Broke up but want to see how things are now?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I broke up with my girlfriend 9 months ago, for reasons I felt were very valid.

Now I have been thinking a lot about this and am wondering is it very selfish of me to re-emerge myself and contact her and see how things are now? to see if there is a candle still burning or if it is out could I relight the candle etc???

I never really explained why, because i did not want to hurt, but I have realised that not explaining was worse then actually explaining.

I have realised that some thing were my fault and some where hers, and all it really was frustrations compounded by lack of communications, we were very good friends.

Unreg7777

jellie

Youre just being selfish.

from what i can see there are 2 possibilities if u contact her:
1. she tells you where to go
2. she wants to see you

then from 2 you have
a. you get on great & everything goes well
b. she was trying to get over you & was nearly there & u messed with her head by coming back to her
c. you see each other & 1 or both or you feel nothing

from experience of being the girl i would say leave her be

Fanny Cradock

As you said, when you did her the disservice of not bothering to tell her why you broke up, she was likely incredibly hurt by this. But we all do stupid stuff!

The girl has hopefully moved on at this stage. You re-emerging out of the blue can only be considered a selfish act upon your part, and could very well lead to more hurt for her (and you).

Best leave her alone, me thinks.

Wibbs

Unreg7777 wrote:

I broke up with my girlfriend 9 months ago, for reasons I felt were very valid.

Fair enough. So far so good. Happens all the time.

Now I have been thinking a lot about this and am wondering is it very selfish of me to re-emerge myself and contact her and see how things are now? to see if there is a candle still burning or if it is out could I relight the candle etc???

Depends on the circumstances of the break and the strength of the realtionship itself. It can work a second time. In fact in couples I have known where the second fresh relationship started, where both had moved on and treated the second time as a new relationship, they're actually the best couples I know. I call it the godfather effect. Where the sequel is better than the original. It's rare, but it only happens where the original had a lot of merit and the bones of expansion and growth, where there's more of a story to be told.(end of metaphor ) There are a lot of good reasons for that, but it takes two though.

I never really explained why, because i did not want to hurt, but I have realised that not explaining was worse then actually explaining.

Now we get to the circumstances of the break. Not good. Not good at all. I know you realise that now, but at what point in your thought process did you think it was a good idea at the time? I'd love to know. I mean how could you think just leaving her with no explanation was a good plan?

I have realised that some thing were my fault and some where hers, and all it really was frustrations compounded by lack of communications,

OK, but I strongly suspect that you also found that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Now you're thinking, maybe it wasn't so bad. I've had that with exes that left me in the past. In fact all but one came back around looking for a second chance, usually just at the precise time I was well over them. Some weird sixth sense going on. Maybe that's just the womenfolk though. I tried again with one of them, but the distance and time just made her selfishness even more evident so I called it quits.

That's what I meant earlier with couples who do get back together. Both have moved on and grown in the interim, yet still have that spark. They usually kept in varying levels of contact during the breakup(much to the chagrin of any people they were seeing at the time). They kept in contact because they were actual friends and had a deeper connection even through the breakup. That's why they work the second time, better than most's first time. I don't have all the info here obviously, but I'm not feeling that in your case.

I hate to say it boo hoo, you made your choice and did it in a bad way, so don't expect hearts and flowers from her if you tried to see her. Not unless she could see a bit of progress in your mode of thinking. Unlikely she would want to as you've lost her trust.

we were very good friends.

Depends on your definition of very good friends. You've already said that you had issues with communication and the manner of your method of breakup compounds that. That's not a good example of friendship.


I would say steer well clear. Leave her alone. If she wanted you in her life she would have contacted you or will contact you. If she's still healing from your breakup, you will only set her back by showing up. Not good and very selfish. That's the thing here. You're thinking of how you feel and what you may want, not how it might impact her. That's one of the reasons why you broke up in the first place, I'd put money on it and a good reason why it won't work in the sequel.

Girrrrseach

Wibbs - Fantastic advice, God bless ya! I'l be coming to you when I have a problem...!

My advice is a lot shorter and based on experience with the same problem - After a significant period of time has passed after a relationship, its almost expected that you start to remember the good stuff as opposed to the bad stuff... And yeah, if you got back togther with her it would be great. For a while. And the "valid reasons" that existed in the first place would slowly come back after the novelty wears off.... Its why breaks in relationships always result in eventual breakups.

Thats my opinion, methinks I am quite cynical, as some people would advise you to just go for it...

Hope it works out.

LegacyUser

'Hi all again,

We met shortly after the breakup, and I thought that saying all the annoying things that she did, and I did was pointless, and to say the general stuff was ok. which I did.

Its not the fact that the grass was alright on reflection on the other side, I did a bit of growing up, and I realized some things that I though were her fault were actually my fault that is the point, I want to say that. I want to get this guilt of how I approached things off my chest, and yes your right that sounds selfish to me too.

I want her to understand, tell her everything and see how she takes it, I would love to have the ability to have her back in my life. But it is not my decision it is hers, I don't know how to say it really, I want to apologise thats the essence of it. There has not been a day that goes by that I have not thought of her, and if only scenarios go through my mind all the time. I have done a few things, made some changes in my life for the better, and I would like to share my life with her again, take the plunge, and make it work this time, but yet again it is not my decision.

There is no point going throught all the bits and pieces of the breakup but I see the picture from the other side now, and see the picture differently, because she has been out of my life, Its something I regret, and have allways felt awful about.

The essence of it is I got bad advice and stook by the advice at the time thinking it was good for her, all the time I was hurting her and myself more and more. I wish I had not done the things i did.


And what makes it worse is I am telling you all and not her. I don't want to hurt her anymore, I want to txt her now, jesus I just don't want to hurt her.

Unreg7777'

Marksie

I am not entirely sure about the whole getting back thing and was initially wondering if this was akin to picking at a scabbed wound to see if it was healing.

Now, from your second post i am of the opinion that you want some closure on this. Which will allow you to move on. However, what are her circumstances? do you know?

Now texting is bad, and a direct approach may not be the best.

I would recommend that you wrote it down, you can continually revisit the letter or mail until it reads correctly and says what you want it to. Then send it to her. It will be up to her then to initiate contact.

Be prepared for a negative outcome rather than a positive outcome.