A little lost

LegacyUser

Hi. I spent about an hour debating wheter to post this or not, but I've eventually talked my way around to it because I need to air this in some form another. It's about a girl, and I'm pretty sure there's plenty of people who've been in a simillar situation so I was hoping one or two of you would offer a little advice.

I'll try my best to avoid writing a 2000 word essay...Basically, I went out with this girl for over a year and it was my first 'proper' relationship. I was with people before, and I loved people before, but I was never in something like this. I ended up being terrified of the whole commitment thing, but I never said it to her and started just being really....idiotic about our relationship.

Eventually, things kind of snowballed, and she broke up with me. She still loved me, but she said she just needed some space. I was pretty devestated, and incredibly angry with myself. I realised pretty quickly that I'd lost something amazing because I had it and I was terrified about what would happen with it.

So, I didn't talk to her/see her for a while and then one month and a bit later she gets in contact with me. I spent a while thinking about wheter I should reply or not, because I still absolutley loved her, but was terrified of going through a break up again. Eventually, I replied and we started talking again. Things were a little rough at first, I did a lot of explaining, and there was a lot of emotions flying about. After a while we started meeting up again, and things went pretty well, at least as far as I could see. She still loved me, and I still absolutley adored her. I spent most of my time thinking up ways that I could be a proper boyfriend, how I could show her how much I loved her and how we could just generally be really happy together.

And then...we talk, and tells me that she's not sure she can do it. Cutting a long phonecall short, she tells me she loves me but she just can't even see/talk to me now. She said she'll be in touch, but I have no idea when, or in what way.

I'm just feeling lost now. I hate the end of the day, cause I end up lying in bed feeling like I want to cry. But I can't, which is even worse. I feel like I want to burst sometimes, but I just can't seem to. I've been staying awake till 5,6,7 in the morning just to make myself so tired that eventually I have to go to sleep. I have ciggarettes in my mouth constantly. I'm about as entertaining to be around as a wet blanket. I don't eat. I've discovered a can of beer in my hand every odd night. Granted, I'm not drinking a six pack a night, but its not a habit I want to have. I can't go out because I'm _utterly_ terrified I might see her with someone else. Its bad enough at the moment without having to face something like that. I dunno what I'd be like if that happened, and I really don't want to think about it.

murph...I'm just feeling so utterly pathetic. I love this girl, and I know she loves me, and I might be the stupidest person ever, but I am totally willing to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait until I get some kind of sign but the thing thats plaguing me is what if she never does.

Otherwise, my life has never been so good. My college life is perfect, I'm completly on course for doing what I want to do when I leave. I have good friends, my family life is perfect, and I've never been more comfortible with myself. And yet...heres this one thing, that I've come to realise is more important then all those things, and I'm completly lost as to what to do. Should I just wait, and wait, and wait, and suffer, and suffer, until I hear from her? Should I get in contact with her? If I do hear from her again, should I tell her that I miss her, and I love her, and risk scaring her away again? Or should I just act normal?

finbarrk

Sounds like you need to meet another woman, try 'make friends online' or one of those sites. It will do you the world of good.

~nop~

She's probably terrified of going through a break up again too. I think you need to give this one last shot and let her know you'll be there for, and if that doesn't work it's moving on time.

You do need to force yourself to get out though, regardless. Meet up with mates, anything to get this off your mind, it could help you get everything into perspective, and nothings more unattractive than a desperate man either way.

MojoMaker

She is with someone else now, either part-time or fulltime. People don't suddenly find themselves in a position of "not being able to talk to you anymore" without usually having a damn good reason - and a new bloke edging onto the scene is quite a common reason.

NovemberStar

If you loved her so much , then why the fear of commitment?
I`ve just broken up with my own boyfriend of over a year for much the same reason (well that and a lot of others).

I`d be grateful if you could explain this fear to me . Im not being smart-I would like to understand what goes through guys heads?
You had her, weren`t sure if you wanted her, and now that she`s gone you want her back??

~nop~

NovemberStar wrote:

If you loved her so much , then why the fear of commitment?
I`ve just broken up with my own boyfriend of over a year for much the same reason (well that and a lot of others).

I`d be grateful if you could explain this fear to me . Im not being smart-I would like to understand what goes through guys heads?
You had her, weren`t sure if you wanted her, and now that she`s gone you want her back??

Hey. Personally I'm a girl, and I get the fear of commitment thing too. It's not about how much you love them or love being with them, but I just can feel completely claustrophobic when I'm going out with someone. I'm a pretty independent person, and I just can start to panic.


To the OP - I'd say cutting contact with you is her defence against not being hurt anymore. You're going to have to just lay your cards on the table with regards to her, and then get ready to move on if she won't change her mind.

Beetlebum

Aaaaawwwwwww...I really f*cking feel for you!!!

That's an awful situation to be in. You can't quite move on because there's still a chance of reconciliation but you can't get your hopes up either in case she decides she doesn't want you anymore. All you can really do is try to stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself. Analyis the reasons why you broke up with her in the first place and be 100% sure that you want her back. I know right now you feel like she's all that you've ever wanted but it could be a case of wanting what you can't have.
Be strong, keep busy, don't contact her. Good luck.

Oryx

Something about the way your post sounded made me wonder if you come on a bit heavy. If you do, maybe she finds it a bit much, and is pulling away for that reason?

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies

MojoMaker wrote:

She is with someone else now, either part-time or fulltime.

You knew exactly what I wanted to hear didn't you
Its crossed my mind, but I don't think its the case. She's the kind of person that doesn't mess around when it comes to serious issues, and if it was about someone else, I'm pretty sure she would have just said it to me.

NovemberStar wrote:

I`d be grateful if you could explain this fear to me . Im not being smart-I would like to understand what goes through guys heads?
You had her, weren`t sure if you wanted her, and now that she`s gone you want her back??

I'll try. I never didn't want her. I always did, and I think it was never about her. And it wasn't that I felt claustrophobic either. As I said, I'd never been in a relationship like this before. After a while it occured to me that this was something that could last, where as every other relationship I've had has never had an air of...um...persistency (thats a terrible word to use to describe a loving relationship....) around them.

I was suddenly quite scared about the relationship. I was scared that I'd make this decision that this was it, this was a proper, full blown relationship that could last. What scared me about that was what if it wasn't the right decision. I think some of it has to do with what happened with my parents. They got together young and ended up very badly. My dad won't give the time of day to women anymore, and hes said more then once that he wasted his youth. I think I was scared of that happening to me because I saw what it did to him, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The rest of it has to do with me being an idiot. It wasn't like I felt scared of the relationship all the time. It was more like a little voice in the back of my head. I really should have just said it to her, but instead I kind of repressed and ignored it. Instead of it being dealt with, it just ended up exploding in my face.

Beetlebum wrote:

Analyis the reasons why you broke up with her in the first place and be 100% sure that you want her back.

I have I spent a long time thinking about everything that happened between us, how I had acted and why I'd acted like that. The thing that hurt most after we broke up was how I'd been acting towards her. This is a girl that I'm completely in love with, and I'd *actually* hurt her. I've never been so disgusted in myself. When we got back in contact I spent a long time thinking about wheter it was worth putting myself, and her, in the position where we could end up like this. In the end, it took being 100% sure that being with her again wasn't about making up for mistakes, or having something that I couldn't have, or trying to make up for hurting her. If I hadn't been a 100% sure, I would not have put myself in the position where I could end up like this, and even though I have ended up feeling miserable I still think, in a kind of sado-masochistic way, that it was worth trying anyway. If I had to make the choice again, I'd make the same one.

KtK wrote:

Something about the way your post sounded made me wonder if you come on a bit heavy. If you do, maybe she finds it a bit much, and is pulling away for that reason?

Quite possibly I'm not like... a psycho-ex, stalking her and pledging my eternal, undying love to her at any chance I get but maybe I did come on a bit strong and frightened her.

Thanks for all the replies. I was a little hesitant about posting this, but its helped a little to get this out in the open and hear other peoples views. I'm still not sure what to do. I'm scared that if I got in contact with her, and told her how I'm feeling it'd just be pressuring her into something she wasn't ready to do.'