it's time to break up :(

LegacyUser

hi
that's the first time i go unreg, and I hope to get your help or a piece of advice.
I'm in a relationship with my gf for 2 years now, she is great but love faded and i still wonder how happened. Well, the point is not why love is gone but how to deal with this relationship that it's over for me.
She is sweet, nice and she loves me a lot, she has many plans for the future (a house together, children, marriage) but I look into her eyes and I feel nothing into my heart.
I have no guts to tell her that it's finished because this will destroy her life and I'm a big part of it (we work also in the same office, not same dept fortunately). I feel so bad 'coz i'd like to find a way to break up without big drama but i know it is impossible.
I'm going to destroy her dreams, I'm going to make her life miserable at home and in the office and she doesn't deserve all of this s*it...But she deserves a boy who can love her more than i do, so i can't postpone this break up any longer.
please give me an advice, tell me the right words to say or something that i need to do to ease her pain.
I feel awful.

Beruthiel

Just sit her down and tell her.
There are no words that exist which will ease her pain.

Miss Fluff

No "script" for this kind of thing unfortunately. You'll just have to be as honest as possibly while sparing her feelings as much as you can. Don't be a sh1t and go back for break-up f8cks though, that wouldn't be fair. Make a nice clean break of it. Horrible being in your position, you'll feel better when you've done it though. No point in staying in it for the sake of it.

txt_mess

Have to say at least you have realised early enough before your future plans have kicked in. Tell her the truth it will be messy but I don't know of a breakup that isn't. If you do act the right thing you may even end up being friends in the future.

Gumbyman

Is there someone else?

LegacyUser

Gumbyman wrote:

Is there someone else?

no there isn't.
the love is gone and I'm still trying to figure out how it happened.
I look at her and I feel empty, i don't want to spend a lot of time with her, I feel quite better when she is out for work, I find myself attracted by other girls, but i would never cheat on her and I'm not going to be involved into another relationship any time soon.
The more i notice these things the more i feel sad and sorry, it's like i can control my feelings any more.

LegacyUser

sosad74 wrote:

no there isn't.
the love is gone and I'm still trying to figure out how it happened.
I look at her and I feel empty, i don't want to spend a lot of time with her, I feel quite better when she is out for work, I find myself attracted by other girls, but i would never cheat on her and I'm not going to be involved into another relationship any time soon.
The more i notice these things the more i feel sad and sorry, it's like i can control my feelings any more.

sorry, I meant to write: it's like i can't control my feelings any more.

Maple

There's no easy way to tell her. Just sit her down and tell her you don't want to be with her anymore.

Be honest with her and don't play any mind games.

It will hurt her at first but if you are honest and upfront, she will have alot more respect for you.

pwd

You say you work in the same place and implied that you live together, and you say you feel better when she's out.

It sounds to me like you just see far too much of her and your relationship has sunk into extreme mundanity for you as a result. It may be true that if you had some space from her you would rekindle things.

If you're sure, you're sure, but I wouldn't rush into breaking up with her as you have given no criticisms of her and you have been with her two years.

It often seems to be that nice people hold the attention of their partners less successfully because there are less big emotional emotional dramas.

You could suggest you spend more time on activities apart from each other and say you think you see too much of each other. It might improve things, and if it doesn't, it might at least give her some warning, so it won't be completely out of the blue if you do break up.

Gumbyman

Get this done fast. The longer you leave it the messier it will get. As somebody said here, just sit her down and explain it. Make sure she understands that it's not anythign she's done. You have just changed somehow.

Lola123

Speaking from the other side (think I was in the same position as your girlfriend a while ago), it will be upsetting for her (and you), but honesty is the best policy. There's no point in trying to spare her feelings too much as it only prolongs things. You need to tell her that you don't have the same hopes for the future that she does. I would recommend avoiding contact in so far as possible, difficult as you work together. Don't go out drinking together etc. Don't be rude either.
If it's any consolation. I'm still on good terms with my ex. You can't help how you feel, and as hurt as your girlf will be, you haven't done anything wrong so in time she'll appreciate your honesty and perhaps you can be friends in the future.

Mighty_Mouse

but I look into her eyes and I feel nothing into my heart.
I have no guts to tell her

Sounds like a bad TV movie!!
Do people really have a physical reaction in their hearts to looking into someones pupils?
Optometrist's must find love daily so!

I feel so bad 'coz i'd like to find a way to break up without big drama but i know it is impossible.

If she's deep into you then its impossible.
Due to the following as you correctly state:

I'm going to destroy her dreams, I'm going to make her life miserable at home and in the office and she doesn't deserve all of this s*it.

But she deserves a boy who can love her more than i do, so i can't postpone this break up any longer.

Not exactly.. This statement always wrecks my head!!! Passes the responsiblity..
She deserves you to love her.
What makes you think she'll just switch to some other loveable guy?

Please give me an advice, tell me the right words to say or something that i need to do to ease her pain.
I feel awful

Hope I havent come across too harsh above.
The point is there's no magic formula.

If you dont feel like you love the girl any more, just tell her so.
If you're truly honest about your fellings in an non-movie type way then thats all you can do.

Dont get too hung up on bs as above.

And dont worry. She'll freak-out, then hate you, then love you, then hate you.....................etc
Good chance yer relationship is dead. (even as friends)

But in time she'll be ok and probably remember the fact that you were honest if nothing else

Caliden

You could act like a dickhead and make her do the breaking up so she feels instead of losing the man she loved she has lost someone who didn't mean anything to her near the end of the relationship and would be glad to be rid of you.

Either that or you're going to have to tell her and by the sounds of it it will devastate her seeing as she's thinking of kids!

Just don't leave her the impression that there's any hope left after the breakup because you would only be stringing the poor girl on.

Gumbyman

Actually, you could go for some sort of relationship counselling. 2 years is a long time. Maybe you ahve forgotten that you love her.

LegacyUser

hi,

i was like you once, except i was with her 3 years. i did the rotten thing wereby i made her split up with me. i just went cold, stopped bothering and eventually she ended although she was stupid and new what my game was.

there is no ideal way to end it. what amazes me is that the other person in the relationship never knows or can never see it coming, was i that good at pretending to be happy?

now im with someone and again im starting to feel the same way. this time i reached the 4 year mark. lol i dont know whats wrong with me.

davyjose

You won't destroy her life (although she might feel you have for a while), but if you leave it, and don't, then you will destroy it.

Jazz Maverick

just go round her place one night, have a romantic meal with all the candles, soppy music etc.

Then, as you close in for a kiss, spit in her face, scream 'YOU'RE DUMPED', slap your todger round her face and run away laughing like a nutjob. Believe me, she wont miss you.

easyontheeye

Jazz Maverick wrote:

just go round her place one night, have a romantic meal with all the candles, soppy music etc.

Then, as you close in for a kiss, spit in her face, scream 'YOU'RE DUMPED', slap your todger round her face and run away laughing like a nutjob. Believe me, she wont miss you.

hmmmm any minute now... i smell a banning

Jazz Maverick

a banning?

I offer some friendly advice to the boy and thats what i get in return?!

I am outraged.

sweet-rasmus

as said, you just have to talk to her. nobody enjoys being in your situation but you can't ignore your feelings. stop putting off what needs to be said.

Shinners23

Op - it is an awful situation to be in but I commend you for having the balls and the respect for her to want to finish it. I'm sorry but I work in an industry that is FULL of cheats - like you wouldn't believe. in fact I have lost all faith in the opposite sex -

Not easy way of doing it but in the long run its for the best.

Best of luck

Mr Hyde

invite her to a threesome and when she turns up she'll find out that it's just you.
It's at this point that you can sit her down and confess your schizophrenia.

Nevyn

Jazz Maverick banned, soon to be site banned.

Nevyn

Mr Hyde off topic and unhelpful postings will get you banned rom this forum
read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.

Electric

I am curious, I get why you are looking for advice, but have you tried talking to your gf about how things have changed between you and maybe see if anything can be done to save your relationship? You obviously didn't fall outta love with her overnight.

Is there any chance of saving things or are you just looking to finish it and move on?

Personally if I found out that my bf had gone online looking for advice rather than talk to me about it I would be so devasted! I don't mean to put a guilt trip on you it's just that if he wasn't happy or had things that needed to be sorted I would expect that he would come to me first

Anna23

Simple very simple, just break up with her. She will hate u for it, and maybe throw all ur things in the street or even worse burn them (seen it being done) or if u have a car, well paint all over it (seen that as well). So when u do break up make sure that ur personal belongings are in a safe place away from her "anger".

Just DO IT, theres no nice way to break up with someone who still has feelings for you!

Be a man and at least tell the truth..... Good luck ... cause u will need it

Idbatterim

hey Op, the situation sucks we have all been ther or will be there, your wondering why your feelings change, they just do its nothing you control, of course you can go down the logical pros and cons route of being in a relationship, but you really dont have much control over your gut feelings for the other half. Im just out of a 3 year relationship and it was my first serious one, it took me months to break up with her, like you i knew it would destroy her. In the end i knew it had to be done, there are better times than others, but there is no great time. Im not going to go out and tell you to do it asap or then or then. I stayed in the relationship for quite a while after i knew where it was heading, in some ways just to confirm to myself that it was the right thing to do, as silly as it may sound. Atleast you sound sure that it is the right thing to do, now it is just a case of doing it. I know this is a stereotype but it isnt fair on your or her, i hear it so many times here on boards. Of course I felt like crap for the first week especially, but at the moment I feel fantastic, can do what i want when i want. Also know I have been honest to her and myself and we can get on with things... good luck...

Idbatterim

hey Op, the situation sucks we have all been ther or will be there, your wondering why your feelings change, they just do its nothing you control, of course you can go down the logical pros and cons route of being in a relationship, but you really dont have much control over your gut feelings for the other half. Im just out of a 3 year relationship and it was my first serious one, it took me months to break up with her, like you i knew it would destroy her. In the end i knew it had to be done, there are better times than others, but there is no great time. Im not going to go out and tell you to do it asap or then or then. I stayed in the relationship for quite a while after i knew where it was heading, in some ways just to confirm to myself that it was the right thing to do, as silly as it may sound. Atleast you sound sure that it is the right thing to do, now it is just a case of doing it. I know this is a stereotype but it isnt fair on your or her, i hear it so many times here on boards. Of course I felt like crap for the first week especially, but at the moment I feel fantastic, can do what i want when i want. Also know I have been honest to her and myself and we can get on with things... good luck...

jellie

ive been on the other side of the situation. my ex didnt love me anymore, but couldnt tell me. so instead he got drunk & kissed a randomer, the 1 thing he knew would guarantee getting dumped. i would not suggest going down this road, only makes the whole thing hurt 1000 times more..

you have to at least discuss it with her & tell her you feel. maybe you can sort it out, maybe you cant, but tell her whats going on in your head. As much as she may love you, nobody wants to be in a relationship where theyre not loved (or so I would presume anyway..)

good luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys
thank you for all your suggestions, I kinda feel better reading them... and thanks for banning 2 @rseholes...

Electric wrote:

I am curious, I get why you are looking for advice, but have you tried talking to your gf about how things have changed between you and maybe see if anything can be done to save your relationship? You obviously didn't fall outta love with her overnight.

Is there any chance of saving things or are you just looking to finish it and move on?

Personally if I found out that my bf had gone online looking for advice rather than talk to me about it I would be so devasted! I don't mean to put a guilt trip on you it's just that if he wasn't happy or had things that needed to be sorted I would expect that he would come to me first

you are right, I should have talked to her first, but I wanted to clear my mind before to confess my doubts and get her panicking...
The point is that I can't blame her for anything, she is so nice and good to me but I feel that "something" is missing. I spent months to know what is that "something" and I couldn't find it. I might sound shallow, but I try many times to sort the things out going to holidays together, doing different stuff and it worked only for few hours, then it all came back to the same depressing situation. I felt like i was going crazy, but I realized that maybe there is no explanation, it would be easier if she was a witch or a complete selfish bimbo...
Am the only one who stopped to love the gf for no reasons??? I really dunno!!!
fortunately we don't live together, but maybe this is the right time to move out from this country and do a fvur to both of us.

CathyMoran

You can fall out of love, I did with my husband but we got it back after a break and a wake up call. You could try splitting up for 6 months and see how you feel after that?