Normal??

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a low profile boards.ie member but even still, I'd rather not identify myself.

I'm 26, and feel quite blue and depressed sometimes like everyone, but I don't know whether it is good to be the way I am right now.

I feel very alone at this time in my life. I don't have that many friends- mates at work is about as close as it gets...a little small talk maybe at lunch, maybe if there is a work night out, I'll go with them. Don't have a job at the mo, and have moved back to where I am from (the country) as I was severely unhappy in my last job, so no workmates. Hence, I just feel pretty alone.

Was extremly withdrawn from my teenage years on through collage, and so, I have noone from that time in my life. A mixture of shyness, problems at home with family, and isolation (financial, where I lived) helped in that, but ultimately it was down to me and failing to take control of myself. It was a huge effort to maintain small talk at the jobs I took after collage, but at least that got some of the social anxiety out of the way, and helped me mix with people a little more.

I guess why I'm typing this is...I want to know how to be...haha-a person with a life rather than a by-stander. Work (or at least the search for iit at the moment) gets me out of bed, but I've little to do with the money I make. Buying stuff doesn't interest me, and in 4 years I'll be 30 with nothing to show other than a large book collection. Girlfriends...I don't want to sound bitter, but having one isn't exactly going to make me happier, are they? My workmates always went on about who they were with, what they did-to them, I am a little strange as I have noone, I don't even know how to have a friendship.

I've joined sporting clubs, but have little to say other than asking questions or trying to make small talk with people. I feel like an empty shell tbh, and I feel so bloody tired at times like this.

Life seems so grey, and I often wonder why I continue. Sorry-this is just a rant now...

Marksie

It is a truism that you are very muhc respopnsible for your own happiness and unhappiness.
You appear to be drifting alonmg with no real aim in life. To be honest everyone does this at some time or other.

It is important for you to take the reins of your own life back into your hands. Begin to cultivate a more positive outlook. You say for example you have money and nothing to do with it. That all you have is a book collection. Do you live in your books rather than the real world? Are they fiction or historical?

Think about it, its a wide world out there and you do not have financial commitments, a simple example would be to say, flights are cheap and breaks and holidays to places you may have read about or have caught your attentions.

I moved country and effectively severed connection with friends from my teen and universtity years: It happens, its part of life that people change and move on.
I don't get into the macho who i scored etc etc either, it is juts little boys in p*ssing contests and counting notches on bed posts. But in terms of girlfriends, if you consider it to be an interaction between to human beings on an intimate level then it is one of the most wonderful experiences somenoe could have.
But to do so, there is one grain of truth in what you say, but not from the way you mean. You are right in that a grilfriend will not make you happy, it is you that will do that.

Sometimes making small talk is what being friends is about, sometimes it is just saying to somenoe that hey here is my number if you want to go out lets, but leaving it at that and not haveing expectations on either side that you have to fulfill.

It all stems down to one fact, and you have stated it, you feel hollow, you havent really looked at your self closely. At the risk of being a little metaphysical, your inner self. Gone back to connecting and sussing out who you are. It calls for introsepction and can be a painful meditative process, but once you begin to do that you will then begin to turn it outward and find some value again.

Hmm_Messiah

Hi

I'd go with very much of what Marksie said.

Some of your post reminded me of when I finished college early (was asked to leave- but thats another story )

Suddenly all my friends were away at college, holidays etc etc. Amd i worked in one county , home to the next so not much interaction there.

The honest reality is some of this takes real effort, doing stuff you know you need to and finding the energy In doing it rather than before.

But also know many many people feel like you do, at least some time along the way. Thinking ahead to your 30's etc does not help, when feeling down you have to try not heap all the anxieites together. Having had a job, been to college, collected books etc are all real things, real accomplishments. If they dont feel that it only indicates that you yearn for more - and that is a positive thing .

If you are quit or introverted then thats what you are - no reason to change that ...other than... if you see a real need for companionship, friendship then you project yourself into making it happen.

I've made extra-ordinary friendships through this internet thingy, and on odd occasion not realising I had made friends with people until they they said it, or invited m to a significant event.

I may be wrong but you com e across as a man who needs to talk, be vocal, but is frustrated at all the constructs of chat etc etc, if so find a real outlet, like a bok club, where the talk cna be argumentative, real, and some of the internal you can come to the surface.

Trips alone can some times be liberating, but sometimes emphasis the isolation - maybe though you could affors those holidays where a bus of strangfers travel together- you have instant conversation material , konwing nothing of each other,and the shared holiday experience.

Don't be too tough on your self. Sort the job, and best of luck

yangzhao

Hi OP,

i wanna to say how lucky you are actually compared to me.

i am a foreigner,yes, i.e. from a developping county that do not speak english as a native tongue.
in UCD for more than 3 years, barely have any friends there, you know what i mean, people going to UCD, they have plenty friends from home, from school, from whatever, and even if when they wanna make new friends, they wont wanna talk to a foreigner speaking english with an accent.

as having been living away from home for so long, i have lost lots contact with old friends back home, and we were talking chalk and cheese when we did meetup during my holidays.

OP, first, you have your family around you, know plenty ppl if you wanna start to talk to them. and you speak fluent english, knowing all the hidding culture jokes which are exclusivly funny for irish ppl.

you really have a lot.am i right?

LegacyUser

'this sounds so like me tbh - right down to the leaving your last job part. and i am sure there are more people out there like us. maybe when you find a new job you'll get on better with your colleagues. you mentioned you like reading, maybe you could join a book club?? it can be hard to find people you have stuff in common with sometimes, which means that conversations can often revolve around small talk but persevere i know a few people who had loads of friends in college and have now drifted apart etc. so they only really mix with work people, so it can happen even the most popular!

hang in there'

julesc

I think you'd be surprised the amount of people that feel like this and dont think they're "normal". So deff dont think that you are on your own.
I was extremely shy back around the last few years of school and through college, still am really but working on it. Have found that the best way to slowly but surely come out of your self is to force yourself into situations where you have to talk to people.

Every wk do something or talk to someone that you normally wouldnt. even if its must making small talk in a shop or something.
If some one invites you somewhere and you dread the thought of going, make yourself. It usually turns out so much better than you thought it would and you wonder after why you were dreading it so much.

I think once you get back into a job that will make things a lot better. being stuck at home is probably the worst thing for you at the mo. It makes such a diff if you get on with your work people, cos if you have a good laugh at work wont matter so much if you dont have too many friends outside of work. Good luck

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

It is a truism that you are very muhc respopnsible for your own happiness and unhappiness.
You appear to be drifting alonmg with no real aim in life. To be honest everyone does this at some time or other.

Yes, alot of the time I feel without purpose. Work is just to get food/clothing/rent, something to take up the time, and as making money doesn't motivate me, I just take whatever job I can get.

It is important for you to take the reins of your own life back into your hands. Begin to cultivate a more positive outlook. You say for example you have money and nothing to do with it. That all you have is a book collection. Do you live in your books rather than the real world? Are they fiction or historical?

It doesn't matter, they are an escape, same as the internet. I don't know what to do with myself other than read alot of the time.

Think about it, its a wide world out there and you do not have financial commitments, a simple example would be to say, flights are cheap and breaks and holidays to places you may have read about or have caught your attentions.

I moved country and effectively severed connection with friends from my teen and universtity years: It happens, its part of life that people change and move on.
I don't get into the macho who i scored etc etc either, it is juts little boys in p*ssing contests and counting notches on bed posts. But in terms of girlfriends, if you consider it to be an interaction between to human beings on an intimate level then it is one of the most wonderful experienses somenoe could have.
But to do so, there is one grain of truth in what you say, but not from the way you mean. You are right in that a grilfriend will not make you happy, it is you that will do that.

Sometimes making small talk is what being friends is about, sometimes it is just saying to somenoe that hey here is my number if you want to go out lets, but leaving it at that and not haveing expectations on either side that you have to fulfill.

It all stems down to one fact, and you have stated it, you feel hollow, you havent really looked at your self closely. At the risk of being a little metaphysical, your inner self. Gone back to connecting and sussing out who you are. It calls for introsepction and can be a painful meditative process, but once you begin to do that you will then begin to turn it outward and find some value again.

How do you begin that? I look at myself and see just a very selfish person. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of warmth in me.

You mentioned travelling, but I really can't see myself doing it-I still am anxious in unfamiliar surroundings, and "adventure" seems just hassle and stress to me. I'm beiing negative, I know. I don't know where to begin.

Marksie

feelin' alone wrote:

How do you begin that? I look at myself and see just a very selfish person. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of warmth in me.

That is your preconceptions.

How do you begin, well it won't happen overnight and certainly for most people its a gradual process. The thing to note is that many juts drift on in the same process for many years.

The beginning is the wondering about yourself and what you want. So in essence you have commenced the process.

Again, i will be dealing from a presonal perspective somewhat to try and give you some idea, but the first steps were taken years ago when i simply bagan looking in a mirror and saking myself what and who i saw there. That open self evalutation was the starting point.

I saw things i liked and thigs that could be improved, I also learned to accept things about myself and be entirely comfortable with who i was at that time. I STILL reassess at regular intervals, as with time things do change and ideas, goals and experience develop.

Cretainoy who I am now is completely different from say 5 years ago, hell its different from 6 months ago.

But like yourself i went through phases of inactivity. The choice is then to sit, not really being part of the world around or to actually face your percieved fears and stresses.

You dont have to suddenly take off to machu pichu on a whim, but planning a simple weekend away and being determined to go on it, would be a start.

You are simply in your own head and looking for excuses NOT to do something. Easy to do when deep inside you are actually scared of confronting yourself. Which is what you have to do.

How to do it? Well the simplest and most direct is to look in the mirror and do an open critical evaluation of who you are. Strip aside all the negatives, the no ways, the i can't think, the fall back lies and the reasons for not doing things and then begin to relayer on the other side, the positives, the pluses about yourself, what you like doing if you reqad, can you write, if you love books what stops you writing short stories? (it is not meant to be a literal example but there are writing groups, hell another idea just popped into my mind, there are groups who love reading books and then start getting together and evaluationg) it is not an attempt for me to self aggrandize, more as an attempt to get you thinking differently, i aml iterally thinking as i write, hence the crap spellings. But in thinking about your situatioj wioth the books, insteda of becoming an introspectinve books are my solace and prop style of person, i turned it into, what can i apply my love of books to. It is a frame of mind in otherwords... a difference in outlook a complete reverse.

OK introspection IS good at times, i achieve mine through meditation and pretty much listen what i am telling myself about things.
I set goals, challenging but achievable. I would not say i dont look back, i do, but only as a means of helping me to navigate a chart forward( or ideed to look at if life experience has taught me anythng of value to the boardsies with issues). In your case it means looking back not with regret at what you have or have not done with your life so far. But detremining where you could ahve improved your lot or succesfully avoided a situation or even which path you should have taken.

If you cannot do that initially by yourself, then seek professional advice, not a counsellor or therapist. But perhaps a priactical solution like a life coach initially, someone trained to help you move forward.

That is my euros worth lol
best of luck

KyussBishop

Here are a few other sites/forums specifically for people with these problems:
http://www.social-anxiety-community.org/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
http://www.rmrm.org.uk/

I don't know how helpful they will be to you (if at all) but they are worth a look.