Cheated on!

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. In this time we have been through alot together, more than any other regular couple. He has been there for me at a terrible time in my life. I trust(ed) him 100 % with everything. He is (was) the perfect boyfriend. Yes of course we fought but we always made up. We get (got) on great!

Over the last few months since he moved out of home he has changed a bit. I see him every single day and we spend all our time together but he got stuck in a rut because of many things but he started treating me differently. I just put it down to him being a bit depressed but this continued and no matter how many times he promised to change, he never did! SO I said I wanted to break up with him, but he asked me to stay with him and Promised that he would change and be the guy he used to be.

Then, not long after he went on a stag weekend in Europe with his friends. I barely heard from him the whole time he was there. A text message was about all I got over 4 days. When he came back he called to my house and I knew something was up! After talking a while I asked did he cheat on me... He swore NO. I didn't really believe him but just left it. That was 2 weeks ago and yesterday I asked him as we had been having massive arguments recently about how he treats me and I asked him again... and after ages of me saying I know you did cheat... he finally admitted!

I know the only way to do this is to actually break up with him, and I have... But i will miss him so much and I do believe that this was his first time ever cheating on me. I know that for sure! But is it true, that once a cheater always one? Or can people slip up once and learn from their mistakes?

Thanks for reading I know it's a bit drawn out!

milkerman

Long post - short answer.
Break up & move on.
You were having problems either way and you certainly didn't trust him to start with. Find someone else.

BoozyBabe

I think sometimes people make mistakes & just because someone cheats once doesn't mean they always will.

But, if someone cheats once & you accept it, it may incourage them to do it again.

For me, once the trust is gone, the relationship is gone.
If my partner cheated on me, it may be the case that he learned his lesson & would never ever do it again for the rest of his life.
But, he did it on me once & I could never trust him not to do it again, the next time he's on a stag, or the next time we have an argument etc, so it would be game over for us.

However, you hear lots of stories where the partner cheated, was forgiven & the relationship became stronger as a result.

I guess it's up to the individual couples

thecutter

Depends on what you mean by 'cheat'. Did he kiss someone else or sleep with somone else??
If its the latter, I would say you made the correct decision. No matter how lonely and sad you may feal, he made love to someone else.

If it was a kiss, id slap him on the hand and warm him if he ever did it again it would be over.
I know what your going through, my girlfriend did the same, but llucky enough she just kissed somone else.... and is on her last warning.

passinginterest

I'd say chances are he didn't cheat at all. Weeks of being accused of cheating in every fight wore him down and he gave you the answer you were looking for. Sounds like the relationship was in trouble anyway so maybe best to move on. If you do get back together you have some major trust issues to work out.

biko

He might never cheat again ever. There is just no way of knowing that stuff.

As to this relationship. You're having major issues and this may have triggered the cheating - maybe he was going to break up with you anyway?

boffin

You told him you didn't like the way you were being treated so you asked him to change this and he didn't...
You told him you didn't like the way you were being treated and wanted to break up, he said he would change and didn't...
Then he cheated...

This would be too much for me to put up with. Imo this means he has either no respect for you/too lazy/thinks you're a doormat and will put up with it/does not want to continue with the relationship but is too cowardly to say it. I think you need to move on. Hard, I know, I've been there. Its a horrible feeling when a relationship ends. This is the time to rely on frineds. I would also stop thinking about if once a cheater always a cheater as that suggests you are thinking of getting back together. Has he suggested that the two of you should work it out? If so I think you need to look at why he cheated rather than would he cheat again. By the sounds of it your relationship has been in trouble for a while. You sound like you are living on the memories of when it was good and hoping that it will go back to that. Cheating I have found(especially if it is a once off) is because the relationship is near the end/drunken mistake or sometimes the person is just a serial cheater.

bugler

I think focusing on the cheating is missing the point. You've been having trouble in the relationship for some time now. You need to ask not will he cheat again, but what's wrong with your relationship that you were having such trouble.

I see him every single day and we spend all our time together but he got stuck in a rut because of many things but he started treating me differently. I just put it down to him being a bit depressed but this continued and no matter how many times he promised to change, he never did!

You need to find out why this is. But it sounds like the relationship is probably best left alone..

Wibbs

From my reading of it you were in a bad relationship, at least recently that you thought was a good one. It wasn't. You may have been right for each other for a time, but it reads like you've been convincing yourself to go against the grain for quite a while. I suspect he feels the same.

As for the cheating, if you've been harping on at him about changing all the time(which maybe he should well have done for his own sake) and have been relentlessly accusing him of cheating, I'm frankly not too surprised he admitted it,whether it was true or not. He may have been looking for a way out or some piece from the third degree. Walk away. Move on for both your sakes. Nothing good will come from it except to learn some valuable insights for th next relationship.

LegacyUser

I was never continuously annoying him over cheating... It was only when he got back from the stag weekend that I just knew and had a gut feeling. When I asked him the first time he made it so obvious that it had happened but wouldnt admit it! Oh and yeah it was only a kiss no sex!

He has told me how sorry he is and that he loves me and that he would never do it again etc... blah blah blah

But I'm also hurt at how he has been treating and as one poster correctly said I should be looking at what was causing those problems and we have met up just to discuss why the incident happened and why he has been treating me like that! I really do love him but I don't want him to think that it is ok to do that or seem like a complete walk over either. I also cant seem myself wanting to kiss him after that!
Thanks for all the replies!

Kurumba

What a horrible situation to be in OP.
First of all I can see what you mean about not seeing yourself wanting to kiss him again after that. Not now anyway as you are hurt and angry.

I think the first thing you need to do is take time out and decide if you really want the relationship to work, decide what you want and need from it if it is ever to get back on track.

Time away from him will eventually leave you with one of two things.
Either you still want to be with him and he has convinced you he is going to 100% committed to you , or else you'll wonder why you were even contemplating the relationship working again after he kissed someone else!
You have said before that he promised to change but didn't, maybe this is a warning signal here. He might not want to change or be capable of change and just says that to you to keep the peace.

Either way you should take time out and let the anger and hurt pass a little before making hasty decisions.
Of course you will miss him but this is all part of a breakup or time apart unfortunatly.

In this case if i were you i would need to get my own head together before anything else.
Best of luck with it OP x

vorbis

your original post is very vague as to how your bf has been "treating" you bad. Can you give any examples?

also

I see him every single day and we spend all our time together

For me, this just would not be healthy. I need some alone time from my gf. Is it possible that he built up a resentment to you over not having any time to himself.

Marksie

Ladymuck: the poster who talked about wider issues is correct. The cheating is simply a symptom of this.

However, remember this, you are utlimately responsibel for your own happiness and unhappiness.

Relationships are dynamic two way things.
They grow and change as people grow and change. If that change cannot be accepted then the realtionship ends.

I am going by reading what you have said: Your b/friend was "perfect". Preftect doesnt give much leeway for development does it?
He has moved out of hme and developed, he has threfore changed and is experiencing new aspects to himself.

Now look at what you have said: " I just put it down to him being a bit depressed but this continued and no matter how many times he promised to change, he never did! SO I said I wanted to break up with him, but he asked me to stay with him and Promised that he would change and be the guy he used to be."

You wanted him to change back, to step away from where he was going and step back into being what you first knew. Trying to put a square peg back into the round hole

Secondly: "I see him every single day and we spend all our time together but he got stuck in a rut "

Not healthy that.

He or We?, you are lumping the responsibility for the relationship failing squarely on your b/friend, without looking at your own motivations for it. It very rarely is a one way thing tbh, though we may blind ourselves and convince ourselves it is...
I think in this you have to be really honest and look at your own behaviour pattern and expectations

As I said, i am not going to comment on the chetaing, because i believe its very much the symptom of a wider issue.

Any talk about things has to encompass the whole of the realtionship, not just the cheating. Look at how his changed and what possible pressures he was under because you wanted him to change back.

So i am not proportioning blame to anyone, i am asking you to lok at yourself and examine your motivations for wanting the relationship preserved as it was and not being allowed to grow. Dont forget being preserved usually means its dead anyways.

Riesen_Meal

OP -

As hard as things are at the moment, everyone does deserve a second chance, even this a**hole of a boyfriend (no offence intended!) at the moment does, as you said, he WAS the perfect boyfriend, he WAS your most trusted,

Well everyone can make a mistake sometimes....

As one of the other posters says dont be treated like a doormat either -

Which is fair enough, so from here on in he gets one more chance and then if things dont improve drastically then you should end your relationship with him and cut all ties if thats the case, its not worth it for either parties, if you dont give him one more chance, you could regret it in a while to come....

Hope all works out for ya....

Ishmael

ladymuck wrote:

But is it true, that once a cheater always one? Or can people slip up once and learn from their mistakes?

I like to believe people learn from their mistakes but only when they actually loose something because of there mistakes. If they don't loose anything then they are more likely to feel they can make these mistakes without repercussion.

I'd say Break up and cut contact. The alternative is a long process of restoring the trust in the relationship but only you know if he is worth trusting.

af_thefragile

Well the "rule" is...
If the person feels really guilty of what he/she has done and is asking for one chance, give him the chance....
If he/she does it again, leave immediately...

My gf (now ex), didn't really cheat on me, but got "close" with this guy from her band... Now that was the last thing i had expected from her, but she did it... It hurt me a lot but then she was feeling really guilty and sorry. I gave her one chance and she promised me nothing like that would happen again...

Things were going good for a while until things went absolutely berserk and the relationship ended in a day. That night i also found out she had started dating the same guy from her band. I have a slight feeling she might have had cheated on me cuz what happened over those 2 days didn't really make sense.
So anyway. Now she's out of my life and i wouldn't want her back cuz i know i'll never be able to trust her again. I gave her a chance, she blew it. And with that she blew all the trust i had in her. I trused her absolutely 100% and that was the last thing i expected her to do...

Point of it all... Give him a 2nd chance if he's willing to accept. Dont be surprised if he falls again. If he does fall again, he doesn't deserve anymore chances.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for all the replies. He has apologised no end and has asked for one more chance etc. I havent quite decided what I want to do.
I think I should give him one more chance, but I am defo not going to rush getting back to a full on relationship again. I will just take it slow and see what happens. To be honest as I said before I cant even imagine kissing him at the moment. I dont mind meeting him and discussing everything, like what has gone wrong with our relationship and what we could do to make it better. But I am just going to take it one step at a time.

finbarrk

He probarbly deserves another chance ladymuck. A lot of people cheat and their partner never hears about it and they have a perfectly good relationship. You were one of the ones who unfortunatley found out. A friend of mine said to his wife 'I dont mind if you **** someone as long as I dont hear about it', if everyone knew the truth abiut their parteners there would be a lot more divorces.

ShowUsYourXbox

I can tell you're very serious about this guy, because you're posting on an internet forum looking for advice off strangers.

Holidays flings, hardly the end of the world.. he was on a stag after all. If you "love" him as much as you say, id imagine it's a fairly easy decision to make.

Or break up with him, and feel like **** for a few months, it's better than feeling like **** for a week over him kissing some bird in Amsterdam, right?

Ickle Magoo

Ladymuck wrote:

Thanks everyone for all the replies. He has apologised no end and has asked for one more chance etc. I havent quite decided what I want to do.
I think I should give him one more chance, but I am defo not going to rush getting back to a full on relationship again. I will just take it slow and see what happens. To be honest as I said before I cant even imagine kissing him at the moment. I dont mind meeting him and discussing everything, like what has gone wrong with our relationship and what we could do to make it better. But I am just going to take it one step at a time.

Sounds very sensible. I know some folks cheat once & learn their lesson (or at least I don't hear about any other misdemeanors) & others are serial cheaters destined never to change. We don't know which of those your bf is but I recommend being very wary. There are definately issues affoot that gave your bf permission to disregard your feelings & any respect he had for your relationship & if you want to save your relationship then those need to be examined. Don't whatever you do let him be a complete sap by blaming either the girl or drink, both are complete lies. Only one person had the responsibility of ensuring you & your relationship come to no harm & that was your bf. Find out why he did it & you have a very good chance of turning things around, hope you find the right thing to do for yourself.