Fighting getting physical

IRISH RAIL

Hi i was wondering if someone can help me out
I have been going out with my girlfriend for four years living together for 3 with the usual fights and rows ,
recently things have gotten worse
last nite i was asleep she came in and woke me up to have a fight she was screamming at the top of her voice at me calling me names and putting me down i kept shouting back to leave me alone i tried to leave the room and she wouldnt let me out i had to grab her arm and push her out of the way i had the door in the other room closed and she put her foot through it and as soon as i called the cops she was sobbing on the phne to her friend
she said she wasnt drunk but i dont think there was just drink involved
i showed the cops her hash box they tought it was a bit over the top and took all the pipes and stuff
ive never really had a problem with her smoking it but now im not too sure
i dont do it myself weve been to counselling before and it isnt working
we both own the house with no kids but i know ive stayed this long cause im scared of leaving what if i dont find another place ill be on my mums sofa for months its a trick situation and i am so confused as to what to do
any help woul go a long way
thanks

MrBaseball

Have you considered breaking up? You should consider that...

biko

Go back to counselling. If that doesn't work there always the option above.
Hash usually mellows you out rather than upset you so I don't think that's the culprit.

Marksie

I once got physically attacked OP. There was only one way after that and that was to break up.

Such behaviour is not acceptable regardless if it comes from male or female.

Wibbs

Walk away. The second it gets violent a line has been crossed. If you were a woman, people would be rightfully up in arms about this and would be telling you to get out. As Marksie says this crap is nor respecter of gender. I've know one guy where his girlfriend chipped a tooth in a fight(and he's one big bastard too). Also if some night she gets really violent and you end up defending yourself, you will be the bad boy in this. The fact that you've sought professional help in the past for this and have tried to work it out feels to me like you've reached the end of the road. Ask yourself, I mean honestly ask yourself where this is going and what are you getting out of the current situation. If fear is the only thing keeping you there, then that's the worst reason of all. Move out.

r3nu4l

biko wrote:

Go back to counselling. If that doesn't work there always the option above.
Hash usually mellows you out rather than upset you so I don't think that's the culprit.

Well I'm not going to enter the hash debate but hash does also increase paranoia which may or may not explain some things...

Anyway, it sounds like she needs help with her anger and unresolved issues. If you love her and don't want to break up with her then you need to convince her to go for more intensive counselling, not just 'relationship counselling'. She may have issues beyond that of a relationship advisor.

davyjose

MrBaseball wrote:

Have you considered breaking up? You should consider that...

QFT - you won't get better advice than this. Ever!!! Your life will be ruined if you stay in this relationship.

bugler

Yep, walk away if this hasn't come completly out of the blue, and it seems it hasn't from the tone of your post.

Don't be one of the sad cases who puts up with this. Physical confrontation has no place within the realms of a relationship.

we both own the house with no kids but i know ive stayed this long cause im scared of leaving what if i dont find another place ill be on my mums sofa for months

It's a bit tricky. Firstly, you'll be able to find somewhere to rent if need be. Can you afford this? Are you paying a mortgage on the house? And could you manage to pay both? If you leave you should probably take advice from a solicitor about the house, namely forcing your girlfriend to buy you out or else sell up completely. Not the ideal time for it to be honest. But no house or money is worth putting up with this shíte for.

seamus

I would be in the "get out of there now" camp. Provided your name is on the house deeds, you're entitled to what you own. There's no fear there.

Once it gets physical, that's it. It's over. If I were in your shoes, I would have one major concern - Some night she starts to hit you, you restrain her, the Gardai are called and they will take you away (because this is what they are required to do). If it ends up in court, you'll be the one in trouble for restraining her, simply because you're the man.

Wibbs

Also, why the hell should you be the one that leaves? Throw her out, she's the one being violent. You've got a police call out to fall back on if she tries getting all legal with you.

Beruthiel

IRISH RAIL wrote:

i know ive stayed this long cause im scared of leaving what if i dont find another place

And you think that's a reason to stay with someone with problems like this?
Sell the house, and buy a small apt. You'll be happier in the long run.

Marksie

Wibbs wrote:

Also if some night she gets really violent and you end up defending yourself, you will be the bad boy in this.

An excellent point: If you react to this, without witnesses, who is a court going to believe?

craichoe

Tell her to sort herself out or she can get out. I'm sure shes just as iffy about leaving the house as you are

bugler

It's the mortgage (if there is one) and occupation of the house that is the big issue.

Assuming both can't live in the house while split up (sounds like there'd be war), someone will have to leave (and I imagine this will have to be worked out between the parties rather than something the law will rule on), and the mortgage will still have to be paid.

My girlfriend used to work for a bank calling customers whose mortgages had fallen behind, and there were a lot of cases of separated couples in which the party who left the house (or sometimes even the one who stayed!) were not paying the mortgage. I can see how it might stick in the craw of someone to pay for a place they don't even live in anymore, but the mortgage is in your name and must be paid...

Hopefully there is no mortgage at all! Probably unlikely though.

nice1franko

I wouldnt be too fussed with the hash - it'd be more screaming, abuse, and kickin holes in doors while I'm asleep. There's a special acronym for situations like this: DTMFA.

Don't mean to sound flippant or insensitive either... I know it's a huge step but you must know that's no way to live and if you keep it up, either: a) you'll both spiral down to the same level or c) you'll be left broken.

If you split up you're giving yourself, and her, the best chance at a happy life.

Wait till things calm down a bit and get a mediator when sorting out the house.

seamus

Wibbs wrote:

Also, why the hell should you be the one that leaves? Throw her out, she's the one being violent. You've got a police call out to fall back on if she tries getting all legal with you.

I'm not sure how you "evict" someone who owns a place, but be aware of one thing - if you ring the Gardai to have her removed, they will take you instead. When the Gardai are called to a domestic disturbance, they will always remove the man, regardless of who started/continues the argument.

I'm not speaking from experience here, but I would always be wary of bringing up arguments to strengthen your case. Unless you have witnesses, the male will be assumed to be the aggressor.

JC 2K3

Yeah get out of it now.

And the hash likely has nothing to do with it, I hate when people place the blame on drugs if anyone who uses them has a problem.

Electric

If her name is on the deeds then I'm pretty sure that she can't be "evicted". There is no court that is going to kick someone out of something that they own!

My Dad used to work with this guy whose wife beat him. I mean seriously beat him! Some of the guys that he worked with thought it was a joke, that there was no way his "little wife" could beat him up! Eventually he had to leave he applied for custody of the kids cos she was too dangerous and was turned down. He kept fighting though and got them but the thing is that the courts gardai etc sided with his wife cos she was female.

It is a lot more common than you think. People are just relucant to discuss the fact that women can be as agressive (even more so) than men!

If I were you I would break up no one has any right or excuse to physically attack you! I would also consult with a solicitor you're main options would be to either have her buy you out (or vice versa) or force a sale of the house. Either way it would be better than worrying when she is gonna go off on you again....cos it will happen again!

pwd

OP - Does she physically attack you?
Blocking the door and screaming at you is not acceptable - but it's not quite the same as hitting imo.

Women hitting men is very common in relationships. And as a couple of others have pointed out: They often defend themselves by saying the man was the aggressor - and they are usually believed.

I think hash can make people extremely paranoid and also extrememly irritable when they are not stoned. Not sure what you hoped to achieve by calling the guards on her about it though. That would strike me as a pretty severe betrayal. Did you want to get her arrested or what?

IRISH RAIL

its well over now cant afford to buy her out so ill have to sell
yes she hits a lot even when were not rowing seems like she has this thing for it didnt know what i was thinking of when i called the gaurds im a lot bigger than hen kinda think i wanted it sorted before i lost the plot,
but you never think of the consequnces when you do these things do you
the smartest thing i did do was record the whole thing on my phone she tried to say i came home drunk well the gaurds were not impressed when they heard it so theres a good bit of advice!

anyway back to being single
thanks very much to all who helped your messages were very much appretiated
IE

spurious

Please stick to this OP - from experience I know how hard it is to do.

It will break your heart but believe me in the long run it will be best for you.
You deserve someone who treats you properly.

Rb

Get that b1tch in line, yo.

Nevyn

rb_ie off topic and unhelpful postings will get you banned from this forum.

the_syco

biko wrote:

Hash usually mellows you out rather than upset you so I don't think that's the culprit.

Hash effects people in different ways. Although regular users smoke it to feel "mellow", it can make people paranoid, and induce mood swings.

OP, you're one of the "lucky" few who decided to GTFO whilst you could.

K-9

I would go to a solicitor on this one. Could get dangerous if like you said she told the guards you came back drunk. Do not underestimate some women in situations like this, they are not always the fairer sex!

Eventually in a case like this the house is sold or one party buys the other out. Solicitor may advice you to get a safety order, which means she cannot be abusive or violent to you, its a court order.