Girlfriend wants us to take a "break"

ponderer

So without going into too much details.....

Girlfriend works in foreign country so don't see her much. She says she loves me but it's too hard and wants us to take a "break", and her way of thinking is that we will be on a "break" when we are in a different country and bf and gf when we are in the same country.....


What should I be thinking?? Why does she want this?? Can someone help please I'm so upset!

py2006

Usually when people want to go on a break its a kiss of death for a relationship! Usually its because they want to see other people but still keep you dangling on a string so they can go back to you if nothing else works out!

I would end it if I were you!

aequinoctium

does "break" mean no contact at all except for when you are arranging to meet up?

Vegeta

I agree 100% with py2006 she wants to see other people in foreign country but not have the guilt of a full break up with you.

For your own sanity ask her straight out does she want to try and make your relationship work or not?

Vyse

There's no easy answer to this. My girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break about a year ago, no reason given, so we did (much to my disgust). We got back together a couple of weeks later and then I broke it off 2 months later. We're still together now;)

Most people here will tell you that it is game over but without knowing what is going through your gf's head nobody can know for sure (I doubt she even does).

ponderer

Thanks for the responses but if she loves me then why would she want a break?? At the moment all we do is chat online as it is all we can do given the distance.....so while we are on a break we will still be chatting online....mind you these days she is on it less and less.......any easy way of finding out if she wants to be with someone else without making me sound like im suspicious if you know what I mean?

Skitbra

Was going out with a girl for 5 years. She wanted a break. I gave it to her. She was going out with someone else about 3 weeks later. She had him lined up before she wanted a break from me. From my experience, which might be different from you, she wanted to break up with me. Sorry.

ponderer

Thanks for that I really hope she isn't trying to break up with me. I would be gutted if she is with someone else.....Guess I'll just have to ask her out straight....we both decided to wait a day and think about "taking a break" and she hasn't been online since.....2 days ago at this stage!!

SarahSassy

TBH, it doesnt sound great. It sounds like she wants to finish and 'taking a break' is the nice way to say it...

At the end of the day, if she wants to finish with you, it doesnt matter whether or not she is going to be with someone else - she is already gone from you.

Wibbs

Vyse wrote:

There's no easy answer to this. My girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break about a year ago, no reason given, so we did (much to my disgust).

No reason? Jeez, I would not be happy with that. If someone that claimed to love me and had a modicum of emotional intelligence, told me that, it would be major and I mean major eyebrow lifting on my part. You're a more patient man than me I'll give you that.

We got back together a couple of weeks later and then I broke it off 2 months later. We're still together now;)

I suspect you making a stand had something to do with the reconcilliation.

Most people here will tell you that it is game over but without knowing what is going through your gf's head nobody can know for sure (I doubt she even does).

True and the OP has the whole long distance stuff as an added bonus, but if she doesn't know what's going on in her own head(BTW how the hell is that even possible FFS? ) then give her the space she asks for.

ponderer wrote:

if she loves me then why would she want a break??

Your situation is a little different with the distance. Because of that she simply may want to reassess her relationship with you. Usually it's because she may have met someone else or is becoming open to that possibility at least. Sorry to say that, but a lot of people, especially women won't jump ship until another ship is in play. Very common. Stuff like this rarely comes out of the blue. Only people of strong enough character to be by themselves yet thinking logically about the distance and how it may be holding both of you back would do this out of the blue. They're rare as hens teeth.

If you were in the same country I'd say 99 times out of 100 she's dumping you. Pure and simple. When someone says they need a break they're in essence saying they're breaking up with you. Now Vyse has pulled back from that, but I would almost guarantee that his breaking up with her skewed it in his favour. Basically he gave her what she asked for. She saw the grass wasn't greener and ran back as she obviously missed him. I also pretty much guarantee if he had begged and pleaded with her to come back he wouldn't be with her now.

At the moment all we do is chat online as it is all we can do given the distance.....so while we are on a break we will still be chatting online....

OK

mind you these days she is on it less and less.

Could be for any number of reasons, but while this is going on your in limbo land. Not a good place. She's in the driving seat here. You need to get some leverage for yourself back.

any easy way of finding out if she wants to be with someone else without making me sound like im suspicious if you know what I mean?

Short of asking her and risking sounding needy, the answer is no. Forget that. What answer do you want to hear? She has met someone or she'll lie to save hurting you. Neither good options of you think about it.

My advice? take a deep breath and give her the break and the space she wants. It may sound counterproductive as you're trying to "fight" for the relationship. Rarely works. It's too easy to screw up unless you're very careful and the distance makes it all the more likely you will. If you tell her that yes you agree that you shouldn't be "official" when you're apart, but keep in contact and see what the future brings, a couple of things may happen. One, she gets cold feet over dropping you in the longterm. Two she goes away and sows her wild oats and then comes back to you. Three, she sows her wild oats and never comes back to you. Either way you'll be free to broaden your horizons too. I'm not saying you'll want to at the moment, but you must give her that impression. If you don't you're at best safety net guy. I had a mate who was seeing a woman for 4 years. She gets a job in the states. Everything went well for a while with the old skyping and MSN. "Out of the blue" she says and does similar to your girlfriend. he gets all hollywood romantic and surprises her by showing up at her door. Surprises all round, she was shacked up with someone. Ouch! Now I'm not suggesting this is the same, but these things do happen. On the other hand I know someone else they stayed together even though they were apart for four years. they only saw each other face to face 5 or 6 times in that period. they're still together. They were both in their early 20's at the time too so people can stay together if the love is there.

As a matter of interest, how old are the pair of you and how long were you together? That has some bearing on it. Did she ask you to come with her? Has she invited you over for a holiday?

Skitbra wrote:

Was going out with a girl for 5 years. She wanted a break. I gave it to her. She was going out with someone else about 3 weeks later. She had him lined up before she wanted a break from me. From my experience, which might be different from you, she wanted to break up with me. Sorry.

Yep as I wrote, very common. I'd say she had him lined up long before you knew the relationship was on the skids. Very cowardly behaviour. You are well rid.

OP the distance with you pair is a factor so do bear that in mind.

It's a hard one and I don't envy you.

paulie.walnuts

"Usually when people want to go on a break its a kiss of death for a relationship! Usually its because they want to see other people but still keep you dangling on a string so they can go back to you if nothing else works out!"
Dude sorry to hear it, to be honest the statement above is 100% correct.
This happened to me with a girl i was going out with for five years, she wanted a break and i called the whole thing off. Someone can't have their cake and eat it. Try a local girl it's a lot easier and a better relationship. She wants to move on but doesn't have the guts to break it off.

Mexicola

py2006 wrote:

Usually when people want to go on a break its a kiss of death for a relationship! Usually its because they want to see other people but still keep you dangling on a string so they can go back to you if nothing else works out!

I would end it if I were you!

Speaking from experience, I totally agree with this too. Breaks rarely work as as someone said, it the 'nice' way of saying its over. You should suggest moving over to her or she moves to you and see how she reacts...

Good luck OP!

StormWarrior

Perhaps she wants to break it off completely with you but doesn't want to do the hard thing and come right out and say it, so she's hoping you get the message?

KNS

Usually when people want to go on a break its a kiss of death for a relationship! Usually its because they want to see other people but still keep you dangling on a string so they can go back to you if nothing else works out!

Completely agree with the above. A break was once suggest to me. I asked could we see other people to which I was told "we'll see what happens". I asked will we meet up to which I was told again "we'll see what happens".

About 2/3 weeks into this break I ended up with some one else. Needless to say she went ballistic. Turned out she liked having the break so she could fool around and have me hanging around at the same time. Can't have it both ways.

In my opinion having a break is the same as calling it off. You're either seeing each other or your not.

Zulu

A "break" means she hasn't the balls to break up with you.
The relationship is over. Sorry.

K-9

KNS wrote:

Completely agree with the above. A break was once suggest to me. I asked could we see other people to which I was told "we'll see what happens". I asked will we meet up to which I was told again "we'll see what happens".

About 2/3 weeks into this break I ended up with some one else. Needless to say she went ballistic. Turned out she liked having the break so she could fool around and have me hanging around at the same time. Can't have it both ways.

In my opinion having a break is the same as calling it off. You're either seeing each other or your not.

Yeah, having your cake and eating it is great until the other person does the same!

You say she is less and less on IM. That doesn't sound good or she could be just leading up to the break gently. Really if she wants the break badly, you have to let her. Move on with your life, if it is a break, fine, if not you'll have met new girls.

Riamfada

Im sorry but this friends induced pop culture "break" crap really gets my goat. How long is she gone for? Are you strong enough to take the length of time she is gone? Do you trust eachother. Thats all you need to be comfortable with to stay together.

Im afraid, if she wants to "take a break" and my understanding of said agreements from Tv shows means that she wants to be with other people and keep you on the game incase she comes back alone.

Sorry Mate

(same thing happened to me... then it just got to the stage where she called on Xmass day and told me she was with someone else)

py2006

Grimes wrote:

Im sorry but this friends induced pop culture "break" crap really gets my goat. How long is she gone for? Are you strong enough to take the length of time she is gone? Do you trust eachother. Thats all you need to be comfortable with to stay together.

Im afraid, if she wants to "take a break" and my understanding of said agreements from Tv shows means that she wants to be with other people and keep you on the game incase she comes back alone.

Hahha, were would we be without Friends!

Well you could accept the "break" OP and be with a bunch of chicks and when she wants to end the break and get back with you and she finds out you were with others you can always do your finest Ross impression "WE WERE ON A BREAKKKKKKK"

Kidding by the way!

Grimes wrote:

(same thing happened to me... then it just got to the stage where she called on Xmass day and told me she was with someone else)

Ouchy!

ponderer

Hi guys thought I'd let you know what happened.... Well I spoke to her since online and the relationship is over. She dumped me although she didn't use those words. She did the whole "it's too hard and we should go down seperate roads because it's not fair on either of us to get hurt but we can still be friends "...........the usual rubbish! She is trying to make it sound like it's the best thing for both of us but it's not, at the end of the day she dumped me. Why do girls turn things around to make them look good??

I suspect she is with her ex....she has said in the past that she never speaks to him but a few days ago (before she requested the "break") a picture of her on the beach with her arms around her ex (well looks just like him but his face is a bit hard to make out) appeared on her sisters bebo page and her friends sisters bebo page.... She knows that I never forgive cheaters so I doubt if she would ever admit to being with her ex before the "break" if that was the case. I even said to her but I can visit you in xxxx (where she is living) and she was like but ill be working and studyin etc and ill have no time to see you blah blah blah....another thing that makes me suspicious....if she was with someone else she wouldnt want me arriving and finding her with him!!


So last question..........are there any single girls (especially in Cork) that don't cheat or do the whole " we should both lead our own lives and it's for the better etc.....bulls*it...... ????? If there is I'd like to meet them

Riamfada

The bitch.

Dont worry man. Karma will get her. It always does..... plus the next girl is always better cause she hasnt screwed you over and life gets good again.....

believe me on both accounts

ponderer

Ye the next girl might not have screwed me over but if she comes along then she will at some point. The last 2 girls did! If I find out this girl cheated on me or dumped me to be with someone else then she will be spread over the net so quickly!!

Time Magazine

Grimes wrote:

Im sorry but this friends induced pop culture "break" crap really gets my goat.

Can I marry you? I think we'd get on well. Stupid women.

Sorry to hear about that OP, she sounds like a bitch. You're better off.

Mexicola

Sorry to hear the news man. But you are better off without her. I know its tough but in the long run it will all be for the best.

Good luck! And let the ride-a-thon commence!

K-9

ponderer wrote:

So last question..........are there any single girls (especially in Cork) that don't cheat or do the whole " we should both lead our own lives and it's for the better etc.....bulls*it...... ????? If there is I'd like to meet them

Well you won't know till you get out there! Seriously wish we all knew it beforehand but?

She probably would have went back to ex anyway so its a lucky break. Plenty more out there!

Mullah

Well, OP, for what its worth I was with a girl for a number of years when she decided to take a break.

I was the needy, whiny, moping ex boyfriend for a while, phoning her friends etc. Eventually got back together but a couple of years later she called another break.

This time I copped on to myself: I went to more matches with and without friends than I had been to in a long time; spring cleaned the house top to bottom; went out with two women in two weeks (nothing serious, a bit of fun for all concerned ); tried my best not to think or her (and generally succeeded) and guess what?

She was the one who then started to accidentally drive by work or ring to see how I was keeping. I stood up for myself and eventually told her that it was either going somewhere or it wasn't: make a decision.

Am now v. happily married for 5 years with 3 great kids.

Be strong. You never know what will happen.

Ekancone

ponderer wrote:

So without going into too much details.....

Girlfriend works in foreign country so don't see her much. She says she loves me but it's too hard and wants us to take a "break", and her way of thinking is that we will be on a "break" when we are in a different country and bf and gf when we are in the same country.....


What should I be thinking?? Why does she want this?? Can someone help please I'm so upset!

I was going out with a girl from Austria before and to be honest i found it impossible. I didnt stay faithful and in the end i broke it off with her. Long-distance relationships should be avoided like the plague.

Wibbs

Mullah wrote:

Well, OP, for what its worth I was with a girl for a number of years when she decided to take a break.

I was the needy, whiny, moping ex boyfriend for a while, phoning her friends etc. Eventually got back together but a couple of years later she called another break.

This time I copped on to myself: I went to more matches with and without friends than I had been to in a long time; spring cleaned the house top to bottom; went out with two women in two weeks (nothing serious, a bit of fun for all concerned ); tried my best not to think or her (and generally succeeded) and guess what?

She was the one who then started to accidentally drive by work or ring to see how I was keeping. I stood up for myself and eventually told her that it was either going somewhere or it wasn't: make a decision.

Am now v. happily married for 5 years with 3 great kids.

Be strong. You never know what will happen.

Very very good advice.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Chinafoot

ponderer wrote:

Ye the next girl might not have screwed me over but if she comes along then she will at some point. The last 2 girls did! If I find out this girl cheated on me or dumped me to be with someone else then she will be spread over the net so quickly!!

Wow, now that's mature.

As much as it sucks you need to accept the fact that she's ended it and move on.

Fysh

ponderer wrote:

Ye the next girl might not have screwed me over but if she comes along then she will at some point. The last 2 girls did! If I find out this girl cheated on me or dumped me to be with someone else then she will be spread over the net so quickly!!

In the nicest possible way, you need to be single for a while judging by the sound of this. Preferably for long enough to:

a) get over this relationship ending;
b) remember how to actually enjoy your life without having a girlfriend (from the sound of your posts it sounds like relationship issues weigh heavily on your mind)
c) realise that not all girls are bitches and that just because your ex broke up with you doesn't automatically make her a villain

Seriously, right now you might as well forget about trying to find a new girlfriend; from the sound of it you'll just set off the "Bitter Ex" alarm in the head of any girl you talk to, and they'll run like the wind. (At least, they will if they've any sense - who would want to get in a relationship that involves being someone else's emotional life-support system?)