worn out

LegacyUser

with my bf for 4 years,not living together.he works nights i work days so a social life together is a non existent. however my bf goes racing 5 times a years for 3 or 4 days at a time with boys. he never suggests a wkend away with me, when i try to talk to him bout us going on holiday together, i just get the shoulders shrugged.our life together is basically meeting each other saturday n sunday nights at 3am! and that more or less it oh maybe a night out with his friends every month or so if im lucky.. every time i try n talk to him about this he either wont answer my calls/ texts or if he does he just tells me im wrecking his head n he's not listening to my ****... before me my bf used to sleep around quiet alot and just meet girls to shag em etc.. and he cant see how i now think im no different to d way he treated them.. he has my head wrecked, i find myself acting like i never did before eg ringing him non stop if i know he's ignoring my calls, that just makes me worse n drives me to keep ringing him! he used to make such an effort with us but now its just not there,,,its even gone to d stage where during the week he mitent even ring or text saying he had nothing to talk about with to me! sorry for ranting...

spurious

You're obviously not happy with things.

oooooooooooooo wrote:

our life together is basically meeting each other saturday n sunday nights at 3am! and that more or less it

Is the only time you see him when he comes by for late night activities?
If so, there are some people might give another name to what you have with him.

The ringing non-stop will be very annoying for him, regardless of how you justify why you are doing it. It will become a childish 'he won't answer so I'll keep ringing' game, except all it does is makes you feel more sh1tty and get him more annoyed.

Shoulder shrugging in response to a question from someone you are supposed to care about is hugely disrespectful.

You could try talking to him and see is he interested enough in the relationship to work on it - otherwise, cut your losses and find some guy who works normal hours and will treat you like you should be treated.

Beelzebub

Has he always been this way with you? If so I don't understand how you could put up with such selfish behaviour for so long. That kind of behaviour is not acceptable in a relationship.
And if you have, then he's become used to it.
He's using you and he really doesn't have much respect for you.
This is not a real relationship at all. No wonder you feel worn out!

The fact that you work days and he works nights doesn't help either.
It takes a lot of effort to make a relationship work under such a strain.
Obviously you've tried to communicate your feelings/concerns.
And apparently he's not even prepared to listen to how you feel.

To be honest with you I'd seriously think of just dumping the guy and finding someone who will value you and respect you!

Catari Jaguar

4 years of that? wtf?? Just break up, you're not happy and he doesn't give a sh1t. Don't start on about "no,I love him bla bla...", he keeps you dangling and ignores you and you want him more. it's not love, it's a weird power trip relationship on his part, he' l never respect you if you stay so clingy and you'll never be happy.

LegacyUser

At the start of the relationship he wasnt at atll like this, he made such an effort and he said he always wanted to be with me etc.. But all that stopped then and for the last two years its just been a middle of the night relationship. I know i should keep ringing him but i feel as if ive no other choice coz thats the only way i can communicate with him.. by phone.
What annoys me is he tells every one oh im gona marry her and she's my future wife... Its like he cant see what a joke our relationship is not to mind us being married.. he used to cheat on previous girlfriends and i think just because he hasnt cheated on me that that fact alone is the effort he's making..

Chinafoot

2 years!! You've let that go on for 2 years?! Sorry hun but a serious dose of self-respect is needed. Of course he doesn't give a shít, he can just give you a buzz at the weekend when he fancies a bit and you go running.

He will treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

ooooooooo wrote:

he used to cheat on previous girlfriends and i think just because he hasnt cheated on me that that fact alone is the effort he's making..

Sorry but if my boyfriend of 4 years has been treating me like this for the last 2 years there would be serious doubts in my mind regarding his fidelity.

oooooooo wrote:

every time i try n talk to him about this he either wont answer my calls/ texts or if he does he just tells me im wrecking his head n he's not listening to my ****

Walk away. Very, very quickly. You are being used and you're just letting it happen.

I suppose he tells you that he's telling everyone you'll marry, or he says it only when you're in earshot.
You're being used. He rings you when he wants some and that's it. Get some self-respect, seriously... anyone talked to me like you say he talks to you, they'd get what for, then I'd be outta there
he treats you like that because he knows that's what he can get away with, he doesn't need to put in more effort

LegacyUser

oooooooooooooo wrote:

before me my bf used to sleep around quiet alot and just meet girls to shag em etc.. and he cant see how i now think im no different to d way he treated them.

Sorry, but you're fooling yourself if you think he's treating you no different. If they knew what the story was, then he's treating you much much worse than he treated them.

In his defence, he's quite likely bull****ting himself as well as bull****ting you. However, it doesn't really matter how culpable he is - whether he's a waste of your life on purpose or just a waste of your life, he's still a waste of your life.

oooooooooooo wrote:

At the start of the relationship he wasnt at atll like this, he made such an effort and he said he always wanted to be with me etc..

None of us are perfect at keeping the levels of effort at the level they were at when we started a relationship.

We all will find that we'll meet up with our partner sometimes and really not have the energy for doing much. Indeed, it says something that if you don't have the energy for doing much to think about what people you would like to be with - generally these are the people closest to us, so it's a bad sign if your partner isn't near the top of the list.

However, we all do have to make an effort throughout a relationship, and if things are half-way healthy will find that effort rewarded.

oooooooooooo wrote:

What annoys me is he tells every one oh im gona marry her and she's my future wife.

This could be bull**** on his part.

On the other hand, he could have "low maintenance" pretty high up on his list of what he sees as good qualities in a wife.

Either way, cut your loses. Being in such a marriage probably won't be very good, if he ever gets around to it.

oooooooooooo wrote:

he used to cheat on previous girlfriends and i think just because he hasnt cheated on me that that fact alone is the effort he's making..

Or the effort he's not making.

Of course, maybe he is cheating on you and you don't know, but that beside maybe he's not cheating on you because he can't be bothered.

Further, there are two aspects to cheating. One part of it is the value of exclusivity that exists in our culture, the other is that if someone is concentrating on other partners then they are not concentrating on you.

These two things are of different value to different people. Some people just need to know that they are the only one. Some people just need to know that their partner is there for them (I wouldn't personally care if my girlfriend had sex with other people, but I would be very upset if she had as little time and effort for me as your boyfriend has for you).

I'd guess that you value both of these things. It's important to you that your boyfriend is only with you, but it's also important that you get the time and effort from him. Since you aren't getting that, he essentially is cheating on you in terms of what actually matters to you, even if he isn't having sex with anyone else.

Beelzebub

He's not cheating on you, give him a medal!!!
If it really is an an effort for him not to cheat on you doesn't this tell you what he thinks of you?
If he's serious about marrying you then he needs to make a real effort to show you how much you mean to him and not just to be telling other people!

Frankly I think he really doesn't give a damn about you.

EllieOh

oooooooooooooo wrote:

however my bf goes racing 5 times a years for 3 or 4 days at a time with boys. he never suggests a wkend away with me, when i try to talk to him bout us going on holiday together, i just get the shoulders shrugged.our life together is basically meeting each other saturday n sunday nights at 3am! ..

Honey,
this is not a relationship, this is, without being horrible what most of us call a 'Booty Call'. Don't take it personally, it just seems that your'e there for his convenience and not for your own good. There are men out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to be. If you're gonna stay with him then you have to schedule a time where you need to clear the air. If he says he's not listening to 'your crap' he has zero respect for you and is simply not worth you saving yourself for. So what if he was great in the first 2 years, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so selfish?
Respect yourself or at least tell him you need a break from the relationship to think about where its going. This should get him thinking.:)

Oryx

On the other hand, he could have "low maintenance" pretty high up on his list of what he sees as good qualities in a wife.

This is a very good point. He is with you because you give him no hassle.

Youre making it so easy for him to treat you like dirt. Why should he make an effort, hes getting along just fine, the way he wants it, without doing a thing for you? Youre sitting back and accepting it.

It sounds like he cares nothing for you. He tells you hes not listening to your crap, so you shut up. He refuses to see you, talk to you, return your calls, do anything except meet you late at night (when he wants sex presumably). When you ask him about it he says you are wrecking his head. As far as you know, he isnt cheating. Whoop-de-doo. He could be shagging half the country. How the hell would you know, you never see him??

^^^^^^^ Look your post with all the problems written down. You are not in a relationship. He may have loved you once, but now youre just handy. Its cruel, but from what you said, its how it looks to me. Why on earth are you staying?

meglome

Fair enough the constant ringing is a terrible idea but considering how he treats you its no wonder you've gone the way you have. He's ignoring you then getting annoyed that you keep ringing, cause and effect. You need to ditch this selfish bastard and get your live back in order.

K-9

oooooooooooooo wrote:

however my bf goes racing 5 times a years for 3 or 4 days at a time with boys.

Not good if you don't trust him and you wouldn't be constantly ringing him if you did? Understandable why you are ringing him but when people start doing that there's a reason which you've posted about. Not good. You could end up obsessing about this.

Does he own a racing car/bike? These things can be worse than alcoholism, drug addiction etc. Money involved is serious

spinandscribble

one question

WHY are you with him? he cant be THAT good in bed because that ALL your getting from him.

i cant imagine wasting a month with a guy like that let alone 4 years....

Wibbs

What are you getting from this relationship? I mean seriously? What has happened in your life to make you think this is a good thing? It seems obvious to everyone here. People who may normally disagree with each other are in pretty much full agreement that this is a bad situation. I'd listen to that and again try to work out why in your head this is acceptable.