier in the week. A jealousy of time spent with friends instead of her is normal in this type of situation. Shes probably hurt, and feels rejected. Us girlies like to think we are the most important person in your world, that you have chosen to have us there, and that we come first.

a sort of "hos before bros" type thing. 3 weeks is a long time, esp when you are barely seeing eachother.

Star Lord

So youre only going to be showing your face at the 21st as you put it?

If thats the case you're showing your girlfriend that this 21st is not important to you, yet you're putting it before her...

How did this turn out? Did you go to the 21st? What happened?

faceman

Your work schedule is dominating your life and everything else is second. If you need to work like that then thats fine its not fair on your girlfriend. If it was me, i would prob want to spent whatever free time i had with her when i could. Maybe you're not as in love with her as you think or taking her for granted?

either way you need to decide whether you want to work to live or live to work and your long term plan. you're not exactly class A boyfriend material at the mo.

azezil

She's just feeling insecure and weary at them moment because you're not seeing each other very often and she feels like a secondary priority in your life, she needs a kind word and for you to really show her you care, she needs to be made to feel special, words are not always enough, if you care about her, you have to show her.

LegacyUser

I replied this morning, but it has yet to appear, so i'll try again.

Went to the 21st, it was ok. She couldn't come because a: she's not the type to go to a 21st for someone she doesn't know, and b: she was in work early the following morning. Was only there for a couple of hours anyway.

Decided to put the effort in last night so i hopped on the bike and cycled over to hers when she finished work. She was too tired after work, so it was a case of watching tv while she nodded off asleep every few minutes.

It started to lash rain and i asked her for a lift home. "i'm too tired" was the response, so i cycled home and was quite wet arriving home. If i'd have gotten the bus i would have had to leave a fair bit earlier to catch my last bus from town so cycling was my only option.

She was happy that i came over but I don't understand why she wouldn't just drive over to mine and drive home if she wants to see me so much. For every 10 visits i make to hers she makes 1 to mine because I cycle everywhere. For her to get over it's always been a case of her having to get two buses home. She's had a car for 3 months now and still hasn't driven over.

Faceman: As for the "not class A boyfriend material at the moment" - you don't know me, or my girlfriend so you may p1ss off with comments like that. They're not welcome.

My gf works 12hr shifts ALL the time and often it means i don't get to see her for quite some time. She fecked off to america last summer for 3 months and I flew over to visit her, despite having to save up for my college fees (i don't get free fees, before anyone jumps on that boat)-i took out a loan to go and only finished paying it off in april.

At the moment i'm finishing off my savings for next year in college so i won't have to work AT ALL during the year. It's all well and good that her parents give her money, and a car and all the rest. Mine don't. I pay my way, and at the moment, I need to work a lot. In 3 weeks time i'll be completely free from work bar a few hours at the weekend until october/november and then when i start back in college, no more work. She knows this, yet she gives me a hard time. When she works a week of nights it frustrates the hell out of me because i not only don't get to see her, but when i'm asleep she's awake, and when she's asleep i'm awake, so i don't even get to call her or text her. I don't make a fuss. Instead, i take a day off the week after so we can do something together- like this tuesday, she's finished this rough set of shifts she's been doing, and i'm taking a half day off work to be with her. That's how it normally goes and this time is no exception, yet for some reason, i've been made feel bad because i worked a single night's overtime, and went to a 21st.

We've never been one of those intense, text each other 100 times per day and nothing less, and have to see each other as much as possible couples. She'd always have her nights out with the girls and i've always had mine with the lads. On friday she's going to a ball for work, i'm not invited. Do i mind? No. It's not unusual for that to happen. Instead, i'll use the free time to do some training or whatever else I need to do, and see her Saturday. It doesn't bother me. I don't know why she went so mad at me last week, and has truly p1ssed me off.

That's the end of that rant for now!

milkerman

Slightly different opinion here.
You have a life & other commitments beyond your GF. She must learn to be a part of your life and that she cannot take over your life completely.
Personally I am delighted to see that there are young guys out there still willing to work their butt off while so many others depend on mammy & daddy at 30.
Get out of the doghouse, leave it to Fido.

Exit

Yeah, I think people are being too hard on the guy. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it seems like he's doing all the work at the moment. It seems like they've always had separate lives, so there may be some underlying issue as to why she's annoyed by it now.

Froot

Well I understand that a 21st is just a show your face kind of thing but at face value it looks like you choose her second to a party etc etc.

I'm just saying that to keep the peace include her or in fact make her your priority. It will make it easier on you if you just comply.

SarahSassy

Hate to throw a spanner in the works but she sounds really spoilt!!!!

You cycled over to her and she was too tired to drop you back even though it was raining????? You sometimes dont see her for over a week due to her work schedule but its not ok when its your work schedule????

She is acting like a prima donna..... Keep your mind focussed on your own short term goals - you sound like a great guy.

Froot

<snip>

No advocating of violence in this forum, even in jest.

littlesurfer

sounds like neither of you have time for a full time relationship.

dudara

Froot No advocating of violence, even in jest. You know better.

Please read the charter.

dudara

ali.c

It sounds like you are making all the effort to see her. I would suggest explaining everything as you have written it here to her, about the pressure of having to save money, travel to see her and start requesting that she make more of an effort. From what i can see you have done nothing wrong and personally i wouldnt of apologised for having to work.

azezil

On reading your rant OP I can see you do make an effort, fair play, from the sounds of it she sounds to be unreasonable.

cold_filter

OP, you should not be in the dog house!

This time last year i was working about 80 hours a week on a big project, myself and my gf lived together so for about 2 months i would see her as i got into bed and got out of bed... we worked for the same company, tell your GF to cop on!

gazzer

OP.. Your girlfriend sounds to me to be a bit spoilt.. I mean for gods sake.. she couldnt even be bothered to drive you home after you cycled all the way over to her.. Reverse that situation. How would she feel if she cycled over to you and you could be bothered to drive her home and it was raining outside.. Id say she would rightly peed off.

It sounds to me like you are doing nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

I think it's about time she started driving over, so i'm going to push her on it. Unfortunately, this type of thing usually takes weeks of pestering to get her to do. She's just one of those people that needs a serious kick to get her moving sometimes. That's the last time i'm cycling over though. I was pretty annoyed afterwards.

I keep re-reading this thread to see if I put it too much from my point of view, but I don't think I have. I have'nt over exaggerated or played the victim-this is pretty much word for word how the last week has gone.

I'm not gonna make a big issue out of it because lets face it, it aint that big a deal really, but I was really annoyed over the weekend. I'll get through the next 3 weeks, and things'll be hunky dory again.

Thanks again for the support. I'm happier now that I know I didn't do anything wrong. I'll keep at her to use the car, and i'll make her do more of the leg work from now on.

DD

I have the same opinion, why is it so hard to talk, meet and be understanding with ur partner when u live so close, Id give anything to have my baby even 3,4 hrs distance, Id drive there to see him right away. We have few thousands miles between us.
Nothing is more great than spending time and do almost all the activities together. And communication means everything!

Exit wrote:

Anyway, what's 70 mins by bus? I'd imagine most people if they didn't see their partner all week would make some kind of effort to spend a few hours together. That goes for her too. Why doesn't she just drive out to you? My girlfriend lives thousands of miles away. I haven't seen her for a month. If I had the money to splash out, I'd be on a flight tomorrow if it meant we could just spend a few hours together. It's all about making the effort.

faceman

Unreg-0-0 wrote:

Faceman: As for the "not class A boyfriend material at the moment" - you don't know me, or my girlfriend so you may p1ss off with comments like that. They're not welcome.

nor are personal attacks like that. I stand by my original comments. Of course I dont know you nor does any other poster on this thread who has offered their opinion.

Your "rant" elaborate furthers on the matter with material not evident in your earlier posts. There are 2 sides to every story however. She's probably feeling second best right now and may take your loving side a bit for granted therefore is being colder than normal with you. (i.e. not offering a lift)

You havent advised yet on whether ye have both sat down and talked about the issue at hand in detail. Communication is key.

LegacyUser

faceman wrote:

nor are personal attacks like that. I stand by my original comments. Of course I dont know you nor does any other poster on this thread who has offered their opinion.

Your "rant" elaborate furthers on the matter with material not evident in your earlier posts. There are 2 sides to every story however. She's probably feeling second best right now and may take your loving side a bit for granted therefore is being colder than normal with you. (i.e. not offering a lift)

You havent advised yet on whether ye have both sat down and talked about the issue at hand in detail. Communication is key.

I'm not gonna enter into a discussion about who attacked who, so that's the end of that.

I will however be dealing with her lack of effort. This is an issue i've tried to tackle before and the results have been less than appealing. The "sit down and talk about it" way just doesn't work for us, mainly because my gf's in a bit of her own world about us (i think i'm mainly the cause of this as i'm too giving and don't ask anything of her really). The last time i addressed something similar with her she had ABSOLUTELY no idea that things were that way, and she was in complete shock. Of course, she upped her game for a while, i was happy, and then I slipped into my old ways of doing too much, and she slipped back to the old way too.

After reading this thread over and over and thinking about things a lot has come to light for me and I think I'm as much of the problem as she is. I have to start looking out for myself more, and in a sense, become more selfish. Well, not selfish, but develop a sense of self worth. Tackling the problem head on has never quite worked out well with my gf (i.e "we need to talk" - i've tried it, always a bad result). Subtlty (sp?) is usually the key, and I think I just need to slowly direct things in the direction I want them to go. I'll stop offering to cycle over to hers all the time, and ask her if she wants to come over to mine more. How she gets here is up to her. I'll also stop apologising for doing things I need to do. That's just life, and these things sometimes need to be done. I'm not gonna turn into a bad pr1ck or anything, but I think I need to look out for myself a bit more.

milkerman

Hey Unreg
You say that things will be hunky dory in a few weeks - yeah right. Things will be hunky dory until the next time your life commitments inconvenience her.
Sort it out. Fine, talk to her. But this time you lay down some ground rules and if she doesnt' wholeheartedly agree you should get up on that bike and find someone else.
Tbh she sounds like a total prima donna.

faceman

if trying to talk issues out produces bad results then you need to re-think the relationship. How will it translate down the road if you decide to buy a house, move in, get married and start a family? Those issues cant be brushed over.

Relationships are about give and take but ultimately if ye cant talk and work out issues then its never going to work long term unfortunately. You seem like an intelligent bloke, im sure you will work it out one way or another.