I'm not mad, but........

Razormac37

I suppose most people who read this will think I'm off my rocker but I'm feeling really down at the moment.

I have a fantastic wife and 2 beautiful children and I love them all dearly.I have a well paid job, no big debts. I'm just really low all of the time.

Part of the issue is my job, it pays really well, I have loads of perks, I just hate it. But I'd be an absolute fool to leave it. It's having such an affect on me and my home life.

I'm a really fun happy guy but the past few months have been horrific for me. I can't seem to shift this gloom and doom and it's starting to impact on my family life too.

I suppose everybody will just tell me to cop on and move jobs, but I'm never going to have such an easy number and get so well paid.

Even looking back over what I've written doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want to get myself back on track

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated

Mena

Unfortunately I'm in no position to offer advice, I'm just in the same situation. HUGE salary, corner office, come and go as I please, perks up the wazoo, and I hate it. Getting up every morning is just getting harder and harder. I sometimes think I'm just full of sh*t and should get on with it... I'd be interested to read the replies to this.

hot fuss

You can't be truly happy and satisfied if you hate your job - simple as that.

Sure your happiness and quality of life is more important that good pay and benefits. You should really consider a change of career into something you enjoy doing. Believe me, it will make all the difference. Why resign yourself to a life of misery if you don't have to?

And, only YOU can change things.

~nop~

Could it be that you've reached as far as you feel you can go? Do you have any goals? Anything you're working towards? Anything you really want to achieve? If you don't maybe it's time to seriously rethink your life

Razormac37

Jaysus, thanks be to God there is someone else out there like me

I thought I was cracking up!!!

Hopefully we'll get something out of this

Razormac37

To be honest I'm not really a goal getter

I have a very simple work ethic, I get in do my job as well as I can and get out the door home.

If I could I'd just spend all my time at home, but being a realist, I have to work.

I don't like it but I do it

Razormac37

hot fuss wrote:

You can't be truly happy and satisfied if you hate your job - simple as that.

Sure your happiness and quality of life is more important that good pay and benefits. You should really consider a change of career into something you enjoy doing. Believe me, it will make all the difference. Why resign yourself to a life of misery if you don't have to?

And, only YOU can change things.

You're right I know, but I cannot justify walking away from what most people would consider to be a dream job.

I have broached the idea of moving away from Dublin down to the country or else moving abroad, but my worry is what if that doesn't do it and I still feel the same way

Sabre0001

Maybe you could look into taking a short career break and see if there is anything else out there that interests you...

Money isn't everything and if you are miserable at the moment then clearly you need to change something. It would be mad to quit especially with your personal circumstances but if you aren't happy in yourself it will affect others.

Hope you get out of this rut!

Mullah

I don't particularly like my job. Stress, abuse, worry, etc (I'm the boss of a small company).

But: the money is very, very good. To my mind, its a means to an end, not an end in itself. The job I don't like allows me to spend money on my family and things both they and I enjoy. Thats my focus.

I find that most people have a negative reaction to their work; its the human condition.

Razormac37

Sabre0001 wrote:

Maybe you could look into taking a short career break and see if there is anything else out there that interests you...

Money isn't everything and if you are miserable at the moment then clearly you need to change something. It would be mad to quit especially with your personal circumstances but if you aren't happy in yourself it will affect others.

Hope you get out of this rut!

You are absolutely right of course but as I said before I have to work as I'm not in a comfortable enough position to stop.

What kills me is I did have other jobs and while they weren't as well paid I was so much happier.

Ahhh the folly of youth and the lure of the money

Razormac37

Mullah wrote:

I don't particularly like my job. Stress, abuse, worry, etc (I'm the boss of a small company).

But: the money is very, very good. To my mind, its a means to an end, not an end in itself. The job I don't like allows me to spend money on my family and things both they and I enjoy. Thats my focus.

I find that most people have a negative reaction to their work; its the human condition.

I am aware enough to know that what I do keeps my family and myself very comfortable. We want for nothing.

What concerns me most is the level of negative reaction I am having. I almost am ill at the prospect of going to work and I really have to motivate myself to go

Sabre0001

Do you know what aspects of it you do not like? Is it possible to get a secondment to a different department?

Have you talked about this with your wife...It may not sound like much but it may help quite a lot - she does know you better than we do and may have more of an insight (plus women are always right...apparently )

Razormac37

Sabre0001 wrote:

Do you know what aspects of it you do not like? Is it possible to get a secondment to a different department?

Have you talked about this with your wife...It may not sound like much but it may help quite a lot - she does know you better than we do and may have more of an insight (plus women are always right...apparently )

Unfortunately, it's a small enough firm and I'm quite unique in my present role so I can't sway a move within the company.

As for talking with my wife, I do constantly talk to her and she is a worried about the whole thing and she has offered to bend over backwards (not in the biblical sense) to accomodate me. She is a very caring person and at this stage she is worried sick about me. My own ineffectiveness is frustrating me....hence me trying to get some feedback from this forum.

BTW thanks for the advice here

LegacyUser

'Sometimes for no reason at all people feel down even when things are going great- id advise you to go see the doctor it could be something fixed with antidepressants'

TheDriver

If u have an easy number thats well paid, great stuff! remember you work to live not live to work. And most jobs become hum drum after a while, just make the best you can of it.

Razormac37

TheDriver wrote:

If u have an easy number thats well paid, great stuff! remember you work to live not live to work. And most jobs become hum drum after a while, just make the best you can of it.

Yeah I appreciate what you're saying, my problem is that I have had jobs which are hum-drum and I'm fine with that, this has now gone to another extreme and it's starting to grind me down.

Please believe me I'm not a winger, I'm a decent hard working guy, I just have lost ability to work through this rut

Auldloon

Im in a similar situation work-wise so i have decided to try and get some more qualifications. This means a hell of a lot of study and exams and i dread the thought of them but i know i got to make some kind of a move.

hot fuss

Mullah wrote:

I find that most people have a negative reaction to their work; its the human condition.

I wouldn't agree with that. A lot of people like or even love their jobs. Surely if the majority of your time is spent doing something, then you should like what you're doing. I know you mightn't be able to like it all the time - everyone has bad days. But surely it's worth spending your life doing something you consider worthwhile.

OP I think the career break was a great suggestion - might give you time to re-assess things. And maybe the move away from Dublin would mean a better pace and standard of life for you. Why not try it?

Moss

I would say you should see a health professional and find out if you're suffereing from depression. From what you're saying I would think you are. Often when people get depressed they say they hate their jobs because they can't really take pleasure in anything, everything becomes such a trial and they just want to be free of it all. I'm sure there a plenty of people doing the exact same work as you, or even much more demeaning work, but are nonetheless quite content in themselves. If your mood is persistently low, and you can't break out of it then get some help.

The best evidence based treatment available is a combination of medication and Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy. If you don't want to take medication then just try the psychotherapy. Ask your GP for a referral or use the 'find a psychologist website' http://www.psihq.ie/find_psychologist.asp

aye

money isnt everything. you spend 5 days a week at your job. if you hate it, leave it. or even start making plans to leave it.
I work in a great job, well paid etc, but i cant see myself in this line of work in a few years, so i'm already taking steps toward working in something that i enjoy doing.
lots of people dont like their jobs, and because todays jobs are office based and seem to lack meeting people and movement, people dont like it. who wants to sit for 8 hours a day.
seriously look into how to get into something you enjoy.
why would you be mad to leave your job if it makes you feel depressed, and if you have no major debt than there is no reason why you couldnt take a salary hit to wake up in the morning not feeling like crap.

aye

even take a month off and do some travelling.
get some sun, and get work off your mind.

antoinolachtnai

Have you got a hobby, something you do in the evenings that you really enjoy?

If you are in a small company, maybe they could be flexible and give you a 4-day week for some of the year?

If you are continually stressed by the job, why don't the hire someone else? It isn't right that you have to carry the whole weight of the firm on your shoulders, if that is what is happening.

G&T

Sound's like my oh was.

We moved west a few years ago,
oh got the same job but his work life balance was better so he didn't
hate it as much.
He coaches under10 hurling on sat mornings
and play's 45 one night a week in the village.

We have a house on half an acre which he loves to potter around in.

You see alot more for your money outside Dublin
which make's you appreciate it more.

delop

You just need a little perspective,

do is a sailing trip, have a look at these guys http://www.reliance-yachts.com/

Sign up as crew, you dont have to be very experenced, just know how to tie a few knots
trips take 3 -4 weeks, and are not as dangerous as you might think, you are trapped on the boat, as you cant get off half way :-) you will start to relax after a few days and if the weather gets rough you will thank god you are alive..

Physical work is the cure for what ails the brain, works for me...

Razormac37

I can see the angle that everybody is taking here i.e make a switch and do something new, but the problem is I'm too scared to give up what I have and do this.

I feel so insecure, which is mad because I am a really strong character who really has no fear.

I guess that if I didn't have kids I would be stronger, but I can't justify jumping ship just to settle myself down. I need financial stability but I need balance too. I'm just getting more frustrated thinking about what I should do

antoinolachtnai

No, making a switch isn't necessarily the thing to do. You just have to find a way to be happy, maybe in your current job, maybe in a different one.

I'm sure you're right, it's a pretty good job and well done to you for getting it and having it.

Just work isn't the b-all and end-all of life. You are more than just your job.

LegacyUser

'

Razormac37 wrote:

What concerns me most is the level of negative reaction I am having. I almost am ill at the prospect of going to work and I really have to motivate myself to go

Look Razor, ya have to enjoy what you have instead of stockpiling loads of money. And what do you have?

Your health, 24 hours a day and your family. At the moment it sounds like a good bit of the day is torture, when you're actually at work, and then the mornings are filled with dread and the evenings with mental turmoil. Is that about right?

You have to put yourself first - and it probably means figuring out what it is that you hate about the job, how it makes you feel and what you want to be different. Then think about how you might use your health and those 8-10 hours a day to do something that you will really feel good about.

There are jobs out there that feel good - real good. I happen to know that 'cos I'm lucky enough to have one, but I don't want to go on about me (hence anonymous). I had to take a pay hit and thought about it for long enough until I was sure about my reasons, but that was a year ago and I'm delighted that I did. I'm happier, and more fulfilled. Only bad side effect, less money to spend and that's fine.

It's not beyond you to do the same - or even work towards the same. Maybe you could plan with your wife to trade down to a smaller house/mortgage and reduce the amount of money you need to earn. Once that pressure is off, you can figure out what you want to do - will it be volunteering one day a week in your community, or helping out a charity that you respect, or just coming home at 3pm every day so that you can hang out with the kids.

Just do it - don't let yourself be trapped by consumer culture into feeling like you have to buy things. Ask yourself the question - What would my kids respect more, me spending money on them or me spending time with them? You can't put time in the bank, choose wisely what you spend it on.

good luck my friend.'

ArthurDent

I can understand the worry about making any serious changes - especially when you don't have any clear picture in mind. If you have a volunteer programme in work - why don't you see if you can get involved - maybe mentoring someone in start up/ young entrepreneurs etc or you could volunteer for a charity that interests you - imo you always get at least as much outr of doing something like that as you put in. If you enjoy sport - why not volunteer to coach the local kids team


best of luck

Razormac37

its_worth_it wrote:

'

Look Razor, ya have to enjoy what you have instead of stockpiling loads of money. And what do you have?

Your health, 24 hours a day and your family. At the moment it sounds like a good bit of the day is torture, when you're actually at work, and then the mornings are filled with dread and the evenings with mental turmoil. Is that about right?

You have to put yourself first - and it probably means figuring out what it is that you hate about the job, how it makes you feel and what you want to be different. Then think about how you might use your health and those 8-10 hours a day to do something that you will really feel good about.

There are jobs out there that feel good - real good. I happen to know that 'cos I'm lucky enough to have one, but I don't want to go on about me (hence anonymous). I had to take a pay hit and thought about it for long enough until I was sure about my reasons, but that was a year ago and I'm delighted that I did. I'm happier, and more fulfilled. Only bad side effect, less money to spend and that's fine.

It's not beyond you to do the same - or even work towards the same. Maybe you could plan with your wife to trade down to a smaller house/mortgage and reduce the amount of money you need to earn. Once that pressure is off, you can figure out what you want to do - will it be volunteering one day a week in your community, or helping out a charity that you respect, or just coming home at 3pm every day so that you can hang out with the kids.

Just do it - don't let yourself be trapped by consumer culture into feeling like you have to buy things. Ask yourself the question - What would my kids respect more, me spending money on them or me spending time with them? You can't put time in the bank, choose wisely what you spend it on.

good luck my friend.'

I appreciate what you are saying, but my real problem is I'm not satisfied with what I do, but financially I can't leave it.

I'm annoyed with myself because I don't have the balls to do it, even thought I'm a very strong willed character.

And yes doing some voluntary work would make me feel good, but what puts the clothese on my children's back

Jaysus what is wrong with me

carnival_joe

why not work for a few nights at an out-reach center? or do something that gives something back. it might help to address the feeling of futility that you're experiencing. or work with the samaritans, or foster a kid who needs help? or help street-walkers, like donate clothes and stuff. or take a month and work with poor people in africa or somthing. the perspective will help you decide what to do, and it will prob help you're mental state, as you'll be contributing to society and helping those in need.

the depression you're feeling is pretty common, its a side-effect of our high-wages, high-cost, fast-living, keeping up with the jones style lifestyle. We supposedly go through these feelings a lot- but they are meant to be worst when:
a) important exams (like the LC)
b) mid-twenties
c) 40s/50s
feel better xx

edanto

damn it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you, just that you're trapped.

And you've got responsibilities that push money up the priority list, fair enough.

What kind of help would you like? Do you need some career guidance? Is there a way to earn the wage that you need, in a job that you like?

Hagar

Is it your job as a whole that's bugging you or is it a specific aspect of the job? If so can you address that one area in conjunction with your employer? Say switching that particular duty for another one?

I'm sure your employer does not want to see you rock his boat any more than you want to rock your own.

If there's a way to solve this without a life changing upheaval I'd take it, even it if less than perfect.

mike65

If you won't/can't leave the job, you need another focus point outside the job (and which not your family). How are you fixed for free time? With another centre of activity your 'obsession' (so to speak) with the negative impact of your day job will receed. Do you have any particular interests, or contact points at a social level who could offer something else. A bit of fullfilment in one area can really lift the gloom as a whole.

Mike.

Razormac37

Thanks everybody for pitching in with your ideas

Looking back over what you are suggesting I think that I need to step back from what I currently have and try to put myself and my family first.

An outlet would be a good idea, but I don't wnat to exclude my family, so I need to think about that one.

As for doing some form of social work, I work in a service department so the majority of my work is helping people out of stressful situations albeit I get paid well to do so. TBH I'm tired of helping people, I feel drained by the end of the day

I have to say even by throwing my situation out to the forum this has lifted a bit of pressure

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted

democrates

Your children want for nothing? What about a happy father? Can purchases replace that?

A happy bin-man can have happy children while a miserable CEO has miserable children. The needs of your kids are not measured in currency, get off that boat of sick delusion right now.

Edanto hit one nail, you're trapped, you are not free. A high income? F all use if you insist on high outgoings to match.

Wealth can also be measured in time. How long could you continue this lifestyle if your income stopped tomorrow? I'm guessing you're in serious trouble within a year. This means your family lifestyle is at risk if you left to try for another job or start your own business.

This high-spending lifestyle is the most vacuous, most unrewarding, most destructive, thing ever. Cut your outgoings and get some savings sorted, yes for a rainy day, but also for sunny days.

You've climbed the ladder or landed sweet, but the key is how you get a sense of self worth. It's no surprise that people in marketing are the number one group to take career breaks to travel the world. They know better than anyone the dross trotted out to fool the many into transacting for the benefit of a few, and few marketeers can be inspired by that.

If you feel like a sh1t it may be because your job is to be a sh1t. What you need is to find an enterprise that brings in enough (does anybody know what word that really means any more?) and that you believe in, and are therefore not just happy with, but totally buzzed about.

Then your kids will be truly happy, with you. No amount of purchases can replace what a happy father can give.

metrovelvet

The golden handcuffs? Boredom induced depression? Inertia?

frosty66

something u sed op re ur job just twiged something in my memory
a friend once told me how they were seeing a therapist and after every ten sessions the therapist did he got got a session for himself, as he felt it was so emotionally draining 2 be a therapist he needed a session for himself!
dont kno if this is a common practise for therapists!??

my point is u sound emotionally drained from ur job and are unable 2 give anymore!
u need time for urself 2 recharge ur batterys
money is very important 2 keep ur family afloat, however if ur condition spirals out of ur control ur family will be visitiin u in hosp!
this i kno from exp!

milkerman

I am glad not to be alone.
In Nov 06 I started a downward spiral. Life was getting to me bad. Nothing was right, work, wife, kids, not much to live for. I doubted everything I had ever done, stopped eating etc.
Went to my GP and explained the situation. In fairness to him he told me to call back later that evening before he closed up for the day. We ended up talking for about 90 minutes or so. He asked me lots of questions about EVERYTHING, Jayz nothing was sacred. He concluded that I did not suffer from clinical depression. He did conclude that there were issues in my life that I needed to address and pronto. He gave me a contact number for a counsellor. I then spent the worst Christmas of my life.
In January I had two meetings with a counsellor. He asked me loads of questions, work, wife, sex, money, again nothing was sacred. By the end of session two some issues relating to my wife had come to light, some issues with work, some issues with family - loads of issues. To cut it short, he taught me to ask myself questions. He suggested I right down my answers in a formal way and most importantly to recognise and accept some harsh realities. I continued to visit the counsellor but not so frequently in recent times.
I have resolved some of these issues (particularly with my wife) and I suppose I do feel better. Most importantly, I have begun to realise that some elements of my life will always make me unhappy but there is more to my life than the BS part of it.
I suggest you visit your GP, try counselling, it may help you.
All the best

Zillah

Razormac37 wrote:

I suppose everybody will just tell me to cop on and move jobs, but I'm never going to have such an easy number and get so well paid.

The only currency in life is happiness. Money can bring happiness, as can family, work, hobbies etc.

How the hell can a job that is ruining your life and making you miserable be an "easy number"? Seems like a horrendous price to pay.

And no, I didn't read the rest of the thread, so poo to you if I'm out of date.

Razormac37

Maybe, just maybe, I have been over dramatic

I have just spent a great weekend with my family and I feel much more like myself.

I guess when I started this thread, I had just spent a few weeks at a low level and a few days with my family lifted me.

I do place my family first at all times and my work allows me the flexibility to be home early to be with them. I have just been unfortunate that the weather doesn't really lend itself to getting out and about with them.

I don't feel out of the woods yet though and I will take a step back and see if I can re-address what specifically in work I need to sort out.

I guess the next week will determine my true feelings about my job and if required I will take the next step.

All of your words of encouragement have been of great benefit and I want to thank you all.

I suppose I was expecting a backlash, but peoples comments have been very considerate

Thanks

antoinolachtnai

Take your time, don't rush into anything. Maybe consider seeing a career counsellor or something like that.

Razormac37

I'm gonna hold fast on making any rash decisions

I'm going to take everybody's advice on board and have a look at alternative careers whilst I trying to get my head together in my current job.

If I can't get myself together in my current job, at least I will have explored a few different options and have myself prepared to jump.

Thanks again everybody!

Skip Work!

Not being smart but it seems to me there's only one solution - get out of your current job and go do something you like. There's NO point putting yourself through that misery. . it'll just lead to badness, for yourself and your family.

And you seem to have the support of your wife. . . take the plunge. . .I'm sure you'll be glad in 5 years that you did.

Best of luck

The Sweeper

Razormac, it's good to see you lifting yourself a bit since the start of the thread.

I used to work opposite a girl who did a very similar job to mine, but she had been with the company five or six years as against my five or six months. She got paid nearly twice what I got paid. She hated her job. Detested it. She cried every sunday night and sniffled her way into work in her car. And she whinged. She whinged at me every day, all day, start to finish. She didn't know what she wanted to do, in anything at all. She was indecisive and demanding - wanting everything, but not doing anything to get it.

I left that job vowing never to work for anyone else again, because 16 months (as it was at the end) of sitting opposite someone who gets paid far more than you to do a similar job and then tells you how horrible their life is daily - but then says they can't change things because they get paid too well - it's soul destroying.

She skied a week every year, spent two weeks in Asia or India every year, took another week to do something local as a holiday with all her friends and the final week of leave was split around long weekends. She never took time off at Christmas, and used to put on the poor mouth of "ah me, I have to come in on the 27th and 28th while you're all off".

Eventually she did some life coaching and some counselling to start addressing her issues, and it certainly helped - but her job and how it made her feel took her very, very far down in herself. You need to do something to get yourself out of your rut now, before it gets worse.

Razormac37

Well I've been back at work for 2 days and the same feeling of dread has hit me again

I am taking a week off next week and heading down the country with my family. I'm going to sit down with my wife and discuss this further, but I think ultimately I need to get out of this job.

I'm not under strain financially so I can afford to take the drop in wages and throttle my lifestyle back to suit.

Anybody know where I can get a good job???

Marksie

It is so common these day that the workplace has that affect.

I heard a very good statement recently that we are working for a living and not working to live.

My suggestion is for you to have that chat with your wife, take a pen and paper and work out your financial committments and a little bit extra for rainy days :-)
make it realistic and that will give you an idea of how much you need to actually enjoy a life on, not juts an existence.

Also, drawing plans like this have another positive benefit: Instead of seeing yourself in the job for the foreseable future, you are seeing yourself in the job until you are ready to go. It is a subtle change in outlook and a positive one.
Again, I am looking for a personal perspective in this as where i am currently employed we have had a spate of retirements due to ill health and people off due to stress... all due to the working conditions. I personally made a three point plan and stuck to it. Point one (mortgage paid) has just been reached. Points two (setting up business) and three (*some*savings) are developing nicely. In setting goals like this, challenging and achievable, other things fall into place: you are building self esteem all the time. Encouraging your own persoinal development and realising that its not a career, but there to provide for your life. You are also beginning to step outside of the endless merry go round.

Family roles are more fluid, though some view "house husband" with disdain, many would see a flexible family approach as a great way of binding the family unit more strongly. Don't be scared to take that approach if necessary.

At the least you get more time with your kids and both you and your partner can really plan to do things you want to do and that inculdes the both of you, don't just detail what you want to do, but ask your wife what she wants, she may relish the chance, with shared responsibilities, to go for something new.

Best of luck, i belive you are joining a growing multitude of people who are getting heartily sick of the current situation

Edit: I juts saw your comment about being mad to leave the job. I was told that about mine. My answer was short and to the point: I will be mad if i stay in it.

Razormac37

Marksie wrote:

It is so common these day that the workplace has that affect.

I heard a very good statement recently that we are working for a living and not working to live.

Also, drawing plans like this have another positive benefit: Instead of seeing yourself in the job for the foreseable future, you are seeing yourself in the job until you are ready to go. It is a subtle change in outlook and a positive one.

Family roles are more fluid, though some view "house husband" with disdain, many would see a flexible family approach as a great way of binding the family unit more strongly. Don't be scared to take that approach if necessary.

At the least you get more time with your kids and both you and your partner can really plan to do things you want to do and that inculdes the both of you, don't just detail what you want to do, but ask your wife what she wants, she may relish the chance, with shared responsibilities, to go for something new.

Best of luck, i belive you are joining a growing multitude of people who are getting heartily sick of the current situation

Edit: I juts saw your comment about being mad to leave the job. I was told that about mine. My answer was short and to the point: I will be mad if i stay in it.

TBH Marksie, I don't feel I'm in the right frame of mind at the moment to be thinking so far ahead.

I know what I want from my life and it was never the money, it was to be happy with my wife and family.

We have spoken about emigrating to Australia, I have family and friends there but my wife doesn't want to and I fully appreciate her wishes. So instead we have been talking about moving down the country to an area we are very familiar with and would feel very happy to live and that might be a solution.

In any case, I have realised that my current situation is wrong and we are going to do something about it

Marksie

RazorMac37: Thats OK, I can fully understand that. But in beginning to make plans your frame of mind will improve. So small steps for now.

Best of luck

Sabre0001

Hey,
Hadn't seen this thread for a while so was updating myself - was delighted to hear that you felt like yourself again but pity about the slump...

It's good that you are thinking about something different! Might pay off but you never know unless you try - at this stage you have built up the experience you require so you should be fine!!!

Also, if you want to do stuff with your family it doesn't always have to be dependent on the weather - movies (dvd's), game nights, activitys that the weather doesn't matter / you don't register it after a while...


Really hope it all goes better for you! Good luck!!!