Set best mate up with ex - and now im in tears

LegacyUser

I feel like i have dug myself a MAJOR hole- and i just wanna jump into it.

I was with my ex for a year-However he lived away from me and my friends never saw him - i went to see him and him to see me and visa versa. Needless to say it didnt work out- though we stayed friends and ill be honest theres still something there between us.

Anyway he asked me to set him up with someone recently and at the same time my best friend asked me the same thing. So i figured why not. So i set them up. They have only been texting and talking a few days but have seen each others pics and fancy each other.

About an hour ago he asked could they meet up tonight- She asked me to come over and do her hair and stuff etc. So he arrived at her door to pick her up and my heart dropped to my shoes. Thay have gone off for dinner and i have not stopped crying since they left. I dont know what to do, I feel so ****ing selfish

Oryx

You dont sound selfish. You set them up, got them together, hell, you even did her hair! Your the friend in a million!

But youre having to let go of any chance of something with that guy, which is hard if like you say, you still have feelings for him. The reasons why it didnt work out for you are still valid, but at times like this your heart simply doesnt care.

Theres not much you can do, except lick your wounds, be happy for your friends. And eat lots of chocolate.

I wish I had friends like you.

Ickle Magoo

I second KtK. You knew your ex wanted a date & so did your friend so you obligingly pushed them together & proceeded to glam your friend up for her date into the bargain?! You are a very special person & you have every right to grieve for the relationship you wanted to have with him...have a sob, have some chocolate, call your mates & go out & have some fun. Well done for being such a good friend & ex!

Wibbs

KtK wrote:

You dont sound selfish. You set them up, got them together, hell, you even did her hair! Your the friend in a million!

Agreed that's one of the most unselfish acts I've heard in a while. Major kudos.

If I'm truthful OP I would not have done that if I still felt something and I wouldn't consider myself selfish at all. I would have gone "are you mad" and again being honest, it was the first thing that jumped into my head when I read your post. That "and what did she expect", but sod all of that, my initial response was totally arseways. You did a very kind thing for two people you care about without thinking of the consequences for yourself. You didn't expect anything as you were thinking of them, even down to doing her hair. Jesus, I'm impressed. You're a rare one. Be proud of you while you're stuffing into the chocies. You've renewed my faith in humanity for today that's for sure. If karma exists you're in for a biggie out of this one. Brad pitt and George Clooney fightin over you with a euromillions jackpot thrown in for good measure at the very least.

But youre having to let go of any chance of something with that guy, which is hard if like you say, you still have feelings for him. The reasons why it didnt work out for you are still valid, but at times like this your heart simply doesnt care.

Theres not much you can do, except lick your wounds, be happy for your friends. And eat lots of chocolate.

Good advice.

downyfluff

If it's any consolation they're probably having sex right now!!

Nevyn

downyfluff unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum
read the rules in the charter and abide by them while posting.

Thaedydal

Puddleduck

INTEARS wrote:

I feel like i have dug myself a MAJOR hole- and i just wanna jump into it.

I was with my ex for a year-However he lived away from me and my friends never saw him - i went to see him and him to see me and visa versa. Needless to say it didnt work out- though we stayed friends and ill be honest theres still something there between us.

Anyway he asked me to set him up with someone recently and at the same time my best friend asked me the same thing. So i figured why not. So i set them up. They have only been texting and talking a few days but have seen each others pics and fancy each other.

About an hour ago he asked could they meet up tonight- She asked me to come over and do her hair and stuff etc. So he arrived at her door to pick her up and my heart dropped to my shoes. Thay have gone off for dinner and i have not stopped crying since they left. I dont know what to do, I feel so ****ing selfish

I feel really sorry for you, dealing with a breakup is hard and yes you probably havent taken the wisest route but we all make mistakes, I think maybe you should just fess up and say that its a bit hard to see the two of them together given that youve history with your ex, and try distance yourself a little till you feel a bit more able to cope

~nop~

Hey, you are a good person, and the tears don't mean that you still want him, I'd say you're just mourning for what could have been.

Chicken you're one friend in a million and they're both very lucky to have you in their lives.

challengemaster

~nop~ wrote:

Hey, you are a good person, and the tears don't mean that you still want him, I'd say you're just mourning for what could have been.

Chicken you're one friend in a million and they're both very lucky to have you in their lives.

quoted for truth. what you did was admirable. fair play.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

Agreed that's one of the most unselfish acts I've heard in a while. Major kudos.

If I'm truthful OP I would not have done that if I still felt something and I wouldn't consider myself selfish at all. I would have gone "are you mad" and again being honest, it was the first thing that jumped into my head when I read your post.

Honestly i think i set them up to prove to me that he ment nothing to me- But its backfired

Wibbs wrote:

Brad pitt and George Clooney fightin over you with a euromillions jackpot thrown in for good measure at the very least.

I wish!

omb0wyn5ehpij9

~nop~ wrote:

Hey, you are a good person, and the tears don't mean that you still want him, I'd say you're just mourning for what could have been.

Chicken you're one friend in a million and they're both very lucky to have you in their lives.

Agreed with what was said above! It is bound to be strange, but in a very short space of time you will feel better, a lot better. And do as the others said, eat chocalate

Bottle_of_Smoke

At least you know in future to avoid doing something like this.

Honestly i think i set them up to prove to me that he ment nothing to me- But its backfired

Don't get why people need to prove things to themselves. Did you perhaps want to make him think you were over him in the hopes it might get him to say "well actually I like you more"?

I'm trying my best to think of something to split them up but all I can think of is "she has herpes". Which probably isn't true.

If you tell them you're uncomfortable with the situation it will probably make them more desirable to each other.

One immoral(yet completely legal) plan would be to wait 10 days, get him over to yours & sleep with him. This has to be done properly, if he rejects you you'll feel twice as bad & they'll have something that will bring them closer together... And if it works your friend won't be pleased.

LegacyUser

'

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Don't get why people need to prove things to themselves. Did you perhaps want to make him think you were over him in the hopes it might get him to say "well actually I like you more"?

I thought i felt nothing for him- I guess i was showing him and the world that he didnt matter to me, I guess i felt i musnt care if id push him into another womans arms

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

I'm trying my best to think of something to split them up but all I can think of is "she has herpes". Which probably isn't true

I dont want to split them up-she came back tonight so happy, so ill be happy for her

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

If you tell them you're uncomfortable with the situation it will probably make them more desirable to each other.

He knows im uncomfortable i was chatting to him on the phone after the date he told me if i feel weird hed stop seeing her but i told him its ok- these are just feelings there gonna go away

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

One immoral(yet completely legal) plan would be to wait 10 days, get him over to yours & sleep with him. This has to be done properly, if he rejects you you'll feel twice as bad & they'll have something that will bring them closer together... And if it works your friend won't be pleased.

I would never do that to them'

Wibbs

INTEARS wrote:

Honestly i think i set them up to prove to me that he ment nothing to me- But its backfired

OK now my original response of "are you mad" may have some validity. Actually it doesn't. It happened, you screwed up, but you did a nice thing even so. Treat it like that and move on from that point and you'll be fine. You never know what the future brings anyway.

I wish!

I'll see what I can arrange. Now it'll probably be Billy Pitt and Paddy Clooney from the local GAA club, but there'll be a couple of fivers thrown in.:D

CathyMoran

You did something admirable and should be commended. I did something similar 11 years ago and they ended up getting married. Karma will pay you back by getting you the man of your dreams.

ShowUsYourXbox

Hi intears, wanna go out for dinner?

Gemini Sister

I reckon you need to chill the head.

This is hard but there's a few things to think of - first of, most dates don't go very far - I'm pretty sure the average relationship lasts about three weeks. Secondly, your ex probably has the highest opinion of you in the entire universe so its not impossible he'll be back somewhere down the line.
Thirdly - and this is a big one - its the age old problem isn't it? You didn't want him that much when he was available - now that you see someone else values him highly you really really want him. I'm not saying that makes any of your feelings less real but you gotta put it in perspective.

I think the poster who said to fess up & say you're a teeny bit uncomfortable is bang on. Step back from the pair of them. And whatever you do, do not become your mates confidante for all the little ups & downs of their relationship, as thats torture.

And please be a bit more careful of your own feelings in future. Sometimes we think we're stronger than we are.
For now just get on with things and hopefully you'll find someone new to focus on soon xx

Blackpitts

hey INTEARS
few years ago I saw my best friend going out with my ex and it was hard to see them together although i felt nothing for her anymore. I didn't set them up, but he asked for my "permission" before to ask her out so in some way I felt like you and I thought i made the wrong decision. But after few days I was OK again and it didn't bother me.
Therefore i think you did a great thing for your ex and your friend, i'm sure u will move on soon and u'll be happy for them properly.
one question, if he comes to u now to tell that he has still feeling for you, do you think it can still work out? I'd say "no, it can't" otherwise it would have already happened... don't u think?

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

I'll see what I can arrange. Now it'll probably be Billy Pitt and Paddy Clooney from the local GAA club, but there'll be a couple of fivers thrown in.:D

aw thanks- it will do i think '

LegacyUser

'

ShowUsYourXbox wrote:

Hi intears, wanna go out for dinner?

sure '

LegacyUser

'

Gemini Sister wrote:

most dates don't go very far - I'm pretty sure the average relationship lasts about three weeks.

yes but these two really like each other

Gemini Sister wrote:

secondly, your ex probably has the highest opinion of you in the entire universe so its not impossible he'll be back somewhere down the line.

he did say hed back off cos he knew itd affect our friendship- but i know he really likes her he wont shut up about her

Gemini Sister wrote:

You didn't want him that much when he was available - now that you see someone else values him highly you really really want him.

I think you,ve hit the nail on the head there'

Victor

INTEARS wrote:

'

ShowUsYourXbox wrote:

Hi intears, wanna go out for dinner?

sure '

Get a room.

Pub07

See if they're up for a threesome. I can pretty much gaurantee the dude will be fine with it so you only have to convince the friend.

Chinafoot

That's a horrible situation OP but I reckon a previous poster is right in that you may only want him now because you can't have him.

However, one thing you should be really sure of is that there are no feelings for you on his side. You said in your first post that "theres still something there between us." Now is that just on your part or does he still have feelings for you?

Not really a nice position to put your friend in if it's the latter.

Frankiestylee

Ah it's all rock n roll... both of them must think you're an absolute legend. Your friend is happy and good friends are generally worth more then boyfriends or exs, so be happy for her. Nothing is more destructive in this situation then being overly jealous or worst of all getting competitive. Once you start comparing the two relationships you'll start seeing your friend as your competitior and that'll eat away inside you.

Can I suggest you ask your now happy friend to perform a similar match making service for you if needs be? Not the exact "here's an ex" situation, but if she knows some excellent bloke then maybe she can put in a good word... and due to the current situation I reckon that good word will be completely sincere.

People often look back at all the good parts of past relationships and wonder why they ever broke up, but ye obviously broke up for a reason... just remember what it was and you should find it easier to let the two of them get on with what they're doing.

Oh and as someone already said... it's easy to have a great first date, but whether or not that turns into a relationship is a completely differant thing.

af_thefragile

Hey intears...
I can sorta feel what you feel. My ex started going out with this other dude right after our break up. It felt horrible. They're still together. Out of alll the things i've tried what helped me the most was getting away from my ex. No calls, no messages, nothing. Just moving away and trying to start over a new life.

It was one of the toughest decision i had made n life hasn't been very easy since then. I've moved on a fair bit and carying fine with my new life but its been though. I miss her a lot. I even still love her quite a lot. But i dont want back cuz i know we can never be the same again. Its quite a tough thing to get over but it has to be done. Thats life...

Well, i dont know the point of all of this.. But yeah just trying to tell you... thats life. **** happenes... Sometimes you find yourself completely helpless and in despair... All you can do is silently suck it up and move on with what we call life! And hope things WILL get better someday soon...

Marksie

Pub07: This is the second time you have given off topic unhelpful advice in different threads.

Please read the charter.

dlofnep

You're a really nice person and it was a nice thing to put your friend before yourself. You're far from selfish and come across as a genuinely nice person. Perhaps this guy isn't for you. I'm sure there are 1000 other's out there to take his place. I know it's hard seeing your friend with someone you really like, but you'll get over it in time. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Jack B. Badd

I don't think what you did was selfish at all...but I also don't think it was the smartest move.

INTEARS wrote:

Anyway he asked me to set him up with someone recently

Your ex's request that you set him up with someone does sound somewhat selfish (or at the very least highly insensitive). Personally I'd never ask an ex to set me up romantically with someone, it's unlikely with an ex that the relationship is going to be totally platonic so it's a bit of a cruel situation to put them in. And if I was faced with that question from an ex of mine I'd just say no. Perhaps that's what you should have done.

So while your actions (and you motives too from what I can make out) aren't particularly selfish, you will have to deal with the consequences of them.

LegacyUser

'

Chinafoot wrote:

Now is that just on your part or does he still have feelings for you?

Not really a nice position to put your friend in if it's the latter.

he does still like me he told me a few weeks ago but i dismissed it as he had a few drinks in him'

SarahSassy

Sounds to me like he is trying to make you jealous.....

Are they still seeing each other?

Froot

INTEARS wrote:

...

He is a bit tosser for asking you to set him up.

You are stupid for doing it.

Lesson learned. Move on.

LegacyUser

he called me and asked me could he see me in person to talk

we met at my flat- he told me he only asked me 2 set him up cos he thought its make me reliase how i felt bout him-he said he still loved me and he felt nothing for my friend

Then he knelt down and held out a ring and asked me to marry him........

and i punched him........

I punched him right in the face....... and i screamed at him that he was a prick and that he was going to hurt my best friend etc

He has been gone an hour and i have not stopped crying- The man i love just asked me to be his wife and asked me to spend my life with him and i hit him.....

why am i such a bitch

justsomebloke

lol, ah man that is funny.

seriously what where you thinking

lazygit

maybe your best friend was in on it.. and they were both trying to wake you up to your feelings?

Star Lord

Fair play to you!!!

He's messing both you and your friend around, and you taught him a lesson.

SarahSassy

Yeah right - I am watching eastenders now and thats more believeable....