loyalties...

Crumble Froo

heya, was basically just wondering, after having had a conversation with my fella today, is my attitude normal, or is it more of a gender thing, or just a life experience thing...

it's quite simple, the example which came up today was that a good friend of mine, who id mention a good bit when im talking to my fella (theyve never met, but my fella is quite fond of this guy cos he's been there for me a lot)... but anyway, this friend is in love with a good friend of his, who has little or no idea about this.

recently, she had another fella over while my mate was there, and he was in shreds about this... made up his mind to tell her how he felt, just so he could avoid being in the position of witnessing this again, but he chickened out. last night, something similar happened again, they were out, she was drunk and ended up pickin up some fella, my mate was absolutely gutted. absolutely completely just broken hearted. which, y'no, fair enough. my heart goes out to my mate,and ill be there for him to talk to, or just to keep him company.

but my fella's attitude is basically 'fúck that skanky ho, she hurt your mate, so you should hate her' ...i know the girl, and she's quite a nice girl, i dont blame her, she cant know what my mate is going through, she doesnt know how he feels about her.

if she'd intentionally gone out to hurt him, or if they were in a relationship and she did that, ok, yeah, hate would be a pretty good word for how id feel about her, but i just cant quite get my head around my fella's feelings on this one. i know that often, he'll tend to see the world as a more aggressive place than i do, or life as more of a struggle... which, i can understand, as he hasnt had the easiest of lifes still though.

still though, how would you feel about it if you were me?
am i being soft?
is my fella being irrational?
or is it just one of those things you can chalk down to personality, and there's no one main feeling on things like this, its just up to the people involved?

monkey tennis

narco wrote:

is my fella being irrational?

Yes. As you say, if this girl was intentionally setting out to hurt people, he'd have a point. As she's completely oblivious to the fact that your friend is getting hurt, he's being a tool. Maybe this in particular is a touchy subject for him? Bad past experience?

Crumble Froo

largely, i think its just the way he grew up... very eye for an eye... ... he can be really black and white over some stuffs.

as for the bad experience thing, well, he has had an ex or two cheat on him, that could be it... but it was the 'she hurt your friend, you should hate her' comment that got me.

PeakOutput

ye thats ridicolous she isnt doing it intentionally and in fact it is your friends problem not hers

Crumble Froo

ah in fairness now to be honest,i can see where he's coming from. he's a fiercely loyal person, and would do just about anything for the people he cares about.

PeakOutput

narco wrote:

ah in fairness now to be honest,i can see where he's coming from. he's a fiercely loyal person, and would do just about anything for the people he cares about.

i didnt mean to sound like i was getting at your boyfriend im sure he is great just that particular view to me is way off. you should also nag your friend into telling the girl and just getting it out there

Crumble Froo

ah,its no problem, haha, a few of my mates arent big fans of his, so im used to jumping in on the defensive

and yep, am currently in the process of nagging my mate. tenner bets says he chickens again:rolleyes:

0utshined

Well your bf can have whatever reaction he wants but I really don't agree with him. His reaction is probably more about him than the situation as it is.

It's a shame for your friend but to be honest he's brought it on himself. He's hanging around with a girl he wants to be more than friends with but hasn't said anything to her. Well what does he expect her to do, wait until he grows a pair? He really needs to either talk to her, stop hanging around with her or both.

Another thing, you mention that "she doesnt know how he feels about her". She probably does or at least has some idea. If your friend is that hung up on her then if she paid any attention at all she should be able to pick up on it. I'd still disagree with your bf though.

Crumble Froo

0utshined wrote:

Well your bf can have whatever reaction he wants but I really don't agree with him. His reaction is probably more about him than the situation as it is.

it's like a completely different worldview or something. we are so alike in so many ways, and he's a really loving, compassionate, supportive guy... and then he comes out with things like that, and i find it hard to piece it all together.

It's a shame for your friend but to be honest he's brought it on himself. He's hanging around with a girl he wants to be more than friends with but hasn't said anything to her. Well what does he expect her to do, wait until he grows a pair? He really needs to either talk to her, stop hanging around with her or both.

well he accepts the situation, largely, he doesnt especially want a relationship with her, he's enough experience to know its not a good idea, but he does still *feel* that way about her. he loves her company, and if he had to choose between never hanging around with her agian, and being always 'just a friend', he'd value his friendship with her more than wanting to have 'more than that'.

Another thing, you mention that "she doesnt know how he feels about her". She probably does or at least has some idea. If your friend is that hung up on her then if she paid any attention at all she should be able to pick up on it. I'd still disagree with your bf though.

he reckons she knows, or at least suspects, he's referred to it as the elephant in the room... but he says he's gonna talk to her tonight about it... he doesnt actually want anything about their current relationship to change, just that she respect his feelings and lets him be oblivious to any one night stands/flings that she has...

MrBaseball

narco wrote:

heya, was basically just wondering, after having had a conversation with my fella today, is my attitude normal, or is it more of a gender thing, or just a life experience thing...

it's quite simple, the example which came up today was that a good friend of mine, who id mention a good bit when im talking to my fella (theyve never met, but my fella is quite fond of this guy cos he's been there for me a lot)... but anyway, this friend is in love with a good friend of his, who has little or no idea about this.

recently, she had another fella over while my mate was there, and he was in shreds about this... made up his mind to tell her how he felt, just so he could avoid being in the position of witnessing this again, but he chickened out. last night, something similar happened again, they were out, she was drunk and ended up pickin up some fella, my mate was absolutely gutted. absolutely completely just broken hearted. which, y'no, fair enough. my heart goes out to my mate,and ill be there for him to talk to, or just to keep him company.

but my fella's attitude is basically 'fúck that skanky ho, she hurt your mate, so you should hate her' ...i know the girl, and she's quite a nice girl, i dont blame her, she cant know what my mate is going through, she doesnt know how he feels about her.

if she'd intentionally gone out to hurt him, or if they were in a relationship and she did that, ok, yeah, hate would be a pretty good word for how id feel about her, but i just cant quite get my head around my fella's feelings on this one. i know that often, he'll tend to see the world as a more aggressive place than i do, or life as more of a struggle... which, i can understand, as he hasnt had the easiest of lifes still though.

still though, how would you feel about it if you were me?
am i being soft?
is my fella being irrational?
or is it just one of those things you can chalk down to personality, and there's no one main feeling on things like this, its just up to the people involved?

Your boyfriend appears to be overreacting there. Does he think that because this other guy likes his friend, that she should automatically be attracted to him too? Still though, saying "she can't know how the guy feels" is a little naive. I reckon in most situations like this it's pretty easy for the woman to be able to tell. I'm sure he's doing the usual "I'll be a doormat and help her all the time and then she'll come around" act. He seems to fit the bill. He's probably secretly in love with you too after "being there for you a lot" and all that.

Anyway, the problem here is the guy. He just doesn't get it. It's not her fault she isn't into him and that he has no spine. Then again, I reckon she probably has an idea how he feels. Don't worry, he'll learn from this situation, hopefully. I hope he's fairly young though....

narco wrote:

he reckons she knows, or at least suspects, he's referred to it as the elephant in the room... but he says he's gonna talk to her tonight about it... he doesnt actually want anything about their current relationship to change, just that she respect his feelings and lets him be oblivious to any one night stands/flings that she has...

Now this is just plain moronic. If he feels like this, the onus should be on him to get over her, and not have her feeling like she needs to tiptoe around him. She has her own life, and if he can't handle the situation, he should remove himself from it. He sounds like a baby.

Crumble Froo

MrBaseball wrote:

Your boyfriend appears to be overreacting there. Does he think that because this other guy likes his friend, that she should automatically be attracted to him too? Still though, saying "she can't know how the guy feels" is a little naive. I reckon in most situations like this it's pretty easy for the woman to be able to tell. I'm sure he's doing the usual "I'll be a doormat and help her all the time and then she'll come around" act. He seems to fit the bill. He's probably secretly in love with you too after "being there for you a lot" and all that.

well, there's a good chance she has an idea how he feels. they were quite intimate with each other (ok ok, fúck buddies), but that was before feelings came into it. i was really just givin the my mate and the unrequited love thing as a background to my actual question.

Anyway, the problem here is the guy. He just doesn't get it. It's not her fault she isn't into him and that he has no spine. Then again, I reckon she probably has an idea how he feels. Don't worry, he'll learn from this situation, hopefully. I hope he's fairly young though....

little aggressive there? my mate never claimed that she should be into him. why do you think he has no spine? cos he doesnt want to ruin the friendship? ive already said he doesnt actually want to date her. no, he's not young. old enough to recognise his situation and to not want to further it into a relationship he know will hurt him more in the long run. old enough to be satisfied with the company of a friend.

Now this is just plain moronic. If he feels like this, the onus should be on him to get over her, and not have her feeling like she needs to tiptoe around him. She has her own life, and if he can't handle the situation, he should remove himself from it. He sounds like a baby.

he doesnt want her to feel like she has to tiptoe around him. all he asks is that when he's with her, that she doesnt end up hookin up with some other guy in front of him. "he sounds like a baby" is a bit harsh, and quite immature to my ears, in this circumstance.

PeakOutput

narco wrote:

he doesnt want her to feel like she has to tiptoe around him. all he asks is that when he's with her, that she doesnt end up hookin up with some other guy in front of him. "he sounds like a baby" is a bit harsh, and quite immature to my ears, in this circumstance.

well to me her having to think about were he is and what he is thinking when she is talking to some new guy and possibly not doing anything with someone she likes because he is around or may be around in the morning or may find out, that sounds like tip toeing around.

also out of sight does not mean out of mind trust me so it will not help. he either has to get over it and move on........tell her and get over it and move on or tell her and see if they can get together..............there should be no onus on her to change how she is living to suit what is his problem and if he tries to get her to she will just resent him

Crumble Froo

fair enough, that's your view on it. i could give more reasons as to the whys and wherefores, but im not completely anonymous on this board and its not fair to my friend if this info was to come back to him.

honestly, i really just wanted to know about my own boyfriend's attitude, im finding it hard to believe that nobody else here can relate to it/shares it.

MrBaseball

narco wrote:

well, there's a good chance she has an idea how he feels. they were quite intimate with each other (ok ok, fúck buddies), but that was before feelings came into it. i was really just givin the my mate and the unrequited love thing as a background to my actual question.

Hmmm, getting into that situation with a friend. Yeah, that's not a recipe for disaster... Sounds like he made a very smart move!

narco wrote:

little aggressive there? my mate never claimed that she should be into him. why do you think he has no spine? cos he doesnt want to ruin the friendship? ive already said he doesnt actually want to date her. no, he's not young. old enough to recognise his situation and to not want to further it into a relationship he know will hurt him more in the long run. old enough to be satisfied with the company of a friend.

Aggressive, nah, not really. I'm just trying to be honest. Yeah, to be honest, I think that being into her and and afraid to tell her and claiming it's because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship is a bit spineless. If he doesn't want a relationship with her because he "knows" it wouldn't work, then what's his problem?? Still doesn't want her to get with someone else? He sounds like a baby. He should distance himself from her. God forbid she might start going out with someone else.

narco wrote:

he doesnt want her to feel like she has to tiptoe around him. all he asks is that when he's with her, that she doesnt end up hookin up with some other guy in front of him. "he sounds like a baby" is a bit harsh, and quite immature to my ears, in this circumstance.

None of his business, to be honest. She's not with him, she doesn't have to tiptoe around him(yes that's what it is). He needs to work on his emotions. If he's not with her and he wants to be friends, he should try to be "friends" and not"friends, but only if you're pretending to be celibate because I secretly love you". I mean, how can that position be anything other than immature?


It will all end in tears.