Throwing out stuff. Erasing the Ex...for good.

LegacyUser

Hey all, I've posted here a few times (and to everyone who has offered me advice, thank you)

Basically I broke up with my ex of 3.5 yrs last october and things have been great since. Now I have not seen her or heard from her at all...and thats the way I wanted it (and still do) due to circumstances at the time. I still don't want to see or hear from her as I'm enjoying my life so much that she reminds me of bad times. I'm over her now though and back on the dating game...just flirting and having fun...enjoying my own space

I have stuff (like letters, things form the relationship, photos, jewellery) that I never want to see again or use/wear again. I don't want to go through a nostalgia session (its buried deep in the depths of my wardrobe) so basically I want to get rid of it once and for all. Like all traces.

Do you think this is right? I mean...I've come to terms with things and I think this is the only way to put the final nail in the coffin. I feel I've come to the stage where I'm okay about getting rid of the stuff.

Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you get rid of the stuff? Any advice?

Thanks

LegacyUser

Yes I think you are doing the right thing. You seem happy enough and keeping the old stuff is only going to make you think of the past.

I would personally put the old letters and photos through a shredder to ensure they have gone completely.

~nop~

Yeah get rid of it, but when you're doing this don't go through it piece by piece or anything, which shredding it would involve doing. It would make anyone feel nostalgic! Just chuck the stuff out

Wibbs

My advice? It's part of your life history. At the moment despite your protestations to the contrary I suspect it's still has a hold over you outside of simply being history. If it was me I would box it all up, seal it with gaffa tape and put it in the attic or somewhere equally hard to get to.

In years to come you may find it brings up the nicer emotions when the recent bitterness passes with time.

Maybe it's me, but about a year ago I found some of my love letters to and from my "first" love from a very loooong time ago. If I had read them a year after the split, I would have been on here crying onto my keyboard(although it's so long ago I would more likely been crying onto my velum and quill...). Now when I read it it brought back some bitter sweet, but mostly sweet memories that I'd all but forgotten, that and more than a little embarrassment at my adolescent ramblings(and hers):D . All good stuff that I would have lost if I'd burnt the lot. I'm glad I didn't. Maybe I'm just a romantic sucker for that shíte but there you go. I'm quite sure I would have thought as you at the time.

ali.c

definately agree with wibbs, if you throw it out you cant get it back after all. So maybe take a while to think about do you actually want to erase all the time you spent with your ex from your life. Afterall 3.5 years is a long time and there must of been some good times along the way!

January

I'd recommend doing it... I cant get rid of all of the stuff from my last relationship because most of the pictures of us together were from my debs and I'm not destroying them just because he was in them...

Zebra3

Defo get rid of the stuff. Will help you move on.

And remember...recycle!

TheDriver

I'd keep them somewhere where you won't see them for a while and look over them in a few years as they will remind you of how things have moved on from bad times and possible make you smile even more.

milkerman

What you do with the old photos and letters etc is largely irrelevant. Burn em if you want to. Your asking the question is sufficient evidence of your current ability to move on.

One thing though, if you find anything of value in your ex's possessions, just post it on to her with a note explaining you found it recently and thought she might need it. Hopefully she might do the same courtesy for you.

WindSock

Yeah, no need to part with it all completely. I found an old letter from my ex a few months ago, and I'm glad I kept it. It reminds me never to go near that type of person again

paulie.walnuts

I would put it away for now, in a few years you can decide how you feel about it. Cutting off all comms was a good idea.

af_thefragile

I had made a lil bonfire out of all the things i had collected that related to my 1st gf. All the gifts, letters and all the little and big stuff...
Just wen't to a deserted place... a matchbox... a bottle of deodrant that she gifted me and i never used (used it that only time as fuel for my bonfire!)...
And yeah... saw it all go up in flames.. It was pretty fun actually!
And it was also the last time i ever felt anything for her. All my feelings for that girl went up in flames with rest of the stuff...

And luckily i don't have anything related to my 2nd gf! She never really had the money to buy anything for me. She couldn't give me the letter she had written to me cuz our relationship ended before she got a chance to give me that... i'll never know what she had written in that letter...
Basically whatever stuff there was relating to our relationship, she had it.. just some small little things...
So yeah.. i guess i was quite lucky this time around that i didn't hafta deal with any stuff lying around from the relationship haunting me...
All i've got are some pics and mails that are stored in a folder in a corner of my comp... If i feel the desperate need, i can delete it anytime... or just let it remain there among all the other useless junk i've got stored on my comp's hard drive...

Always like the smell of a fresh new beginning!!

LegacyUser

'Its just that this girl had such a hold on me...and it ended...like that. It was such an intense relationship. Half of me is wondering if i'll regret throwing the stuff out in years to come but the other is saying...do it, it will be the end, once and for all.

I'd never post anything back to her, i mean, I cut off all forms of communication - because i'd have never done the deed or followed through if I hadn't. My family made sure of that. I never want to speak to her again, I'm not bitter, nothing happened...it was a very clean break up but extremely intense. We were almost engaged ffs!!!

I'm just wondering how you'd destroy a watch and stuff...its a shame to do so, but I'll never wear it again and I don't want anyone else to either. Its all engraved and stuff.

Confused. '

DD

Dont rush into throwing anything right now. I totally agree with Wibbs. If its hard for you to see them now it means u still have feelings for her.
Keep them in a box, dont throw away anything, its part of ur past and u will be able to watch them again and remember happily those times without affecting you sooner or later.

Wibbs wrote:

My advice? It's part of your life history. At the moment despite your protestations to the contrary I suspect it's still has a hold over you outside of simply being history. If it was me I would box it all up, seal it with gaffa tape and put it in the attic or somewhere equally hard to get to.
In years to come you may find it brings up the nicer emotions when the recent bitterness passes with time.

CathyMoran

Wibbs wrote:

My advice? It's part of your life history. At the moment despite your protestations to the contrary I suspect it's still has a hold over you outside of simply being history. If it was me I would box it all up, seal it with gaffa tape and put it in the attic or somewhere equally hard to get to.

In years to come you may find it brings up the nicer emotions when the recent bitterness passes with time.

Maybe it's me, but about a year ago I found some of my love letters to and from my "first" love from a very loooong time ago. If I had read them a year after the split, I would have been on here crying onto my keyboard(although it's so long ago I would more likely been crying onto my velum and quill...). Now when I read it it brought back some bitter sweet, but mostly sweet memories that I'd all but forgotten, that and more than a little embarrassment at my adolescent ramblings(and hers):D . All good stuff that I would have lost if I'd burnt the lot. I'm glad I didn't. Maybe I'm just a romantic sucker for that shíte but there you go. I'm quite sure I would have thought as you at the time.

I agree with Wibbs. Luckily my mum took some of the stuff that I wanted to get rid of and now I can look on it with happier memories. It was even more important to me as I ended up marrying an ex so if those memories had been destroyed it would have been disasterous!

Victor

w-paddy wrote:

I'm just wondering how you'd destroy a watch and stuff...its a shame to do so, but I'll never wear it again and I don't want anyone else to either. Its all engraved and stuff.

Give it to a charity shop to sell. Let some good come of it.

Wibbs

CathyMoran wrote:

Luckily my mum took some of the stuff that I wanted to get rid of and now I can look on it with happier memories. It was even more important to me as I ended up marrying an ex so if those memories had been destroyed it would have been disasterous!

Exactly, you never know what will happen in the future. I can think of at least two couples who got back together after very bad breakups. One of the people in the interim even got married and then divorced and now she's back with the ex after ten years! Mad altogether, but it happens more than you would think. Either way it is a part of your past and while denying it now is healthy, long term it may not be.

Victor wrote:

Give it to a charity shop to sell. Let some good come of it.

It'll be a whoer to sell with personal engraving though. Me? I'd wear it the odd time. Put it to good use outside of the emotional attachment. It may even help with that.

metrovelvet

Wibbs wrote:

Maybe it's me, but about a year ago I found some of my love letters to and from my "first" love from a very loooong time ago. If I had read them a year after the split, I would have been on here crying onto my keyboard(although it's so long ago I would more likely been crying onto my velum and quill...). Now when I read it it brought back some bitter sweet, but mostly sweet memories that I'd all but forgotten, that and more than a little embarrassment at my adolescent ramblings(and hers):D . All good stuff that I would have lost if I'd burnt the lot. I'm glad I didn't. Maybe I'm just a romantic sucker for that shíte but there you go. I'm quite sure I would have thought as you at the time.

Aren't love letters a little different to objects? No one is quite sure to whom they belong?

I keep mine too. They are a bit like the black box after a plane crash.

claire-g

I wouldnt throw the stuff out yet, especially considering your not 100% sure about doing it, put it all away in a place so that you dont see it all the time and one day you'll either be glad you have it or you'll be sure you want to get rid, in which case i say go right ahead. It can be hard to look at stuff from old relationships but in time it could be good to look at it and say:

a) I'm so glad thats over, not gonna make that mistake again.

or

b) You know what, as hard as that relationship/break-up was I wouldnt have changed a minute cause i learned so much about life and myself.

Take Care

CliffHuxtabel

I think you should chuck all that stuff out.
With any clothes or paper I suggest you put them on a little raft, set em on fire and push them out to sea or down a river. A Viking funeral for those relics of the past! Anything that you cant burn like that watch should be given to the Simon community or someone who might appreciate it.
No use living in the past. Seriously, what is there to gain from keeping that stuff?

Wibbs

CliffHuxtabel wrote:

No use living in the past. Seriously, what is there to gain from keeping that stuff?

Because your past should and does inform your future. Often in ways you don't see or imagine until much later. Now you shouldn't live in the past, but when the dust has truly settled it's often informative to relive the often forgotten memories that got you to where you are.

Ekancone

Wibbs wrote:

My advice? It's part of your life history. At the moment despite your protestations to the contrary I suspect it's still has a hold over you outside of simply being history. If it was me I would box it all up, seal it with gaffa tape and put it in the attic or somewhere equally hard to get to.

In years to come you may find it brings up the nicer emotions when the recent bitterness passes with time.

Maybe it's me, but about a year ago I found some of my love letters to and from my "first" love from a very loooong time ago. If I had read them a year after the split, I would have been on here crying onto my keyboard(although it's so long ago I would more likely been crying onto my velum and quill...). Now when I read it it brought back some bitter sweet, but mostly sweet memories that I'd all but forgotten, that and more than a little embarrassment at my adolescent ramblings(and hers):D . All good stuff that I would have lost if I'd burnt the lot. I'm glad I didn't. Maybe I'm just a romantic sucker for that shíte but there you go. I'm quite sure I would have thought as you at the time.

thats good advice

Red Alert

One letter I got from an ex- proves I was right to move on, but it does remind me of being 20 and still in college so I didn't shred it!

Loomis

I did this a while ago. I had things like cards, movie stubs, mugs/keyrings with our picture on that we got in theme parks etc. She didn't treat me well so I broke up and didn't want those reminders around even though I wouldn't be actively looking at them. As I went through them it was hard not to think of times in the past. I didn't want to though so I just started picking the things up and stuffing them into a bag without looking at what I'd picked up.
Felt better for it.

Papergirl 1

Once your sure that you are 100% over her then just chuck the lot out! If your really really glad to be out of the relationship you'll get great enjoyment going through all the stuff, thanking God that you got out of the relationship when you did!

Skip Work!

I've been in a situation very similar to this and I say. . . burn it all!!! You'll feel better knowing you don't have that stuff lurking in the back of your wardrobe.

Onwards and upwards!!

CliffHuxtabel

Wibbs wrote:

Because your past should and does inform your future. Often in ways you don't see or imagine until much later. Now you shouldn't live in the past, but when the dust has truly settled it's often informative to relive the often forgotten memories that got you to where you are.

Dont agree. Anything useful to be gotten from the memories of the finished relationship will be firmly entrenched in ones unconcious. Keeping the mementos is merely being sentimental. In the op's case, he wants to be rid of the details of that particular relationship. Throwing away all that stuff is a positive act.