Gf going away

LegacyUser

Hows it goin, for this I'll go under the unreg tag. have been with my gf for about 5 months and we are generally inseperable. only problem is i still have 2 years left in college and she is finishing her course at end of summer. She has mentioned indirectly to me and directly to friends in front of me that she plans to travel asap, but we haven talked about this directly as regards wat will happen to us. From talking about our mutual friends who were in a similar situation I remember her saying no way could 2 ppl stick together for 9 months when 1 person is travelling. Now I have no dea how long she wants to go for but that tells me she wont want to stick together. It would kill me to think of her with other guys even if we were broken up, but at the same time I cant very well stop her from going (clip her wings so to speak). This girl is love of my life (havent told her that either cause unsure does she feel that strongly), any advice on wat i should do? anyone been in similar situation? I mean should I come out point blank and say the above and that I think she d be making a huge mistake (and risk her holding this against me i.e. not travelling) both of us in very early twenties. cheers guys

LegacyUser

'Trust me buddy if she is going away for a year break up now, yes i am bitter.

Met a girl when we were both going into our final year of college, we got on great but she had plans to go travelling with her best friend but as it wasnt for over a year i thought it would be fine. So were toether a year and she packs up and goes with the usual promises that "i wont kiss anyone" etc etc etc

Heres a list of what she did....

1) Slept with a guy i was in college with (they didnt know each other he was just telling me about this girl who had a particular tattooo so i knew it was her)

2) Slept with at least ten people

3) Got pregnant and had an abortion

4) All the time telling me how much she loved me etc...

Once o heard about her sleepign with someone else i didnt want her so i went on with my own life but kept up the pretense of a relationship with her...

When she got back i was going out with someone else and she went nuts going on about how could i cheat on her etc... So i told her what i had heard about her shenanigans and she confessed.... so i left her citting in a pub crying... Revenge is a dish best served cold...


Moral of the story break up now and if its emant to be you'll get back together.'

ladylorenzo

Let her go. Be supportive and try not to make her feel bad about it. If you and her are meant to be, then she will come back to you. Your only other option is to give her a hard time about it / stop her from going and if you do this, you will lose her anyway.

Ekancone

worrieddub wrote:

Hows it goin, for this I'll go under the unreg tag. have been with my gf for about 5 months and we are generally inseperable. only problem is i still have 2 years left in college and she is finishing her course at end of summer. She has mentioned indirectly to me and directly to friends in front of me that she plans to travel asap, but we haven talked about this directly as regards wat will happen to us. From talking about our mutual friends who were in a similar situation I remember her saying no way could 2 ppl stick together for 9 months when 1 person is travelling. Now I have no dea how long she wants to go for but that tells me she wont want to stick together. It would kill me to think of her with other guys even if we were broken up, but at the same time I cant very well stop her from going (clip her wings so to speak). This girl is love of my life (havent told her that either cause unsure does she feel that strongly), any advice on wat i should do? anyone been in similar situation? I mean should I come out point blank and say the above and that I think she d be making a huge mistake (and risk her holding this against me i.e. not travelling) both of us in very early twenties. cheers guys

The last FOUR relationships i have been in ended like that (one being me going away). Its just a situation that is very common these days, everyone is on the move to somewhere else in their 20's, there is nothing you can do really but i know it sucks. In my experience for each 'love of my life' that i lost i always met another. It is possible to feel this way about more than one woman in your lifetime. Being in your early 20's is too young to be tied down anyway man, go out and enjoy your youth!

kmick

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

-Richard Bach

Girrrrseach

kmick wrote:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

-Richard Bach

Well said (okay, not you, but good quote)

You need to have a VERY frank sit down about what your expectations are of each other.

Loomis

ozhater wrote:

'Trust me buddy if she is going away for a year break up now, yes i am bitter.

Met a girl when we were both going into our final year of college, we got on great but she had plans to go travelling with her best friend but as it wasnt for over a year i thought it would be fine. So were toether a year and she packs up and goes with the usual promises that "i wont kiss anyone" etc etc etc

Heres a list of what she did....

1) Slept with a guy i was in college with (they didnt know each other he was just telling me about this girl who had a particular tattooo so i knew it was her)

2) Slept with at least ten people

3) Got pregnant and had an abortion

4) All the time telling me how much she loved me etc...

Once o heard about her sleepign with someone else i didnt want her so i went on with my own life but kept up the pretense of a relationship with her...

When she got back i was going out with someone else and she went nuts going on about how could i cheat on her etc... So i told her what i had heard about her shenanigans and she confessed.... so i left her citting in a pub crying... Revenge is a dish best served cold...


Moral of the story break up now and if its emant to be you'll get back together.'

Jesus thunderin' Christ but that's a miserable story

Like most have said sit down and talk to her. You're only going out a while but feel strongly for her. You have to tell her that at the least. Maybe if she feels the same she'll hold off going abroad for the next few years. If not - then at least you know.

Royale with Cheese

Girlfriend just got back from travelling for over 10 months. We survived the year. It's doable but it's really shíte. It depends on what type of people you are really. I'm generally not arsed with picking up random girls in night clubs and I never get approached. I was finishing my degree and didn't meet anybody I was remotely interested in.

She is quite outgoing but also wouldn't be interested in scoring random people in clubs. She met lots of people and had plenty of oppurtunities to cheat on me. She rang me up once in tears saying she came close to it but didn't in the end.

You really would have to have 100% trust. I was the same as you, hated the thought of her being with other guys and it would have been a huge problem had we split up and tried to get back together 10 months later. Even though we managed it, I don't know if I can reccommend trying the year apart. We came close to calling it quits on more than one occassion. It will be alot harder for her to keep the relationship going than it will be for you.

_blank_

Royale with Cheese wrote:

Girlfriend just got back from travelling for over 10 months. We survived the year.

Right, this sounds similar to how I'd like my relationship to pan out.

I started seeing a girl just before Xmas, and she told me she was planning to head away this Summer.

I knew I had the right girl for me pretty much after a month of starting seeing her. We talked about her plans a few times in the forst couple of months, but I was determined to hold on to her, so I kept putting off the discussion. Eventually we had a proper chat, just after she actually booked the trip. I told her I didn't want to break up, but I knew that it would be harder for her to keep it going (I'm back since this time last year from my own year away, I had travelled with, among others, a girl who was in a five year relationship. She didn't last. However, I don't care about the horror stories, I want this girl, adn I am prepared to wait). She said the same thing, she didn't want to break up with me.

About a month before she left we were just out having a few drinks with some mates, it was the first time I told her I loved her. I was delighted I did, because she told me the exact same thing, but was scared to say it earlier in case I was a bit weird about it with her going away. No way. I love this girl, and she loves me. I had to tell her I'd wait until she came back for her. She told me she couldn't even imagine being with anyone else.

So, she left at the start of June, and it's been two months. Whenever she's online she texts me to see if I'm available for a MSN chat, she rings about once a week. It certainly isn't easy, but I am willing to wait.

That sounds like a pretty slushy romantic film, and I realise that. It's going to get harder as the months go by, but after Xmas there'll be less time til she comes back than she has been away for, and really, time is going fairly quick.

I have my interests to keep me going (Boards Football Team, I support Shels, so am at a game every weekend, settling into my new place, seeing friends, I keep myself busy)

Royale with Cheese wrote:

I'm generally not arsed with picking up random girls in night clubs and I never get approached.

She is quite outgoing but also wouldn't be interested in scoring random people in clubs.

That's exactly what me and my gf are like tbh. It's not that hard for me to just sit back in a pub and just chat to whoever, with no pretext of anything further happening.

Royale with Cheese wrote:

You really would have to have 100% trust.

This is essential, and myself and my gf have it.

Pyjamarama

You need to talk to her asap! don't torture yourself.

I was in your girlfriends position, started going out with someone when i was in the middle of planning my year away. We both pussyfooted around the subject and only talked about it indirectly. We fell in love, my boyfriend was planning on going away a while after so we compromised and i stuck around longer. We combined all the places we both wanted to go and now I couldn't be happier that he is the person I am going away with.

Would you like to travel after you finish college? Maybe your girlfriend would be prepared to wait or go away for a shorter time and then you could both go away together. For this to happen you both would have to be 100% sure of the relationship. Two years can seem a lifetime at our age and when you finish college waiting for that long may be torture for her. You don't want her to resent you for that whole time either.

Talk to her and see how she feels about the relationship, if you both love each other you'll work it out.

LegacyUser

'

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Jesus thunderin' Christ but that's a miserable story

Like most have said sit down and talk to her. You're only going out a while but feel strongly for her. You have to tell her that at the least. Maybe if she feels the same she'll hold off going abroad for the next few years. If not - then at least you know.

thanks for the responses lads. tbh half dyin and half terrified of sayin that im in love with her (yes know how pathetic that sounds) given i dont know wat she feels (or can u ever know for sure til one person says it?). To the girls on the board, watever about talking to her about goin away, if i were to say that to her but she didn feel that strongly, wat would be the outcome for the relationship i wonder? Would she be freaked out or flattered?

Then again, its probably just a pointless argument with myself, will just have to get up the balls to say it, its almost slipped out a few times already. bah life lol. Someone above said im only in my twenties, and not to worry too much about her plenty of fish etc., well no offence but i think thats bull. You can know someones right for you be you twenty or sixty'

Pyjamarama

worrieddub wrote:

'
You can know someones right for you be you twenty or sixty'

I absolutely agree with you but if she really is right for you then she would you not be 100% sure of her feelings for you. If she is right for you she should love you as much as you love her.

To answer your other question whether a girl would be flattered if someone said i love you but she didn't feel the same. Sure she would be flattered (who doesn't want to be loved!) but as you say may also be freaked out! If she doesn't feel the same way i can't really see the relationship going much further. You deserve to be in an equal relationship and not always feeling like your being settled for. Talk to her and see how she really feels.

Petey2006

Been there, done that, etcetera. And been miserable because of it. Let her go mate. For your own sake. Ye have only been going out five months. Chances are her eye will wander. She'll be traveling, having a great time and she probably will want to hook up with someone. You'll do yourself no favors clinging on to the relationship. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the best thing to do.

LegacyUser

Pyjamarama wrote:

I absolutely agree with you but if she really is right for you then she would you not be 100% sure of her feelings for you. If she is right for you she should love you as much as you love her.

To answer your other question whether a girl would be flattered if someone said i love you but she didn't feel the same. Sure she would be flattered (who doesn't want to be loved!) but as you say may also be freaked out! If she doesn't feel the same way i can't really see the relationship going much further. You deserve to be in an equal relationship and not always feeling like your being settled for. Talk to her and see how she really feels.

ah when u put it like that if i said it and she didnt would pretty much spell end of it caus wld feel like i was being settled for. guess il see wat happens thanks for response

LegacyUser

'

Petey2006 wrote:

Been there, done that, etcetera. And been miserable because of it. Let her go mate. For your own sake. Ye have only been going out five months. Chances are her eye will wander. She'll be traveling, having a great time and she probably will want to hook up with someone. You'll do yourself no favors clinging on to the relationship. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the best thing to do.

man thats exactly what i dont want to hear lol. I know what your saying but wouldn you always wonder what would have happened had you kept it going. But defo if she was gone 9months - 1year just dont see how it could work, or even if she agreed id go mental wondering what she was getting up to. Christ what a situation'

MrBaseball

I reckon that these situations are pretty difficult. While she's still here, you'll be thinking "if we like each other this much, we can make it through this no problem!". After she's gone for a while though, you'll notice that you don't quite feel as strongly about her. You'll start noticing other women and thinking "if she's not here, is it really a relationship" etc etc(by the way, I reckon the answer is no). You may not cheat, but you might start feeling like you're wasting some of your youth waiting for the person, or that you've commited yourself too easily. If you don't feel this way, she might, especially since she's off in new environments having fun and meeting new people.

Or it could all work out great, not be a problem at all you still feel the same during and after 9 months apart,both stay faithful ,get married and have a lovely life together!!

Anyway, good luck, you'll need it.

I suggest you just get on with your life until she gets back and let her do the same. See how you feel about each other in 9 months time. Why do you want such a big commitment already?

Gyalist

Ask yourself this question: Why isn't she worried about what you'll get up to in Dublin while she's away travelling?

Zambia

Enjoy your time together till September (end of summer).

In September let her go. Its better to be known as the guy she really liked before she left who let her have her head than the wreck of a bloke she left behind.

While she's away enjoy yourself don't dwell on her return.

You cant keep someone you can only let them stay with you.

lmtduffy

I ma in a similar situation,
except we've been together for a year,
and we both are aware that we love each other,
I took a while but we eventually talked about what would
happen,
I asked if we’d stick it out,
she said she dint know,
I was hoping she was only saying that to avoid being vulnerable,
as in she might have been expecting me to want to end things,
after some amount of silence,
and some idle tears,
not form me far to manly( since I got a haircut anyways, off topic),
I told her that I was very happy with her,
and that if she wasn’t going away I think wed be very happy together for along time,
and that the day she goes away,
id be quiet disheartened regardless of what we decided,
but,
I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to her,
knowing I wouldn’t be able to kiss her or hold her when I saw her again,
and she said she wanted to stick it out,

I don’t know if we'll stick it out,
and if it ends when she’s away it will suck,
but it will eventually have to suck at some point because even if she wasn’t going away it would eventual end, its probability,

The point is you are taking a risk by sticking it out,
but if you end it you'll possibly regret it,
at least you can gain something by sticking it out,
and if you feel you want to end it at any point you can,
just let it happen don’t end something like love due to what is essentially an administrative error, i.e. unfortunate circumstances,

we all fall out of love at some point,
and we all fall in love again,
but you cant decide when any of this happens,
so stick it, stick it out,
and if you fall for someone else or if she does,
that’s when it ends naturally and organically,

but our situations are different,
and I felt like some constructive venting,
lots of people are in this situation,

and it sounds like you have a lot you want to say to her but haven’t yet,
got around to
Do it,
seriously,

Mighty_Mouse

Speaking from experience. Forget it.
If she was "crazy" in love she would be pestering you with ideas of taking a year out. Visiting her out there etc etc .................
Not slyly dropping hints thats she's leaving!!!

Looks like she wants to travel "no strings attached". I would be willing to bet my house on her not coming back the same girl. (and not wanting the same relationship)

Irish girls travelling are notorious.

Small town mentality (not being known as a "slut")
combined with a Catholic upbringing (lack of openness re sexuality within families/schools etc) creates a time-bomb.

Irish Girls travelling = bikes ( rule of thumb, exceptions exist!!)

Its completely nuts, dangerous, immature, stupid......... but true.

Most Irish chicks I know that do the travelling "thing" spent most of it on their backs.

LegacyUser

'right thanks for all responses, the time for talkin bout it is over i guess, goin to attempt to clear my head this weekend on it. my last question advice wise is if it was you would you bring up the two issues together - being crazy about her and the fact that shes goin travelling, so what will happen)

- seperately as in give them a bit of space (and if she doesn reciprocate first one probably takes care of the second convo)

- or just bring up travelling thing (tbh least attractive to me, I need to know how she feels before i drive both myself and yerselves crazy lol)

- and actually in alcohol or alcohol free situation? im inclined to do it over a drink in a quite little pub by me we always head to when we want time alone, not overboard just a pint.

so i guess any last advice before i hit the front lines (and yes some of ye must wonder how a crazily neurotic guy like myself hangs on to women im normal enough i swear ) cheers'

ladylorenzo

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Speaking from experience. Forget it.
If she was "crazy" in love she would be pestering you with ideas of taking a year out. Visiting her out there etc etc .................
Not slyly dropping hints thats she's leaving!!!

Looks like she wants to travel "no strings attached". I would be willing to bet my house on her not coming back the same girl. (and not wanting the same relationship)

Irish girls travelling are notorious.

Small town mentality (not being known as a "slut")
combined with a Catholic upbringing (lack of openness re sexuality within families/schools etc) creates a time-bomb.

Irish Girls travelling = bikes ( rule of thumb, exceptions exist!!)

Its completely nuts, dangerous, immature, stupid......... but true.

Most Irish chicks I know that do the travelling "thing" spent most of it on their backs.

Really dont feel like getting into this, not only because it is off thread, but because it is one of the most severe cases of stereotyping i've witnessed on Boards to date. You're wrong Mighty Mouse. Some girls might act as you say(as do the men) but there are LOTS of girls(&men) who go travelling so that they can SEE the world, experience new cultures and broaden their minds...not so so they can rack up as many notches on their bed posts as possible. If people wanted to do that, then they could go and spend a year in Brighton.

What you're saying is utterly unfair and untrue(Rule of thumb....exceptions exist!!) and I'm quite confident that most Boards members who have done a stint travelling abroad, would concur.

tbh

Just to say I've been on both sides of the coin on this one. In my experience, the thought of her going away is much worse than the fact. If ye break up and she goes, at least you won't be seeing her all round the place - out of sight turns to out of mind really quickly. I've seen LOADS of friends being "Left behind" and guess what - when the object of their affections comes home after a year (which really isn't that long) they are usually in a panic because they are seeing someone else (that is, the person who stayed at home is) and they don't know how to tell their ex. Whatever will happen, will happen, and whatever happens will be the best thing for you. I was heartbroken leaving my g/f behind in Dublin, the truth is I can barely remember what she looked like now.

As far as telling her what you feel, whats the point? IF she really loves you, you'll be back together when she comes back. IF she doesn't, you'll just make her feel obligated to you.

LegacyUser

'wel since ye did me the courtesy of replyin thought id let ye know how it panned out (and yes mod i know its not a soap lol) We ended up talkin about loads of stuf, stuf i didnt even know was bothering her and vica versa. She isnt thinkin of travelling until possibly march and tbh its a distant thing at the mo. We bout agreedthat its impossible at the mo given its 6/7 months to kinda wonder what wil happen and that its best to play it by ear which is fair enough. for now its a big relief to know at leas the option is there to let things develop rather than pullin the plug in a months time, and the convo was an eye opener in many respects (in good way mostly). so far now im happy way things are going. Thanks lads!'

Pyjamarama

Good to hear OP, good luck with it

DAVE_K

I've done a fair bit of travelling around Asia and South America and I've met a good few girls in relationships who've been faithful - i've also met a few it has to be said who weren't so it's probably at the end of the day the luck of the draw.

Someone once said to me "if you encourage them to go they usually come back"......if you try and get them to stay they usually bugger off.

Encourage and support her. If she's the right one it'll all work out - if she's not then maybe this is a good test and will save you wasting any more time on this relationship.

Sh1t happens, things change, thats life - i've had girlfriends before I've been madly in love with and coudn't live without - at the time I couldn't bear to think of them with anyone else. One of them now is married to my best mate and they have two kids together - and they're a great family.

Time heals all. Life must be lived. Seeing her go will hurt for a while but it will get better.