Paddy English, Irish, and Scots man

A racy brainrot

This isnt actually a joke, so i didn't put it in the Humour forum. But anyway, can anybody remember any of the paddy english, Irish and Scots man jokes??? Think!!!!!

Sangre

Paddy nigga, paddy chink and paddy raghead walk into a bar. They were refused entry.

White power!

admiralofthefleet

yeah i can remember loads! do i win a prize?

Rb

admiralofthefleet wrote:

yeah i can remember loads! do i win a prize?

Google remembers more, what does it win?

Fremen

Does the Irishman win in the jokes you know?

As far as I know, the rest of the world begins their jokes with "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" (no paddy). The Irishman is always the butt of the joke...

admiralofthefleet

rb_ie wrote:

Google remembers more, what does it win?

market domination

Kinetic^

Sangre wrote:

Paddy nigga, paddy chink and paddy raghead walk into a bar. They were refused entry.

White power!

God you're so racist, could you not have included paddy roma gypo as well :rolleyes:

Silverfish

Fremen wrote:

Does the Irishman win in the jokes you know?

As far as I know, the rest of the world begins their jokes with "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" (no paddy). The Irishman is always the butt of the joke...

Or else the smart one.

Like, in the one where the Englishman, Irishman and Scotman were caught by some tribe ( or something) and were going to get twenty lashes of the whip ( or something) and the tribe leader said they could each have something on their backs to make it easier.

The Englishman said 'I'll have my coat', he took his twenty lashes and collapsed bleeding as the last ten went through the coat.

The scotsman said 'I'll have whiskey, its the finest antiseptic and will kill the pain' and he collapsed bleeding also.

The tribe leader turned to the Irishman and said 'Right, and what will you have on your back?'

The Irishman thought for a second and said 'The Englishman'

Also Starring LeVar Burton

My favourite is this one;

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forrest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each.
Paddy Scotsman says "I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol."
Paddy Englishman says "I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in."
Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says "Tell me more about this wall."
The Genie says, "The wall is 300 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable."
Paddy Irishman then says, "I wish to fill it with water."

Karl Hungus

Sangre wrote:

Paddy nigga, paddy chink and paddy raghead walk into a bar. They were refused entry.

White power!

I absolutely roared laughing at this one! Fair play!


Anyway, back on topic, I seem to remember a few, but they're probably a bit crap by today's standards.

So, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were riding through the desert on a camel (Dunno how they got there) when all of a sudden the camel dies of exhaustion. Starving, the trio decide to eat the animal. After a few days, all that's left is the organ meat, and they wonder who's going to eat what, for some silly reason or another.

The Englishman pipes up "I'm from Liverpool, so I'll eat the liver"

Then the Scotsman says "Good idea. I'm from the heart of Glasgow, so I'll eat the heart."

The Irishman remains silent, so the other two ask him "Well, where are you from?" And after a nudge, he says "...Ballsbridge."

Also Starring LeVar Burton

Ok, technically not a Paddy Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman joke, but close enough;

There was once an Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman replied, "Keep the ****ing egg!"

Karl Hungus

Good one there, CaptainNegative.

A racy brainrot

I still cant think of any. But brilliant everyone else

Rovi

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman and their wives are all killed simultaneously in some sort of bizarre accident. They are all queued up in couples at the Pearly Gates awaiting interview by St. Peter to gain admission to Heaven.

Paddy Englishman is first.
St. Peter: I'm sorry, I can't let you in.
Paddy Englishman: Why not?
St. Peter: It's because of your lifelong obsession with drink. Throughout your life, you thought of nothing else; looking for drink, where to get more drink, how to keep all the drink for yourself, to the exclusion of all things noble and honourable in your life. You even went as far as to marry a girl called 'Sherry.'
Paddy Englishman is banished to Hell.

Paddy Scotsman is next.
St. Peter: I'm sorry, I can't let you in.
Paddy Scotsman: Why not?
St. Peter: It's because of your lifelong obsession with money. Throughout your life, you thought of nothing else; looking for money, where to get more money, how to keep all the money for yourself, to the exclusion of all things noble and honourable in your life. You even went as far as to marry a girl called 'Penny.'
Paddy Scotsman is banished to Hell.

Paddy Irishman is last.
He turns to his wife and says: Bejasus Fanny, I don't think I'll bother going up at all.

kevmy

PaddyEnglishman, PaddyIrishman and PaddyScotsman were all climbing Mt. Everest and after a great struggle they eventually reached the top. When the got there they found a fairy at the summit. The fairy goes "Since you all did so well getting all the way to the top I'll let you all slide down the mountain and you will be perfectly safe and when you get to the bottom you'll land in a swimming pool of whatever substance you want, just shout out it's name when your halfway down"

So PaddyScotsman goes first and halfway down he shouts out Socts whisky and lands in a swimming pool of whisky.
PaddyIrishman goes next and being from Ireland he shouts out Guinness when he's halfway down the mountain and lands in a swimming poll of stout.
PaddyEnglishman goes next and he's having such good time sliding down the mountain that he forgets what he was going to say and instead shouts out Weeeeeee!!

Pompey Magnus

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were captured by French Revolutionaries in the Imperial Palace and were sentenced to death by guillotene for associating with the Royal Family.

Paddy Englishman was the first up to be executed, He gives a desperate cry to the heavens, "Dear God, I have been a good Anglican all my life, please save me", he then placed his head on the block and closed his eyes awaiting the inevitable. The executioner pulled the lever but the blade did not fall. They tried again and again but no success. They then announced that it was the will of the God that he was to live and so they let him go.

Paddy Scotsman was the next up, he also cried out "I have been a God fearing Presbyterian all my life, Heavenly father save me", and again the blade failed to fall, so he also was released due to divine intervention.

Finally it was the turn of Paddy Irishman, he was lead up to the guillotene, he kneels down, looks up and says to his executioner "Wait one second. I think I see why the blade isn't falling..."

The Bollox

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman, after getting stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere, are captured by a tribe and brought back to the camp. they are told theyt are to be killed by a barrage of arrows each.

they call up Paddy Englishman first. he is is dragged up to a tree and tied. the firing squal gets ready when Paddy Englishman gets an idea and shouts "TIDAL WAVE!". the tribe scrambles and Paddy Englishman manages to free himself and escape.

when the tribe return tehy are furious and send Paddy Scotsman up next. Paddy Scotsman is terrified but takes a leaf from Paddy Englishmans book and roars "HURRICANE!" and once again the tribe scarpers allowing Paddy Scotsman to free himself and run away.

when the tribe return for the second time they are livid and send Paddy Irishman up to be assassinated. Paddy Irishman strolls up to the tree and allows himself to be tied, thinking it's going to be simple to fool the tribe. when the firing squad get ready to shoot Paddy Irishman roars "FIRE!" and the tribe shoot him

ekevosu

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman have just robbed a bank and have hidden out in an old barn when they hear the police pull up outside..

The three of them find some large sacks and get inside them to hide..

The police enter the barn and spot one of the sacks moving, they go over and prod the first sack, "Meeoww" says the Scots man who's hiding inside. "Ahh it's just kittens" says the police officer...

They move along and prod the second sack, "WOOFwoofWOOF" says the English man.. "ahh it's just some puppies" says the officer...

They then move along, prod the third and final sack and the Irish man inside yells out "POTATOES!!"

Raytown Rocks

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scots man are captured by an Afircan tribe.
They are offered 2 choices. Death or UMboko.
Paddy Irish man asks for UMboko. He is taken to a table tied down and rogered up the ass by all the male tribesmen.
Paddy Scots man asks for UMboko. He is taken to a table tied down and rogered up the ass by all the male tribesmen.
Paddy Englishman asks for Death.
With that the tribesmen all start shouting with happiness.
The elder tribes man stands up and shouts
"DEATH BY UMBOKO".

The Bollox

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman man were flying back to their home countries after serving in the Iraqi war. while flying Paddy Englishman starts talking about how much he loves England and he decides he wants to make a sacrafice to show his devotion, so he looks in his rucksack and finds a 40 year old merlot reserve, goes to the door and throws it out saluting and saying "God save the Queen".

Paddy Scotsman then starts talking about how much he loves Scotland and decides he too wants to make a sacrafice, so he looks in his rucksack and finds a very old bottle of Scotch he was saving. he walks over to the door, throws it out and says "God save Scotland"

next Paddy Irishman starts talking about how much he loves Ireland and decides he also wants to make a sacrafice. he looks in his rucksack and pauses. he addresses Paddy Englishman "this is kinda heavy, could you give me a hand?" when Paddy Englishman walks over Paddy Irishman grabs him and throws himout of the plane "that's for f*cking up my beloved country!"

Irish Gardener

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were walking through a vast jungle in Africa.
They get lost and soon find themselves captured by a tribe of natives.

OOPS
Same joke as "Chefs" earlier post.
Sorry.

thelordofcheese

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were walking through a vast jungle in Africa.
They get lost and soon find themselves captured by a tribe of natives.

The tribal leader tell them that they have one chance to make it out alive, they must go into the jungle and gather 10 of one kind of object and return to the camp.

So they go off, and gather 10 items each, paddy scotsman comes back first with 10 small rocks. the tribal men grab him hold him down and the the tribal elder tells him "we will put these 10 things up your ass, if you make a noise we will kill you", so paddy scotsman grits his teeth and lets them put 10 stones up his ass, doesn't make a noise, and is let go.

next paddy englishman comes back, with 10 small berries. Same deal, and he's been slient all the way through untill the last one when he starts to roar laughing. Before the elder kills him he leans down and asks "why'd you start laughing you were almost a free man?"
paddy englishman replies "i just saw paddy irishman coming back with 10 pineapples."

Ryo Hazuki

Paddy english man, paddy irish man & paddy scotts man were attending a funeral of one of their close friends..
In his will he asked if the the three paddys might lend him some money, should he ever need it in the afterlife.. With the promise of repaying them when he could.






Paddy scotts man walking over to the grave, placed £1000 in the coffin..
"Farewell my friend I shall miss you"





Paddy englishman, kneeling down, also placed £1000 in his friends coffin..
"Goodbye my friend, yours was a friendship I shall never forget"





Paddy irishman slowely walked over to the coffin, reached in and removed the £2000, and placed it in an envelope. He then put in a cheque for £3000..
"So long sucker"

Alanthroneus

paddy English man paddy scots man paddy Irish man and paddy polish man are sitten on a train...

Paddy english man pulls out this really expensive english drink, takes one sip of it and throws it out the window...


the other three obviously confused by this ask him why he did that and he replied

"Because i have plenty of them at home"

Then Paddy Scottish man took out an expensive bottle of Scotch and takes one sip of it .yet again the rest ak why he did that and he replied

"Because i have plenty of them at home"

It came to the Paddy irish man and he threw the polish man out the window

yom 1

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all got jobs as social workers in Dublin. On the first day they were asked to try get as many people off drugs as possible. To help them they were given a sheet with 2 circles on it, 1 the size of a 1 cent coin and the other the size of a football

2 weeks later they arrive back to head office and Paddy Englishman says I got 1 person off drugs. Thats great says the boss howd you do it. Well he said I told people the big circle is the size of your circle of friends off drugs and the small one the circle of friends whilst on drugs.

Paddy Scotsman says well I got ten people off drugs. He tells his boss that he told people that the small circle represents your money on drugs while the big one is how much you have when you are off drugs.

Delighted his new recruits have helped get 11 people off drugs he turns to Paddy Irishman. I got 100 people of drugs. His boss is amazed at such results and asks him how he did it. Well he said I told them the small one represents the size of your hole before you go into Mountjoy & the big one is the size of it when you come out

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman were working on a building site. at lunch, paddy englishman: "not again, i told my wife, no more cheese sandwiches. If i get them tomorow, im jumping off this building". Paddy scotsman "salad sandwiches, i told her for the last time this morning, i hate them. If i get them tomorow, im jumping off too". Paddy irishman "ham sandwiches, i hate ham sandwiches, if i have them tomorow, il gump with ye". Next day paddy englishman gets cheese sandwiches, jumps off. paddy scotsman gets salad sandwiches, jumps off. Paddy irishman gets ham sandwiches, jumps off. Their wives ae talking at the funerals. paddy englishmans wife "he told me he loved cheese sandwiches, i dont understand". paddy scotsman's wife, "i dont believe it, he told me he loved salal sandwiches". paddy irishmans wife, "i dont understand, he always made his own sandwiches!"

Fratton Fred

Fremen wrote:

Does the Irishman win in the jokes you know?

As far as I know, the rest of the world begins their jokes with "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" (no paddy). The Irishman is always the butt of the joke...

This thread proves my theory, that no one in the world knows, or tells, more Irish jokes than the Irish do.

Exit

Well, of course. Presumably nobody tells more Bolivian jokes than the Bolivians do too.

The 3 paddies are captured by an Amazonian tribe while on holiday and are taken back to the tribe's village. Once there the village Chief addresses them......

"White men.....for the desecration of our forest by your people, you will be sentenced to death. However, you will have the honour of having your hides made into canoes for our fishermen. Also, as is our custom, you may have one last request before you are skinned alive"

Paddy Englishman requests a full English breakfast, eats it and is taken off to be skinned. Paddy Scotsman requests a bottle of whiskey, drinks it, passes out and is taken off to be skinned. Paddy Irishman requests a fork, which is then given to him.

He starts stabbing himself in the chest, screaming "YOU WON'T MAKE A FECKIN' BOAT OUTTA ME!!!"

****************************************************************************

Also,

The 3 are sitting around talking about their families....

P-Englishman: "my son was born on St. Georges day, so he's called George"

P-Scotsman: "mine is called Andrew, cos he was born on St. Andrews day"

P-Irishman: "jaysis.......wait'll i tell Pancake this!!!"

****************************************************************************

MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy the Arab are discussing their families.

Paddy Englishman says "Well, I've ten sons......one more and I'll have enough to field a football team"

Paddy Irishman retorts: "Sure dats nuttin'........I've 14 sons.....one more and I'll have a Hurling team"

Paddy the Arab laughs long and hard. Wiping a tear from his eye, he says...."Lads, ye're missing out...I've 17 wives.......One more and I'll have me own golf course"

There are more but this post is already long enough.

impr0v

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman are stranded on a desert island. They are walking along the beach with no food or drink in sight, when they stumble across a golden lamp. Paddy Englishman picks it up and gives it a rub. Suddenly, out comes a genie who says: "I will grant you all one wish each".

So Paddy Englishman says: "I'm really missing my family so I would like to be back in England with them". So off he shoots back to England.

Paddy Scotsman says: "yes, I'm really missing my family too so i would like to be back in Scotland with them".So off he shoots back to Scotland.

Paddy Irishman then says: "well, I'm a bit lonely here all by myself so I wish Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were both back here with me!"

The Bollox

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy IRA man were flying to America in Paddy Englishman's jet. in the middle of the flight Paddy Englishman decides to show his devotion to his country, so he takes out a bottle of very old, very expensive brandy and threw it out of the plane saying "God bless the Queen".

Paddy Scotsman decided to show his devotion to his country so he takes out a bottle of very old reserve scotch and throws it out of the plane saying "God bless Scotland"

Paddy IRA man wanted to show his devotion to the cause, but didn't have anything on the scale of what Paddy Englishman and Scotsman threw, so he took out a grenade, threw it out saying "Tiocfaidh ar la".

when they got to their destination Paddy Englishman turned on the tv to see a news report. the reporter was saying "tragedy struck Manhattan today with three deaths from objects literally falling from the heavens". "One woman was instantly killed when a bottle of brandy fell from the sky and hit her on the head, another man was killed when a bottle of whiskey fell from the sky and hit him on the head..." but then a small boy stumbled upto the camera breaking his hole laughing. the reporter was taken aback and asked the little boy what he found so amusing "I farted and some guys head blew up"

pickarooney

Exit wrote:

Well, of course. Presumably nobody tells more Bolivian jokes than the Bolivians do too.

Funny thing is, they tell the exact same jokes, but the Chilean is always the butt of them (with the Peruvian as the Scots-style straight man).

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054891878&referrerid=59211

Imposter wrote:

Anyways,
Back to the business at hand:

Paddy18, Paddy19 and Paddy20 walk into a bar. The barman turns to them and says "Is this some sort of joke?".

Terry

That's great. Thanks.

After weeks of bitching and moaning about every little thing under the sun (and the lack of sun), AH deserves a thread with a few laughs.