Living in London and lonely

catherine22

i was thinking of going unreg for this but decided to just bite the bullet and post as myself. basically i moved to london about 2 weeks ago and whilst i love living in london and i love my job and the people i live with. i dont really know anyone outside of a few cousins i have over here. i am finding it hard making friends- i know people will say join clubs, etc and i have- i have joined the gym and a pilates class but (no offence intended) english people arent exactly friendly. the job that i am doing is only temporary so it is hard to make friends at work. i was wondering if anyone had any similiar experiences and how you worked through them

ps i posted here instead of boards.org.uk because it doesnt seem to be very popular.

muppetkiller

How on earth would you meet a friend in the Gym ?
That's the last place I'd expect anyone to meet some chums.
I'm sure there's loads of Ex-Pat societies and things like that over there ..
Have you tried meeting people online via myspace or that kind of thing ?

Blisterman

Why don't you give this person a message? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055121877

Floppybits

Hi Catherine, Ive been there. I use to live in Bristol a good few years ago and when I first moved over I had the same problem. I like living and working there but outside of work I had no friends. What I did to get round this was work part time in a bar at the weekends. That way I wasnt stuck home alone and I was in a place where I can meet people. I have to say it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I got to know loads of people those that worked in the bar and those that were customers. Before too long I had built up a good circle of friends from both work and the bar. I didnt look on the bar job as work but as some fun, kinda like working away during summer holidays say. I have to say I was also a member in the gym and I never made any friends in there. Maybe bar work is not for you but I think it is this kind of envoirement where you will get to meet people and make friends. Remember it takes a bit of time before you will make friends.

That my two cents. I hope this helps.

Kali

I've been over in the UK for about 18 months now... I enjoy work and my workmates are all extremely sound, and I'd consider them all friends but unfortunaly all married and with kids, so socially work's a bit dead really I find I just like to keep myself busy... I head to a lot gigs in the City, go kite-surfing, just getting into photography (still looking for a course that won't break the bank), go to a few motor-races, jog/run/cycle, spend money ... there's lots to do .. especially in London, sure it might be a bit lonely at first but just suggest things to work-ppl or those you live with to see if they're interested in anything you'd like to do and you'll hopefully be sorted.

catherine22

i didnt mean that i wanted to meet people in the gym, i just meant that i am not always sitting in by myself- that i am out meeting people. obviously he gm is a hard place to meet people (even in the classes in the gym that i go to)

louisecm

Its only been 2 weeks, give yourself a chance. I'm in the same position, just moved to Galway and yet to make friends really (its been 6 weeks), but I have to keep the faith! And so do you. You'll find them.

blah

I've been here about 6 months and don't really know that many people. Find it hard to make friends really. I intended on getting involved in a couple of sports clubs but I injured my foot, so I've put that off for a few months. Anyway, I keep telling myself I'll do a course of something, photography or first aid..I think the english aren't as gregarious as us, back in ireland there were always people looking to go pinting on a friday evening, that's rare here.

Anyway, it's only been 2 weeks so I'm sure you'll get the hang of things soon.

and boards.org.uk is pretty dead, hope it picks up eventually.

Canis Lupus

Two weeks is not enough time.... Bear with it and soon you'll be grand. You're flatmates are your first line of socialising... Have you asked them to the pub/cinema/whatever? Get involved with the flatmates and their friends and soon you'll build up a network.

I'm lucky in that I very often socialise outside of work with my colleagues etc but even then I've never minded being on my own so when I have nothing to do I'm perfectly happy to grab a book/jump on the pc.

Maple

its only been 2 weeks, give it time. Think you posted in that other thread, some people there offered to hook up with you, give them a PM. Nothing to lose!

jdivision

To be honest, I've always found English people more approachable than Irish people. It's going to take up to three months to become fully adjusted though, it's a major move. Come home a few times at weekends while you're getting used to it.

nads

london is a toilet, you can't even look at anyone on the packed underground, i lived over there, it's terrible, the english are sound but london is a get-in get-out lifestyle, people taking what they can, my friend is still living over there and he's only now finally coming around to the reality of it

Having said that it's only been 2 weeks girl

Thaiking

Hi there,

Moved over 5 months ago myself after landing a job in the city..I was lucky in that the gf lives in the UK so I was able to keep busy the first few months or so!

Other than my London based Irish friends from home and work colleagues I couldn't say I have made many real friends yet, then again unless you're out socialising with different people, joining societies, clubs or networking it's rarely going to happen on it's own. Personally I'm to busy settling in to my new place, job, life etc to be out making loads of new friends but I'm here for the long term so not too worried about it yet..

If you're feeling lonely there's so much on offer here to keep you busy and take your mind of it, not sure where you live but you could always hop on a tube and check out what's going on in other areas.


Good luck

Rb

Go dogging. From what I've heard, it's the new "thing to do".

j/k.

Take up a night course in the local college or something, something you'd enjoy and you're bound to meet people through that.

Miss Fluff

Whooooaaaaa there OP! You've only been in London two weeks!!! Yes, it is a big city and can be daunting, I remember when I spent some time there I HATED Sundays. However, you do have cousins so why not go out with them as much as possible and get to meet their friends and use the opportunity to talk to randomers while having the comfort blanket of back-up!! The English are very friendly imo, but as someone pointed out, you are not going to meet people at the gym. Go out and have fun and you'll meet tonnes of people. It will be easier too when you settle into a more permanent job. Salsa classes are also a good fun way to meet people.

Red Alert

Second the point about dancing classes - i went to this swing dance class in Dublin last year and it was great for meeting randomers. Salsa's great for meeting people too

The Sweeper

The post-emigration lonliness is one of the most difficult things to overcome when you move. I don't know if it's because travel has become so much more accessible and cheap in the last few years, and therefore so much more affordable - or perhaps it's because most peope who travel for a year aren't emigrating, or trying to settle down with any seriousness, and they're always surrounded by like-minded people - anyway, the bottom line is that moving country leaves you friendless by definition. People seem to forget that before they move.

And it's not easy to make new friends as an adult. The old "join a gym" line is fine - but it's not like even social situations are set up full of gregarious people dying to be your friend. You've got to do the work yourself. It's not like school or college where everyone is looking for pals and everyone is in the same place - YOU are the newbie, YOU are the one trying to break into the clique.

A lot of it comes down to your own interpersonal skills. People forget how hard it is to make friends, because often times you won't have had to do it for years, because you've got your own circle of mates. You seriously have to dust off your skills and work at making friends.

When you're talking to people, remember to ask them questions. That may sound silly, but when you emigrate you're full of your own issues and your own life - you're all "I've just moved, all this stuff's happening to me, me me me." Oftentimes you'll let people do all the asking, and suddenly they'll know your name, your migration history, you'll have volunteered information about your family (usually on the basis that you miss them) and you'll have told them your working situation. And you'll know their name... and sod all else.

Ask questions. Learn the art of conversation. Find out if they're from the area, or if they moved, and what they do for fun. Ask them if they go out, where they go, what there is to do in the area - you're not being a stalker, you're just trying to get to know people. (And frankly your shamelessly angling for an invite - you HAVE to.)

What I mean is simple things - when you start talking to someone, be it in a gym, or at a class, or in work, or whatever, you HAVE to put yourself out there and suggest something external to your job/class/exercise routine - for instance, ask them if they want to get a cup of coffee/a drink (whatever is appropriate) after work/class. And EXCHANGE CONTACT DETAILS with them -if they haven't run away after ten minutes, chances are they don't think you're a freak. Ask for their number. Offer yours.

And preprare to be rejected. It's nearly as bad as dating in that way - but you HAVE TO HAVE YOUR OWN FRIENDS. There's no point getting hit on by some guy, starting to date him because you're lonely and suddenly you're in a position where you have no mates and it's just all his mates and you realise if you break up with him you lose your whole new life.

I feel for you, catherine22, I really do. I'm doing the same thing at the moment down here in Australia. I've made a bunch of contacts, but I live in the arsehole of nowhere so I REALLY have to make an effort to get out and see people - and it's a 60k, one-hour train trip when I do, so it's not like I can get them to call over for a glass of wine and some shite talking some evening.

But if you don't make the effort, it gets harder and harder and you get isolation-enforced shyness.

It takes time - a damn sight more than two weeks - and it's hard work. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but trust me, you're not alone, and it's not like you're the only one who has this problem!

It's difficult - SUCKY difficult - to make new friends. But if you work at it, you'll get there.

Civilian_Target

Its always like that when you move somewhere new. When you get over the excitement of your new environment and its not as cool as you hoped, and you don't have lots of friends. Guess what, you're going to have to make an effort! You're going to have to be friendly and even a little bit clingy to those who are responsive in order to make new friends.

Help yourself though, I'm in London too, there's loads of things to do. Even tonight, you could go to the proms and maybe meet people there or on the tube either direction.

Another good thing you should do is call in on your immediate neighbours. Theres a chance they'll be lonely too!

milod

...in London and had the time of my life. But the English are slow-burners - they take time to make friends and it's only been 2 weeks...

Most of my friends in London were other immigrants of one sort or another - especially Kiwis and Aussies (they're more like us!).

As Nads said though, London is a get in/get out sorta place that empties on the weekends when many Londoners go to their distant suburbs or country homes.

Most people are in London to make money, not friends, so you have to put yourself where you're likely to meet people - The Tate and Saatchi Galleries are a great place to, er, meet friends. All you have to do is stare at a piece of work and look intelligent - believe me someone will strike up a conversation

kluivert

Head down to the London Irish rubgy club or now to the GAA grounds there.

My relatives live in Surrey just south of London and trust me theres plenty of Irish there.

D.S.

Hi there,

I have been in London nearly a year now and it took me the best part of 3 months before the place felt like home. Initially, it was hard to meet people. It wasn't until after several weeks that I really felt like I had found a group of friends who I could hang about with. It is going to be slow as you are starting afresh in a new city. You are quite lucky that you have a few cousins whereas I started over here without knowing anybody. You should first of all go out with your cousins and keep in touch with them and their friends. It's a huge plus that they are there and they might be able to introduce you to a whole host of people.

Throw yourself out there and get talking to everybody - from work colleagues to neighbours to friends-of-friends. I don't believe that English people are unfriendly but I do think that when you initiate conversation yourself with as many people as you can you will find that most are quite open and friendly - they simply don't initiate conversation as easily as we do which is not suprising in a city of 8 million. Work is the best place to start. Even if the environment is not that easy to make friends, try and go to any social events the company might throw or any after work get-togethers. From my own experience, I would organise after-work drinks/dinners with people I met and I quickly made friends. The fact your work is temporay shouldn't be an issue. If anything, it can be an advantage as you can get to know a larger and more diverse range of people more quickly when you move roles.

Take up a couple of hobbies that involve interacting with other people. The suggestion of salsa by Red Alert is a great idea. I have been doing it myself on and off for some time and it's a great way to meet people. There are salsa classes all over the city. I've been to the lessons in Digress bar in Moorgate and found it good craic and got to know a lotta people there. Take up team sports also. You are less likely to make friends in gyms or pilates classes.

Finally, just be patient. As long as you keep chatting openly to everybody you meet, you will eventually find that you are being asked along to different events, and if you aren't, you should try and arrange to meet up with people you do know. Personally, my golden rule was to avoid going home at all costs. Sitting at home watching tv etc will only make things harder. Plan your evenings so that you are constantly out and about (whether at museums, exhibitions, dance classes, taking up a new sport etc). Avoid situations where you are more likely to be on your own and you will quickly make friends. It just takes a little more effort and thought on your part the first few months.

Best o' luck.

englander

Interesting hearing the experiences above.

From another perspective I packed up my world and came over to to Ireland from England and experienced very similar things to the above but in Ireland.
And I was thinking it was the unfriendly Irish !

I was thinking how hard it was to make friends over here. I get on with people (work and neighbours) but people dont seem interested to allow new foreign people into their lives. (by that I mean going out for a pint !).

In England wherever I worked there was a great social atmosphere with pints being the norm on a Friday and friends form.

Where I work here, it is a very special event if anyone wants to go out after work at all (maybe 3-4 times a year). They go back to their respective places to go out with their long term friends or home to their family.

I would have long left here if it wasn't for a certain lady friend of mine who happens to live in these parts.

I am now resigned to the fact that I will remain mostly friendless whilst living in Ireland. Which is a shame.

r3nu4l

OP start posting on boards.org.uk. Seriously.

I know some people living in London who do not post on boards at all. If you post on boards.org.uk you will find people living in London who may want to meet up. In fact it may be about time for another London beers!

I'll post on boards.org.uk about setting one up! I know that a lot of the lads there live in London so that might be a start for you.

As for clubs etc. the gym and things like yoga pilates etc aren't the right things to be doing because interaction is limited and once the class is over most people just shower and go home, you need either a team sport where you interact with people a lot or some kind of discussion group/book club/writing group.

I was in a writing group for a while and made some friends through that. I was lucky because my wife works in a very large academic institution and we have made loads of friends through that connection It can be very hard though because when I was commuting from Cambridge to London for work I made no friends at all and that was a bummer.

/off-topic: Come over to boards.org.uk and that goes for the rest of you living in or who are from the UK. Only with your presence can the site grow

Sleepy

OP, can't offer much except empathy. I found moving to Dublin from Galway to be a very similar experience. Been up here four years now and to be honest, my social life only improved drastically through old friends moving up here, getting to know some people I already knew better and the odd person from work I'd meet for pints. It's hard going from a college/hometown environment where you know everyone to a new place where you don't know anyone, particularly when it's a big city.

There are a fair few users here who live in London and r3nu4l's offer of starting another London beers is something you should definitely accept and attend.

Making new friends is harder as we get older and raise our guards against what's new and strange. It can be done though, I think the key to it is sometimes dropping your own guards more and letting others know that you're open to making new friends