some advice please

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm a 21 year old male who skipped a few pages in the growing up manual. Could you guys here please give me some advice on how to finger a girl so she'll really enjoy it? I'm talking about a scenario where we would both be fully dressed. I've never even attempted this before so I'm very nervous.

I know the best advice would be to ask the girl what she likes, but if she sniffs how inexperienced I am, I think she'll think it's creepy and dump me. I know she'll probably find out eventually that i'm a virgin etc. but I'm just in it for some fun anyway.

Marksie

sex_advice wrote:

know the best advice would be to ask the girl what she likes, but if she sniffs how inexperienced I am, I think she'll think it's creepy and dump me. .

It is the best advice, asking what a partner once and communicating throughout doing it is a very sensible and mature way of doing it. Personally i would always be communicating and asking regardless.
BUT if you want to get an idea, then start slowly and very gently the clitoris is very sensitive. It may also be worth your while actually having a look at the anatomy of the female genitals so you know what is your touching. There are plenty of books and resources out there.

sex_advice wrote:

know she'll probably find out eventually that i'm a virgin etc. but I'm just in it for some fun anyway.

Really? and is she?

spurious

No harm in asking her to guide your hand. Better than poking and fumbling around in the wrong place entirely.

In my experience, the best sexual contact is when it is done by someone who really cares for me, no matter how clumsy they might be in their technique, it's much better than a sex-God who is either wrapped up in themselves and how they feel or someone obsessed by their own performance.

I can't see how you're being a virgin would be a problem. It's quite attractive in a way.

LegacyUser

Yes the thing I'm most worried about is fondling the wrong area. No she's not a virgin. And no, I have idea where the clitoris is!!!

Marksie

sex_advice wrote:

Yes the thing I'm most worried about is fondling the wrong area. No she's not a virgin. And no, I have idea where the clitoris is!!!

There are many other areas as well OP, not just the clitoris, whihc can be very sensitive when stimulated directly.. If you ahve an awareness of what these are and begin gentle exploration then be guided by her responses than it is a good start.

LegacyUser

Could you give me a guide to finding the clitoris?

Marksie

sex_advice wrote:

Could you give me a guide to finding the clitoris?

Here is a medical link.

http://hon.nucleusinc.com/generateexhibit.php?ID=4508

When aroused it engorges, you will be able to feel it. Be very gentle and use lubricant to stop it getting sore. When exploring your partner ask... the diffrence ini position of 1/8th of an inch can be very important, use gentle swirling strokes til you hear of feel a response then be guided by her iof she wants you to move faster harder etc.
Also, look at the other areas between the urethra and vagina can be very pleaurable when stimulated by light rubbingg. The labia also. The opening to the vagina if the fingers move around the outer rim.

Don't focus on fast and hard. juts let it all build gently and slowly. Dont insert your fingers until she is read, or at all.
and dont focus on orgasm, let the experience be the be all and end all.

I would also say that you really shuldn't go straight for the genitals, aim to arouse her by massage, gentle body stroking and the neck, ears, lips, backs of knees.

Listening to the sounds she makes will give you a good guide. Do not be afraid to ask if that is ok, or how she would like you to proceed. That open ciommunication is vital. She will not think it as a sign of inexperience necessarily but that you are there facilitating her own ecstatic response.

As you become more comfortable with each other, or if you are having diffioculty, then ask her to self pleasure, you can see how she aruses herself. In and of itself it can be very erotic.

If it "isnt happening" then again, dont get upset, just ask her to guide your hand or show you.
If yuo say to her..i want to give you as mi#uch pleasure as i can, will you help me, without a doubt she will be absolutely delighted.

LegacyUser

Thanks Marksie, your advice has been very helpful. I never realised that the clitoris was above the Uretha, and I never realised the vagina was below the Uretha etc. I'm totally clueless. This has all been very helpful, you're turning me from complete novice to guru.

LegacyUser

sex_advice wrote:

I never realised that the clitoris was above the Uretha, and I never realised the vagina was below the Uretha etc. I'm totally clueless.

Do be prepared for a degree of variation in appearance particularly is size and colour of the labia. Don't freak out if you find it isn't exactly as the pictures have led you to believe, the basics of what goes where still applies.

Remember that all women also vary considerably in terms of what they like (this is also true of men) and also may find they like some things sometimes and not other times. In particular something that may be uncomfortable early on may be great when approaching orgasm (again this applies to us men too and you may well have noticed this from masturbating).

Now on the one hand this does make getting things right a bit harder. However when you look at it another way it also means that you may not be at quite as much of a disadvantage as you may think - none of us are absolutely perfect lovers who don't need a degree of communication to know what's good for someone, especially when we are with a new partner - so don't get too worried if there are a few false-starts and set backs.

PeakOutput

sex_advice wrote:

I know the best advice would be to ask the girl what she likes, but if she sniffs how inexperienced I am, I think she'll think it's creepy and dump me. I know she'll probably find out eventually that i'm a virgin etc. but I'm just in it for some fun anyway.

first of all i doubt she will think it is creepy BUT if you insist on keeping the front up she will more than likely not cop on if you simply ask her to tell you how she likes it.........depending on how experienced she is she will be pleasantly suprised that you care enough to ask and after that things get alot easier

LegacyUser

Trust me, it would seem very odd if she found out. I've been doing the badass, up for anything act from day 1. If I told her i was a virgin, i genuinely think she'd never believe me.

Marksie

sex_advice wrote:

Thanks Marksie, your advice has been very helpful. I never realised that the clitoris was above the Uretha, and I never realised the vagina was below the Uretha etc. I'm totally clueless. This has all been very helpful, you're turning me from complete novice to guru.

You are more than welcome. But in reality you are the one who will be turning yourself into a guru.

There are some more suggestions for you and I am sure other posters will have their own advice to give as well. It depends whether you are right or left handed. I am right handed so i will take it from that approach.
Make sure you are bioth in a very comfortabel position and situation so that you are not over extending your arm or hand. e.g your partner is on her back and you are lying sideways on to her right side.
I suggest using the middle finger of your right hand as the active finger. The other two can gently part the lips and it gives very free access to the whole genital region.
I use the term "jade pearl" for the clitoris as a) its much nicer and b), when it pops out of the clitoral hood in arousal it feels like a litte pearl (though b careful of direct stimulation it can be intense!!!!!!!).
The middle finger is the one that makes the movements, from little viobrations (imagine a butterfly wing rapid but very light) to swirls and up and down strokes. I use my partners lubrication to ensure that the jade pearl does not dry.
Though, dont concentrate too much on the how, just concentrate on enjoying it. One thing is to close your eyes and concentrate on you other senses as they will be a good pointer to what is happening. If you bring your awareness to your fingertip doing the movement, then you can feel exactly whats going on. Because you are lying close you can also feel what is happening throughout the rest of your partner (it will also connect you nicely together).
Finally remember you are the "giver" in this and do just that, juts let her lie back and enjoy whats happening without the expectation of anything happening to you at this point she is the "receiver".
The time will come when you can switch roles .
Dont try and keep it all in your head OP: juts get the basics right and enjoy... every woman is different and very special and unique. If you keep that mental approach then you will be perfectly OK no matter what you do.

Edit: Still find your own style eventually OP, its all part of learning, don't let my meandering confuse you :-)

LegacyUser

sex-advice wrote:

I've been doing the badass, up for anything act from day 1. If I told her i was a virgin, i genuinely think she'd never believe me.

I can think of people who are sexy, physcially attractive, adventurous and up for anything, but still virgins. They're up for anything, but they have their own standards as to whom they're up for anything with and those standards haven't been met yet.

If you tell her you're a virgin, then you're saying "you're the one I'm up for anything with, not anyone else so far". While I don't hold with people valuing virginity in and of itself, it's actually pretty rare for people to view it negatively either.

Coming clean about being a virgin gives you lots of scope.

It also gives her lots of scope. Teaching people about sex is fun!

If she thinks you have been with 200 people, and you still don't know where the clitoris is, or how to listen to a lover, then that is going to seem like a bad sign.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

But in reality you are the one who will be turning yourself into a guru.

I'm definitely down with that statement.

"Sex expert" has always been a dubious label (and "sexpert" a silly one) and this has become increasingly so. There is no longer any such thing as a sex expert, so we can all be our own sex experts.

We can easily find out all we need to know about the biology, technique and differing tastes that help us as lovers. We can easily find out all we need about safety. If we have a taste or preference that we would once have been lonely in, we can now find those who share them easily and techniques that work well with them quite easily also. We don't even have to travel far to learn once-obscure techniques like tantra or combining energy-work with sex.

We can find all the information that sex experts could give us. Asking here can be a good starting point, asking in S&S (once it's not really an "issue" any more, so not really on-topic here but there are things you'd like to discuss further) can help, but once you've begun to find out simple matters of technique it's like any other field of knowledge - once you've the basics understood you'll know how to find out more.

The one thing that the sex experts could never do for us is communicate with our lovers and experiment. We can handle all the things the sex experts used to be good for ourselves, and we can talk and experiment with our own lovers. We can be our own sex experts better than anyone could.

OP, be your own sex expert!

af_thefragile

IMO you shouldn't worry bout how its done. Just let it all flow...
If she loves you, she'll love the fact of being with you even if you're absolutely crap.

And if you do it with love, not bothering bout whether you're doing it right or wrong, it'll come out good anyway...

well, my ex loved me a lot so it was always good... even when i had zero experience...

Really, the girl will appreciate it more if you try to show her that you love her and you're doing it for her... rather than making it all just a sexual experience.

And if you're still not getting it.. just ask her how to do it... i really really doubt she'll freak out if you ask her that and more likely she'll show you how its done...

Its love!!! its not rocket science!!! duh!
I don't understand why people make it all seem so complicated. Its really simple and most of the times you dont even need make things happen. It'll all happen by itself, you should just carry on with the flow and the drive...

If she loves you, she'll feel good anyway. I really really doubt she'ld dump you if she finds out how inexperienced you are. In fact i think she'll find it sorta cute and like you more. She might also help you and guide you though how its done...


EDIT: And if you wanna learn bout the female anatomy, look it up on the internet.. there are loads of pics and descriptions to help you out.

K-9

Research the G-Spot and "come hither" as well. I find it! easier often to get a girl going.

If you strike lucky with it, she will think you're a sex guru:D

Then divert attention for a few minutes to other areas and go back again.

Repeat a few times and you're a sex God!;)

A little bit of connection does help.

democrates

One finger around am inch inside her, and press forward while jiggling. Sharp intakes of breath etc typical.

But are you trying to cover for virginity by providing services? No problem pleasing a woman, but what about yourself? Is your ego more important than your physiological needs? There's no future in living a lie.

K-9

democrates wrote:

One finger around am inch inside her, and press forward while jiggling. Sharp intakes of breath etc typical.

Sometimes 2 inches, but you know what us men are like about inches! Wouldn't we all like an extra inch or two!:D

democrates wrote:

But are you trying to cover for virginity by providing services? No problem pleasing a woman, but what about yourself? Is your ego more important than your physiological needs? There's no future in living a lie.

In a way the OP could be putting extra pressure on himself to perform, and that can lead to problems to.

LegacyUser

It's not love!! I'm just doing it for the fun and I enjoy it. The only reason I'm asking about this is not because I have a massive ego it's because making out with her is fun, I'm sure it'll be a lot more fun if I can bring it up to the next level. And it's a sacred area, I don't want to go rumaging around there like a bull in a china shop!

Thank you all for the further advice.

LegacyUser

democrates wrote:

One finger around am inch inside her, and press forward while jiggling. Sharp intakes of breath etc typical.

Yes and no.

Some women really aren't into g-spot stimulation, and it's also not the easiest thing to get right (a very frequent question from sexually inexperienced women with sexually inexperienced boyfriends is 'my boyfriend put his finger into my vagina and it just felt a bit uncomfortable, is there something wrong with me or is he just crap? WTF?').

So yes, what you're suggesting is a good idea for a while down the line, but it does also run a risk of going down like a lead balloon with a negative effect on both the mood and the OP's self-esteem. I'd leave it until some of the more reliable things have had some success. It's great to experiment and if he eventually gets that right then happy days, but with experimentation you have to be prepared for things not going right and from the way the OP is posting I'd be worried that that would hit his confidence a bit too much.

The advantage of clitoral stimulation is that as long as you don't have any finger sticking (easily fixed by licking it so it doesn't stick) or overly intense stimulation (easily fixed by moving slightly away from the clitoris itself towards the hood or the side of the clitoris) then even if it isn't perfect it'll likely be good. Also even easier if you use your mouth (I still stand by what I said on that matter [post=52297817]here[/post]).

sex-advice wrote:

It's not love!! I'm just doing it for the fun and I enjoy it.

I hope she sees things the same way, or bad times are coming.

sex-advice wrote:

And it's a sacred area,

It is sacred, but it's not St. Paul's Cathedral either. Lots of people agree that it's a sacred area but in very different ways. Is it sacred as in keeping a respectful hush, or is it sacred as in running around a bane-fire naked, or something else? Up to you to work out.

sex-advice wrote:

I don't want to go rumaging around there like a bull in a china shop!

You know, that approach has its good points too. Sometimes the bull in a china shop approach is just what you want. There's a lot to enjoy in just leading someone into the bedroom jumping on the bed and shagging like a jack-hammer. Even if it doesn't last long, and doesn't make her cum, and doesn't hit any other particular indicators of "good sex" it can still be pretty damn good for both of you. Just don't make that the end of the night - put something tasty but easy to cook in the oven, open a half-decent bottle of wine and recover your energy together over that and then take a slower approach when you head back into the bedroom.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply bork I found it extremely enjoyable and informative. I also really enjoyed the oral sex post you linked to, I think I will definitely follow your advice and give that a go. I'd imagen most men are clueless about that, so I think your advice should really set me out from the herd. I feel like my eyes have been really opened to a world of finger and oral sex and I just can't wait to give it a go!