Humour: Advice from the Other Side

Dennis the Stone

You may have just finished reading Ulysses, or you may be half-way through the Canterbury Tales and wandered to this article during a period of relaxation or even boredom. I assure you however that the following brief piece is without doubt the most important thing you will ever read as it reveals important details of Divine matters. I am aware that at this point efforts are probably being made to trace me in order to forcibly remove me to an institution for psychological assessment; however I am completely certain that in time this narrative will be found to be completely truthful and accurate. I ask the reader to leave aside doubts of my mental condition for a moment and instead to entertain the notion that there are things in life which are so utterly elusive to the human mind that any number of theories, however reasonable or unreasonable, will not add anything to a definitive understanding. Understanding of the deeper workings of the universe will not be imparted to human subjects during their earthly life, whether they be bishops or bricklayers. There is always the chance however, and religious people are certain of this, that the mysteries we see fit to brood over during our time on earth will be revealed to us after we die. I can categorically say that yes, there is a lot more to come beyond our time down here.

Owing to certain revelations which were made known to me in the brief period between my first and second lives, I can offer a small appetizer of the wonderful knowledge that all of us will receive when it is our time. Every one of us, regardless of our religion (or perhaps lack of it), are at some stage in our lives switched to philosophical mode, if only for just a moment. The question ‘what is the meaning of life?’ has a nasty little habit of popping up in our minds at the most inconvenient of times, as if there were not enough problems to grapple with that at least offer a chance of solution. An answer to a question such as this, a question encompassing every sphere of life, from the workings of the human heart right through to the ingredients for unconditional happiness, would have an effect similar to the effect of a bus ploughing into a wall of cupcakes. If the whole intangible web of philosophical questions became unravelled in the morning, the world would hardly manage to continue as before: the anti-climatic experience of the masses as they finally realise that there really are no higher meanings left to ponder would be dangerously overwhelming. For this reason, amongst others, I am not going to reveal any earth-shattering details of my time in the presence of the Creator. I have of course above revealed that I am currently living my second life. You can deduce from this that there is a system of re-incarnation in operation but I assure you that it is only one of the many ways that things might transpire after you expire on earth.

There does indeed exist a higher state of being, commonly referred to as ‘heaven’ in various theological musings but that this is not at all guaranteed to anyone, however they live their lives. You may be surprised to learn that we have grossly underestimated our animal friends and that they are more aware of their feelings than any carnivore would be comfortable with. If it wasn’t for a certain incident many millions of years ago, then our systematic slaughter and consumption of thousands of species of animal would be a crime which we would pay for dearly on our day of reckoning. This incident, to the best of my knowledge, had the result of earning almost all animals, excluding humans and horses, an eternal punishment and for this reason the majority of animals are destined to be subservient to more developed species, such as ourselves. This is hardly justification for eating meat, but it may be comforting for those of you who would rather cut off your toes than eat nothing but vegetables. Meat is not murder.

Another thing I have learned is that there really is no right or wrong religion, no more than there is a right or wrong way to dress. Having said that, it is not appropriate to be in a state of nudity around children, something which my uncle might have liked to have known back in 1986 when that embarrassing incident on the train occurred, but that is neither here nor there. Come to think of it, my uncle’s unmentionables were here there and everywhere before he was wrestled to the ground but I will refrain from recounting anecdotes from my own life as they are of no relevance to you. In short, practise a religion if you must, but be aware that other religions are as valid as yours. Bible-bashing and fundamentalism in any shape of form is a waste of your time and quite possibly your money too. While I’m on the subject of money, it really is a human concoction. Do not let it rule you, for it really is of no value over and above allowing us to feed and clothe ourselves.

The final thing I would advise you to do is to take a day off from whatever work you do and occupy yourself in planting a tree. This is not so much related to the environment and the welfare of the planet, but rather something which will work in your favour one day. You will learn why. It is the single most beneficial thing you can do for yourself, for reasons which I won’t go into. I am not going to weigh your conscience down with a litany of rights and wrongs because, as I have already said, you are not guaranteed a reward for any deeds you may do. You will certainly be called to account for gross violations of the order of the universe but you cannot worm your way into heaven by trying to outdo other people’s good. Furthermore, moral high-grounds lead to fundamentalism and fundamentalism is wrong. Apart from holding yourself back from murder and sexual depravity, you need not worry yourself with trying to achieve sainthood.

To come to a conclusion, plant trees and don’t ever forget that this life is only the first step in a long, long walk. I know because I’ve taken that first step. I leave you now to go plant a tree. Trust me, plant trees.

P.S. Do not eat onions. I know something about them that you don’t.

sunny2004

Have you had a stroke ?
edit...
Sorry, this is in fact my first time in the creative writing section !

I just realised

Dennis the Stone

mct1

An accomplished and amusing piece of writing, Kemp. You succeeded in making me smile more than once on this Tuesday morning whilst I prepare to leave for the NCT that my 15 year old car is guaranteed to fail. Well done.

highlydebased

Well done.....thats very good. Made me laugh...