Always 2nd best

LegacyUser

I always feel second best to everything, I'm always the one to ring a friend, make contact, try and speak up and nobody listen, mam is always taking my sisiters side and rearly hears me when I speak and that makes me mad,in work nobody ever makes an effort to talk to me ,causing me to HATE MYSELF......................I'm comfort eating now and have gained 3 stone in a year.......Please help...

oxygen_old

Jeez Fiona, sorry no one has replied to this yet.

From my limited experience, I am single and usually bang around by myself. Im not Roy Cropper like but I find that you shouldnt rely on anyone, not even slightly. Ppl have their own lives, most ppl have partners, but Ive always tought thats not something you want to get into cause you need someone to hang out with.

My advice is to start getting used to doing things on your own, go to classes( maybe areobic to help you loose some of your gained weight?) Once you start to like hanging out by yourself, when your in public, you will gain more confidence and be better heard and stuff.

Sorry if above only makes some sense, just tought someone should reply to your message. Let me know what you think.

Skip Work!

Hi Fiona,

Sorry to hear you feel like that but I think you're not alone, we all go through phases in our lives when we feel a little marginalised. Just try get on with things as best you can and it'll probably stop being an issue when you stop dwelling on it:)

milkerman

Your life is not a race. There is no second best or runners up, just you alone. If you are having to do all the running around after your existing friends, ease off and find new ones.
DO NOT EAT YOURSELF INTO A HOLE. Comfort eating should really be redefined as a form of self harm particularly if you put up 3st in a year. Go to your Mum & tell her how upset you are. If she is half decent she will listen to you and help. Let us know what she says.
Best wishes

youcancallmeal adf

I remember this feeling, there are two things that got rid of it

1. Getting better friends
2. Learning how to deal with people, people are like robots... they all have a preprogrammed way to deal with certain behavior. So when everyone treats you badly, it is because you haven't learnt how to deal with them. Once you learn the correct behavior it will generate a better response.

I did the opposite, I stopped eating when I got depressed... its something I'm actually pretty worried about and will be heading to a psychologist to get it sorted. I would recommend you do the same.

Slow Motion

I think a lot more people feel the same way than you might realise (myself included sometimes). As said above if you are the one running after friends, stop it as they will just come to expect it. Find things you like doing on your own (;) That too if it makes you happy ) If you can you will find you become alot more self contained and don't need others to validate you. There are plenty of things out there to do, read, take classes, do a google search for clubs / groups that have similar interests. If you let this feeling grow it will become a vicious circle, but you know that already which is why you posted here, so think of that as a first step. Hope that helps.

slemons

from my own personal expierence : FVck them.
you're better off on your own.

I used to be always trotting after people, only to get a kick in the teeth.
It happened with all my school/college friends and the lads at home (not with family really though) They made a joke of me for 10+yrs up until was 22

I withdrew into myself, became strong because i depended on nobody. I could do what i wanted if i just put my mind to it and no-one was going to affect me because they couldnt reach me.

Now people like me for that and come after me, or are afraid of me because they know they cant say or do anything to hurt me.

I know i miss out on some things because i never open up to people but at least i'll never get hurt again.

Maybe not the best advice but its what ive done, and i prefer it to the way things were.

Wibbs

If you project that feeling you will get it back. This isn't some Oprah stylee rhetoric either. It's pretty basic. If you feel second best you will seek out the behaviour in others that confirms that, even if they don't mean it in that way. You'll tend to ignore when you're being put in first place. We would often rather be right than happy. It becomes a vicious cycle as people around you pick this up more and more and it basically depresses them, so they start to back off, further confirming your beliefs.

Now slemons has taken the tack of ignoring that and working on him and who he is, which is good, but because it sounds like he still holds on to that notion in the back of his head, he's only slightly ahead of you. It's not a cure it's a cover up. The issue is still there and it will bite your arse one of these days. Why give those who took that from you the compliment of still believing their nonsense and closing yourself off because of them? That makes no sense. They're probably fine. Your best "revenge" is not to believe their crap. If not in a very real way they've won, long after they last met you. It's not longer their issue it's yours. That goes for the OP too in many ways.

The fact is we need ourselves to be the best us we can be, but that really only has true value when we see that best reflected in others around us and our positive interactions with those people. Man is a social animal at the end of the day. Now sociability varies between people but closing oneself off because of what you project or what you think people may feel about you is not healthy. OK you may not think you're going to be hurt. Maybe not directly, but you are hurting yourself by not opening up yourself to others and yourself. That's a far worse hurt long term. It's also bad simply because your denying somebody the priviledge of knowing you. that really makes no sense.