Bf text other girls...

laney82

I'd like to know what people think of the following...

I recently found out that my boyfriend of 2 years (living together almost 1 year) had been texting other girls (4-5), a couple of whom he'd been with before. I had made my feelings clear on this topic when we started going out as I was aware that he used to text several girls at once when he was single. My attitude was - fair enough, you can't stop them texting you but I'd really rather you don't text them back or encourage them.

We work together and as he works in sales, it's part of his job to be friendly and personable. All of the girls he'd txt he had met through work, most of them before we got together. Now he's a naturally flirty guy and I've accepted this about him - I like it most of the time and I always trusted him but now I'm not sure what to do. I was given his phone bill in work and found that he'd been textin various girls regularly over a couple of months. One girl in particular I had been very vocal about not liking was even down under her old and new phone numbers!

I confronted him later and he said that it was mostly work related and that nothing inappropriate ever happened with any of them but I'm finding it hard to believe. What really hurt me was that I noticed that there was list of texts at times when I wasn't around (at a class/night out) so was he just waiting til I was gone to text them? Knowing him as I do there's bound to have been flirting going on and then I wonder if maybe more than that?

He's apologised for everything and we've spoken in depth about what was going on with us at the time and I found out that he was feeling a bit scared about the realisation that he was so serious about me ie his young/free/single days were gone. He says he was selfish but never intended to hurt me and never took the texts to another level (phone sex) even though he could have. He was sworn to be upfront with me about everything from now on but I still can't help but wonder...

I've given him another chance - what would you do?

markpb

laney82 wrote:

I recently found out that my boyfriend of 2 years (living together almost 1 year) had been texting other girls (4-5), a couple of whom he'd been with before. I had made my feelings clear on this topic when we started going out as I was aware that he used to text several girls at once when he was single. My attitude was - fair enough, you can't stop them texting you but I'd really rather you don't text them back or encourage them.

Why do you have a problem with him texting other girls? It sounds quite odd that you'd want him to outright stop. I've been going out with and living with my girlfriend for over three years now and we both text other people. To be fair, none of those people are ex-es but I wouldn't have a problem if she did.

Zulu

It's clear you don't trust him, so there's your answer.



That being said, your lack of trust appears to be stemming from some serious insecurities. Perhaps you should address these first?

claire-g

markpb wrote:

Why do you have a problem with him texting other girls? It sounds quite odd that you'd want him to outright stop.

I agree, you either trust him or you dont, if you trust him it shouldnt make any difference who he texts as you know nothing will ever happen. If you dont trust him the relationship is unlikely to work out in the long term.

Be honest with yourself about the trust issue, dont try to talk yourself into trusting someone you dont or ask yourself why you might not trust him. If you try to lie to yourself about it, the problem will grow and grow.

muppetkiller

So your very insecure and can't trust your boyfriend because he's texts other women ( not in a flirty or sexual way) ???
And you're going to give him another chance ?

If I was him I'd be wondering if I would give you another chance. Your Paranoia is probably driving him crazy.

"What really hurt me was that I noticed that there was list of texts at times when I wasn't around (at a class/night out) so was he just waiting til I was gone to text them? "
Is he only allowed text people when you're around ????
Again I really think you need to take a chill pill here. Has your boyfriend cheated in the past ? Has he ever cheated on his girlfriends in the past ? if no then you're the problem here and your lack of trust.

K-9

Probably goes back to the age old question - can a man be just friends with ex's or girls? Depends on the man I think.

The texts at night when you're on a night out seem a bit strange. But it's going to be difficult knowing whats going on unless you read his messages, which btw some people hate!;)

You only mention text, does he not ring them as well or does he meet then through work and then only texts?

Its not criminal I suppose. If it was the other way around and it was g/f doing it, I wouldn't be 100% cool with it but I'd let it go for now, but keep an eye on suspicious behaviour.Maybe a wee peak at his messages, not recommended, but if its killing you that much!

K-9

muppetkiller wrote:

So your very insecure and can't trust your boyfriend because he's texts other women ( not in a flirty or sexual way) ???
And you're going to give him another chance ?

If I was him I'd be wondering if I would give you another chance. Your Paranoia is probably driving him crazy.

"What really hurt me was that I noticed that there was list of texts at times when I wasn't around (at a class/night out) so was he just waiting til I was gone to text them? "
Is he only allowed text people when you're around ????
Again I really think you need to take a chill pill here. Has your boyfriend cheated in the past ? Has he ever cheated on his girlfriends in the past ? if no then you're the problem here and your lack of trust.

In fairness she did post he's a big flirt which doesn't mean a lot, but some of these are ex's who he texts whem she's out for the eve/night. She doesn't know what the texts are like.

Your point on his past trustworthy record is good. If he wasn't then it would be hard to trust him.

If he's a natural flirt and does this with all the girls and you know nothing has come of it before well you have to trust him.

LegacyUser

I would also txt 4 or 5 girls fairly regularly and have a gf, tbh soemtimes these txts get flirty as a couple are ex's and 2 girls in particular my gf things i want to get up on! But i have caught her checkign my phone more than a few times, yet she txts lads a good bit too but of course with her "theres nothing going on"

laney82

He cheated on his ex numerous times. Now I don't think he would actually physically cheat on me but still... We were friends before we were a couple and he told me all about these girls and I used to see the messages he'd send to them, and when we initially got together the texts were very full on. Plus it's not just a msg here or there - there were lists of up to 20-30 msgs in a row one after the other. And it's only because he was with these girls that it really bothers me.

And yes, some of the problem could be down to my being a little insecure within myself but I've really made the effort to not let that affect us and until now I don't think it has. Normally I wouldn't care who he texts but when it's girls I've spefically said I don't trust (1 girl keeps calling into him) then I think he should at least consider my feelings. When my ex kept txting me, my bf wasn't impressed so I didn't respond, even just for politeness sake. I'd rather be rude to someone than hurt his feelings.

He also denied txtin girls previous to me seeing the bill - but if he there was nothing to hide then why deny it? He could easily have said look I txt so and so today - at least then I'd know. But I don't like the hiding aspect of it.

Talliesin

laney82 wrote:

What really hurt me was that I noticed that there was list of texts at times when I wasn't around (at a class/night out) so was he just waiting til I was gone to text them?

Maybe he just has good manners so won't text somebody while in company unless it's urgent.

Maybe he enjoys your company, so will pay attention to you rather than to other people when you're around.

This thread now has 193 views and will get more. Why are you allowed to communicate with 193 people and he isn't?

laney82

To be fair Tallies I think you're taking it out of context. I don't object to him txting/talking to people at all - especially in work as it's part of his job. It's not as if I get jealous any time he speaks to someone - not the case at all.

The reason it bothers me is because I know the history with these girls and what & how things developed last time with them. It's because of who these girls are specifically that bothers me. Is it wrong to not want your boyfriend to be flirting or having long conversations with girls he's slept with before??

Zulu

Why were you given his phone bill, and why were you going through it checking out the numbers???
Correct me if I'm wrong, but an itemised bill just shows the numbers, you would have had to go out of your way to work out which number belong to whom.

Have you considered what you've done? It's 1) very unprofessional 2) a complete breach of trust between you and your boyfriend

You don't seem to appreciate that you've done something wrong here! If a partner did that to me I'd be flabbergasted, and would be seriously considering ending it. Why bother when you clearly don't trust him?

Zulu

laney82 wrote:

Is it wrong to not want your boyfriend to be flirting or having long conversations with girls he's slept with before??

Frankly - yes.
But in your case, no (as there are trust issues).

laney82

Tbh I didn't intend to look at the bill but was going to tease him about how much he was costing the company blah blah joke and I noticed that there was a list of approx 20 msgs to one particular number from 10.30pm to 1.30am - this made me curious so I checked the number. It was an ex who keeps showing up.

I'm not proud of it obviously but I didn't get the bill thinking "right I'm going to catch him out", nothing like that.

If your partner was txtin an ex to that degree, would you really be ok with it?

LegacyUser

laney82 wrote:

To be fair Tallies I think you're taking it out of context. I don't object to him txting/talking to people at all - especially in work as it's part of his job. It's not as if I get jealous any time he speaks to someone - not the case at all.

The reason it bothers me is because I know the history with these girls and what & how things developed last time with them. It's because of who these girls are specifically that bothers me. Is it wrong to not want your boyfriend to be flirting or having long conversations with girls he's slept with before??

If i was you id nip this in the bud asap. I was in a relationship and my ex was texting some guy constantly. Really pissed me off, but she said he was just a friend. She ended up cheating on me with him and breaking it off with me a while later and going with him straight away. He ended up ****ing her about so i had the last laugh.

magpie

To paraphrase Princess Leia - the tighter you squeeze your fist the more star systems will slip between your fingers.

Zulu

laney82 wrote:

...this made me curious so I checked the number. It was an ex who keeps showing up.

Fair enough, but initally you said:

laney82 wrote:

I was given his phone bill in work and found that he'd been textin various girls regularly over a couple of months.

You see this sound like you've had a few phone bills, and you've been checking up a few phone numbers.

If your partner was txtin an ex to that degree, would you really be ok with it?

I wouldn't have a problem with it unless I didn't trust them. You see, it could be that when you weren't around he wasn't distracted, was bored, and when someone texts he responds. Over a night a quick conversation could easily be 10-20 texts. All very innocent.

...or it could be that he was describing in great detail what he would like to do to them, and how much he missed the intimacy they once shared.

So which one is it? You are his girlfriend are you not? Do you honestly believe that means nothing to him?

laney82

It was a bi-monthly phone bill hence the couple months comment.

I take your point - believe and trust him or there's no point. I made my decision hence we're still together, I do trust him to not cheat on me but I have to admit that I was disappointed that he kept txtin someone when he knew I wouldn't like it and denied it also. Now it's not as if he killed someone I'm not being melodramatic but I think he was a little dismissive of my feelings. He loves me and I love him but all I want is honesty - by him not mentioning that he was txtin these girls made me more worried/suspicious than I normally would be

Zulu

laney82 wrote:

... I was disappointed that he kept txtin someone when he knew I wouldn't like it and denied it also. ... by him not mentioning that he was txtin these girls made me more worried/suspicious than I normally would be

Thats fair enough, but by asking someone to completely cut contact with someone else (or by making other hard/unrealistic demands) you force their hand. He denys it to avoid confrontation, but continues his actions because he believes your unreasonable.

Many moons ago, I went out with a girl who felt porn was disgusting (fair enough) and that men who looked are porn were dirty perverts (unrealistic). Now I loved that girl and didn't want her to think I was a dirty pervert, so when asked did I look at porn, my reaction was a deceitful one. I know it's an aside - but you see the point I'm making?

laney82

I completely see your point Zulu. Absolutely. Don't misunderstand me either - I'm actually very easy going, open minded and accepting person. As a prelude to this though I should mention that when we started going out I told him that I wasn't entirely confortable with his txtin of exs but that once I was kept in the loop about it I could handle it. That's the key to it. Whenever my ex txt me I always told him, even if a male friend txt I'd mention it - not because I have to but because there's nothing to hide.

But it's not as if they're even proper friends - he'd told me numerous times (even before we were a couple) that she was very dim but good looking so only one reason for txtin etc etc.. it's not as if I asked him to never speak to his best friend again.

People will lie to avoid confrontation - I've done it myself but not with my bf. He should have trusted me to trust him but he hid it (he admitted he did) so when I accidentally found out about it, it turned into a bigger deal than it should have been.

Zulu

ok fair enough, sounding a little more sane now
I guess all you can do is say: look, we both seen the bill and it looks bad - how are we going to work this?

Openess is key I guess.
I wish you the best - good luck

Red Alert

Why do you have a problem with him texting other friends of his who happen to be women? There's a difference between being friendly and cheating or wanting to!

I would dump somebody who put down a 'do not text' list for what it's worth.

laney82

Thanks Zulu - I could see that I was coming across as some kind of neurotic possessive chick when I really am not that at all!

That's essentially what we did - we've agreed to be completely open about everything and thereby eliminating the chance of any confusion in the future.

Red Alert - please do me the courtesy of reading through the posts before commenting - there was never a "do not text list"

Jack B. Badd

laney82 wrote:

He loves me and I love him but all I want is honesty - by him not mentioning that he was txtin these girls made me more worried/suspicious than I normally would be

Trust does not require complete honesty, and neither trust nor honesty require a full disclosure of information. If you trust your boyfriend (as you claim) then you'll have to have faith that he is being honest with you - and as it's an issue of faith, you'll have to do this without much evidence. Granted if evidence to the contrary appears, it would be healthy to question your trust but until such time as you come across this evidence you'll just have to take it on faith that he is being honest (as in the case of his assertions that the texts were innocent). Likewise, your boyfriend being honest with you does not require that he tell you absolutely everything. He can be honest and still keep some information to himself, in fact I'd consider it an unhealthy relationship if he didn't keep some stuff to himself and the same goes for you. The main problem seems to be your suspicion of him. Relax, enjoy your relationship and accept the fact that he has just as much entitlement to friends of the opposite sex as you do (and without you vetting them first too!).

claire-g

I think if you dont trust someone its not gonna work out. The relationship, you and him will suffer. Why dont you find someone you can trust 100%??

K-9

laney82 wrote:

He cheated on his ex numerous times. Now I don't think he would actually physically cheat on me but still...

Normally I wouldn't care who he texts but when it's girls I've spefically said I don't trust (1 girl keeps calling into him) then I think he should at least consider my feelings. When my ex kept txting me, my bf wasn't impressed so I didn't respond, even just for politeness sake. I'd rather be rude to someone than hurt his feelings.

He also denied txtin girls previous to me seeing the bill - but if he there was nothing to hide then why deny it? He could easily have said look I txt so and so today - at least then I'd know. But I don't like the hiding aspect of it.

You have posted 1. he has cheated before 2. he is texting girls you wouldn't trust 3. he has lied about texting.

The big one for me though is
4. he wasn't impressed by your ex texting you, but yet he can text his exes 20/30 times a day.

You may be a little insecure but this isn't helping. It really is up to you. Can you trust him in the future or not? If you can't well.......