good sex advice basically!

hogstheduvet

Hello,

I hope you all out there can give me some advice.

I am in a beautiful committed relationship with a boy who I love and adore, and we have sex regularly and all that.

The only problem is it is a little boring, but I don't know how to 'spice it up' so to speak.

I have issues with the way I look and hate him seeing me naked and stuff, and I am totally paranoid about him *coughs* (going down on me!) but he wants to. I just can't relax and let him, and the little we have done makes me really uncomfortable!

I do try and do the whole blow job thing for him but honestly it makes me want to gag!

I am 25 and feel like a total prude! I try the whole sexy underwear thing but I think I have the wrong approach as he doesnt seem to notice. Possibly I am buying things I consider cute rather than sexy (I personally think underwear specifically designed to be sexy is revolting!)

Possibly I am a total prude!

The list could go on .... we usually stick to one or two comfortable sex positions and I know he is bored, but when we have tried others (you know, from behind or whatever) I feel like a whore, I feel used .....

Sorry for the length of this but Im trying to explain it all so people can offer advice.

I suppose the final question is this ....

How do good girls do naughty in the bedroom ... or....

How can I stop myself acting like a total prude when that is how I feel?

spurious

I have issues with the way I look and hate him seeing me naked and stuff

That's kind of a biggie and really only you can make moves to change it.

On the oral sex thing - why don't you like him doing it? Are you afraid it will be unpleasant for him?
Believe me, it's not, but if you have issues with imagined smells or otherwise 'down there' you could incorporate a mutual bath in your foreplay - then you can allay any fears of a lack of hygiene.

His penis is just another part of him - you don't 'have' to 'do the blow job thing' if you don't want to...there are a myriad other things you can get up to. What makes you gag about it? You do not have to take him in your mouth, you can do a great deal with your tongue.

Your post sounds to me like you're trying to fit into some idea you have of how you 'should' be, rather than being yourself. If you find sex boring, believe me he does too.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Oryx

How do good girls go naughty? All it takes is time and inclination.:) You firstly need to be very relaxed and easy with your bf, and know that he wont laugh at you for any reason. Instead of sex being a task, just make it fun. Dont start with any expectations. He loves you and will not think any less of you. BUT! Do not, ever, do something you really are uncomfortable with. If you feel like a 'prude' about something, dont do it if it is making you cringe inside.

Really this has to start inside your head. It will require a mental change on your part to saying 'Oh god, I feel used... this is awful' to 'Oh god, I feel used... isnt this great?' It may sound like a huge change, but you do it in small ways. Look to your bf for support, reassurance and feedback. Perhaps if you can see how much he adores you and what youre both doing it may make it easier to relax into things and not worry about how you look etc. And of course you need to be enjoying it!

And for the record, I feel silly in ott lingerie too. Wear what YOU can feel sexy in, not what Playboy describes as sexy!

If you are uncomfortable with him giving you oral. Let him use his hands first, then maybe kiss you there now and again, then stop. Let you get used to it slowly. Building up the amount of time he spends 'there'. You need to be able to relax to enjoy it anyway. As has been said if you are worried about hygiene, have a bath beforehand. When you are clean you may smell musky, but not much else. Its not unpleasant at all!

Im not sure whether the bj thing makes you gag because of the whole concept or because of the way you do it. If its the latter, use your hand for control. Only do as much as you are comfortable with. Tell your bf you need him to go easy with you.

And stop labelling yourself a prude. Everyone has their own personal tastes and limits. (But extending them CAN be fun )

Jesus Wept

Why does going down on him make you gag? Does he need a wash?

The Corinthian

hogstheduvet wrote:

Possibly I am buying things I consider cute rather than sexy (I personally think underwear specifically designed to be sexy is revolting!)

Maybe he disagrees.

Let's put it this way, you're buying underwear that you consider sexy, you're not buying underwear that he considers sexy. And after buying something based upon what works for you, you're puzzled when he does not automatically get turned on by it. Same goes with sexual acts and all the rest.

TantraKat

hogstheduvet wrote:

Hello,

I hope you all out there can give me some advice.

I am in a beautiful committed relationship with a boy who I love and adore, and we have sex regularly and all that.

The only problem is it is a little boring, but I don't know how to 'spice it up' so to speak.

I have issues with the way I look and hate him seeing me naked and stuff, and I am totally paranoid about him *coughs* (going down on me!) but he wants to. I just can't relax and let him, and the little we have done makes me really uncomfortable!

Hi, a very good friend/lover of mine once suggested I read a book called "The Multi Orgasmic Couple" by Mantak Chia. Its described as "secrets about sex every couple should know".

Its well worth reading, either individually or together. I had a lot of hang ups about sex too, and with the help of this book (along with my friend) I definitely got over most of my hangups (still have some probs still, mainly with body image so I can sympathise). However, romantic, dim lighting certainly helps, try leaving a candle burning - safely of course, with soft music.

FlutterinBantam

In my opinion ,you have feelings of guilt about the whole thing.

This makes you uneasy and unable to fully let yourself go to enjoy the experience.

My suggestion would be to try and erase the guilt,you are entitled to enjoy your sexuality,and there is nothing wrong with that.

Thats why we are made the way we are!!!

You will be old and grey long enough, while the juices flow go on and make the most of it.

kittenkiller

Try the book that TantraKat recommended.

But I can assure you that nothing is going to change until you relax about the whole thing.
Maybe try role-playing or something that will take you out of yourself and let you be someone else for a while.
You can justify doing things that you mightn't usually do because you were being a different character for a while.

Have a drink or a bath or watch a steamy movie (doesn't have to be porn or anything, just a movie with a scene you've always found kinda hot), make sure you're relaxed before you start anything.
A nice long bath followed by a full body massage should ease some tension and start things off.

As for the oral issue, try investing in a professional wax from time to time, it might help ease the paranoia of him going down on you.
And once you're sure that your bf is clean and healthy there shouldn't be a problem going down on him.
Start off just kissing and licking him, you don't have to go in all guns blazing trying to get as much of him shoved in your gob as possible from the get-go!
In fact if you do it right, and as part of foreplay you mightn't even need to put more than 2 inches in your mouth at all!

I'm sure *any* kind of oral attention at this stage would send him rocketing anyway!

All the best.

watna

I never liked oral sex before my current bf but he's really got me over that. Its about being comfortable... try doing it after you've both had a barh/shower. That helped me relax. Also, I talked to my bf about it and as I became more comfortable talking about it, i became more comfortable doing it. The thing is he wanted to do it the make me happy and doing that to him amkes him really happy so now i have no problems doing it. it did take a while for me to be completely comfortable with it and to get it right but as long as we were open about it it was fine. As for the sexy underwear, my bf wasn't interested which used to concern me until he told me he prefers me in pyjamas and a little vest top. If you can talk to your bf about what he likes then when you do it your confidence will grow so much. As for being body-conscious, there's not much you can do except keep thinking that your bf loves you and obviously finds you attractive... i might take a while for you to be more comfortable but you could just take it a little step at a time and try to be more comfortable doing one thing before moving on to another. You could also try by a funny sexy present, like kama sutra cards or something. These are cards that have all the positions and how to do them, you can get ones in bookshops that have artistic impressions of them where the pictures aren't too graphic. It could be fun to go through them with your bf and then you can find out what you both like.

Sleepy

OP, first thing's first, you need to get comfortable in your own body. The female body is a beautiful thing. Artists have drawn, painted, sculpted and photographed the naked female form for centuries for a reason. It's not merely a sexual thing. Virtually every woman on this planet looks better naked than clothed, I'm sure you're no different.

As for him going down on you, trust me there's nothing disagreeable about it. Most men find it a very enjoyable thing to do.

As for the underwear, cute is not sexy. If you find the ann summers style 'sexy' lingerie isn't something you like, have a look at some of the classier more upmarket stuff like la perla, victoria's secret etc. It's more Brigette Bardot than Jenna Jameson

It sounds like you suffer from the traditional Irish catholic thing of seeing sex as something dirty and to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. It's none of those things and virtually every sex act imaginable predates Abrahamic religion by centuries if not millenia. Our generation's relative openness to discussing sex and sexuality can sometimes make people think of many of the less 'vanilla' sexual activities as new or inventions of our generation. This couldn't be further from the truth and the relative openness is only relative to a small number of generations preceeding us. There's nothing shameful, wrong or dirty about sex and there never has been.

Marksie

Ok lots of good advice here already.

Go back to basics a little. Whether from books or another source, you are going to find a familiar theme running through them.

That the way to overcome this fear of s*x is to fully learn to love yourself and to connect back with yourself.

There may very well be issues in the way you were taught to view s*x. Often being told its "dirty" or immoral. This will lead to layers of guilt being built up over the whole issue, particularly from ceratin religions who view guilt and fear mechanisms as ensuring control.
You will have to go back and rediscover almost an innocence in it and learn to love your body and yourself above all, before you can commence moving forward with your b/friend. there are texts available and patheays to follow, but they all do involve an honest approach at looking at yourself.

Communication: Talk to your b/friend about your worries and how you feel about your body and what is essentailly a wonderful act between two people. Shareing things together is part of intimacy, which so many people have. Tell him how you feel and how you would like to express this further in intimate settings. Ask for his help and support and move forward as a couple.

As for any specific acts, learn to walk before you run. Even the simplest positions can be vastly enhances by opening to intimacy. 2 positions with meaning are better than 19 which are going through the motions.

craichoe

http://www.steakandbjday.com/