New boyfriend: help please

LegacyUser

ok I have seconds to write this here in work but kinda feeling like I need help. This has been wrecking my head.
Ok so I met this great guy a few wks back and we have just really hit it off. I'm into him, that isn;t the prob, but we're the same age and he has had a lot more sexual exp than i have had.
I'm normally confident in bed but feel a bit inadequate now, esp as I'm aware he's been with a lot of women. lots.

And so now I am freezing in bed with him. What can I do??

aye

I wouldnt worry about it. guys generally prefer to be with a girl who has been with less people than them.

how many is lots? over 30?
i don't think he'll find you inadequate, remember its always better when you really like the person.

biko

Quantity is not necessarily quality. He may have had lots of one-nighters but that doesn't mean he's experienced.
It's also different with every new girl, he should/will take care to make it a good experience for you both.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reassurance. and yup way over 30 I would say!

Do u reckon I just need a change of attitude? It's just I'm finding it hard to get these people out of my head when i go to do anything with him. He has been really good but this can't really go on for long!

boardinwork

Here trust me, as girlfriends go lads prefer a girl who hasnt spread like the plague. How many girls he been with?

Nevyn

boardinwork you can not speak for everyman so please don't atempt to.

Ekancone

boardinwork wrote:

Here trust me, as girlfriends go lads prefer a girl who hasnt spread like the plague. How many girls he been with?

Agreed.

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote:

boardinwork you can not speak for everyman so please don't atempt to.

True, but who can? It's his opinion and the fact is in general he is more correct than not, as most guys, especially younger, less experienced guys are far more likely to agree with him on this, if they're being honest about it. Even in these hallowed parts, there have been enough discussions here and on after hours (:rolleyes: ) that show that trend, with the odd right on chap popping up on the nay side(even in this thread so far). In any case he has as much right to his opinion as you do, so where's the problem?

Anyway this double standard that certainly exists unless you got your head firmly planted in the sand, should go some little way to help the OP with her dilemma.

OP any new sexual relationship takes time to really get going and settle down. With some it can be instant with others it's more of a slow burn. Either way, try and put this to the back of your mind(easier said than done I'll admit) and move forward. If you are close to this person, maybe talk with him about your fears. In fact if you feel you can't talk to him about this, I'd be more worried. I suspect you have very little to worry about.

Cake Fiend

laujkiklma wrote:

he's been with a lot of women. lots.

Whatever number he's told you, divide it by 2.

Thaedydal wrote:

boardinwork you can not speak for everyman so please don't atempt to.

I think he can speak accurately for most of them in this case (regardless of what they say to make women feel better).

Marksie

laujkiklma wrote:

thanks for the reassurance. and yup way over 30 I would say!

Do u reckon I just need a change of attitude? It's just I'm finding it hard to get these people out of my head when i go to do anything with him. He has been really good but this can't really go on for long!

yes absolutely OP.

All this is in your own head. The inadequacy yu feel, the comaptring to other lovers. All these are signs of being unsure in the realtionship. Unless of course at every opportunity he is telling you that past lovers did this and that, then it is just him being honest.

The fact is the past is the past, he didn't know you at the time and its his past. You have yours.

Concentrate on the now, dont wonder if you are as "good" as the past lovers because everyone is unique. Past histrories define to some extent who we are now, who he is now is a person who is in a realtionship with you. He is making love to you, not them.

Concentrate on developing openness and intimacy with him.

In some ways, his being honest with you is a sign of openness on his part. Of course, communication being part of a realtionship, if you are having difficulty with the issue, you could always seek reassurance from the person who can give it too you, your partner.

metrovelvet

OP -Quantity does not equal quality or even "more experience" it just means more women and there are in infinite number of reasons that could have happened, one of them being they keep dumping him for his bedroom skills.

There are other issues you should worry about with a womaniser, this is not one of them.

The_Conductor

OP- most guys have been with far fewer girls than we care to admit- its almost a bragging thing among guys to pretend that there is more chalk marks on the bed post than there really is. Take the number of girls he says he has been with, with a pinch of salt.

When you're with him- you're with him, and shouldn't worry one little bit about feeling inadequate. He is with you- so obviously he does not think you're inadequate for him. Your time with him is something between the two of you- and its never a good idea to try to compare, or dwell, on other people. Live for each other and the present, not the past.

LegacyUser

Hi 'OP' here.

Thanks to you all SO much for your help. It's been great. I talked to him about it this evening and he's not saying much except he really likes me, thinks I'm hot, etc. and I know he means it.

but feck, I think this is something else that's going on in my mind. Like how metrovelvet just brought up, you have other issues to deal with when it comes to womanisers.. And we have talked a lot, we have no problems being open which is great, but he mentioned the first time we were out together something about how every girl ends up telling him he's a bastard. I didn't want to pin him down on that obviously, but come on, that doesn't sound good?

I've never been one for short sex flings and don't do it ever. But what if this is what is is to him???
aaagh.
See...this is other issues besides the other. Thanks for helping me realise that. Yep, we have to do more talking...

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote:

There are other issues you should worry about with a womaniser, this is not one of them.

Very true.

kwpipwww wrote:

I talked to him about it this evening and he's not saying much except he really likes me, thinks I'm hot, etc. and I know he means it.

He doubtless means that part at least. The not saying much worries me more.

but feck, I think this is something else that's going on in my mind. Like how metrovelvet just brought up, you have other issues to deal with when it comes to womanisers..

I'd agree with metrovelvet.

And we have talked a lot, we have no problems being open which is great,

Yet when you brought up your problem he apparently just went on about how hot you are. Very impressive conversational skills he has I must say. Must be a hoot over dinner. Maybe I've been doing things all wrong. Just tell them they're hot and away we go. Sorry but that's how it reads. Probably not your intention.

but he mentioned the first time we were out together something about how every girl ends up telling him he's a bastard. I didn't want to pin him down on that obviously, but come on, that doesn't sound good?

Ehhhhhh. Hang on. You didn't want to pin him down on that. How is that not an obvious thing to question? I've found that people will often tell you what they're like in a very straightforward way. If someone tells you that they're a bit selfish, they usually are. If someone tells you they're a bit of a bastard, at least pay some attention to that. I think they do it so that when the shít hits the fan they can truthfully say they told you so. Not always, not by a long shot, but red flags would be going up here if you were my mate.

I've never been one for short sex flings and don't do it ever. But what if this is what is is to him???

It's possible as this has been his admitted modus operandi in the past. Add his revelation that "every" woman in his past thinks he's a bastard and I would be concerned.

aaagh.

A hard one alright.

See...this is other issues besides the other. Thanks for helping me realise that.

I suspect you had an inkling all along, it could be why your initial issue came up.

Yep, we have to do more talking...

He has to do more talking above and beyond about how hot you are. Good luck anyway.

The Sweeper

Run. A. Mile.

Any bloke who talks about past experiences and what other women say about him on YOUR first date is more interested in himself than in you. He has obvious confidence problems if he needs to brag the way he seems to have been bragging to you.

And you're inexperienced, which means he can play you like a fish on a line because you already think he's the one in the know and you're the one in the wrong. What the hell are you freezing in bed for? Are you that desperate to please him? Has he laid that expectation upon you?

Actually - I take it back - run two miles.

Sounds exactly like my best friend and her new boyfriend. I advised her to run a mile, when she asked my opinion, but she's having none of it and they're still going out. Guy tells me the first time I meet him that he's a bastard and it's true - he sure as hell acts like one. Gonna end up big trouble.
OP, consider leaving or at least please be careful.

Marksie

kwpipwww wrote:

but he mentioned the first time we were out together something about how every girl ends up telling him he's a bastard. I didn't want to pin him down on that obviously, but come on, that doesn't sound good?

That puts somewhat of a different complexion on things OP.

To be honest a somewhat large different comlpexion on things. Was he sounding you out? why did you let the comment ride.

I thin that may be more of an issue than your original issue. It in fact could be THE crux of it all.

I really think now that you have to find out what he meant by that.

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

laujkiklma wrote:

ok I have seconds to write this here in work but kinda feeling like I need help. This has been wrecking my head.
Ok so I met this great guy a few wks back and we have just really hit it off. I'm into him, that isn;t the prob, but we're the same age and he has had a lot more sexual exp than i have had.
I'm normally confident in bed but feel a bit inadequate now, esp as I'm aware he's been with a lot of women. lots.

And so now I am freezing in bed with him. What can I do??

as soon as ye get in the bed....go down on him.
presto....he wont think you inadequate at all.

hope this helps

BaZmO*

A guy tells you on the first date that he's a bit of a Bastard and not only does he think that this is the case but other people do too. He also tells you that he's slept with over 30 people on a first date. Add to that he makes you feel uncomfortable in bed when you used to be quite a confident person.

And you're still with him? hmmm...