Mad About Friend Who Is A Mother And Is Pregnant?

Volvoboy

Right so heres the situation, went to school with this girl, she fell preganant at the age of 18 and is now preganant again by the same fella, who has moved into his ''other'' girlfriends house, and dosent want to see or hear of either kids who are born and unborn. And i'm mad about this girl what to do, she is always friendly and we always have a good time together and a laugh??




Opionions, Advice, Experence, on the situation plz:)




-VB-

Tchocky

Wah, it's threee or four PI threads in one

Do you think she has any idea about you?

Volvoboy

I dont know, we're always txt'ing eachother, when were out she is always in my company and we have a chat and a bit of a flirt.



-VB-

Gran Hermano

Sounds like she's more baggage than a Samsonite factory, I'd keep my
distance as based on her previous form with this chap it'll only be a matter
of time before she's expecting rugrat #4 for him. My money is on you
ending up providing the emotional support to her whilst he still
provides the essential 'servicing'. Start walking!

Volvoboy

Gran Hermano wrote:

Sounds like she's more baggage than a Samsonite factory, I'd keep my
distance as based on her previous form with this chap it'll only be a matter
of time before she's expecting rugrat #4 for him. My money is on you
ending up providing the emotional support to her whilst he still
provides the essential 'servicing'. Start walking!

I've been thinking this but the heart thinks diffrent:(



-VB-

Gran Hermano

Volvoboy wrote:

I've been thinking this but the heart thinks diffrent:(



-VB-

I know some Boardsie may feel I was a tad blunt in my previous post, but
there's no point in pussyfooting about, your head is telling you what's right.
You know deep down it is. You're only young once and you don't need the grief
that this situation will most likely lead to.

Like cars there's plenty of other women out there

Volvoboy

Gran Hermano wrote:

I know some Boardsie may feel I was a tad blunt in my previous post, but
there's no point in pussyfooting about, your head is telling you what's right.
You know deep down it is. You're only young once and you don't need the grief
that this situation will most likely lead to.

Like cars there's plenty of other women out there

Yea your right Mr Hermano just have to convince the heart of that fact


Thanks!:)



-VB-

Wibbs

Gran Hermano wrote:

I know some Boardsie may feel I was a tad blunt in my previous post, but
there's no point in pussyfooting about, your head is telling you what's right.
You know deep down it is. You're only young once and you don't need the grief
that this situation will most likely lead to.

Like cars there's plenty of other women out there

Like he said. Run don't walk away from this. So she flirts with you? So she's friendly? So he doesn't treat her very well? Whoop de doo. The fact is he's doing the boyfriend thing with her, enough to impregnate her twice. You're not. Move on. In any case she'll likely go back for seconds(or is that thirds). Not worth the effort IMHO.

Lord Nikon

I don't know the girl, but she doesn't seem to have a clue what she's up to. She has a kid, with another on the way, and the fella has fecked off with someone else. Her baggage is not your problem.

Remember, these kids are going to want a father figure about, and she may be deperate to find a father figure too, and your around.

Do you want kids now. Do you want her pregnant with your sprog running about and 2 others running around you. You are only 20 remember.

Bottle_of_Smoke

YOu also have to remember how guilty you would feel if in 4 years time if you lost interest & both her kids saw you as their father.

What if i ten years time you want your own kids & she doesn't want any more.

Listen to the head.

Volvoboy

Damn wimmens!




*in BGRH fourm*



-VB-

Volvoboy

But its the ''There's somthing about her'' facor i have to overcome:( dunno what it is thats appeling to me about her, good looking girl, but there are better and more availabe ones??
HEAD IS MEALTED!!



-VB-

tuxy

Volvoboy wrote:

But its the ''There's somthing about her'' facor i have to overcome:( dunno what it is thats appeling to me about her, good looking girl, but there are better and more availabe ones??

Some guys are attracted to the damsel in distress type.
Do you want to be her knight in shining armour?

Volvoboy

No, just alway was attracted to her




-VB-

biko

For the time being, stick to being the supportive male friend. She's too much on her plate as it is without you doing a u-turn on her and trying to go from F to BF. Offer what help you can give and she should see what a pillar you are.
Wait at least a few months after the birth to make any moves so that she has time to adjust to the baby situation. My 2c. Best of luck anyway.

Volvoboy

biko wrote:

For the time being, stick to being the supportive male friend. She's too much on her plate as it is without you doing a u-turn on her and trying to go from F to BF. Offer what help you can give and she should see what a pillar you are.
Wait at least a few months after the birth to make any moves so that she has time to adjust to the baby situation. My 2c. Best of luck anyway.

I'll be keeping those 2c in mind


Thanks Biko:)



-VB-

ambman

get a grip man. one child and another on the way with same plonker. and now he is off with some other chick. and when she drops that one he will be back for more cause she is a push over. your only 20 go out have fun plenty of time for kids of your own and not this plonkers kids.

ps its the kids i feel sorry for cause she is as bad as him.
enjoy your cars and the women aswell. this is like getting stuck with a LADA.
i rest my case

Blush_01

I'd imagine that she'd probably freak if you told her. Think about it - you're a friend she has a laugh with and doesn't feel threatened by, while she keeps going back to the ex, who cares so much about her and the kids that he'd K-fed-ing it up with someone else. All of a sudden (to her) you turn around and confess your undying love for her, her friend who she could rely on is gone and all she has in its place is someone who wants something from her (even if you're not going to put any pressure on her about it), just like the other sh!t she's ended up having two kids by.

My advice? Sometimes things are better kept secret. In a few years, maybe. But in the forseeable future? Not if you want to talk to remain in frequent contact with her.

Guy:Incognito

Just one for th elads here to think about. Say you had 2 kids and the mother left. Would you then take the decision to not inflict your baggage on another woman and turn any advances down and stop looking for a relationship for the rest of your life?

aidan24326

We can't help who we feel attracted to and sometimes people will accept a bit of baggage with the right person. But a bird with 2 babies at your age, that is a lot of baggage. And however great you think she is, she has to be fcuking clueless to be be pregnant at her age for a second time. Once can be an unfortunate accident/mistake, twice is just plain stupid. Not saying it coouldn't work out, but at your age do you really need all that crap? She has no choice now. You do however, and you know what should be.

BTW, you don't even know she's interested in you so it may be all immaterial.

This all says NO with a flashing neon sign! Leave it be.

little miss

I think the best advice here is to bide your time, and see how things develop. If its meant to be, better wait for a while and make sure its something BOTH of you want. She needs time to get over the ex, to adjust to being single and to have the baby. Her hormones and emotions will be everywhere for a while. Just be a friend. Be supportive. Be there for her, but make sure you don't allow her to become too dependent. And then see if both of you have feeling for each other in a while. There's no need to rush this. But I don't think you need to run away from her either. Good luck!

Crumble Froo

if that was me as the girl... i dont think id exactly be able for a relationship. a good friend i can turn to and talk with, wehn im stressed/lonely/scared, someone to turn to then.

but i think the last thing that'd be good for anyone in her circumstance is a relationship, it's never gonna end well, and will only create more stress, probably on both sides.

Maple

biko wrote:

For the time being, stick to being the supportive male friend. She's too much on her plate as it is without you doing a u-turn on her and trying to go from F to BF. Offer what help you can give and she should see what a pillar you are.
Wait at least a few months after the birth to make any moves so that she has time to adjust to the baby situation. My 2c. Best of luck anyway.

great advice. but if her ex appears on the scene again, then leg it.

BaZmO*

Stekelly wrote:

Just one for th elads here to think about. Say you had 2 kids and the mother left. Would you then take the decision to not inflict your baggage on another woman and turn any advances down and stop looking for a relationship for the rest of your life?

I know the point you're trying to make but in fairness this situation in totally different as the person in question is actually pregnant at the moment. That's not baggage, that's a bleeding cargo haul.

And another thing, if you actually started something with this girl now you'd be getting with a pregnant chick. I'm sorry, but that's just weird!
If the OP feels the same maybe a year down the line and when she's had the little bundle of joy well then by all means go ahead but until then I'd stay waaaaay clear.

JABH

Well she deffo puts out

Marksie

JABH: Take time to read the charter as regards of topic unhelpful posting

regards
Mark

MrBaseball

I recommend you run far far away from this situation. It is totally not in your best interests and I'm pretty shocked reading some of the "just wait and see" responses here, which seem to come mostly from women. Listen, you're a young guy, why the hell would you want to be in a relationship with someone with 2 young kids? They should have a copy of your post beside all definitions of "beta male". It's actually depressing to read.

Also, if you have feelings for this girl, which you obviously do, get out of there, seriously. Forget about the "friendship", you're not obliged to be a councellor to someone who is messing up their own life, it will only mess with your own head in a way which will be quite detrimental to you, although you'll probably only realise that when it's too late if you stick around.

Is drama and stress really what a lot of people crave?

Blush_01 wrote:

I'd imagine that she'd probably freak if you told her. Think about it - you're a friend she has a laugh with and doesn't feel threatened by, while she keeps going back to the ex, who cares so much about her and the kids that he'd K-fed-ing it up with someone else. All of a sudden (to her) you turn around and confess your undying love for her, her friend who she could rely on is gone and all she has in its place is someone who wants something from her (even if you're not going to put any pressure on her about it), just like the other sh!t she's ended up having two kids by.

My advice? Sometimes things are better kept secret. In a few years, maybe. But in the forseeable future? Not if you want to talk to remain in frequent contact with her.

And why on earth should a guy who is attracted to her fill the role of shoulder to cry on and councellor? If she wants someone to turn to, she can ask her family, a female friend, or perhaps the samaritans. This guy owes her nothing. NOTHING. That is what often seems to get forgotten in these situations. It is no responsibility of this guy to try to sort out the fallout caused by some other guy who is acting like an asshole. He should look out for himself and not let his emotions make him act in a way that is absolutely not in his interest.

Slutmonkey57b

MrBaseball wrote:

This guy owes her nothing. NOTHING. That is what often seems to get forgotten in these situations. It is no responsibility of this guy to try to sort out the fallout caused by some other guy who is acting like an asshole. He should look out for himself and not let his emotions make him act in a way that is absolutely not in his interest.

Eh, that's just disturbing dude. Being around to help someone who needs it doesn't make you a loser, or a "beta" male, or anything less. In fact it makes you more than the "big man" who's only out to look after himself.

MrBaseball

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

Eh, that's just disturbing dude. Being around to help someone who needs it doesn't make you a loser, or a "beta" male, or anything less. In fact it makes you more than the "big man" who's only out to look after himself.

Disturbing?? How is it disturbing to suggest that a person might in certain social situations want to look after his own wellbeing? In this situation, the OP finds himself attracted to a woman who has a child and is pregnant. It is being suggested by some that he should just stick around and be a shoulder to cry on and provide emotional support to this woman. I fail to see the point of such martyrdom. Just because this woman is messing up her own life and has more baggage than is normal in situations where a guy is attracted to someone who isn't really interested, that doesn't mean that the advice he's given should necessarily be so different. Staying in this situation, where he is attracted to her, she is doing a good job of messing herself up, and she is attracted to an asshole, will not do the OP any favours. He needs to distance himself from this woman and let his emotions die down. He needs to find someone who is interested in him and does not come with such issues and baggage. What he does not need, is to hang around as a "friend" and act as a free councelor for her to vent her problems and frustrations(of which she will no doubt have many) on, while he's still secretly pining away for her.

If my suggestion that this is not in his best interests and that as a young man he should look out for himself sometimes and not feel obliged to solve situations that are not his doing is actually disturbing, I'd be interested in hearing you elaborate on just why that is.

This is not a case of being the "big man" but the suggestion that if this guy sticks around as a friend then he has some moral high ground is a delusion. If he sticks around, it will be in a large part motivated by his attraction to her, which will, as in other similar cases, make him seem more like some sort of pushover, than a selfless hero.

Wibbs

I have to agree with MrBaseball on most of what he writes. Beyond the obvious minefield that appears to be her life, he wants more, but she's unlikely to give it to him. He sticks around as her "friend" hoping for more and she'll just end up with someone who made it clear he wants what he wants from the start. If he wants to be her shrink and shoulder to cry on fine, but he obviously wants more. I tell you I walked away from the maybe if I'm her friend first nonsense a long time ago if I felt more for someone. You end up on a hiding to nothing. I've enough friends thanks very much. I wouldn't want another one that I want to sleep with but can't. Life's too short. Maybe that sounds harsh, but my life has been a lot less complicated since I made that change many moons ago. I see far too many younger guys doing that and all too often getting walked on or hurt when the feelings are not reciprocated.

And it could be described as beta male behaviour if a bit crudely applied. Why do you think some men are more successful in getting relationships and keeping relationships, where others founder regardless of looks and all other things considered? The successful ones are usually confident men who know what and who they want, make it clear, treat themselves and women with respect and won't be taken for a ride.

_Kaiser_

It's interesting how the opinion here seem to be pretty much uniform...

Men: Run.. run now!
Women: Wait and see.. be her friend. Don't pressure her.

Both positions have merit, but as the lads say, you're only 20 and this seems like a lot of hassle and heartache for you VB. You're nt looking for another friend.. you want her as a girlfriend, right? And even if it worked out, are you ready to take on the other guy's kids? What if she goes back to him after you get more emotionally invested in the situation?

For the ladies, why should he be providing the emotional support that she should be getting from the scumbag that she's gone back to twice now?
Why should he be tip-toeing around her while she "uses" him in that manner, all the while thinking that if he waits just a bit longer, it might all work out (and I've been in that situation too and believe me, it won't work). It suits her as things are between ye now. She probably knows you're attracted to her, but you're also a "safe" bet that she can make herself feel better about things by flirting with you and giving you that hope you want/need. But I'd bet that if you told her how you feel, she'll be very quick to hit you with the "just friends / lots on my plate right now" line.

I have to agree with the lads VB.. walk away.

Wibbs

Kaiser2000 wrote:

It's interesting how the opinion here seem to be pretty much uniform...

Noticed that myself.

Men: Run.. run now!

Sensible as if nothing else it can't get any worse.

Women: Wait and see.. be her friend. Don't pressure her.

Yes and how many of those women went out with a guy when he was their friend first. Not many I'd wager. How many threads have we seen here where a woman has found out a friend has the hots for her, but she doesn't feel the same way? It's a cliche, but being in the friendzone mostly labels a guy off limits. Some may say it isn't so but 90% of the time it is.*

Basically in cases like this forget about what people say, look more closely at what they actually do.

Both positions have merit, but as the lads say, you're only 20 and this seems like a lot of hassle and heartache for you VB. You're nt looking for another friend.. you want her as a girlfriend, right? And even if it worked out, are you ready to take on the other guy's kids? What if she goes back to him after you get more emotionally invested in the situation?

Bingo.

For the ladies, why should he be providing the emotional support that she should be getting from the scumbag that she's gone back to twice now?
Why should he be tip-toeing around her while she "uses" him in that manner, all the while thinking that if he waits just a bit longer, it might all work out (and I've been in that situation too and believe me, it won't work). It suits her as things are between ye now. She probably knows you're attracted to her, but you're also a "safe" bet that she can make herself feel better about things by flirting with you and giving you that hope you want/need. But I'd bet that if you told her how you feel, she'll be very quick to hit you with the "just friends / lots on my plate right now" line.

Nail meet head. She wants to have her cake and eat it. Common enough with both genders in different ways. I blame the pursuer, because if people didn't facilitate this it wouldn't happen. If I knew a woman I had a serious thing for and she said she just wanted to be friends then sayonara love. You're good enough to be her friend but not good enough to be with her? Eh no. Better things to be doing with my time frankly. I find you grow out of this friends first, lover later thing though.


* It can work if there's an underlying attraction present in both that can't be pursued at the time for different reasons and they choose to remain friends. In the OP's case I don't think that's going to happen.

Volvoboy

I've let things lie with her, in that i havent been in contact with her, anyways she never cried on my sholder about things regarding her ex, i'd regularly ask about her kid i'd even have a chat on the phone about to little one along the lines of ''are ya looking after your mam'', be seeing her the w/end as were going out (as a groop) see how things go, thanks lads and girls:)


-VB-

Slutmonkey57b

The idea that someone should only ever act in a way that he "looks out for himself" at all times is disturbing. Maybe getting involved with a woman with kids is a bad idea to you, for some other people it wouldn't be. To say that he shouldn't fill the role of a shoulder to cry on is just plain callous.

You can look after your own interests without treating other people like objects.

MrBaseball

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

The idea that someone should only ever act in a way that he "looks out for himself" at all times is disturbing. Maybe getting involved with a woman with kids is a bad idea to you, for some other people it wouldn't be. To say that he shouldn't fill the role of a shoulder to cry on is just plain callous.

You can look after your own interests without treating other people like objects.

This post makes little sense, honestly. Callous? Howso? My comment was regarding a specific situation. I think you'll find that in most cases people do look out for themselves to some degree. Anyway, sticking around and being a shoulder to cry on would in fact be "looking out for himself" since it would be on some level motivated by his attraction to her and a hope that she would "come around" to how great a guy he is. It just doesn't work and will do him no good whatsoever, it could in fact be emotionally damaging to him.

A lot of people don't seem to understand this, but a woman using a guy who's into her as a shoulder to cry on,telling him all her problems, but going out with/sleeping with someone else, can leave a guy feeling just as used, if not moreso, than a woman will feel if she's in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship. Using a person who is into you as a shoulder to cry on is extremely selfish and is very much treating someone like an "object" and using someone only for what you can get from them and disregarding their needs/wants/feelings. It is an extremely selfish thing to do. To be honest, I think that a lot of women in such situations know full well what's going on, but fail to do anything about it due to the fact that the deal is too good for them to object.

Wibbs wrote:

She wants to have her cake and eat it. Common enough with both genders in different ways. I blame the pursuer, because if people didn't facilitate this it wouldn't happen. If I knew a woman I had a serious thing for and she said she just wanted to be friends then sayonara love. You're good enough to be her friend but not good enough to be with her? Eh no. Better things to be doing with my time frankly. I find you grow out of this friends first, lover later thing though.

I agree with this. The whole "being friends and hoping for more" thing is something I copped onto at a fairly young age, thankfully, but it still pains me to see so many of my friends and other guys falling into this trap and women just facilitating it with what I guess must be a mixture of naivity and selfishness. The worst thing is that most of these people just will not listen when they're told that it's counter productive. Actually I think in a lot of cases like this, it's better to just let it play out and hope the guy cops on somewhat sharpish. It's definitely a case where experience is the best teacher. It's something that seems so sensible "if I make friends with her and we get on great and have a bond then it will naturally progress to something more". It takes a couple of lousy situations to accept that it isn't really the case.

_Kaiser_

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

The idea that someone should only ever act in a way that he "looks out for himself" at all times is disturbing. Maybe getting involved with a woman with kids is a bad idea to you, for some other people it wouldn't be. To say that he shouldn't fill the role of a shoulder to cry on is just plain callous.

You can look after your own interests without treating other people like objects.

Assume that's directed at myself and Wibbs (if not, never mind..)

My point was not that he should simply "look out for himself" in as selfish a manner as you seem to have taken it up as, merely that this girl has shown no interest in the OP as anything other than a friend anyway.

Add to that the fact that she already has a child from her ex, is expecting his 2nd, and while he's off with his new girlfriend and showing no interest in her nor either of his children, some people expect that the OP should be happy to fill the supportive role that this other guy clearly has no intention of doing!

That's fine IF the OP is happy with being a shoulder to cry on but he's not. He'd like a relationship with this woman, and in that case he needs to weigh that against the possibility that this girl won't return his feelings, will go back to yer man, and that he'd likely be the new "father figure" for the kids (incidentially my last ex had a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship that I got on very well with, so it's hardly a "bad idea to me").

Ultimately it's the OP's decision, but he did post here asking for opinions and advice. There IS no right or wrong answer here but given what we know of the situation and history, I don't think it's unreasonable for people to suggest he be very wary of getting involved with her now.

Wibbs

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

The idea that someone should only ever act in a way that he "looks out for himself" at all times is disturbing.

If you don't look after, value and respect yourself first and foremost, how are you ever going to be in a position to extend the same courtesy to someone else?

Maybe getting involved with a woman with kids is a bad idea to you, for some other people it wouldn't be.

The kids are not the issue. The whole situation around the kids and her past has some influence. The main issue however is him hoping for a relationship with this woman. If he gets into the friend/shoulder to cry on/always there for her situation before they get together in a sexual way the chances of him getting to that point are usually slim to none. Lets not beat around the bush(so to speak) and get all airy fairy about this, because that's what he wants in the end, a sexual relationship with this woman. For that to happen she will have to see him in that light. If she sees him as a "friend" first and foremost, she may not for various reasons. She might not want to risk the friendship by getting physical, she may just be "using" him as emotional support and feels nothing else, she may not even see him in that light simply because he's acting like a non sexual/girl friend. There more she feels that the less likely it's going to go any further. Obviously this is in general, but it does happen.

To say that he shouldn't fill the role of a shoulder to cry on is just plain callous.

Not if he has other motives. Why should he take the pressures of a relationship without the attendant pleasures that he wants. Waste of time I would say.

You can look after your own interests without treating other people like objects.

Who said you couldn't?

MrBaseball wrote:

A lot of people don't seem to understand this, but a woman using a guy who's into her as a shoulder to cry on,telling him all her problems, but going out with/sleeping with someone else, can leave a guy feeling just as used, if not moreso, than a woman will feel if she's in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship. Using a person who is into you as a shoulder to cry on is extremely selfish and is very much treating someone like an "object" and using someone only for what you can get from them and disregarding their needs/wants/feelings. It is an extremely selfish thing to do. To be honest, I think that a lot of women in such situations know full well what's going on, but fail to do anything about it due to the fact that the deal is too good for them to object.

Nail on head. I've known enough women who have a male friend that they know is into them yet keep them around for such support and for their ego. I even have known a couple of blokes who liked the idea of a woman that wanted them and kept them around mostly for ego purposes(rather than emotional support). Sometimes they may dangle a carrot of future "possiblities" just to keep them around. I went out with someone like that. She had a very close male friend who a blind man could spot was into her. Quite weird for me at the time. I must admit with some element of guilt I wasn't particularly attentive to her emotionally at all(hey I was young and dumb) and he was very good to her. Even took the pressure off me. Then again who was she sleeping with? She never got it on with him and he stuck around for years afterwards apparently. Hope he learned his lesson. Do not get me wrong. Men and women can be good friends. I have two that I would be lost without. Not all women(or men) are like this, not even most, but it's a good plan to be wary of facilitating by actions this kind of guff.