Man Trouble.. Advice asap

ag1975

Hi all,

I've been going out with the bf for nearly 4 years, we lived at opposite ends of the county until 1.5 years ago when i moved to his end. Gradually things have really changed, to the point where we now hardly speak, we have little or no fun and we seem to really bug each other. Its been a tough few months lately, berevement, work issues for both of us, now financial pressure for him and all the usual work life balance issues in between. The last 2 months i've really started noticing things are not good. Despite all this I love him to bits. Anyway, we had words on wed night and he got pi***ed off. Usually when this happens he gets really vocally confrontational and then refuses to talk to me or have it out. The next morning we sorted it, and then something similar happened last night. I slept in box room for 1st time ever, so he must have known it was bad. I sent a nice but practical email this morning saying we could not continue like this and while it would hurt to leave him, i did not want to be unhappy and would we make a concerted effort to try to "fix" it or if his heart wasn't in it would we move on. he never replied to this and i rang after lunch to see would he come home after work to talk and he was very non committal. My issues are as follows,

He is lazy around the house, i cook, clean, tidy, shop, wash, iron and all the rest. He never lifts a finger.

He is constantly stressing about work and comes home always in a bad mood

He gives me no support with anything

He'll rarely see my point of view whilst in the midst of an argument

He will never discuss issues with me


God that looks bad when its written down. I feel so bad about everything now. But i just want things to go back to how they were when we loved the bones of each other but its not looking good is it... Any one out there with words of comfort???

cowzerp

dump the chump-he has no respect for you or your relationship.

r3nu4l

I'm inclined to say you should get out of it as well but only after you have both sat down and talked about it...note the word talked, not shouted and screamed

If at the end of an adult conversation he can't commit to some changes then it may be time to end it.

I once worked in a really, really dreadful job that sucked the life out of me. I was no fun to be around then and I also wasn't at home enough (long hours, long commute) to cook, clean etc. I knew it was a problem, eventually got another job after and things improved immensely after that.

Maybe he is in a similar situation, maybe he is depressed. You would have a better idea than any of us. Either way you should both talk and make sure you are both 100% sober doing so...that way you can focus properly and neither one of you can blame the drink for any harsh words that come about.

If you can talk about it and he can commit to helping you more with housework, shopping etc, leaving work problems at work, opening up to you and sharing with you and generally livening up a bit then you are on a winner. Just make sure you stick to it.
Good luck

ag1975

Thanks for that, I'm starting to realise that its the way to go but it will be a really hard thing to do.. I don't have a lot of friends in the new area, in fact I only have 1 so I don't really have anywhere to crash or anything in the short term but i'll work that out.. Its so hard when there is a part of me that just doesn't know what goes on inside his head. About an hour ago he sent me a message saying "i think I'm depressed". nothing more nothing less. He recently bought into the company he works for so him getting a less pressure job aint going to happen. I'd put money on him not coming home and trying to avoid this. usually after a few days of this in the past, he'd crack a joke and all would be forgotten. he prob thinks its the same now. its not though.. keep coming with the advice

cowzerp

if he is depressed see if he will do something about that-if he will maybe its worth a try but if not, bye bye im afraid.

ag1975

i don't think he is depressed, as i said to my mate earlier, he wouldn't be depressed if a car load of lads pulled up for him to go off on the beer for the weekend. i know that sounds flippant but you know what i mean..

patrickolee

Move on.

biko

The relationship is not likely to go back to the rosy phase. Try to get him to get his act together, otherwise you might need a break.

cowzerp

Game over-ball burst.

kryogen

the old saying you never really know somebody until you live with them comes to mind! you had a long distance relationship for 2.5 years? that seemed to suit you both, possibly him more?? but now you are seeing each other on such a regular basis maye the feelings you thought were there just simply arent.. the excitement of seeing each other is possibly gone now as you dont have any time apart now... i would talk to him about it, ask him how he feels.... you have to be open and honest with each other here. are you happy with the relationship now? it doesnt sound too good to me and if you were happy you wouldnt be posting, maybe you two just arent suited to each other.

its a big adjustment to go from long distance to living together, i mean you have plenty of time to yourself to do whatever you want in a long distance relationship but when you live with somebody they are there all the time, and this can have an adverse effect on the relationshipd, have you considered living apart but in the same area? to ease yourself into a more full on relationship? see how that goes and if it works out then try living together again in the future but under different conditions, its not right that you do everything in terms of housework and he shuts you out.

pm me if you want to discuss it further, i have a bit of experience in this area but would rather not go into it publicly!! good luck anyway!

ag1975

lord i've opened a can of worms here, i was looking for the easy option but i really do see now that i'm in a situation. right, we'll see will he come home after work and discuss issues. if he a) does not come home or b) comes home all gung ho with a don't be looking for a row attitude its day day baby isn't it.. jesus if i knew 1.5 years ago what i know today i'd have my own place and peace of mind. a lot of my problem is the "give it to say" factor. can everyone think of me this evening and send me mental strenght to get through this. i'll be back on monday morning to update..

ntlbell

ag1975 wrote:

He is lazy around the house, i cook, clean, tidy, shop, wash, iron and all the rest. He never lifts a finger.

He is constantly stressing about work and comes home always in a bad mood

He gives me no support with anything

He'll rarely see my point of view whilst in the midst of an argument

He will never discuss issues with me


God that looks bad when its written down. I feel so bad about everything now. But i just want things to go back to how they were when we loved the bones of each other but its not looking good is it... Any one out there with words of comfort???

He sounds like a typical man to me, there's a few pansy type guys who aren't like this but they'll enver make ye happy.

sit him down and tell him straight give a list of things to fix or your gone.

He'll do them for a few weeks maybe, then he'll make you think he's doing them and it will look like he is cause we're good like that.

then you'll be back here in 6 months time with the same problem, and your option will be the same, leave him for a pansy, or keep throwing out the ultimatium every 6 months.

Vegeta

I think if his job is stressing him and he comes home and gets grief about not cleaning or cooking then no wonder things are not right. Maybe he sees you as part of the stress.

My advice is try and start doing things again together get away from the house and work for a while and have a big chat about it. Ask him why is he in a job that is stressing him out so much.

Of course he'd enjoy it if a car load of his friends pulled up as it is an escape from the things causing him so much stress, work and your relationship.

Both of you take a holiday and unwind.

Is it really worth walking out on a 4 year relationship over a few bad months. Give it a chance in an environment that suits you both.

Give him every chance to save himself and the relationship. If he wont accept help then there is nothing you can do and he will continue to drag you down. Then it may be time to call it quits but give it a shot first.

Don't just have a talk and go straight back to regular life which is clearly wrecking his head.

meglome

ag1975 wrote:

My issues are as follows,

He is lazy around the house, i cook, clean, tidy, shop, wash, iron and all the rest. He never lifts a finger.

He is constantly stressing about work and comes home always in a bad mood

He gives me no support with anything

He'll rarely see my point of view whilst in the midst of an argument

He will never discuss issues with me

I got into a rut with a old girlfriend and probably did some of these things some of the time. But tbh it's pretty bad that he seems to do all this all the time. It may well be the case he isn't enjoying his life right now but bringing you down too isn't something constructive or nice. The thing is if you have problems and won't either discuss them or in fact do anything about them at all, where do you go from there. If he isn't going to listen then it's time to move on.

To be totally honest I've never been great at doing work around the house myself but I try and make up for it in lots of other ways so there is rarely an issue. It's all about balance at the end of the day.

LegacyUser

Everything you described about ur guy is me. My missus walked out on me for a week and refused point blankely to talk to me for that week. She came back on the Friday and we sat down and talked.

That week was the longest week in my life. Had lots of time to think made me realise the w*nker i have been. On the Friday we talked for hours shouted a few times and then at the end of it we came to an understanding.

Now I realised without putting my fair share in she would leave my ass. My advice give him a kick up the backside give him a reason to realise how much of a fool he is.

Maple

What Vegeta said + 1. Great advice.

Don't issue ultimatums, they generally backfire. Take some time out for yourselves, get out of your daily routines, rediscover what it is that you love each other.

Don't just walk. You'll kick yourself.

Do take every opportunity to fix this BUT don't go so far that you lose yourself.

Give it your best shot and if it doesn't work, then walk.

ag1975

update: by the time i got home on fri evening i was resigned to the fact that he wouldn't either come home, or see my point of view or whatever. anyway he did come home, we did talk, i told him that i thought it best that i move out as i didn't have it in me to continue living the way i was. to cut a long story short we had it out. he admittted that he was acting the boll***s and had been in really bad form. there were also issues such as housework etc where he said he could never make a huge contribution too but said that things where he could help he would do more. he also agreed that we would make one night just for us and do something on our own together, i agreed to help him with his work load a bit also.. so in short we sorted it but i made it clear that there was no point being an angel for a week and then reverting to his old ways. we had a good weekend together so i hope it goes on that way. we're going on hols next month also so hopefully that will help.. wish me luck and thanks for all the advice....

r3nu4l

Hey, nice one Just make sure that the two of you keep working together, as a team and you'll be alright. Hopefully he can keep the momentum going and you two can help each other. Keep talking, that's the key. Don't let it build up.

cowzerp

fair play to you-now stick to what you said-best of luck.

LegacyUser

from what you have said you need to leave him now.

My guess is that he doesn't want to be with you and maybe even feels trapped. I could be completely off here- but the reason I say this is because I myself behaved EXACTLY like you describe toward my ex. It took me a long time to realise I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want to hurt her or be unfair to her but it was this fear that kept me in the relationship, but only half-hearted. So I didn't clean/cook etc. and was always in bad form until my mates came to take me away.

Now I'm in a relationship for a couple of years with someone I REALLY care for, and I am happy to do anything she wants me too and I look forward to seeing her at night, especially when I've had a hard day at work.

This is hard for you to hear, but he may not be aware of his own dilemma. Do you and him a favour and break it up today.

Caliden

Take a weekend off for yourself and you man. The stress is getting too much for both of you and it's showing.

Everyone deserves a break everyone once in a while and doing so will let you enjoy each other's company for once.

JacobM

Avoid listing the issues for him. He'll bail if you do. You have to get married before you start listing the issues. That's why you aren't supposed to have premarital sex. Or if you haven't then he's gay.

They are right though if you don't play it on the up in this type of a relationship it won't work. It can't progress and you've gone to far for it to cool off for the night.

If you want an easy fix, do it youself. Don't go after the ideal. Go after the solution.

milkerman

The issues you describe are those that arise in the post-luvvy-duvvy stage of a relationship. Should it come as a surprise to you that the guy has faults you did not see before. When you lived apart you only saw him on the good days i.e. Great form for seeing you, neatly pressed & shaved etc. You did not see him on the other days of the week-bad form, angry, untidy, 3day old jocks on the bathroom floor etc.
I am pleased to hear that reconciliation has already taken place. In the course of a long term relationship you will have loads of arguments and as many reconciliations. That is part & parcel of sharing your life.
I am sh*te at housework. I do hoover up if I make a mess. The other half sees it and immediately knows I have tried to clean up. Then does it properly. She seems OK with this as I perform the other tasks that she will not touch - picking dog crap off the lawn, despatched a wasp nest yesterday, cleaning gutters etc
All in all, I think I have the better part of the deal.
One thing though, try not let arguments go unresolved past bedtime. It is harder to fix things the longer they are broken.

ag1975

milkerman, i was smiling when i read your post, i felt all warm!! what is it with men and cleaning gutters. this lad could clean the weeds from the foot path and gutters every week but won't wash a cup!! anyway, thanks, we're both making an effort so i hope it will work out. he's still not cleaning though.. but that won't kill me if he is working on all the other things i listed earlier..